...Mum was terribly upset. But that is no excuse for the way she behaved. Wnder what’s got into her mind. She’s... so sarcastic at times that one can almost feel the force of her vehemence. I keep acting as a go between and I do try my level best to soothe her feelings. Well, all right, she has endured a lot in her time, but then Dad has too, and he never even mentions it. That’s why I say that housewives are the worst variety of female species. What with all the mental strain of trying to keep up to the mark in class, I hardly get enough time for studying as I would like to. And on the top of it, I have to pacify my mother’s mind. If in pacifying her you say anything rough for Dad, then too she gets annoyed. And if you don’t express enough concern and use the appropriate words, she feels it terribly. I am in a real mess and don’t know what to do. The boys never have to endure all this. At the most they get scoldings, and that is not much...
...I become the center for everyone in every row in the house, and... all come and explode before me. It is a terrible mental strain on me, and I sometimes control myself very hard not to yell. And I have to pacify their feelings as well, and find appropriate solutions for their problems...
Today things happened as I wanted, but after some difficulties... Amma said, “I have to tell you something important.” I thought it would be the same dreadful thing - the end of the world - my little personal world - Geeta you are getting formally engaged on such and such a date. But it wasn’t... she said that Papa was quite agreed that I shouldn’t be murdered yet... he said it was all right if I wanted to study but I can’t put the thought of marriage away... and that if there was someone of my choice, I could tell Papa and he would look after everything. What a relief! But I don’t like the conventional way of talking through a go-between - he could have talked to me. I don’t think any of this is meant in reality ‘ “those two gems” of boys still remain in the vicinity, but I feel better now. Perhaps because I have decided to either end my life, or to do something worthwhile with it. And he shall know nothing. I can’t be a little girl all the time, or even half the time. Gone are the wonders of childhood dreams, the coy satisfaction of clinging to find a large hand to grasp yours and feel safe. To hell with your own feelings - just struggle for your existence. What do you expect - someone cannot be present to always hold your hand and make you feel secure, Geeta. That is the sort of relationship you are striving to avoid. What is it that you want? Friendship without involvement?
I asked Amma whether intercaste marriage would be permissible. She said, yes positively. She said, “As long as we are there, you don’t have to worry about these things. We will deal with them.” Sometimes she is tower of strength...
...Mom was getting worse everyday. In fact, she has to do an awful lot of housework, and a helper is very urgently needed in our house. But there isn’t even a sweeper. We do everything ourselves, and we aren’t ashamed of it too. But there is something which comes to mind; What happens to all the money we save by our efforts? What if we didn’t do anything except studying as other children do?... Now why doesn’t this 50 Rs - which we save by doing housework - get spent on us - in maintaining the standards of our family, or in bettering our health. None of us have any expensive habits or interests, yet we seem to live in scarcer circumstances that others living be. Why, they wear better clothes, and look smarter than we do - while we, who work hard at home and harder in studies wear very simplle clothes, and also lesser in quantity. At least we should be given more clothes... How can you think of great things if you are always concerned about what you are looking like?
Sometimes I really get angry over all this...
This quote, written in one of her diaries, was from one the old issues of Readers'Digest:
“...no rationalisations, no tricky sophistry, no “modern” moral twists cn change the fact that your life and the lives of those who love you most will never be the same, will never be as contented or happy or hopeful as they once were, because for one selfish moment you ignored your responsibility to - to your family, to society - and to yourself.”
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