August 98- Jokes  

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  Have some good jokes E-mail them to WildOne

The Harmonika

  A few weeks after he got there he began to miss his new wife quite badly
  so he decided to write her a letter.

  "My darling," he wrote  "It looks like we're going to be apart for a
  very long time.   Already I'm starting to miss you and there's really
  not much to do here in the evenings.

  Besides that, we're constantly surrounded by young attractive native
  girls. Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind I would not be
  so tempted?"

  So his wife sent him back a harmonica saying,  "Why don't you learn to
  play this?"

  Eventually his tour of duty came to an end and he rushed back to his
  wife.  "Darling," he said, "I can't wait to get you into bed so that we
  can make passionate love!"

  "First ...  let's see you play that harmonica!"

The man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and asked,
  "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me
  for a couple of minutes?"

  "Why?" she asks.

  "Because every time I talk to a a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of
  nowhere."

 :) ;) :) :) ;) :) ;) Da Funeez :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes
that she had her hair cut and died brown. A few days later, as she
was driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a
flock of sheep pass. Admiring the cute wooly creatures, she said to
the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?
" The shepherd, always the gentleman replied, "Of course."

The blonde thought for a moment and for no discernible reason said,
"Three hundred and fifty two." This being the correct number, the
shepherd was, understandably, totally amazed. "You're right!" he
exclaimed. "I'll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my
flock." The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally
picked one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the
others.

When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "O.K., now I
have a proposition for you.  If I can guess your true hair color, can
I have my dog back?"

    Mr. and Mrs. Steinberg were both in their late 70's, both retired
with plenty of money, a fine home, and nothing to do.  One day Mrs.
Steinberg says to her husband "Honey, why are we just sitting around here
doing nothing?  Why don't we use some of our money and take a week long
ocean trip, and have fun like it used to be?"
     Mr. Steinberg says "Fine", get's up, put's on his coat and hat, walks
down to the corner drugstore, and tells the clerk "I'll have 10 seasick
pills and 6 condoms.
     Arriving back home, he finds that Mrs. Steinberg has been
thinking...  "Honey I have a better idea.  We haven't any reason not to
go on a longer trip.  No one is expecting us to be here, why don't we
take a month long cruise and have a grand old time like it used to be?"
     Mr. Steinberg says "Fine", get's up, put's his coat and hat back on,
walks back down to the corner drugstore, and tells the clerk "I'll have a
bottle of seasick pills and 30 condoms.
     Arriving back home, he finds that Mrs. Steinberg has been thinking
again...  "Honey I have a better idea.  We haven't any reason not to go
on a longer trip.  We have plenty of money and time, why don't we take a
year long cruise around the world and have a grand old time like it used
to be?"
     Mr. Steinberg says "Fine", get's up, put's his coat and hat back on,
walks back down to the corner drugstore, and tells the clerk "I'll have a
dozen bottles of seasick pills and 360 condoms.
     The druggist stares at him and says "Mr. Steinberg, if it makes you
so sick why do you DO it so much?!"

One day Bro. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at his church.
"Reverend," he said, "I have a problem; my wife keeps falling asleep during
your sermons.  It's very embarrassing.  What should I do?"
"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this pin with you. I'll be able to
tell when she's sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times.  When I
motion, you give her a good poke in the leg with the pin."

In church the following Sunday, Sis. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the
preacher put his plan to work.
"...And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Bro.
Jones.  "Jesus!" cried Sis. Jones as her husband jabbed her in the leg with
the pin.

"Yes, you are right, Sis. Jones," said the minister.
Soon, Sis. Jones nodded off again.  Again, the minister noticed her dozing.
"Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Bro.
Jones.

"Jesus!" cried out Sis. Jones as she was stuck again with the pin
once again.  "Right again, Sis. Jones," said the minister,  smiling and
continuing his sermon.

Before long, Sis. Jones dozed off again. However, this time the
minister didn't notice.  As he picked up the tempo of his sermon,
he made a few motions that Bro. Jones mistook as signals to wake his
wife again.  He was just sticking his wife with the pin again
when the minister asked,"...And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him
his 99th son?"
Sis. Jones shrieked, "You stick that damn thing in me one more time and I'll
break it off and shove it up your butt!"

Colors

A  Quickie

A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are
 gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short
 skirt and legs that won't quit came to his table and asked if he was
 ready to order,

 "What would you like, sir?"
 He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then
 answers, "A quickie."
 The waitress turns and walks away in disgust.
 After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, "What would you
 like, sir?"
 Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "A quickie,
 please."
 This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the
 face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.
 A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, "Um, I think it's
 pronounced 'QUICHE' ."

Q.  DID YOU KNOW WHY BANKERS ARE GOOD LOVERS?
A.  THEY KNOW THE PENALTY FOR EARLY WITHDRAWL

The preacher knocked at a lady's door one morning and announced,
   "I met your little son on his way to class.
   He told me you were sick, so I decided to pay a call.

   That afternoon when the boy came home from school, she asked him,
   "Why did you lie to the preacher?"

  He retorted hotly, "I didn't lie,
  I thought you WERE sick...last night I distinctly heard
  Daddy tell you to turn over and take your medicine"

The proof is the pudding

 This is a good one!!!!!

There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman.  After a perfect
 courtship, they had a perfect wedding.  Their life together   was, of
 course, perfect.  One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect  couple
 was driving a perfect car (a Ferrari) along a winding road when  they
 noticed someone at the roadside in distress. Being the perfect couple,
 they stopped to help.
 There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys.  Not  wanting to
 disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect  couple
 loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle (it was a 22)
 Soon  they were driving along delivering the toys.
 Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the  perfect
 couple and Santa Claus had an accident.  Only one of them  survived the  accident.
 Who was the survivor?
 (Scroll down for the answer)
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

The perfect woman.  She's the only one that really existed in the
 first place.  Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there  is no  such thing as a perfect man.
 Don't be so amused just yet......keep reading! A Male's  Response:  (Page Down)
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

 So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect  woman
  must have been driving.  This explains why there was a car  accident.