Shadows Into the Past...
I wonder more than ever now what it must have been like for her in the beginning, and my heart aches with pain wondering, was she ever scared then? Why didn't she ever tell me that something was going on inside her? Even worse, maybe she did at one time or another and I was too preoccupied with my own thoughts to really pay attention.
June 15, 1998... Daddy called and said Mom's sick, throwing up and its black, he always sounds so scared. As I pull out from my driveway trying to keep calm, I cannot help but wonder "will this be it?" Will her misery end tonight or perhaps tommorrow in a cold, unfeeling hospital room. I would rather her be home.
I catch myself thinking these thoughts and at the same time I am holding my breath, when I exhale, sobs shake me so violently I almost have to pull off the road I have to get myself together and I do just in time to pull onto Dad's road.
The scene was a nightmare and I won't describe it here. By the time I had a doctor on the phone, we had changed Mom's bed 4 times. Her doctor was gone, we had to use whoever was on call. After 2 hrs. I finally had a prescription in my hand to stop the vomiting. She quieted down and we stayed with her a while.
I must explain that since the end of 1996 Mom has been fed by a tube in her stomach. She could no longer be fed any other way. The other option, that is to not use the tube, was unthinkable to my Dad. I struggled with it myself, and even though I want to see her suffering end, I could not stand the thought of starving her. Daddy did, however, sign the living will. Which is to say, if at some point she must be kept alive by artificial means, he will then let her go. Since then, she has been moved to her favorite room in the house, she used to call it "her parlor" in an exaggerated Southern accent. "S" She has her own hospital bed now and a PEG tube in her tummy for the continuous feeding, and of course, a suction pump for her mouth.
June 16,1998... I called Mom's doctor today to let him know what went on last night. Suspecting internal bleeding, he admits her into the hospital. the PEG tube had irritated her stomach lining so bad, it had caused that much bleeding. She also has a bad kidney infection.
It is now been 7 days in the hospital for her and as usual her blood pressure and vital signs are good. They are now just treating her for the infection and her feeding pump has been turned back on to make sure she can tolerate it. Apparently the bleeding has stopped, the doctor decided the tests he was going to run would be too much for her.
Last night was Sunday, Father's Day, the doctor pats her frail and tiny shoulder, "I think she's going to be ok", he says looking at me. I don't know whether to laugh at the insanity of his words or cry a million more tears. I can only muster up a sad smile and say, "Thank you, doctor".
I realize it has been a while since my last entry to the diary. I apologize to those of you who have pointed this out to me. I also want to thank you for your concern. It matters a great deal to me. The progression of my Mothers disease seems to be at a standstill. There is no room for her to get any worse now, the only stage left is the end. I pray that she has peace until that day. We have no way of knowing exactly what is going on in her mind at this point. Sometimes she seems to recognize us, and will follow us with her eyes. Her verbal skills are pretty much non-existent. She murmurs at times. Once in a while a word or two she will say, it seems more like an accident when it happens and not a conscious thought. She is still using the PEG tube, of course she will never regain her ability to swallow again. She gets coughs more often now, she hasn't had a serious case of bronchitis in a while though. There seems to be a more constant "rattling" in her chest and lung area. I expect the pneumonia that so often consumes the Alzheimers patient to be upon her an day. After all these years of her illness I still cannot say I'm prepared for it.
Today is the 27th, my Moms birthday. What a sad day it was for me. I made the effort to be happy though for my parents sake. I took Mom a vase of pretty flowers and placed it on a shelf at eye level just in case she could see it and focus on it. I also found her a little windchime with an angel sitting on top of it. I love windchimes and I know my Mom does too because our tastes are so alike. I did a silly thing I know, I hung it from the pole that holds her infusion pump. At Xmas I usually wrap the pole in tinsel. It may not do anything for her, but it makes my Dad smile.
I know I have not updated in a while and much has happened since Febuary, it has become harder and harder to keep up with life these days. *weak smile* My Mom is still with us, bedfast and infant-like.
- 1991-1993
1994-1997
1998-Present
