2002.04.28

i was always too occupied 
watching the tide throwing itself on the sandy beach 
that i never noticed that there is a shore across the water 
and land and civilization lies just across the bay 

how is it, 
that some people can hurt u so deeply 
and the pain can stay with u 
for so long... so long... 

memories belong in the past 
but more than often 
the past present and future are inseparable 
u can't just live in the present 
because you are a product of your past 
yet u cannot disregard the future 
because the future is now 
we are always constantly making memories of the future 
so how do u live in the moment? 
how do u capture happiness 
or, in that case 
how do u capture anything at all 
how do u stop it all from just passing u by...   


2002.04.30

it's rent day again 
once again i kept on forgetting 
until i got the slip under the door 
and had to go pay the check past midnight yet again 

my plant finally died today 
it lasted thru 21days of dehydration 
while i was gone for spring break 
but i guess every plant has its tolerance level 
it's a miracle that i can kill such a plant 
those, whatever they're called types 
usually they NEVER die... 
i am really awed by myself 

the people directly downstairs from me are moving out 
so that makes 3 moving ins and 2 moving outs since i got here 
in a less than 4 month period. 

life changes so much and nothing is constant 
not even the stars 
someday even the big dipper or the northern star itself 
will blow up and become one of those nebulas 
or a black hole, collapse into itself... 

there are a lot of stars tonight tho 
and it's a warm night, it's been a warm day... 

i went to the beach again today... 
walked around in the shallow water. 
but the ocean ground wasn't level 
and it became steep all of a sudden 
i'd say the slope was about... 10? 
and i landed splash into the water 
but there didn't seem to be an end 
because my feet could not touch the ground 
so i had to swim back 
and got all wet 
just like last time 
always getting soaked 
never prepared for it 

life goes around and around in circles 
u gotta fight the demons or else they'll always come back to get u 
but how exactly do u kill the demons? 


2002.05.05 [rhetorical question...]

rhetorical question = a question that's thrown out into the void.
no answer expected. intention is to provoke thought. 

so here's some for u.. 
when u see a group photo, who do u look at first? 
urself? 
ur crush? 
somebody else? 
whoever's wearing the brightest clothes? 

how do u determine wheter or not it's a "good" photo? 
ur appearance/pose/expression? 
ur crush's appearance pose expression? 
the general atmosphere of the group? 
the perfect smiles and happiness that seeks thru the photo? 
the goofiness or "caught in the act-ness" of the photo? 
the memories stirred up by the photo? 

what do u consider as the best quality in a friend? 
(cuz let's admit it, there's no perfect person, 
and thus no perfect friend) 
appearance? 
humour? 
caring? 
intelligence? 
honesty/integrity? 
family background? (rich/poor) 

what kind of friend would be prefer to have? 
the goofball (always making u laugh but never serious) 
the safety net (always there to catch u when u fall) 
the buser (there for the joy ride only) 
the philosopher (always serious always deep) 
the well rounded (nearly perfect combo
but just missing some emotional attachment) 

there are a billion answers... 
but there are a billion answers... 
one question is posed at a time.. 
that is why life is so simple yet so complex... 
we can solve it one problem at a time... 
but most of the time we don't do much about things 
we think all we have to do is give things time 
but that's not enuff and we should know that by now 
so it ends up feeling like a million questions flood us all at once 
and we are emersed, drowned, submerged...   


2002.06.09 [graduation 2002]

畢業了 但玩得一點都不盡興 
但是今年有很多事都證明我成年了 
我要學會真真正正的為自己和別人負責 
今年我18了, 高中畢業了, 房子快買到了 
受了許多挫折, 也都站起來許多次了 
所以就是說嘛, 成年了, 該學會百分百自然的開心 
所以grad night我沒有任何的stimulant (連coke都沒有喔) 
果然... high 不起來... 
坐在角落看著我的朋友們越喝越high... 
好像一幅彩色油畫中的一個黑色的人影 
but it's all good, 我最擅長為別人開心了 

今天忙了整整一天, 早上9點到半夜12點都沒有間歇 
好累好累了, 但是翻出畢業照的照片, 還是有好多好多感觸 
親愛的朋友啊, 我們還會再見面嘛? 
我們還會再有往來嘛? 
我還會聽到有關你的消息嘛? 
一切其實都已經結束了... 剩下忙provincial和房子的事 
搬完家, 又回台北了... 像往常一樣, 是回家... 
但是這次再回到vancouver的時候, 一切都會不同了吧 
有些人, 是不會再見到了 
有些人, 見是見的到, 但已算是分道揚鑣了 
到分岔路的路口就應該要勇敢放手是嗎? 
可是好難好難... :( 
總是放不下太多太多... 

坐在第二排的位子, 看著大家一個一個的拿了畢業證書 
為大家感到開心, 但心裡卻很慌 
就這樣子了嗎?? 
五年來的努力, 五年來所吃的苦, 所忍的痛, 所承受過的重擔, 
難道一個兩個小時多的儀式就可以畫下句號嗎?? 
half of me is in disbelief 
half of me believes that i'm not only ready to move on 
but that in many ways i already have... 
i already feel so detatched from everyone... 
is it supposed to be like this? 
are we really... on our own now? 

Dear Friend - Shunza 

跟夏天才告別　轉眼滿地落葉 
遠遠的　白雲依舊無言 
像我心裡感覺　還有增無減 

跟去年說再見　轉眼又是冬天 
才一年　看著世界變遷 
有種滄海桑田　無常的感覺 

Oh~ Friend 我對你的想念 
此刻特別強烈　我們如此遙遠 

朋友孩子的臉　說著生命喜悅 
如果說　我們依然相戀 
說不定在眼前　是另外情節 

Oh~ Friend 我對你的想念 
此刻特別強烈　這麼多年 
Oh~ Friend 我對你的想念 
此刻特別強烈　如此遙遠 

Friend~   


2002.06.13

凌晨四點, 明天考mock, 我坐在這裡打文章... 
so typically mel. :) 

剛剛看到通知說這個notebook將於7/31停止供應... 
至少我有個backup homepage, 哈哈...~ 

我又要搬家了~ 覺得小小悲哀... 
不是因為會想念房子... 而是因為我不太想念它... 

今天寄出了waterloo的 admission offer decline letter... 
懊惱... 其實我很想去. 人該要忠於自己的理想, 
但總有太多太多太多放不下... 

剛剛在看grad的照片, 又翻了翻96~99年的信件... 
還記得我以前託盼望著收到莉, 山雞, 文, 君, etc 的信... 
現在都沒有常往來了... 
以前那是我的精神支柱啊! 

以前的我, 現在的我, 到底差了多少... 
看到莉在1997年底寄給我的信, 上面寫著 
"孝, 妳還是沒變啊!" 
記得當時看到那句話, 心裡好欣慰, 好溫暖... :) 

暑假搬完家就馬上回台北了... 
所以八月底回來的時候, 是回到一個陌生的地方... 
去一個陌生的學校, 跟陌生的人上課... >__<" 
oh well, i suppose it could be worse... 
i could be in another city, for instance. 
it's just... i hate hate hate change... 

看photos, 看貼貼, 很多good times... 
剛剛在聽fukuyama masaharu 的 sakura zaka 
想到japan... the BEST time!! :) 
ooyama was right, it WAS a life changing experience... :) 
ai~ miss the good times. 
now it's just everyone freaking out about provincials... 
and not enjoying the last few days of school... 
and no annuals till tuesday!! sux~ 

hee, i'm becoming so pointless... 
為了我的 50% minumum, 去睡覺覺吧~   


2002.06.18


昨天收到annual, 才兩天, 已經簽的滿滿的 
雖然有那麼多話寫在裡面, 大家其實都心知肚明吧 
將來不但不會再相見, 很可能根本就不會聯絡了... 
這樣的事, 我已經很習慣了... 已經不是第一,二次這樣的分離了~ 
對這些相遇, 分別的事都冷冷的, 是好是壞? 
人說, 凡事往壞處想就比較不會受傷, 是真的吧. x__X" 

grad-write-up, 有些後悔我沒有特別寫給每個人 
不過算了吧~ 也不可能擠的下~ plus, 
ppl who are special to me should know who they are
and why they are important... 
if they don't know/understand, then maybe
they don't deserve to be treated the way i treat them... :p 

這一兩個月每次想寫些什麼的時候都會變得很沒有心情... 為什麼呢? 

今天在收房子的時候打開門口的closet... 
看到好多空的盒子... 想到很快的, 那些盒子又要被裝滿了... 
覺的很煩... 特別是, 還沒有買書櫃... 
沒有書櫃就覺得不完整, 沒有沙發卻無所謂. 我很怪吧. 

ai~ after 5 years of highschool, most ppl will remember me
as a weird/snappy person... 
how sad... how sad.   


2002.06.28 [pessimistic crap]

if we can't have something that we want, 
we're asking for too much, right? 
i mean, people weren't born to be happy 
they weren't meant to have lives, to live, love and laugh 
no, why would we think that? 
life is supposed to be miserable 
and we're meant to just suck it up right? 
we're not meant to befriend each other 
i mean it's each for his own, 
but we're allowed to use ppl n then ditch them 
cuz that's the way it's meant to be, right? 
whenever we feel sad or down, 
we're just being spoiled little brats; 
we're just asking for too much, 
right? 

"What you want 
What you lost 
What you had 
What is gone is over 
What you've got 
What you love 
What you need is real 
If it's not enough 
It's not enough 
It's not enough I'm sorry 
If it's not enough 
It's not enough" 
--- Our Lady Peace   


2002.07.10

回到台北的第二天就去看牙醫, aiyaiyai. 
今天早上起床的時候眼睛特別特別腫, 
出門前想想要不要化妝, 還是算了, 
心裡我想著, 反正又不會碰上誰~ 
結果結果, 回家前去買杯珍奶, 
原來是漢堡家開的店!! 
請想像我的驚訝... 走入店內... 
"外帶. 咦? 啊啊啊啊, 妳妳妳!!" 
今天對什麼都淡淡的, 走的時候也沒留電話~ 
雖然說了一句 "下次再來找妳", 
誰知道還會不會去呢... 
嗯... 漢堡的痘痘終於都消失了... 

換了手機號碼 (舊手機這個月被老媽打爆了) 
結果就是SIM卡裡面是空白的電話簿 
一個人晃去西門町換禮品, 連個逛街的伴兒都找不到... 
就只好直接回家囉... ai ai ai~ 

還在考慮應不應該打電話給山雞??? 
打去了又要說什麼啊... 
"喂, hi, 我是那個好幾年沒回妳信的人..." 
啊 啊 啊... 還有amy... 

人際關係實在是太複雜... 還是去看書吧~