The Black and White World
My eyes glaze and mind goes blank. Its useless. You blabber on as if you hold all the knowledge within in the world. Your words make no sense to me. You try to gain all your power by lowering and confusing others, yet you only lower your standing. I have an intense urge to scream at you, forcing you to stop your mindless monotone lectures. You're ruining the world, not bettering it! You order these people to do as your say, to follow your every direction. No one hears you though, for they all think just as you do. They believe that they own the world just as your think you do. I am drowning in this sea of egotism and selfishness. All of you voice your opinions and refuse to change them, but as soon as the fashion changes so do you.
I hate this world. I hate this life. I hate you. You drive me mad with your senseless teaching, your blind words and your stupid lies. You suffocate me with your beliefs and useless books. You pound me with this stupid reasoning. Stop your rambling and open your eyes.
You teach me to behave as you think I should. You punish me for words you say aren't right. You push me down and spit on me for expressing myself! Why won't you let me be? I will not let you control me, I will not speak your language and I will not follow you to that dead end road you wish to travel. You think your expensive shoes and "pretty" clothes show your intelligence. You flaunt your money and words in others' faces. You seem so confident, so real, but deep down inside I know you squirm and hide in the shadows of your mind. You're so damn sure of yourself when you're on top, but the moment someone questions you, you're the small insecure child once again.
You despise me for my ideas, you laugh at me for my decisions. You huddle in your groups as I stand on my own. You won't be laughing quite so loudly when I finally get your eyes open. Maybe then you will stop these mindless words which you speak. Maybe then you will shut up long enough to listen to another. Maybe THEN you will crawl out of that world with your senseless colors. Then you will see the stupidity in what you think, the stupidity in what you say. Open your eyes! And step into this life. Leave your damn selfishness behind and step into this, the black and white world.
12/06/97
My Final Surrender
It marked the end of my childhood and the beginning of a life-long decision. That night was the turning point of my life. I deny it, I celebrate it, I mourn it. I fight back against all that happened on and before that time, but it never goes away; it never ends. I long to see a day when I can't remember any of this, an entire day without a single memory. But the more I deny the fact that I was loved the more I desire to be loved again. I can't allow that in myself again, I can't afford to lose my world again.
I look to friends for support, but I find little. It seems that my companions only enjoy my company when I smile and join in their fun. The moment I abandoned hope, I, too, was abandoned. I find now that the few people that stayed find me boring, lifeless. It is rare that I spend a full night with company. In the beginning, I thought that no one cared anymore, but it was I that didn't care. I just don't find the need for anything anymore. I'm sick of this life. I feel like an old woman who lived out her years long ago, but is still here. What's the use in all I go through? I work for no one. I feel no need to work for myself so why do I continue this ongoing drudgery? I spend my days following orders which have no point and learning things that I will never use after this week ends. What's the use?
That is what I think and sometimes believe, yet deep inside I know that I continue all of this with the dream of one day choosing my own destiny; with the hope that one day I will have the chance to live as I desire, completely alone without the worry of being hurt again. And so I live on, I return to that night again and again in my mind, but its always the same. I always return to reality alone again and with the decision to remain that way forever. I will not risk that again. I will not allow someone to control me so deeply, so completely. My trust was broken under that pale moon and for that I will never forgive this world. I can't deny the pain it caused and it did me no good to scream out against all of it. I gave up on life that night, gave up on myself. I have nothing more to offer the world except this, my final surrender.
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