These excerpts from her diary are from around the time we first met in November-December 1974:
I have made some promises again, and they are never to be broken. I shall not write anything about my blackouts, because they confuse things a lot. And I shan’t have blackouts too. I am much more cheerful now, now that real studies have begun. But anyhow, whenever I feel rotten, I’ll have to think of the future and be firm with myself...
Life is dramatising itself in countless situations these days. I never feel so bored as I always did... I learnt that RP, the dumb cat, comes to the Univ on a gent’s bike, and she too has never ridden in traffic before... So this boosted up my spirits a lot. I came home and announced that I would go by bike in all conditions, and surprisingly enough, no one contradicted my words. Dad’s quite prepared to accompany me... I’ve been bold enough to go to S’s house on my own - twice. I think I am growing up at last. Mum’s a bit tremulous and dubious but she can be talked over.
Last night I asked Mum again what I was expected to do. I know that dad wants me to get the Gold Medal this year, and though I can’t say so aloud, I am pretty sure that I’ll only get a 1st with luck. There are 10 first classes in our section, and all are alert to their studies...
Mum said I should do my MA and get settled with someone decent. That is the last thing I will do. I’d rather do MA, go in for research, get my doctorate, and appear for IAS. I really fancy having the addition Dr. before my name. Dr. Geeta Saxena, IAS. That is my aim and that is what I will be one day. After all I have all the time in the world and no hurry at all. Probably I’ll have to appear twice or thrice before I get through, but that doesn’t matter. One can always go for lecturership in the meantime.
So I don’t see why I’ve got to top in MA. It wouldn’t be bad if I did, but then I wouldn’t like to think how much effort it would require to beat the best brains in the class. It would be much better to enjoy life a bit than to pore over old books all the time... Anyhow I have started being a wee bit bolder than was my wont, and it has surprised the family...
I’ll try to leave off all my nervousness in college. I really feel as if everybody were staring at me all the time. I know they do, because whenever I dare to glance anywhere I find my face the intersection point of several straight gazes. I grow red every time and bite my lips or do something equally silly, or at least I begin to jabber unceasingly. Even in class, my ears and cheeks have got into the habit of turning red and feeling hot every few minutes... I do talk a lot, even in the presence of teachers... I don’t know what to do. I must really control my moods as well as my hands and my tongue. Am going to begin tomorrow...
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