Have
some good jokes E-mail them to WildOneShe found the fortune amusing, since she didn't play the fiddle,
but it did have her age correct. About that time, an old gentleman
walked up carrying a fiddle. She asked him if she could see his
fiddle.
He agreed, and to their amazement, she started playing the fiddle
with great natural skill.
She wondered if the fortune machine had actually known something
about her that she didn't. She thought about it, and decided
to try the
weight machine again. She put another quarter in the machine,
and out
comes the card that reads: "Your age is 32, you weigh 135 lbs., and
you
have gastritis."
She found this one to be absurd, as she was in perfect health, so
she goes back to the bus-stop to wait for her bus. While sitting
there, she develops abdominal pains that continue to get worse until
all of a
sudded she breaks wind. She wondered about the fortune, and again
was
curious if the machine was capable of knowing stuff about her that
she didn't
know.
She puts another quarter in the machine, and out comes a card that
reads "Your age is 32, you weigh 135 lbs., and you are about to have
sex."
She laughed out loud, as she had been trying to find a decent guy to
screwfor weeks, with no luck.
She is sitting there waiting for the bus, when this attractive
young man sits down and immediately their eyes locked, and they both
knew
that they were right for each other. They quickly ducked down
an alley
andbegan to screw like two teenagers.
The woman was so simply amazed at the ability of the machine, that
she had to try it one more time. She stood on the machine, put
her
last quarter in, and out came a card that read: "Your age is 32, you
weigh 135 lbs., You've Fiddled, You've Farted, You've Screwed around,
and now you've missed your bus...".
This guy walks into a quiet bar. He is carrying three ducks.
One
in each hand and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar.
He has a few drinks and chats with the Bartender.
The Bartender is experienced and has learned not to ask people about
the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the
ducks.
They chat for about 30 minutes before the guy with the ducks has to
go
to the restroom. The ducks are left on the bar.
The bartender is alone with the ducks. There is an awkward silence.
The Bartender decides to try to make some conversation. "What's
your
name?" He says to the first duck.
"Huey" said the first duck.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day".
"Oh. That's nice.", says the Bartender.
Then he says to the second duck "Hi. And what's your name?".
"Dewey" came the answer.
"So how's your day been, Dewey?".
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles
all day.
If I had the chance another day I would do the same again".
So the Bartender turns to the third duck and says "So, you must be
Louie".
"No", growls the third duck, "My name is Puddles. And don't ask
about my fucking day".
An 8 year-old boy walks home from school each day past
an 8 year
old girl's house. One day as he is passing by, carrying
a football,
he can't resist taunting the girl. He holds up the football
and
says "See this football? Football is a boys game,
and only boys
can have a football!"
The little girl runs into the house and cries to her mother
"I want
a football!" Being a woman of the 90's, her mother
runs out and
gets her one.
The next day the girl is waiting for the little boy and
he rides up
on his bike. She holds up the football "Nah Na Nah
Nah". The
little boy angryly points to his bike and says "Oh yeah,
well this
is a boys bike and only boys get boys bikes and you can't
have
one!" She runs in to mom and the next day is waiting for
him on
her new boys bike. The little boy gets furious and pulls
down his
pants, and pointing to his most private of parts says,
"Look, only
boys have these and your mom can't buy you one!!!".
The next day
he walks by and asks her "Well, I guess I showed you!" to which
she
promptly pulls up her dress, points to her parts and proclaims
"My
mother tells me that as long as I have one of these I
can have as
many of THOSE as I want!
An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver
a baby. It
was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor
arrived, no one
was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child.
The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he
could see,
while he helped the woman deliver the baby.
The child did so, the mother pushed and after a little while,
the doctor
lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom
to get
him to take his first breath. The doctor then asked the
5-year-old
what he thought of the baby.
"Hit him again," the 5-year-old said. "He shouldn't have crawled
up there
in the first place!"
Two rednecks, Jake and Bubba, were sitting in a bar one night watching
rasslin' on the tube. At the end of the match was an advertisement.
A loud, obnoxious character came on screaming about $10,000 dollars
in
prize money for anyone who could defeat "The Killer".
Jake looked at Bubba, a 6' 4" giant with a brain the size of a pea,
and got an idea. He told Bubba, "I bet you could beat that guy. He
doesn't look so rough, and you're no wimp." Bubba thought about it
for
a minute and agreed that he probably could.
The next weekend Jake and Bubba went down to the stadium where the
tournament was being held and signed Bubba up. An old man came over
and started briefing them on the rules of the contest and such. Jake,
seeing Bubba was a bit nervous, asked the old man for any tips. The
old man looked up to Bubba and said, "Just you watch out for his
pretzel hold. Ain't nobody ever gotten out that thing."
One by one, the contestants ahead of Bubba went in and came back,
balled up and hurting. Two hours after they arrived, it was finally
Bubba's turn.
In the ring, right before the bell rang,
Bubba looked back at Jake and said, "Don't worry, buddy. I can avoid
that pretzel thing." But not ten seconds after he had gotten
up in
the ring, The Killer laying on top of the contorted ball of Bubba,
and
the referee was pounding the mat, counting to ten.
Jake screamed and started walking back to the locker rooms. He
was
pissed. He had just shelled out $500 to get Bubba in this contest,
and it didn't last 20 seconds. But right before he got to the
door,
the crowd went wild! Jake ran back to the ring to see Bubba with one
foot on top of the unconscious Killer and one arm raised in the air
by
the referee. Jake ran into the ring and jumped on Bubba. The crowd
was
out of control, and Jake and Bubba were $10,000 richer!
Later in the locker room, Jake confessed to Bubba that he didn't see
what had happened. Bubba said, "Well, The Killer got me in his pretzel
hold and I thought all was lost. I hurt like I'd never hurt before,
and all I could hear was the ref slamming his hand down and counting
to ten. Then I looked up, and front of me was this big, hairy
sack of
balls. I had nothing to lose and figured it might even help.
So I
stretched a little further and bit down as hard as I could on those
things."
"Jake," Bubba said. "You wouldn't believe the strength a man gets
when he bites down on his own balls!"
A couple is golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course
lined
with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband says, "Honey,
be
very careful when you drive the ball. Don't knock out any windows -
it'll
cost us a fortune to fix."
The wife tees up and promptly shanks it right through the window of
the
biggest house on the course. The husband cringes and says, "I told
you to
watch out for the houses! Alright, let's go up there, apologize and
see
how much this is going to cost."
They walk up and knock, and a voice says, "Come in." When they open
the
door, they see glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on
its
side in the foyer. A man on the couch says, "Are you the people
that
broke my window?"
"Uh, yeah," the husband says. "Sorry about that."
"No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for
a
thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant
three wishes - I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last
one for
myself."
"OK, great!" the husband says. "I want a million dollars a year for
the
rest of my life."
"No problem - it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?"
the
genie says, looking at the wife.
"I want a house in every country of the world," she says.
"Consider it done."
"And what's your wish, Genie?" the husband asks.
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with
a
woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."
The husband looks at the wife and says, "Well, we did get a lot of money
and all those houses, honey. I guess it's OK with me if it's OK with
you."
So the genie takes the wife upstairs and ravishes her for two hours.
Afterward, he rolls over, looks at the wife, and says, "How old is your
husband, anyway?"
"35. Why?"
"And he still believes in genies?"
Start going nice and slow......
Then you take her hair in your hand and pull her head back.........
And whisper in her ear..........
"Your sister was better than you".........
And try to hold on for 8 seconds!!!
They took a ten-dollar bill, a Bible, and a bottle of whiskey,
and put
them on the front hall table. Then they hid, hoping he
would think
they weren't at home.
The father told the mother, "If he takes the money he will be
a
businessman, if he takes the Bible he will be a priest - but
if he
takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard."
So the parents took their place in the nearby closet and waited
nervously. Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive
home.
He saw the note they had left, saying they'd be home later.
Then, he
took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and
slid it
in his pocket.
After that, he took the Bible, flicked through it, and took it also.
Finally, he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative
whiff to be assured of the quality. Then he left for his
room,
carrying all the three items.
The father slapped his forehead, and said: "Darn, it's even worse
than
I ever imagined..."
"What do you mean?" his wife inquired.
"Our son is going to be a politician!" replied the concerned father.
This guy is sitting in a bar drunk. He asks the bartender, "Where's
the
bathroom at?" The bartender says, "Down the hall and to the right."
Well, all of a sudden, everybody at the bar hears this
loud scream and
wonders what is going on in the bathroom. A few seconds go by
and everybody
at the bar hears another loud scream coming from the bathroom.
This time the bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate
what the
drunk is screaming about. He opens the door and asks the drunk,
"What's all the screaming about in here? You're
scaring all my customers
away."
The drunk said, "I'm sitting on the toilet and every
time I go to flush
it, something comes up and squeezes the hell out
of my balls."
With that, the bartender opens up the door and looks in
and says, "No
wonder! You're sitting on the mop bucket!!!"
She is not: A BAD COOK She
is: MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE
She does not: GET PMS She becomes: HORMONALLY HOMICIDAL
She does not have: A KILLER BODY She is: TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE
She is not: A BAD DRIVER She is: AUTOMOTIVELY CHALLENGED
She is not a: PERFECT 10 She is: NUMERICALLY SUPERIOR
She is not: EASY She is: HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE
She does not: HATE SPORTS ON TV She is: ATHLETICALLY BIASED
You do not ask her:TO DANCE You request a: PRE-COITAL RHYTHMIC EXPERIENCE
She is not: HOOKED ON SOAP OPERAS She is: MELODRAMATICALLY FIXATED
She is not: COLD OR FRIGID She is: THERMALLY INCOMPATIBLE
She does not: WEAR TOO MUCH MAKE-UP She is: COSMETICALLY OVERSATURATED
She does not have: GREAT CLEAVAGE Her breasts are: CENTRALLY LOCATED
She is not: A SCREAMER OR MOANER She is: VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE
She does not: SUN BATHE She experiences: SOLAR ENHANCEMENT
She does not: CUT YOU OFF She becomes: HORIZONTALLY INACCESSIBLE
She does not have: BIG HAIR She is: OVERLY AEROSOLED
She does not: SHOP TOO MUCH She is: OVERLY
SUSCEPTIBLE TO MARKETING PLOYS
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns
to the
other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do.
Whenever I go home
after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before
I get to the
driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage.
I take my
shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs,
I get undressed in
the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up
and yells at me
for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking
the wrong
approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm
up the
steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands
on my wife's
butt and say, 'How about a blow job?' and she's always sound
asleep....
Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone
who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen."
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the
priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest
arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.
The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in
town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about
having fallen."
The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new
priest about the code word.
Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger
at
the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, your
wife fell three times this week."
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