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"The hardest challenge is to be yourself in a world where everyone is trying to make you be somebody else." -- e.e. cummings

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September 2005: My wish list for my daughter
I have a wish list for Makayla that includes things from socks to baby carriers. I periodically check things off the list as each "wish" is fulfilled and I also add items as I discover a new need (or, more accurately, a new "want"). Bob thinks that these wishes are more for my benefit and satisfaction than for our daughter because he thinks she's too young to appreciate that she's riding around in the best umbrella stroller or the trendiest carrier. This may be true but I only want her to have the best of everything because I feel she deserves it. At the same time, I fear creating a little monster, not unlike the screaming children you see on the Dr. Phil show, who turn their noses at anything not labeled by a haute couture designer. I fear that I am indirectly and unintentionally imparting false values to my daughter, that I am teaching her that she is only as good as the goods that she possesses.
While I still strive to provide for her the only best things in life, I also have a wish list that contain values and ideals, not things. Here is what I wish for my daughter:
1. I wish for her to retain the child's sense of wonder and curiousity. I wish for her never to become jaded or angry at the world but to see it as an adventure waiting to be discovered. I wish for her the desire to know.
2. I wish for her empathy for others. I wish she will treat others as she wants to be treated and to remember that the most fundamental human need is the need to feel important and appreciated.
3. I wish for her obstacles to overcome so she can learn the value of hard work and the satisfaction of reaching a goal.
4. I wish for her humility. I wish for her the ability to see others as equal, not inferior, to her. I wish for her the ability to know the difference between pride and arrogance. I wish for her to be proud of her accomplishments but to never see herself as superior to others by virtue of those accomplishments.
5. I wish for her compassion and the desire to help those less fortunate than herself. I wish that she measures the worth of another not by the size of their bank accounts but their character.
6. I wish for her the ability to delay gratification and a silent patience to forego transient satisfaction today for permanent contentment tomorrow. I wish for her to know that nothing worth having ever comes easy.
7. I wish for her a life full of laughter and love. If she has these two things, she will not want for much else.
When I look into my baby girl's eyes, I know that I never want her to want for anything. But I know that I would be doing my daughter a major disservice if I merely catered to her every want and whim. I know that I have a duty to ensure that she develops into a contributing member of society, with strong morals and character.

March/April 2005: Baby blues
I love my daughter. I love her so much that it literally makes me cry sometimes. When I look at her, I see my heart embodied in another human being; it's as if my heart grew tiny arms and legs. I feel so much more vulnerable now that I have a child because any harm to her is harm to me.
It wasn't always that way. There was a time during the first few weeks after she was born that I felt emotionally detached from her. I was suffering from post-partum blues and crying all the time. It was such a dark time for me: I felt so utterly alone and mournful for the life I used to have before she was born. I felt so much guilt then, as I do now, that I actually regretted having her. I knew she never asked to be born and that bringing her into this world was my and Bob's responsibility. But I was sad about not being able to just get up and go whenever I wanted and how her arrival changed our marriage (it's not just the two of us anymore). One part of my life was over and a new, more challenging one began.
My depression was both compounded and characterized by deep loneliness that began from the moment she was born. When my daughter was born, there was no family waiting outside to see her and celebrate her birth with us; it was just me and Bob. My family is hundreds of miles away in Canada and Bob's parents live in Florida. Thus, while other new moms had that immediate familial support, I did not. Bob left an hour or so after our daughter's birth to catch some sleep and he left me every night I was in the hospital after visiting the whole day. I didn't protest because I figured only one of us should be sleep-deprived but it didn't stop me from feeling so utterly alone. I felt more alone when I saw other husbands in the hospital at 3 a.m. fetching water for their wives. Those nights and early mornings, in that hospital room, I felt like a single mom without family in the world. It was just so very lonely. I never felt so alone in my life.
It's been 8 weeks since I felt those baby blues. Some things have changed, other things remain the same but I don't feel so lonely anymore. I will always have my daughter. She needs me and having her depend on me so much makes me a stronger, more confident person because I need to be, for her.

March 2005: Baby talk
The baby arrived a couple of weeks after my previous entry. Around 1:30 am on January 24, 2005, I woke up with some contractions. They weren't painful but uncomfortable enough to keep me awake. Since I couldn't sleep, I decided to watch TV and surf the 'net. The contractions didn't seem to be getting stronger or closer together so I figured it was just another sleep-deprived night before I had to go to work. It had snowed quite a bit a few days earlier and the snow was still coming down; newcasters were calling it one of the biggest blizzards to hit Boston in years. Then, around 3:30 am, I felt a small gush of water and I frantically ran to the bathroom. I wasn't sure if it was my water breaking so I woke Bob up and told him. He told me to call the hospital and I did. The nurse told me I should come to the hospital immediately.
As Bob shovelled the car out our parking spot "like he never shovelled before", I readied myself in between contractions. I wasn't nervous about the pain of labour at that point; I was more nervous about the prospects of new parenthood and a little sad that I was not going to be pregnant for much longer. As we drove the hospital, the city seemed rather deserted; the governor and mayor had suggested that people not go out unless absolutely necessary and most people seemed to have followed their suggestion.
At the hospital, the nurses and doctor confirmed that, indeed, my water had broken and that I was 3 centimetres dilated. I was in the early stages of labour. They brought me and Bob to our labour room to begin what ultimately became 20 hours of labour.
I was still not nervous even as the contractions became painful and closer together. Around 2 pm, the doctor said I was 4 centimetres dilated and they wanted to give me pitocin to help speed things along. When the contractions came one after another, without allowing me any rest period in between, I cried out for an epidural. After that, I was in heaven. :)
Then, after four hours of pushing and throwing up in between pushing, Makayla Emile was born at 9:23 pm on January 24, 2005. As the doctors placed her on my stomach, Bob and I were in complete shock. I immediately checked to see that she had 10 fingers and 10 toes. She was absolutely beautiful.
Thankfully, she was completely healthy with an APGAR score of 9/9 (almost perfect)! She weighed in at 7 lbs, 11 ounces and was 20 inches long. That day was the beginning of a new chapter in my life, on full of ups and downs but most of all, the first day I discovered a complete, pure and unconditional love.

January 2005: Happy New Year!
A new year is here and the excitement and anticipation that I usually feel around this time of year pales in comparison to the ball of feelings I have about our upcoming arrival. I'm 37 1/2 weeks along in my pregnancy and the doctor tells me that the baby may arrive any day now. I have my bag packed with the things the baby and I will need after the delivery. The nursery is almost done; Bob just needs to put the finishing touches on the baby's bureau/armoire, which he painted a cheerful yellow. We still haven't picked out a name since we can't agree on one we both like. We're having a girl and picking out "unique, Asian/Hawaiian-sounding names" for her, which Bob wants, has proven to be very difficult.
I'm tired of being pregnant at this point. I have the standard complaints of all pregnant women who are as far along as I am: heartburn; frequent trips to the bathroom (I mean every 30 minutes sometimes); inability to get comfortable in any position, be it lying down, standing up, sitting down, walking; aches in your hips, legs, and back; crying for no apparent reason; irritability; and the inability to see one's feet unless one bends over at a 90 degree angle. But with all my complaints, I wouldn't trade the feeling I get when I feel her moving around, even when she kicks me so hard in the ribs or my side that I actually scream out in pain. It's an awesome experience, one I would not ever trade for anything in this world. I know I'm going to miss that feeling after she's born.
Being this far along, you tend to get anxious about a lot of things. Least of all, you worry about how she'll look: is she going to born with red hair, the same way her now-blond father was born?! (I pray not! Imagine a half-white, half-Asian baby with red hair?!) You worry about the pain that you KNOW you must go through, even if you are planning to get pain relief. You worry about your baby's health and you fervently pray that she is born completely healthy - physically and mentally - red hair or not. You worry about your life after she's born: can we afford a baby? Will our marriage suffer? Can we do this? I mean, this totally helpless, tiny human being is completely dependent on you for everything and the both of you are going to be the center of her universe, at least for the first years of her life. It's such huge responsibility - both frightening and wonderful all at once. Everything is going to change and our lives will never, ever be the same. I'm scared but, at the same time, I can't wait to face that responsibility and, most of all, to meet my little girl.

July 2004: We're having a baby!
Robert and I are going to be parents. The thought didn't hit me even after my third positive pregnancy test at the doctor's office. But yesterday, we heard the baby's heartbeat for the first time and it finally hit me that it was true: I'm pregnant. I'm only 11 1/2 weeks along and although I had morning sickness, fatigue, mood swings, weepiness, and growing gut, in the back of my mind, I sometimes thought "What if I'm not pregnant? What if it's some disease that mimics the symptoms of pregnancy?" I soon learned that such crazy thoughts are not unusual for women pregnant for the first time. But after hearing that strong, swooshing sound of the baby's heartbeat, I can rest assured that everything is going forward as it should be and that, indeed, there is a growing baby inside me. The thought is still hard for me to believe at times... :)

February 2004: This life isn't a dress rehearsal
Life is funny. When you look at it, there's so many different, even seemingly contradictory, aspects of the same thing. Life can be a burden, a joy, a mystery, a tragedy all at once. Sometimes your life just seems to drift; you're just going through the motions of every-day routine. Then, one day, you look at the date on the calendar and it hits you that 2 or 4 or 7 years have passed. Sometimes you are so gripped by events of the past that you fail to realize that the distance between now, this very moment, and the future point in time when all this is over, has shortened. Sometimes you are so preoccupied with planning for the future, that you forget that all that's guaranteed is now.

November 2003
It's been so long since I've updated this site. I've been very busy this year. I started my new, full-time, permanent job in April at a law firm in Boston. The work is sometimes heavy and oftentimes thankless but I am just grateful to have a job, especially in this economy. Robert and I got a kitty and we named him Smokey. He's cute and very affectionate. In October, we moved to a bigger place. Our "new" place is the first floor of a two-tenement. That's basically all that's new in my life. This year is almost over and I'm looking forward to a new year full of new experiences, new lessons and new adventures. I hope to update this site again very soon!

January 2003
A new year has arrived and, this year, I resolved NOT to write out a stupid resolutions list. Instead, I decided to look back on the past year and attempt to glean any lessons that might help me make this year even better, more fruitful.
In 2002, I learned that:
1. You must keep moving forward and progressing in life (in your thinking, your work, even your personal life) or else life progresses without you;
2. Not everyone is a good person and, sometimes, people will hurt you simply because they want to;
3. Business is business and money doesn't only make the world go 'round but it also makes people do unethical and immoral things;
4. Despite #2 and #3 above, you have to remain true to yourself and keep your heart open to the people who do not fall under those categories;
5. Not everyone falls into categories #2 or #3;
6. We change everyday, even if we don't know it, and the friends you had when you were 20 may not be the friends you should have when you're 30;
7. Someone else will always be smarter, prettier, run faster, (etc.) than you but this fact does not make you less smart, less pretty, slower (etc.);
8. Despite what the media (or other people) want you think about what's beautiful or hip or cool, the most beautiful, hip and cool people are those who don't care what the everyone else says but who remain true to themselves.
9. Nobody can tell you how to live your life, but don't waste your time asking yourself how to live it because you're already living a life, no matter how it turns out.

October 2002
Hello! It's been a while since I've done anything on this website. A lot has changed since then. Living in the USA now with my new husband. Life is good despite some recent setbacks. I got sick in July and had to spend a week in the hospital. Despite all the technological advances in medicine, the doctors are still scratching their heads as to what caused me to be so ill. Anyway, with God's help, I'm 100% better. As a result of my illness, I lost my job and am now (again) job-hunting. I've learned these past few months that nothing in this world is secure: not your job, your health or (at least in my case) your sanity! Anyway, that's all folks...(for all or any of you out there who care).

February 2002
Well, Robert and I finally "got hitched" on the 9th of this month. It was a really nice, simple, intimate ceremony, with just 40 people in attendance. Afterwards, we had an elegant sit-down-dinner reception at a historic house in Scarborough, Ontario. The evening turned out much better than I had anticipated. I was so stressed out with the planning, and the worrying over out-of-town guests that I didn't really have a chance to enjoy the rehearsal dinner the night before. But I enjoyed the wedding reception. The food was delicious and the company was great. I'm also very glad that it's over! It was one of the most stressful events of my entire life!

January 2002: I Surrender
I don't know when it all began; all I know is that I've been this way most of my life. I suppose it began with problems in my family, or with an inner desire to be wanted or accepted...I don't know. But for most of my life, I have lived according to the desires of other people. I have lived my life for the happiness of others, forgetting for the most part my own happiness. I want to make sure that everyone in my life is happy, that everyone is comfortable, even if it means being unhappy or uncomfortable myself. People might see this as a good quality....being an unselfish, caring person. But I have grown to see it for what it is...self-destructive. It has come to the point where I do not even know what I want for myself or even think of what I need. I did not realize what I was doing until I started to feel this suffocated feeling. It was as if something inside snapped, wanting to break free. At one point, I wanted to just leave everything and everyone....I just wanted to be left alone. At another, much lower point, I wanted to escape life completely. But now, I finally surrender...I give up....on trying to please everyone else except myself. I completely give up on trying to make everyone else happy at the expense of my own happiness. I surrender my illusion that I can make everyone happy....it's just not possible. Besides, I realize now that everyone is responsible for their own happiness. I surrender all of this now before I completely lose myself.

HEY! I THOUGHT IT WAS FUNNY....
"When I die, I want to go peacefully and quietly in my sleep like my grandfather did--not screaming and shouting like the passengers in his car at the time." - Unknown (as quoted by Robert Fulghum in "Words I Wish I Wrote")

"Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies."

"There are two kinds of people in this world: Those who are good with words, and those who are... erm... thingy"

"When I wash the cat, it takes me hours to get the hair off my tongue."