was born in Bourne , Massachusetts
on the 10th of March in 1958 ,
to your typical dysfunctional couple , who ,
like many other stupid dorks , then and now ,
unfortunately married way too young .

fter my parents' inevitable divorce ,
I lived in downtown Boston 'till the ripe age of seven .
Mercifully , the courts granted my Mother
custody of my Brother and I .
Then we migrated to Germany ,
my naive Mother's native Vaterland ,
where I continued my uneventful childhood ,
shunning the usual fun and games because
German kids are just so ...uh.. boring .

ll modesty aside , during my grammar school days ,
I was somewhat of a low-end child prodigy .
At a very early age I was drawing ,
writing prose and visiting stuffy museums ,
my growing schnazz ever buried deep in books .
Each semester my teachers would call upon my mother ,
begging her to enroll me in a school for gifted children ,
speculating that I would ultimately become
bored with school and end up as a bum .
Since my single working Mother always
lacked spare funds for such a folly ,
their predictions sadly became true .

he High school I attended ,
though located in the heart of Germany ,
was populated entirely by American young 'uns .
These were the dependents of U.S. Military Folks ,
and were my first exposure to the Ways of the West .
I've learned that school is a social function ,
rather than a education institution .
After I graduated , I finally returned to
this great country .
Nothing could prepare me for that culture shock !

've made my roots in balmy Florida ,
where my old bones have resided ever since.
My tired ol' Father and sea-hag of a Mother
( with the generous assistance of a
German step-father and Thai step-mother )
spawned a total of one daughter and four sons ,
of which I am the oldest .
Those wacky breeders ! Ya just gotta love 'em !
Hey , quit yawning !

currently live on two beautiful acres ,
perched high in the Florida Alps ,
a dizzying 200 feet above sea level ,
overlooking the heart of Redneck County .
Like any respectable Dog ,
I love grubbin' around in the yard .
It's a way of life....

ccupation ?
Player Slayer !
I come from a long proud line of old school slackers .
I've learned that my most accomplished relatives
are a group of two . One is a Fireman ,
the other owns his own Bakery . Livin' large .
My forefather must have been on the Mayflower ,
workin' as the esteemed custodian .
I've done it all , from truckin' to pluckin' .
But as millions of other sorry Americans
can attest : work sucks , plain and simple !
Am I alone in my reasoning that work is an
incredble waste of God-given creativity
and irreversable drain of the Human Spirit ?
But enough of that downward spiral...

ww , really it's not that bad .
You may click here to see a list of my life's
aspirations , accomplishments , aquisitions .