...the hopes and despair

self-doubts...

Certain chinks remain with oneself throughout the life. For Geeta, one of these was the pervading feeling of ill-at-ease with people. She liked company, yet when with people, there was this feeling of being under the microscope, exposed and judged. She would conduct a session or a course, and keep worrying about what would others have thought of her - even though the feedback may be excellent; she would invite people home and worry herself to death how would she be judged if everything was not perfect; she would meet friends, but would keep on doubting if they really liked her or were being just polite... it was an endless bout of self-critiquing which would leave her exhausted...

It was there, even when we were getting to know each other in mid-70s:




Recently Dr P had asked me to test MM. Four hours for two days continually and another day fixed after these holidays. Afterward Dr P and I used to walk together till the gate... She said, "now you look much better, Geeta."... I wonder if it is true - if it is, it means that being independent lends you a glow from inside...

Hesitation - in going to others’ houses - what is it I wonder? Am I afraid?... Yes, I am, I know that - afraid of being made fun of, of being socially disapproved... of losing friendship instead of gaining it. I can’t get rid of the feeling that I am a burden on everyone and no one really appreciates my coming; and there are some people I want to visit often... how dark the frustration I suffer then. I asked MP, "Will you let me come again?" She was surprised and said, "Why not?" and I had to change the truth slightly.

And when Dr P said, "Drop in any time you come to Ganj, you are always welcome," I had to say, "Really Ma’am? May I?"... The I tried to explain - you see, I’m rather shy of visiting people but sometimes I have a need to talk to you - she said, "you’ll have to grow out of that."

And declining all the time going to friends’ places - am I growing up into a mature recluse - an animal?! But there are too few people I really like, and then you’ve to meet their parents, husbands, brothers, sisters - whom I often don’t like at all. Sociophobia to a burning degree!

I suppose the deficiency is in myself, so better accept is as such. How many adjectives may describe you - glum, unpleasant, aggressive, bookworm, snappy, cold? What a picture does it pain?... What a nasty person, and besides, what do you think if you attract the attention of all those silly people like...? Perhaps your self-concept has not really changed. It can never change. Illusions occur and melt away... why don’t you have decent friends... perhaps my appearance does create an impression of that kind... or why else was PS so anxious to convey all her secrets to me. But this is a vicious cycle... you are back to the stage after BA II. And she might have been right too, “I don’t know how people get the guts to talk to you. One must have a personality that people should think twice before approaching you.”

As if one shouldn’t be a human being, but some kind of devil. But she was right in some way, that you talk to everyone in spite of being a girl... One point of view is also that if you are simple and straightforward, people take advantage of you... simple means stupid!... What all this boils down to is that if you are friendly with others, you will be called “fast” and lose - or if you keep to yourself n your shell, you will be called a social reject or isolate.

Why does it happen? God knows I don’t want to talk to all people, but there is no one else o speak to me... in the Univ nobody knows each other and so on one speaks, and how can I help it if all the people coming in contact with me are disagreeable to me...

What kind of image are you trying to project? What do you want to become? Do you know who you are, or is it an illusion of yourself?... And can’t you take on a new image... the ideal Indian woman - no attachments, solitude, respectability...

Oh hell. It is quite unpleasant to be in a sari and have a bun all the day long, without having to bother over minute baffling matters. But think, don’t you have an obligation for your family’s prestige?

{the bundle of raw nerves} (a world she felt responsible for} {her prison}
{the inexplicable fears} {her resentments} {the inner life}
{the flapping of wings} {the cold as steel in her} {her intense independence}
{depth of insights and feelings} {her romantic self} {the seeds to unfold} {the hurts and pain}

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