18th February 2005 14th February 2005 Thanks to my idiot brother Ruprecht, who some of you may remember from my match reports, for pointing out the Freudian Slip in my previous report (see below) where I inadvertently referred to our present manager as Claudio. I can assure you that although I'm still disgusted with the way Don Claudio was binned by Chelsea I am now a firm fan of Jose, who is quite clearly a manager of the highest calibre. To prove it I am now prepared to confer an honorary title on the aforementioned Jose. Arise, Brigadeiro Mourinho ! 10th February 2005 Claudio has continued to work his magic (barring the blip against Man City) and Chelsea are well-placed to launch an ferocious assault on the Premiership title and possibly a couple of the other prizes as well. Do not be fooled by the twats of the popular press who are saying that Chelsea have already got the whole lot sewn up; they're just setting us up so that they can rip us down when it doesn't happen. Just ignore the cunts and let's get on with supporting our team. Trust old Santa Bates to turn up again, like the proverbial bad penny, this time in charge of Dirty Leeds. How he can show his face around Stamford Bridge I just do not know. I will restrict myself to a sad shake of the head and the observation that Leeds and Bates are perfect for each other.. a pair of old has-beens, destined only for the junkyard. More soon.. 21st December 2004 Bloody ridiculous, but things are nevertheless looking pretty good, and long may it continue. It only remains for me to wish all my readers a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. If you have enjoyed both my and Dr Les' ill-informed, inconsistent, biased and downright stupid contributions so far this season, please rest assured that we will be doing our utmost to achieve even lower standards next year. 6th December 2004 Based on my massive knowledge of the game I would also add that without Frankie Lampshade Chelsea would not be half the team they are now. I can also see that, regardless of whether or not Jose is any good at the tactical side of the game, one of his major strengths is that he is a wind-up artist of the highest order, and this should never be taken lightly. His subtle digs at Sir Fergie and Arse Winger recently have been joyous to behold. Unfortunately Dr Les has been idle of late. The reason for this is that the long queue of drug-addicted psychopaths who used to provide him with a living has had to go elsewhere due to the crack-down (forgive the pun) by the Singapore authorities that has left our esteemed "doctor" temporarily minus his license to practice. This takes some doing in a part of the world where tiger's penis and baby panda blood are regularly prescribed by the medical establishment as cures for anything from athlete's foot to terminal cancer. Sadly this leave the odious quack free to besiege me with junk mail as he pleases. The latest is another of his absurd "tests", most of which are thinly-disguised excuses to bring up unsavoury incidents from my past. I can only say that I hope that you will notice that he seems to have been present whenever one of these occurs - a coincidence ? I think not... 9th November 2004 3rd November 2004 I appear to have digressed - sorry about that. A good Champions League win in Moscow puts Chelsea into the knockout stages, so congratulations are due to both the team and their manager - let's hope for more of the same. Now the bad news: Klaus has been back in touch, demanding that I print his latest meanderings in exchange for not invading Poland. I do so against my better judgement, and I want all my readers to know that Klaus' views, especially on the Dutch and the Portuguese, do not necessarily reflect my own. On that understanding you may read on... 1st November 2004 Old misery-guts Kenyon has been robustly defending Chelsea's decision to get rid of Adrian Mutu for playing for Colombia. Not knowing the full story I can't comment on the claims by twerpish PFA chairman Gordon Taylor that there was a "hidden agenda" to get rid of Mutu, but I can't help wondering just how much money "ole JR" has got if he's able to write off £15 million just like that. It's a pantomime, that's what it is.. 25th Oct 2004 Don't worry, I'm not going soft all of a sudden - Mourinho has a long way to go before achieving "legend" status with me. I'll tell you what does get on my tits, though: judging by the flame emails I am getting it seems that a large majority of people welcome new managers and players as if they're the Messiah as soon as they show up. I've got no problem with that - if they want to go all the way on the first date that's their concern, but slagging me off because I'm a bit more discerning is a bit much. Get a life, you muppets. 22nd Oct 2004 21st Oct 2004 I feel thoroughly vindicated in my stance against Jose's tactics - the second half in particular last night was a scandal and every fan who was there should apply for their money back. It's supposed to be the Champions League for Christ's sake ! Hello ?? Anyway, it's one in the eye for the "Mourinho is God, I'd rather win 1-0 than have a decent game of football" crew. Isn't it, Dr. Les ? 19th Oct 2004 14th Oct 2004 My reporter caught up with Big Ron as he emerged from the Cradley Heath branch of Sketchleys with a velour track suit over his arm. When pressed he would neither confirm nor deny the appointment. "Can't stop, I'm off to Ratner's to get my gold ID bracelets cleaned up", he puffed as he squeezed himself into his HUMV. "I'll give you an exclusive, though," he grinned, "All that stuff about me on the TV was bollocks. Some of my best friends are black fellas !" He then sped off along the pavement in the direction of West Bromwich, scattering pedestrians like ninepins. I would like to personally thank JR Abramovich for the decisive and visionary way he has followed my recommendations to the letter. Furthermore by visiting my site daily he has demonstrated that above all he is a man of taste and decency. A final thought: With Keegan and BFR on the job we will now at least be able to stay awake during home games... 11th Oct 2004 Well not me, matey, no way. Allow me to make my position clear: Mourinho is the worst manager Chelsea have ever had and is even more sour than Ferguson. Chelsea are a shadow of the team they were and are a laughing stock in the Premiership. I would further say that any true fan of football who seriously reckons that they'd rather win 1-0 week-in, week-out than lose the odd game 4-5 is either a liar or a fool, and when this crap comes from the the manager of your team you are in serious trouble. To me winning the title means jack shit if you have do it by stiffing the punters. So I say fuck Mourinho and get in a manager who at least knows how to get the team to entertain. Bumbling Fool Ron Atkinson springs to mind - he has no idea how to organise a defence and is at a loose end just now. Also he would jump at the chance to work with the likes of Drogba, Babayaro, Makelele and Stamford The Lion. So come on, JR Abramovich, get with the fucking programme: BFR NOW, before we all die of boredom !!! Previous rants
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Priesty's Chelsea FC Refuge.
Les Bites Back
The natives appear to be extremely restless - something has caused the beast of the far east to stir from his drug and alcohol-induced hibernation long enough to dash off another poison pen letter. This time hardly anyone in football escapes his ire - I would not be in James Beattie's shoes for anything...
Eidur Licks Toffees
Congratulations to Chelsea on a fantastic win at Everton, who are a tough side to beat, especially at home. Some help was fortunately provided by James Beattie, who appears to have decided that getting himself sent off at the beginning of the game for nutting our centre back was a good way to help his team, but in the end I don't think it made much difference as Chelsea look by far the best team around at the moment. Man U ? Don't make me laugh.
Uh oh - Priesty Is Back
Hello readers, and may I be the first to wish you all a Happy New Year ! Apologies that I've been a little preoccupied since Christmas and haven't been arsed to update the site. To be perfectly frank there hasn't been much to go on about anyway - as my regular readers already know I only ever comment when I feel there's something worth saying, and what can you say about Chelsea's fantastic form this season that hasn't already been said ? I mean, it's obvious, isn't it ? Chelsea are the best team in the world at the moment, bar none.
Chelsea 4 Norwich 0
This scoreline is starting to look a bit familiar, isn't it, readers ? It's hard to criticise old Jose now that the goals are going in, and I'm delighted not to have to do so. On the other hand you have to laugh at the constant, moronic prattle from some sections of the media who would have us believe that Chelsea have the Championship, the European Cup, the League and FA Cups and the Nobel Prize for Literature sewn up with only half the season gone. You would think that they get their copy direct from that idiot Dr Les, wouldn't you ?
Chelsea 4 Geordies 0
Bugger me sideways. At this rate I will soon be having to consume some serious humble pie regarding Senhor Mourinho's tactics - our umpteenth 4-0 in recent weeks is impressive by any standards. The odious Dr Les is crowing fit to burst - he rang me this morning to gloat, and, having exchanged the usual hurtful and slanderous insults, we eventually agreed that the main catalyst for Chelsea's huge improvement recently has been the introduction of Arjen Robben and the return to form and fitness of Damien Duff.
Chelsnooze 1 Everbore 0
Top of the table, yes, but is this the price we have to pay ? To have to admit that Stamford Bridge is becoming like Highbury is fucking shameful, but that's exactly how it is. Even Jose is moaning about it, which is a bit rich when you consider that the boring style of play that Chelsea have adopted this season is totally down to him. I say fuck all this safe shite and bring back some flair - let a few goals in if that's what it takes. Sod the title. Who cares as long as we've got something to shout about ? I mean, isn't that the whole point of watching a football match ?
We're Gonna Fight, Fight, Fight For Chelsea
No real reason for that headline, it's just that I was singing that tune to myself on the Circle Line this morning, and the effect was extremely gratifying - at least ten people began moving firmly in the direction of away, thus providing me with a choice of seats. This, as anyone who travels on that line in the rush hour will tell you, is unprecendented. I shall be experimenting with other football chants from the sixties and seventies during the next few weeks and will let you know which are the best for clearing a tube carriage.
Albion Obliterated
Albeit that West Brom are not exactly setting the Premiership alight this season, at this rate I will be having to reassess my opinion of Senhor Mourinho. The 4-1 wipeout of West Brom at the weekend means that the goal tally for this season has more than doubled in the last week ! Along with Damien Duff's continually improving form, the introduction of Arjen Robben appears to have given Chelsea that certain something that has been lacking up until now. I was disappointed that Parker and Johnson were overlooked again after their solid contributions last week, but I guess it would be churlish to complain at the result.
Blackburn Bomb
Credit where it's due: the 4-0 victory over Blackburn was more like it. It appears that Jose has discovered Glen Johnson and Scott Parker in the nick of time, although why it took him so long is a complete mystery. Well done also to Guddy, whose hat trick was very welcome after all those weeks of goal drought.
Germany Calling
Right out of the blue (if you will forgive the dodgy pun) Klaus, my former East Stand correspondent, has been in touch after months of silence. He appears to have decamped to Borussia Mönchenbollocks or somewhere, and having read his submission I am deeply concerned as to his mental health, but I console myself with the thought that compared to the byzantine workings of Dr Les' brain he is lucidity itself. I am encouraged by the fact that at least one other person also thinks Jose is a lemon-sucking bore-merchant, although obviously I won't be putting it on my CV.
Champions League Thriller ?
I know Chelsea are top of their CL league and that they won 2-0 and everything, but frankly the atmosphere at the game between Chelsea and CSKA Moscow at Stamford Bridge last night reminded me of the good old days when The Blues were in the second division and playing the likes of Notts County on a freezing cold, rainy mid-week evening. Remember ? 4,000 or so punters, Greenaway making an arse of himself and you could hear every word the players said on the pitch. The only entertainment was Ian Britton shooting from 10 yards and the ball ending up going for a throw-in.
Mutu Signs For Colombia Shocker
Following the sad news that Adrian Mutu has allegedly tested positive for drugs, I hope Senhor Mourinho is feeling good about himself today, seeing as he has clearly driven Mutu to it by persecuting him so relentlessly over the past week or so. As Dr Les will no doubt confirm from personal experience, a bit of pressure can all too easily result in this kind of deviant behaviour, so I think we should seek not to judge Mutu but instead to offer him our moral support at this difficult time.
Mourinho "Finished" - World Exclusive
It looks like the Chelsea career of Jose Mourinho is about to come to a premature close. I have it on good authority that Mourinho will be sacked for upsetting diminutive striker Adrian Mutu, and, as I have been recommending for some weeks now, the "A" Team of Ron Atkinson and Kevin Keegan will be installed in his place. I understand that Big Ron will handle press conferences and TV interviews while Keegan will be put in charge of Chelsea's defensive unit.
Dr Les In Tosser Shocker
That charlatan Les has been back on to me, whining about my treatment of lemon-sucking bore-merchant Mourinho. If you remember he was just the same when I had the nerve to display loyalty to Vialli when he was sacked, harping on and on ad nauseam that vialli was crap and that Don Claudio was the best thing since sliced ciabatta, and now he's doing the same with Mourinho. He's obviously forgotten how he used to stand there chanting "Vialli, Vialli, Vialli" with the rest of them, and when Vialli went it was all "Ranieri's Blue and White Army" and suddenly Vialli was a two-bob slag.
