This was one significant part of her growing up - and it remained with her till as late as Hunger-Struck...
An idle mind is the workshop of the devil. I remain too idle perhaps. I perhaps sit too much alone because of my studies. I don’t have any friends and I don’t go out at all. All this is the basic cause of my failures, as far as I can see. I am not so fearless as to go out by myself, and the problem is that people seem to appreciate that girls stay at home. If you begin to go out a lot, they simply stare and whisper. I have created the impression on others that I am one of those “good and quiet little girls who never do anything remarkable. and lead a peaceful life.” I hate it all. It’s sheer hypocrisy. This is the chief result of my stubbornness in childhood in not going out with girls and trying to be a boy. I have never had any friends because.... When I was in Hussainganj, it was all right - I had plenty of friends as well as enemies, and I could rule them all. Even I Christ Church College I was duly appreciated, though I don’t know why. As soon as we came to Mahanagar and I had to change school, I lost everything... I began to stay at home and read, instead of going out to play. And in the school I was given a promotion, and I studied with older girls who have always tried to appear younger. Even in the colony, my age girls were one year behind me, and so they were jealous and rude. Naturally I led a secluded life.
I am 18 now. I have been imagining my playmates and other type of people, and now my classfellows - all of whom adore me - since the age of 12 or 13. It is high time I stopped. I am indeed determined to stop all my practices of imagining wonderful things happening to me. I suppose it satisfies my egotistical nature. Why couldn’t I have been beautiful, like my mother? But it may all be for good. I’ll now put down my prescription for my cure - I should stop or I’ll become a maniac or something. There is no need to go to a psychiatrist. I can understand myself. I would have liked everything to be better. But since it can’t I’ll try to adjust in the circumstances. Now, I should try to go out more somehow. If I can’t go out, I’ll take at least one hour in the evenings to walk in the lawn or work in the house... I want to be normal, not in intellectual going but in emotional crisis. All frustrations can be checked in time... And I should never remain alone. I’ll try my best - for one day at a time...
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