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"I felt as though I was the only gay person my age in the world. I felt as though I had nowhere to go to talk to anybody. Throughout eighth grade, I went to bed every night praying that I would not be able to wake up in the morning, and every morning waking up and being disappointed. And so finally I decided that if I was going to die, it would have to be at my own hands."
-Steven Obuchowski, 18, testifying at the Public Hearings.
Steve Obuchowski tried to kill himself while attending a school that had no support group for gay and lesbian students and no counseling or referrals available. His belief that dying was the only way out of his isolation is a common one among gay and lesbian teens.
Gay and lesbian youth report that by junior high and high school they experienced intense feelings of aloneness in school. Often their isolation and pain is misunderstood by adults.
"Due to societal fear and ignorance, my teachers and counselors labeled my confusion as rebellion and placed me in the category of a troubled discipline problem. But still I had nothing to identify with and no role models to guide me, to help me sort out this confusion, and I began to believe that I was simply alone... A few weeks into my sophomore year, I woke up in a psych hospital in Brookline after taking my father's camping knife violently to my wrists and hoping for success."
-Stacey Harris, Curry College student, testifying at the Public Hearings.
Stacey Harris, like Steve Obuchowski, made suicide attempts while attending high schools that had no support groups, nor any counseling, for gay and lesbian students.
Suicide is the leading cause of death for gay and lesbian adolescents, according to the 1989 Report of the Secretary's Task Force on Youth Suicide (U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, Gibson). The Federal study on youth suicide states:
Lack of school-based support groups for gay and lesbian students in all but a few of Massachusetts public schools leaves the young gay or lesbian person alone with his or her feelings of difference at a time of life when acceptance from a peer group is so important. Many of the adolescents testifying at the Governor's Commission on Gay and Lesbian Youth's Public Hearings described feelings of profound isolation in school.
"I was always an outcast at school. Books were my best friends. I ostracized myself from the rest of the world because I felt as if I could trust no one, not even my parents. The pressure of feeling so alone manifested itself in fits of manic depression, hysterical outbreaks, and, eventually, suicidal tendencies."
-Devin Beringer, 17, senior at Concord Academy, testifying at the Public Hearings."I couldn't see or find a community of people like me and so I felt I had no home anywhere, no place to relax and be myself."
-Lee Fearnside, 18, testifying at the Public Hearings.
The pervasive name-calling and threats of anti-gay harassment in school force many students to further isolate themselves from their classmates in order to protect their safety. Dorothy Remur, the mother of a gay son, described her son's aloneness in school.
"One of the teachers told me how the other children treated my son. She told me how they pushed and shoved him, knocking the books out of his hands. Douglas made a point to walk through the hallways after the final bell so they were almost empty. This was to protect himself."
-Dorothy Remur, parent, testifying at the Public Hearings.
Schools become places where gay and lesbian students feel cut off from their heterosexual peers, as well as from teachers, counselors, and administrators. Students in rural areas, far from any signs of a visible gay/lesbian community, often feel even more alone.
"On the Cape where I live, there is nothing for gay and lesbian youth. I knew something had to be done, but I didn't know what."
-Randy Driskell, 18, senior at Wareham High School, testifying at the Public Hearings.
Marilyn C. McManus writes of the isolation young gays and lesbians experience in rural schools.
"They experience the same pressures urban gay and lesbian youth face. These stresses are, however, exacerbated for rural youth. They are geographically isolated and are even less likely to find supportive role models than their urban peers. Rural youth have a more difficult time identifying peers struggling with sexual orientation issues, lack access to support networks, and are less likely...to find gay positive materials in their libraries or schools."
-Marilyn C. McManus ("Serving Gay and Lesbian Youth," 1991).
In addition to the lack of peer support and acceptance at school, many of the gay and lesbian youth testifying at the Public Hearings reported a lack of accurate information about who gays and lesbians really are. Gay and lesbian students also reported a lack of information about resources for gay and lesbian youth.
"I went to Boston English High. There was no literature in the school at all. The guidance counselor wouldn't even recommend BAGLY (The Boston Alliance of Gay and Lesbian Youth)"
-Anthony Flynn, testifying at the Public Hearings.
The negative views about gays and lesbians so commonly expressed by students in class, in the halls, and during school activities teach the lesbian or gay adolescent to develop a negative self-image. With no one to talk to and with pervasive abuse, school becomes, not a place of self-actualization, but a place where the young gay or lesbian person learns to hate himself/herself
"But who could I talk to? Through the last few years, I had been conditioned into believing gay is wrong....After three years of conditioning, I forgot all the things my mother taught me. I lost respect for myself and wanted to die."
-Randy Driskell, 18, testifying at the Public Hearings."I felt completely isolated from my family and friends. It appeared that I was the only one who ever had these queer feelings. I couldn't come out to anyone. After all, who would associate with anyone who was sick and deranged as I thought myself to be if they knew the truth. Not only does society shout at me that I am evil, but an inner voice whispers it as well."
-Lee Fearnside, 18, testifying at the Public Hearings.
Doctor John T. Maltsberger, one of the country's leading experts on suicide, reports that self-hatred, low self-esteem, and intense feelings of aloneness are typical of the profile of a suicidal person.
"In the grips of aloneness the patient is convinced he will be forever cut off from the possibility of human connectedness; in suicidal worthlessness, the patient is convinced he can never merit the caring notice of anyone, including himself, again. The subjective result is the same; to be beyond love is to be hopelessly alone."
- John Maltsberger, (Suicide Risk: The Formulation of Clinical Judgment, 1986).
Many students at the Governor's Commission Public Hearings testified that suicide attempts by gay and lesbian youth might be prevented if support were available at school.
"I think if I was made more aware of support groups for young gay and lesbian people, I really had no idea at all of any support groups, and if people were a lot more compassionate, then I think that things may have been different, and perhaps I could have led a more normal life."
-Steve Obuchowski, 18, testifying at the Public Hearings.
"I never slashed, I never swallowed, I never jumped; I was much luckier than some of the people that we have heard today. As different as each episode was, the reasons for stopping short were the same. Every time, I was able to call on someone from the Concord Academy Gay/Straight Alliance, or someone who I'd come out to through the strength and support I received there, and call out for help."
-Sharon Bergman, 18, testifying at the Public Hearings.
Devin Beringer, who is currently a senior at Concord Academy, also believes that having a support group in school and sympathetic people to talk with made the difference in his life.
"I've spent more than one lonely night sobbing while downing shot after shot, and I've also planned out my suicide more than once. Fortunately I was not alone. There were gay students and gay faculty to whom I could go for help."
-Devin Beringer, 17, testifying at the Public Hearings.
Reluctance on the part of the vast majority of schools to encourage discussions of gay and lesbian issues for students and faculty perpetuates the isolation and loneliness of lesbian/gay teens that so often drives them to attempt suicide. Unfortunately for far too many young people, fear of these discussions continues to prevent schools from being able to take the steps necessary to create a supportive environment for all students.
"That is the first step: when the teachers and the principals and the superintendents are not afraid, then the students are not afraid. And when the students are not afraid, they will live. The question is not a matter of a smoother high school experience. What school support gives kids is life."
Sharon Bergman, 18, testifying at the Public Hearings.
In Massachusetts, a survey designed by the Governor's Commission on Gay and Lesbian Youth was distributed to all students at Lincoln-Sudbury Regional High School in February of 1993.
Three hundred ninety-eight students responded to the survey. When asked the question,
"Do you think high schools should have groups or clubs that support gay, lesbian, and bisexual students?". Sixty percent of the students answered "Yes" with 22% answering "No" and 18% undecided.
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