September 98 - Jokes

Just like a man!

     A man goes to the hospital to visit his wife who had a stroke and
went into a coma some time ago. While there the doctors comes by the
room to check on his patient. The man asks the doctor if there is
anything he can do to help his wife's condition.
     The doctor says that he has read that if a patient in a coma is
sexually stimulated sometime they will come out of the coma.
     The man says he would try anything so the doctor leaves him alone in
the room with his wife. About five minutes later the heart monitor
alarm is beeping with a flatline. The doctor and a nurse come running
into the room.
     The doctor says "What happened here?"
     To which the man replies "I tried what you said but I think she
choked to death."

The little girl had just listened to her mother's reading one of her favorite
fairy tales.

"Mommy," asked the child, "do all fairy tales begin with "Once Upon a
Time...?""

"No, dearest," replied the mother, "sometimes they start with 'Darling, I
have to work a little late at the office tonight . ."

GETTING DRESSED

Two guys are changing in the locker room at the gym, and one of them notices
that the other one is wearing a bra and panties.
"Hey, Joe, how long have you been wearing women's underwear?"
"Ever since my wife found them in the glove compartment."

SEX EDUCATION

A minister was passing a group of young teens sitting on the Church lawn and
stopped to ask what they were doing.

"Nothing much, Pastor," replied the one lad. "We're just seeing who can tell
the biggest lie about his sex life."

"Boys! Boys! Boys!" intoned the minister, "I'm shocked. When I was your age,
I never even thought about sex at all."

The boys looked at each other and then all replied, pretty much in unison,

"You win, Pastor!"

Costumes

A couple was going to a costume party. The husband was
   unsure of what costume to wear. His wife was telling him to
   hurry or they would be late for the party. She was walking down
   the stairs from the bedroom, completely naked except on her
   feet were a big old floppy pair of boots.
   "Where is your costume?" the husband asked.
   "This is it," replied his wife.
   "What the hell kind of costume is that???" asked the husband.
   "Why, I am going as Puss and Boots," explains the wife. "Now
   hurry and get your costume on,"
   The husband went upstairs and was back in about 2 minutes.
   He also was completely naked except he had a rose vase slid
   over his penis.
   "What the hell kind of costume is that???" asked the wife.
   "I am a fire alarm," he replied.
   "A fire alarm?" she repeated laughing.
   "Yes," he replied. "In case of fire break the glass, pull twice
   and I come."

It`s how you punctuate it!

An English professor wrote the words,
"Woman without her man is nothing" on
the blackboard
and directed his students to punctuate
it correctly.

The men wrote: "Woman, without her man,
is nothing."
The women wrote: "Woman: without her,
man is nothing."

WHEN GOD MADE FATHERS (Irma Bombeck)

When the good Lord was creating Fathers, He started with a tall frame. An
angel nearby said "What kind of a Father is that? If you're going to make
children so close to the ground, why have you put the Father up so high? He
won't be able to shoot marbles without kneeling, Play pretend drinking tea,
and kiss dollie goodnight, tuck a child in bed without bending, or even kiss
a child without stooping"

God smiled and said, "Yes, but if I make him child size, who would children
have to look up to?"

And when God made a Father's hands, they were large. The angel said,"Large
hands can't manage diaper pins, small buttons, rubber bands on pony tails, or
even remove splinters caused from baseball bats."

Again God smiled and said, "I know, but they're large enough to hold
everything a small boy empties from his pockets and a little girls paper dolls
and jump rope, and to teach her to turn cartwheels, yet small enough to cup a
child's face in them."

Then God molded long slim legs and broad shoulders, "Do you realize you
just made a Father without a lap?" The angel chuckled.

God said, "A Mother needs a lap. A Father needs strong shoulders to pull a
wagon, to balance a bicycle, or to hold a sleepy head on the way home from
the circus."

When God was in the middle of creating the biggest body any one had ever seen,
the angel said, "That's not fair. Do you honestly think that form is going to get
out of bed early in the morning when the baby cries, or walk through a birthday party without crushing
one or two of the guests?"

God again smiled and said, "It will work. You will see. It will support
a small child who wants to ride to Branbury Cross or scare mice away from a
summer cabin , or walk in shoes that will be a challenge to fill."

God worked throughout the night, giving the Father few words, but a
firm authoritative voice; eyes that see everything, but remain calm and
tolerant.

Finally, almost as an after thought, He added tears. Then he turned to
the angel and said, "Now are you satisfied he can love as much as a Mother can?"

The angel said nothing more.

Ain`t it the truth?

When Blue Collar workers get together, they talk about football...
When Middle Management get together, they talk about tennis...
When Top Management get together, they talk about golf..
Logical Conclusion:
The higher up you are in management, the smaller your balls are.

Voodoo Dick

There was this businessman who was getting ready to
go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a
flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her
something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because
he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone
else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys and
started looking around. He thought about a life-sized
sex doll, but that was too close to another man for
him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for
something special to please his wife, and started talking
to the old man behind the counter. He explained his
situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really
know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating
dildos, special attachments, and so on but I don't know
of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except
-- " and he stopped.

Puppy

As President Clinton got off of Air Force One with a new puppy
tucked under his arm he turned to the Marine guard stationed at the
bottom of the ramp and said "How do you like my new dog?
     The Marine looks at President Clinton and says "DAMN FINE DOG SIR!"
     President Clinton then says to the Marine "I got him for Hillary"
     The Marine Says to President Clinton "DAMN FINE TRADE SIR!"
.

Summer Lovin- New Version

To the tune of "Summer Lovin'" from the musical "Grease".
              Bill:
              "Summer intern, had me a blast"
              Monica:
              "White house intern, happened so fast"
              Bill:
              "Met a girl, crazy for me"
              Monica:
              "Met the prez, down on my knees"
              Bill:
              "Summer days, sucking away, oh, i, but those summer nights"
              Investigation Committee:
              "Well, ah.. well, ah....well, ah. uh
              Tell us more, tell us more"
              Linda Trip:
              "try to remember your best"
              Investigation Committee:
              "Tell us more, tell us more"
              Kenneth Star:
              "Did he come on your dress?"
              ---------------------------------------------
              Bill:
              "Wanted to screw her but she had a cramp"
              Monica:
              "The prez is sexy - he makes my panties damp"
              Bill:
              "She gave me head, right in the White House"
              Monica:
              "I said OK, just don't come in my mouth:
              Investigation Committee:
              "Well, ah.. well, ah....well, ah. uh
              Tell us more, tell us more"
              Linda Trip:
              "he sounds like a swell guy"
              Investigation Committee:
              "Tell us more, tell us more"
              Kenneth Star:
              "Did he tell you to lie?"
              ---------------------------------------------------
              Bill:
              "Press found out, it turned into a mess"
              Monica:
              "He gave me fifty bucks to buy a new dress"
              Bill:
              "She promised to lie, she made a vow"
              Monica:
              "Wonder who is servicing him now"
              Bill & Monica:
              "Sex filled dreams, ripped at the seams
              But.........oh
              Those White House Nights"