On their way to a justice of peace to get married, a couple has a fatal
car accident. The couple is sitting outside heaven's gate waiting
on St.
Peter to do an intake. While waiting, they wonder if they could
possibly get
married in Heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him.
St. Pter says, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone
has ever asked.
Let me find out," and he leaves.
The couple sits for a couple of months and begins to wonder if
they really
should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all.
"What
if it doesn't work out?" they wonder, "Are we stuck together
forever?"
St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled.
"Yes, he informs the couple, "you can get married in Heaven."
"Great," says the couple, "but what if things don't work
out? Could we
also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground.
"What's wrong?" exclaims the frightened couple.
"Come on!" St. Peter exclaims, "It took me three months
to find a priest up
here! Do you have any idea how long it's going to take for me
to find a
lawyer!?"
I turn on my computer
and I'm looking for some action.
I see my online lover
and beg for satisfaction.
We go to a private room
and you know what happens next.
We think and type and dream about
many different kinds of sex.
Just about 9 days pass
and I find I'm feeling ill.
Maalox, Pepto--NOTHING
will make my stomach chill.
I mention it to my online boo
we try to figure it out.
A few more days have passed...
now my stomach's sticking out!
So, now my head is spinning
I don't know what to do.
I'm having sex with no one--
EXCEPT...my online boo.
No, wait just a minute.
Please tell me this can't be!
He cannot get me pregnant
by having cyber sex with me!
I call the local clinic
and explain the situation.
All the nurses laugh at me,
I'm crying in frustration.
My stomach's getting bigger
with every passing day.
Who would have ever thought
you could get pregnant this way?
A pregnancy test was taken,
it came back with a yes.
I IMed my online lover
and put him to the test.
I told him of my feelings
and all my gaining weight.
I told him we were parents
and gave him my due date.
When all the shock was over,
he gave me an online *kiss*.
He told me that he loved me
and he'd help me get through this.
My stomach start's to ache
I go run to my mom.
I feel the need and start to push...
out pops a CD ROM!!
I put it in the computer
and while I wait, I pace.
When soon on my computer,
comes a beautiful baby's face!
You know this story's fiction
but before you take a risk,
put on a cyber condom...
before you get some cyber dick.
I have a "true" blond story for you. This really
did happen... I
went to dinner with my husband, a male friend of ours,
Carlos,
and his new girlfriend, Dorothy.
While eating dinner we got on the subject of vacations.
"Bimbette" (I really called her this for the rest of the
time
they were together and right to her face). Anyway,
Bimbette
said that she wanted to go to Gotham City for her next
vacation.
I tried to explain to her that it was not a real place.
She
laughed and said "it is too, it's where Batman lives".
I then laughed and looked over at Carlos who smiled and
told me
she was serious. I then tried to explain that, "he
does not
exist, why do you think there have been three of
them:
Clooney, Kilmer and Keaton?"
She looked me straight in the eye and said "that is because
he
doesn't want anyone to know who he really is."
One night Jerry brought home a dozen red roses to his
wife. "How lovely, dear" she said, "what's the occasion?"
"I want to make love to you" he said simply.
"Not tonight, dear. I have a headache."
The next night Jerry came home with a big box of
chocolates and explained that he wanted to make love with
her. "I'm awfully tired, honey" said his wife. "Not
tonight."
Every night for a week Jerry brought home something, but
each time his wife's answer was no. Finally he came home
with six black kittens with little red bows around their
necks and handed them to his wife. "How adorable, Jerry" she
exclaimed. "But what are they for?"
"These are six little pallbearers for your dead pussy."
This guy went to the zoo one day. While he was standing
in front of the gorilla's enclosure, the wind gusted and he
got some grit in his eye. As he pulled his eyelid down to
dislodge the particle, the gorilla went crazy, bent open the
bars, and beat the haplass fellow senseless. When the guy
came to, the zookeeper was anxiously bending over him, and as
soon as he was able to talk, he explained what had happened.
The zookeeper nodded sagely and explained that in gorilla
language, pulling down your elelid meant "fuck you."
The explanation didn't make the gorilla's victim
feel
any better, and he vowed revenge. The next day he purchased
two large knives, two party hats, two party horns, and a
large sausage. Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried
to the zoo and over to the gorilla's cage, into which he
tossed a hat, a knife, and a party horn. Knowing that the
big apes were natural mimics, he put on a party hat. The
gorilla looked at him, looked at the hat, and put it on.
Next he picked up his horn and blew on it. The gorilla
picked up his horn and did the same. Then the man picked up
his knife, and whipped the sausage out of his pants, and
sliced it neatly in two.
The gorilla looked at the knife in his cage, looked at
his own crotch, and solemnly pulled down his eyelid.
Two ants met in this woman's belly button
and decided to
explore the rest of her body. Agreeing to meet again in a
week, one ant headed north while the other went south.
Seven days later, they returned to the
belly button. "I
had a great time" reported the ant who had ventured north.
"There were these two big hills, and every day I went skiing,
and at night I slept in his nice warm valley."
"I had a hell of a time," sighed the
other ant. "First
I had to walk through this thick jungle, then I fell down
this huge hole, and by the time I climbed out, I was so tired
that I fell asleep in this smelly cave. But that wasn't the
worst of it: every night this giant worm came in and threw up
in my face."
A good-looking woman walks into a bar
and orders a Michelob Light.
It tastes so good that she orders another, and another, and another,
until she passes out cold.
Several truck drivers have been watching this progression
of events
with interest, and promptly take her into the back room and energetically
screw her. Early the next morning the woman comes to and goes
home, but
that night she appears
again, orders a Michelob Light, and gets so drunk that the truck drivers
have their way with her again.
This goes on for several more nights until one evening,
when the woman
shows up and orders a Miller Lite. Recognizing her, the bartender
inquires as to why she's
switched beers.
She replies, "Oh, Michelob makes my
pussy hurt."
"Sister Bernadette, aren't you putting on a little
weight?" inquired Father Flanagan during his visit to the
convent, suspiciously eyeing her bulging stomach. "Why, no
Father," answered the nun demurely, "it's just a little gas."
A few months later Father Flanagan put
the same question
to the nun, noticing that her habit barely fit across her
belly. "Oh, just a bit of gas" said Sister Bernadette,
blushing a bit.
On his next visit Father Flanagan was
walking down the
corridor when he passed Sister Bernadette wheeling a baby
carriage. Looking in, the priest observed, "Cute little fart."
2. What do you call going on a blind date with a brunette?
Brown-bagging it.
3. What's the real reason a brunette keeps her figure?
No one else wants it.
4. Why are so many blonde jokes one-liners?
So brunettes can remember them.
5. What do you call a brunette in a room full of blondes?
Invisible
6. What is the difference between a brunette and garbage?
Garbage gets taken out at least once a week.
7. What's a brunette's mating call?
"Has the blonde left yet?"
Three old men were talking about how much their hands shook.
The first old
guy said, "My hands shake so bad, that when I shaved his
morning, I cut my
face."
The second old fogey one-upped him and said, "My hands
shake so bad, that
when I trimmed my garden yesterday, I sliced all my flowers."
The third old man laughed and said, "That's nothing. My
hands shake so bad
that when I took a piss yesterday, I came three times!"
A good-looking woman walks into a bar and orders a Michelob
Light.
It tastes so good that she orders another, and another, and another,
until she passes out cold.
Several truck drivers have been watching this progression
of events
with interest, and promptly take her into the back room and energetically
screw her. Early the next morning the woman comes to and goes
home, but
that night she appears
again, orders a Michelob Light, and gets so drunk that the truck drivers
have their way with her again.
This goes on for several more nights until one evening,
when the woman
shows up and orders a Miller Lite. Recognizing her, the bartender
inquires as to why she's
switched beers.
She replies, "Oh, Michelob makes my pussy hurt." >>
A woman went into a pet shop to buy her boyfriend a pet. After looking
around she realized that all the pets there were very expensive. A
clerk
came up and asked if there's something he could help her with.
"I wanted to buy my boyfriend a pet, but all of yours are so expensive!"
She says.
"Well," said the clerk, "I have a huge bullfrog in the back for $50.00.
Would you like to see it?" "$50.00?? For a Frog??" said the woman.
The clerk said, "It's a special frog. It's gives blowjobs."
So, the woman decides to buy the frog. She takes it home to her
boyfriend, explains the strange gift frog, and they're both happy.
The
woman goes to bed. Around two in the morning, she wakes up to hear
pots
and pans banging around in the kitchen. She gets up to go see what's
going on and when she gets to the kitchen she sees her boyfriend and
the
frog, sitting at the kitchen table like best buddies, looking through
cookbooks. "What are you two doing looking through cookbooks at this
hour?" says the woman.
The guy looks up at her and says, "Well, if I can teach this frog to
cook, your ass is out of here!!!"
It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, and young
nun, Sister Magdalene had prepared the bath water and towels
just the way the old nun had instructed.
Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Fr.
John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her
to do, and pray.
The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the
Saturday nightbath had gone.
"Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily. "I've been saved."
>"Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?" asked the
old nun.
"Well, when Fr. John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to
wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand
down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key
to Heaven."
"Did he now?" said the old nun evenly.
Sister Magdalene continued, "And Fr. John said that if the Key
to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened
to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace.
And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock."
"Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly.
"At first it hurt terribly, but Fr. John said the pathway to
salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would
soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good
being saved."
"That wicked old Devil!" said the old nun. "He told me it was
Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!"
Last time the circus came to town, an ad for an animal trainer was placed
in the local paper.
Only two applicants showed up, a male & female.
The owner said he could only afford one animal trainer so he would
choose
the one with the best act.
t first glance it would appear that the female was much better prepared
as
she came to the interview in a very long flowing cape, a whip &
chair. He
showed up with a cigar. She looked more like a model than a trainer.
The owner asked who would like to go first, and the man said Ladies
before
Gentleman.
The female asked for her special music to be played and once the music
started she entered the cage with a flurry of whip snapping. She motioned
the attendant to release the tiger.
The tiger leaps into the cage snarling. The young lady throws aside
her
whip, flings back her cape and sits on the chair as naked as the day
she
was born.
Our tiger now circles her sniffing the air and suddenly bounds to her,
puts
its face between her legs and starts licking. She throws back her head
moaning, holding the tiger by the ears.
The owner looks at the man and says That's quite an act, think you
can do
better that that.
The man said no problem, Just get that tiger out of the cage!
A man was approached by coworker at lunch who invited him out for a
few
beers after work. The man said that his wife would never go for it,
that
she does not allow him to go drinking with the guys after work.
The coworker suggested a way to overcome that problem: "When you get
home
tonight, sneak into the house, slide down under the sheets, gently
pull
down your wife's panties, and give her oral sex. Women love it, and
believe
me, she'll never mention that you were out late with the boys."
So the man agreed to try it, and went out and enjoyed himself. Late
that
night, he sneeked into the house, slid down under the sheets, gently
slid
down his wife's panties, and gave her oral sex.
She moaned and groaned with pleasure, but after a little while, he
realized he had to take a leak, so he told her he'd be right back,
got out of bed
and walked down the hall to the bathroom. When he opened the door and
went
in, he was very surprised to see his wife sitting on the john.
"How did you get in here?" he asked.
"Shhhhh!!!" she replied, "you'll wake-up my mother!"
Two women go to talking at the supermarket, and one asked the
other, "How many times have you been married?"
"Four times," she answered.
"What were their professions?" the other one asked.
"A millionaire, an actor, a preacher, and an undertaker....one
for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
Did you hear about the blonde who bought an AM radio? It took
her two weeks to figure out that you could play it at night.
A year passed by and one night they were lying in bed and
she was reading
and he was watching TV. The husband rolls over and says, "Honey, Washing
machine?", and she replies, "Honey, not tonight, I've got a huge headache,
I
promise we'll do it tomorrow night!" So he say's, "Alright that's
fine, We'll
do it tomorrow." They roll to their respective side of the bed and
go to
sleep.
However, the wife can't sleep because she's thinking, gosh
we've only been
married 1 year so we're still practically newlyweds maybe I should
indulge
him. She rolls over to her husband and whispers, "Honey, are you still
awake??", and he replies, "Yeah, what do you want?". She says,
"Washing
Machine?!?!?!?" and he replies, "Forget about it. It was a small
load, I did
it by hand."
A college student picked up his date at her parents home. He'd
scraped
together every cent he had to take her to a fancy restaurant.
To his dismay, she ordered almost everything expensive on the menu.
Appetizers, lobster, champagne. . .the works.
Finally he asked her, "Does your Mother feed you like this at home?"
"No," she said, "but my Mother's not looking to get laid, either."
Q: When do you know that you're getting a little paranoid?
A: When you put a condom on your vibrator.
Q: How can you tell if you're having a super orgasm?
A: Your husband wakes up.
Q: Why is masturbation better than intercourse?
A: 1. Because you know who you're dealing with.
A: 2. Because you know when you've had enough.
A: 3. Because you don't have to be polite afterward.
Q: What do you say when you guide your lover's tongue toward
your clitoris?
A: This bud's for you!
Q: Ever wonder how long cocks should be sucked?
A: Same as short ones.
Q: What's worse than a piano out of tune?
A: An organ that goes flat in the middle of the night.
Q. what's the difference between anal sex and a microwave
oven?
A. a microwav oven doesn't brown your meat
Q. what's the difference between anal sex and a refrigerator?
A. when you take your meat out of the fridge, the
fridge doesn't fart
Q. how many iraquis does it take to make a camel
drink
A. two. one to hold his head under the water
and another to suck on his ass
Q. why can't the iraquis hold driver's ed and sex
ed on the same day?
A. the camels can't take it
Q. what's the difference between catfish and iraqui
women?
A. both have whiskers; both smell; but you can eat
the catfish
Q. what do you call an iraqui leading a camel and a goat
A. bisexual
Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck
in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
A cop on horseback is at a traffic light, and next
to him is a kid on
his bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got
there. Santa bring
that to you?"
The kid says, "Yeah."
The cop says, "Tell Santa next year to put a taillight
on that bike."
The kid says, "Nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring
that to you?"
The cop says, "Yeah."
The kid says, "Well, tell Santa next year to put the prick
underneath
the horse, instead of on top."
A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting
on the
porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist
down. "Grandpa,
what are you doing?" he exclaimed. The old man looked off
in the distance
and did not answer him. "Grandpa, what are you doing
sitting out here with
nothing on below the waist?" he asked again. The old man slowly
looked at him
and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got
a stiff
neck. This was your Grandma's idea!
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When
Adam
stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're
running around with other women," she charged.
"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only
woman on
earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to
be
awakened by someone poking him in the chest.
It was Eve. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.
"Counting your ribs," said Eve.
A married couple went
to the hospital together to have their
baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented
a new machine that would transfer a portion of the MOTHER'S labor
pain to the FATHER. He asked if they were willing to try it.
They were both very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the
knob to 10% for starters, explaining that even
10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced.
But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked
the doctor to bump it up a notch.
The doctor then adjusted
the machine to transfer 20% of the
pain. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked
the
husband's blood pressure and pulse and was amazed to see how fine he
was
doing.
At this they decided
to try for 50% pain transfer. The husband
continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping
his wife
considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer all the pain
to him.
The doctor warned the couple, though, that transferring all the pain
to
the husband may kill him. Being the perfect gentleman that he
was, he
didn't think twice and instructed the doctor to do it.
The wife delivered
a healthy baby boy with virtually no pain.
The husband survived the experimental pain-transfer machine.
She and
her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the mailman was dead on their porch.
A little boy and his parents are at the circus. The father goes to get
some
popcorn just when the elephant show starts. The little boy points and
asks
his mother "Mommy, what's that?"
To which his mother replies. "That's an elephant."
The boy says "I know that. I mean that."
And the mother says "That's his trunk."
And the boy again says "I know that, I mean that."
The mother looks again to where he is pointing and says "That's its
tail."
But the boy is not happy with that answer either. He points again and
says "No Mommy, that."
The mother looks again and understands. "Oh that, that's nothing."
A few moments pass and the father returns with the popcorn and the
mother
runs off to the restroom. The little boy points and asks his father
"Daddy,
what's that?"
To which his father replies. "That's an elephant."
The boy says "I know that. I mean that."
And his father says "That's his trunk."
And the boy again says "I know that, I mean that."
The father says "That's its tail."
The boy points one last time and says "No Daddy, that."
His father looks to his son and says "That's it's penis."
To which the boy says "Mommy says it's nothing."
The father leans back in his seat and sighs a bit and says
"I've spoiled that woman."
A young Indian decides to celebrate his eighteenth birthday
by losing his virginity, so he walks into town to the local
whorehouse. "Me want screw," he explains to the madam who asks
him
if he's had any experience. Pointing him to a tree in the yard,
she tells him to get some practice on a convenient knothole.
A week later, the brave again presents
himself and his
desire to the madam, who recognizes him and shows him up to
one of the whores' rooms. "And what would you like?" asks the
prostitute coyly. "Takem off all clothes," he says. She
smiles and undresses, then obeys his next instructions to bend
over. Eyeing her suspiciously, he takes a big piece of wood
and smacks her across the ass. Jumping up, she screams,
"What the hell was that for?"
The Indian looks at her and says, "Me check for bees."
A construction worker came home just in time to find his wife in bed
with another man. So he dragged the man down the stairs to the garage and
put his...umm...you know...in a vice. He secured it tightly and removed
the handle.Then he picked up a hacksaw. The man, terrified, screamed, "Stop!
Stop!
You're not going to...to...cut it off, are you?!?" The husband said,
with a gleam
of revenge in his eye, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage
on fire."
A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that
she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions."
He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks,
"What is your occupation?"
The woman replies, "I'm a whore."
The accountant balks and says,
"No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass.
Let's try to rephrase that."
The woman, "Ok, I'm a prostitute."
"No, that is still too crude. Try again."
They both think for a minute, then the woman excitedly states,
"I'm a chicken farmer!"
The accountant is puzzled, "What does chicken farming have to
do with being a
whore or a prostitute?"
"Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year."
I have learned to live with answering machines as a necessary
part of
modernization. But I have often wondered what if God decided
to install an
automated answering machine?
Imagine praying and hearing this: "Thank you for calling 'My
Father's
House'. Please select one of the following four options: Press 1 for
a
request. Press 2 for a thanksgiving. Press 3 to complain. For all other
inquiries, press 4." You press 1 and hear: " We're sorry. Due
to heavier than
expected volume, please try your call again later. Your business is
important to us."
What if God used the familiar excuse: " All of the angels are helping other customers right now. Please stay on the line. Your call will be answered in the order it was received."
Can you imagine these kinds of responses as you "call on God" in prayer?
If you'd like to speak with Gabriel, press 1 For Michael, press 2 For any other angel press 3.
To receive the latest promotional gift with your order
from Paradise Parlor, press 0 and an operator will assist you. To
find out how many angels dance on the head of a pin, press 5. If you'd
like King David to sing a Psalm,press 6. To find out if your relative
is here, enter his/her date of death
and listen for the list that follows.
For reservation information or to confirm your reservation at
"My
Father's House", press the letters J-O-H-N, followed by the
numbers 3-1-6.
To know what your pastor is doing at the moment, press 7. For
answers to
nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth, and where
Noah's Ark
is, wait till you get here.
"If you want to know what I think of
American politics, don't press
anything. Hang up and listen for laughter.
Our computers show that you have called
once today already. Please hang
up immediately. "This office is closed for the weekend. Please
call on
Monday."
THIS COULD REALLY HAPPEN.......
Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband,
"I bet you don't know what day this is."
"Of course I do," he indignantly answered, going
out the
door to the office.
At 10 AM, the doorbell rang, and when the woman opened
the door,
she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red
roses.
At 1 PM, a foil wrapped , two pound box of her favorite
chocolates
arrived.
Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress.
The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home .
"First the flowers then the chocolates, and then the dress!"
she exclaimed. "I've never had a more wonderful
Groundhog Day
in my life!"
A priest and a rabbi were talking when the rabbi asked the priest
what
goes on in the confessional. "I have an idea," said the priest.
Why
don't you sit with me on my side of the confession booth and hear it
for yourself? No one will ever know."
A woman came into the booth and said, "Bless me Father for I have sinned."
The priest asked, "What did you do?"
"I cheated on my husband."
"How many times?"
"Three times."
"Well," said the priest, "Say 5 Hail Marys, 5 Our Fathers and put a
dollar in the Poor Box."
Another woman came and said, "Bless me Father for I have sinned."
The priest asked, "What did you do?"
"I cheated on my husband."
"How many times?"
"Three times."
Again the priest said, "Say 5 Hail Marys, 5 Our Fathers and put a dollar
in the Poor Box."
Then the priest said to the rabbi, "Would you like to do the next confession?"
The rabbi started to object, but the priest said, "Go ahead.
It's easy."
So another woman came in and said, "Bless me Father for I have sinned."
This time the rabbi asked, "What did you do?"
"I cheated on my husband."
"How many times?"
The woman said, "Twice."
Then the rabbi said, "Well you have another time coming to you. We
have a special this week, 3 for a dollar."
A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she
takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest. "How
did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh,
my
boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that
he
never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make
love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup.
As
she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest.
"How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.
"Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that
he
never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love,"
she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup.
As
she takes off her blouse, he notices a green "M" on her
chest.
"Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.
"No,
but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"
Cinderella was at home feeling sorry for herself because she couldn't
go to the ball. The fairy godmother came to her and asked why
she wasn't at the ball. Cinderella said she couldn't
go because she had her period. The fairy godmother said, not
to worry, she had a magic tampon that would allow her to go to
the ball, but the catch was, at midnight, it would turn into
a pumpkin. Well, Cinderella went off to the ball and the fairy
godmother sat home waiting for her. At 11:00 she started to
worry. 12:00 passed, then 1:00 then 2:00 then 3:00. Finally
at 4:00 Cinderella came home. The fairy godmother was livid.
Where have you been," she asked. Cinderella said, "Not to worry,
I met a nice guy named Peter Peter"
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