Farmer Jokes
All semblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. If you happen to recognize yourself
or someone that you know in any of these jokes, I hope you have enough of a sense of humor to laugh about it.
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This city slicker was driving out through the country one day and missed his turnoff. He saw a small drive and decided to turn around. Misjudging the drive and not familiar with soft shouldered country roads the fellow found his Cadillac sliding into the ditch. Well it wasn't too long till a farmer came along on a tractor and saw the car in the ditch and stopped to help. As the farmer was taking a tow chain out of the tool box the city slicker walked up and asked the farmer, "What are you doing? You can't hook that dirty old tractor to my $35,000 Cadillac!" The farmer scratched his head a few seconds, put the chain away and said, "Your right, I can't hook my $45,000 tractor onto your $35,000 cadillac!" and the farmer drove away.
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A bunch of guys decided one morning that they would go deer hunting. So they all piled into the
station wagon with their guns and took off down the road looking for a place to go hunting. After driving awhile they came across an old farm house with a large spread of woods behind it. One of the guys went to the door and asked the farmer if they could hunt in his woods. When asked, the farmer said "yes, but would you do me a favor? The ol' cow in the barn yard is on her last legs and I know she is sufferin', would you kindly put her down for me, I don' have the heart to." As the hunter walked back to the station wagon, he decided to play a prank on his fellow hunters. So when he got back to the station wagon he pulled out his rifle and shouted "..I'll teach that son of a gun for not letting us hunt on his property!" and shot the old cow. After he fired the shot, he heard another shot and one of the other hunters proclaim, " Yeah, we showed him... I got the horse, too!"
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A farmer is giving his wife last minute instructions before heading to town to do some chores. "That fella from Sematol will be along this afternoon to inseminate one of the cows. I've hung a nail by the right stall so you'll know which one I want him to impregnate." Satisfied that even his mentally challenged wife could understand the instructions, the farmer left for town. That afternoon, the 'inseminator' arrives and the wife dutifully takes him out to the barn and directly to the stall with the nail. "This is the cow right here," she tells him. "What's the nail for?" the guy asks. Replies the wife, "I guess it's to hang up your pants."
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A motorist, after being bogged down in a muddy road, paid a passing farmer five dollars to pull him out with his tractor. After he was back on dry ground, he said to the farmer, "At those prices, I should think you would be pulling people out of the mud night and day." "Can't," replied the farmer. "At night I haul water for the hole."
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A farmer had been taken several times by the local car dealer. One day, the car dealer informed the farmer that he was coming over to purchase a cow. The farmer priced his unit as follows:
Basic cow: $ 499.95 FARMERS SUGGESTED LIST PRICE: $ 2843.36 Additional dealer adjustments: $ 300.00 TOTAL LIST PRICE (Including options): $ 3143.36
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One day a farmer's wife was working in the kitchen and she dropped a
fork on the floor. As she bent down to pick it up, her husband walked in
the house and said: "Woman you have a butt the size of a combine." She continued on with her work and soon she dropped a washcloth on the floor. As she bent down to pick it up the farmer said:"No, I think your butt is the size of 2 combines." She didn't pay any attention to him and continued on with her work. That night the husband was trying to get a little action when the wife said: "I'm not starting up $300,000 worth of equipment for one little corn cob."
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So this guy wants to have a luau. He needs a pig for a luau, so he goes to a pig farm. He asks the farmer for a twenty-pound pig.
The farmer goes into the pen, searches around awhile. He picks up a pig, puts the tail in his mouth, and begins swinging the pig around for a few seconds. He puts the pig down, and says, "Nope, not quite twenty pounds." He picks up another, puts the tail in his mouth, swings the pig around awhile, and declares, "This one's twenty pounds!" He brings the pig out, and the man says in a shocked tone, "You can't weigh a pig like that!" "Sure I can," said the farmer, "Watch this." He called his son over and asked him to weigh the pig. The boy came over, picked up the pig, put its tail in his mouth, and swung it around awhile. He put the pig down and said, "This one weighs twenty pounds." The man still looked perplexed, so the farmer told the boy to get his mother so that she can weigh the pig. After five minutes, the boy returned alone. "She can't come out just yet," the boy said. "She's weighing the mailman." |
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There was a farmer, sitting on the front porch of his house this one hot summer day, when this kid comes walking down the road carrying a big bundle of wire. "Hey kid!" the farmer says. "Where ya goin' with that wire?" "Well," the kid drawls, "this here ain't just any ol' wire, this here's chicken wire -- I'm fixin' to catch me some chickens!" "You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" "Sure I can!" the kid says, and takes off down the road. He comes back at the end of the day and sure enough, he's got a whole mess of chickens caught in his chicken wire. Well, the farmer's sitting on his porch the next day, and the same kid comes walking down the lane, carrying a big roll of tape. "Hey kid!" the farmer yells. "Where ya goin' with that tape?" "Well, this here ain't just any ol' tape, this here's duck tape -- I'm fixin' to catch me some ducks!" "You can't catch ducks with duck tape!" "Sure I can!" the kid says, and takes off down the road. He comes back at the end of the day and again, the farmer can't believe his eyes. The kid had a whole bunch of ducks all wrapped up tightly in his tape. The next day the farmer's sitting on his porch again, and the kid comes walking down the road carrying a stick. "Hey kid!" the farmer says. "Where ya goin' with that stick?" "Well, this here ain't just any old stick, this here's pussy willow. "Hang on," the farmer says, "I'll get my hat."
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A small town farmer had three daughters. Being a single father, he tended to be a little over protective of his daughters. When gentlemen came to take his daughters out on a date, he would greet them with a shotgun to make sure they knew who was boss. One evening, all of his daughters were going out on dates. The doorbell rang,the farmer got his shotgun, and answered the door.
A gentleman said, The farmer frowned but decided to let them go. The doorbell rang again, the farmer got his shotgun, and answered the door.
A gentleman said, The farmer frowned but decided to let them go.The doorbell rang again, the farmer got his shotgun, and answered the door.
A gentleman said, |
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An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area.
Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move. Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond. Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch. The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!" |
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A farmer goes into a farm supply store and orders two hundred chicks, explaining to the owner that he wants to start a chicken farm. Two weeks later, he returns to the store and buys another two hundred chicks. The owner is curious, but doesn't say anything. The same thing happens when the farmer returns in another two weeks for another two hundred chicks. When he returns for the fourth time, the owner's curiousity is too much for him, so he asks the farmer why he keeps coming back for so many chicks. The farmer says, "Well, I guess I must be doing something wrong, but I don't know what. I think I'm either planting them too deep or too close together." Confused by his lack of success, the farmer sends off a report of what he has done to the local agricultural school, asking for advice. Three weeks later, the reply comes back, saying simply, "Please send soil sample." |
| A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking. After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!" The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning." |
| Sven was going for his morning walk one day when he walked past Ole's house and saw a sign that said "Boat For Sale." This confused Sven because he knew that Ole didn't own a boat, so he finally decided to go in and ask Ole about it. "Hey Ole," said Sven, "I noticed da sign in your yard dat says 'Boat For Sale,' but ya don't even have a boat. All ya have is your old John Deere tractor and combine." Ole replied "Yup, and dey're boat for sale." |
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A Nebraska farmer took his family on a vacation to New York City. One day, the father took his son into a rather large building; they were amazed by everything they saw -- especially the elevator at one end of the lobby. The boy asked, "What's this, Paw?" The father responded, "Son I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is!" While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened again, and a voluptuous 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father turned to his son and said, "Go get your Maw." |
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A young new preacher was preparing his first sermon to be delivered to his new congregation in a small rural town. Since he was new and he really wanted to impress his "flock" with the oratory and spiritual prowess he had learned at divinity school, he took extra care to prepare his Sunday message. Unfortunately on Sunday morning, when he awoke to prepare for his big day, he discovered that it had snowed the night before and the snow was three feet deep. But he reasoned that the people in this town were a hardy sort and would turn out for church, as usual. When he arrived at the church, he was somewhat disappointed to find that only one person had shown up. He again reasoned that since this man had come to church in such bad weather conditions, the man must have been in need of a spiritual uplifting, so he decided to proceed with the full service. The man in the pew sat and listened attentively to the sermon, which lasted for about an hour and a half. After the service, the preacher, proud that he had certainly "wowed" his listener, asked the man what he thought of the sermon. The man replied, "Well, preacher, the sermon was good but, I'm a farmer and, in weather like this, if I had taken a wagonload of hay out to the field to feed my cows and only one cow showed up, I certainly wouldn't have fed that cow the whole darn load!"
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A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, "May I help you?" The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of the, dayvorces." The attorney said, "Well do you have any grounds?" The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres." The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?" The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere." The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?" The farmer said, "Yea, I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere." The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?" The farmer said, "Yes, sir, I got a suit, I wear it to church on Sundays." The exasperated attorney said, "Well, sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?" The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30." Finally, the attorney said, "Okay, let me put it this way: why do you want a divorce?" "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her." |
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Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?", asked the lawyer. Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..." "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?" Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..." The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question." By this time the judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what the man has to say." Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a highway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me." He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?" |
| A city man was tooling down a country road when his car sputtered to a complete stop near a field filled with cows. The driver, getting out to see what was the matter, noticed one of the cows looking at him. "I believe it's your radiator," said the cow. The man nearly jumped right out of his city slicker britches! He ran to the nearest farmhouse and knocked on the door. "A cow just gave me advice about my car!" he shouted, waving his arms frantically back toward the field. The farmer nonchalantly leaned out beyond the door frame to glance down the field. "The cow with two big black spots on it?" the farmer asked slowly. "Yes! Yes! That's the one!" the excited man replied. "Oh. Well, that's Ethel", the farmer said, turning back to the man. "Don't pay any attention to her. She doesn't know a thing about cars." |
| An old farmer had just arrived in heaven and St. Peter was showing him around. They first stopped at a beautiful golf course. "Wow!" said the farmer, "It must cost a lot to play golf on such a marvelous course." "No," said St Peter, "we have hundreds designed by the most famous pros and they are all free and no waiting for tee times." Next was a restaurant and the food was just heavenly. "Boy," said the farmer "I bet this sure costs a lot." "No this is also free and we have everything from the best down home cooking to the finest French cuisine all free." The last stop was a shop and St. Peter said "I think you might like this also." Inside were a bunch of happy folks restoring old tractors. "Now I know this costs a lot of money; parts and stuff, you know." "Not here," replied St. Peter. "It's all free. Choose any model tractor or old engine and its here the next day ready to be worked on." At this the farmer became red in the face and began to curse profusely. St Peter was somewhat startled and asked what the problem was. "Well," replied the farmer, "if I had not given up smoking and drinking and ate all those tasteless health foods I could have been here ten years sooner!" |
| There's this kid who lives on a farm. One day he comes home from school in a really bad mood. Walking to the house, he sees a pig and kicks it. Then he sees a chicken and kicks that. Then he walks into the house. His mother was watching this the whole time and says to him, "I saw you kick those animals. For kicking the pig, you'll have no bacon for a week. For kicking the chicken, you'll have no eggs for a week." The kid's about to say something, when his father walks in the door, also in a foul mood, and kicks the cat. The kid says to his mother, "You want to tell him or should I?" |
| A ventriloquist was driving through Nebraska when his car broke down. He walked a ways and found a farmer who would let him use his phone. Well, the farmer seemed to be a real stereotypical rural type, so the ventriloquist thought it would be possible to have some fun with him. The farmer began to lead him back to the house. Along the way, they passed a horse. The ventriloquist said to the farmer, "Is this your horse?" The farmer replied, "Yep." The ventriloquist asked, "Can he talk?" The farmer said, "Nope." The ventriloquist then said to the horse, "So, how do you like it here?" He then threw his voice, and said in a horse-like voice, "Oh, it's pretty good. Every morning the farmer feeds me oats." Upon hearing this the farmer was startled and quickened his pace. Soon they came to a cow. The ventriloquist asked, "Is this your cow?" and the farmer replied, "Yep." He then asked, "Does it talk?" and the farmer replied, "I..I don't think so." The ventriloquist asked the cow, "How do you like it here?" and threw his voice again. In a cow-like voice, he said, "Oh, I like it just fine. Every morning the farmer comes and milks me." Upon hearing this, the farmer squirmed. He looked down at the ground and continued walking. Soon they came to some sheep. The ventriloquist asked, "Are these your sheep?" and the farmer replied, "Yep." He then asked, "Do they talk?" and the farmer exclaimed, "Yes, but they lie!"
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A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice and generally making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.
While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways... At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no and mumble a reply. Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say 'Yes, it was.' The men would then ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't, it's all booked up for a year.'" |
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One day a rich young city man hired an ol' farm boy to do some painting. When the farm boy showed up in the morning the rich young man handed him a bucket of paint and a big brush and abruptly told him to go around the back and paint the porch. About an hour later the farm boy comes back to the front of the house and knocks on the door. When the rich young man answers it he says, "What do you want?" The farm boy says, "Ah'm through paintin'. Whadda ya want me to do next?" The rich guy exclaims, "You're finished! You couldn't be finished this soon! Did you paint the whole porch?" The farm boy, put off with the guy's attitude, says, "Yeah, I's through. And ah'll tell ya one more thang, too - that ain't no Porch! That thang's a Mersaidees Bendz!" |
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