2000.09.20.

"sometimes the hardest thing to do is to realize and face the truth...
 everything after that u do deliberately and with little pain,
 becuz u know it's right and that it has to be done."

"永遠不希望任何人不開心  想了太多顧及太多  反而會是自己最不開心"

為什麼會無法控制的出神  我也不想這樣
想忙到不能去亂想  但思緒又不是我所能左右
算了吧  讓我這樣吧  想什麼 要什麼 別問我
can u please let me be; this is just the way i am
sometimes i just need to be alone  聆聽夜的聲音

-- the sheep on b612


2000.10.09.

發覺自己真係好任性...
kore... shikata ga nai yo...
~(o___0)"~

原諒我 不會為誰人作出改變  願你可接受我倔強相當的臉
明白我 不太願意別了真的我  但我知你是我極愛戀的一個
在最甘與及最苦挽手走過  無奈我自承認缺點真太多

是少了什麼   還是多了什麼
記憶中的感覺   完全變了樣
想要微笑  我的表情卻是空洞的
想要說話  我的聲音卻是哽咽的
oh well, everything's gonna be alright
i know tmw it's all gonna be just fine

*i'd much rather be a real nobody, than a fake somebody*

我會堅強, 很堅強... 只因為我已經走了這麼遠, 沒理由現在停步.
回望過去, 有些選擇我現在後悔了, 有些人我當時錯怪了, 有些機會
我在徬徨中錯過了. 但是如果你讓我改, 我真的沒有什麼想改的...
因為這樣, 讓我更有決心... 無論前面的路還有多遠, 有多艱辛,
我也要堅強的以我自己的方式走下去.
就算是再得罪更多人也在所不惜...
因為我是我自己.


2000.10.15.

i won't pretend that i understand
cuz u know wut? i'm probably just as lost as u~

今天我看著一隻蜘蛛織網, 連結蔓延一整面牆的網...
然後我突然想到, 在這裡陪著我一起呼吸的, 只有蜘蛛而已...
以蜘蛛為伴的生活, 已經過了多久, 還需要持續多久...
就算我每天都出去到很晚, 最後也還是回到個空曠的地方...
我的問題, 在於我太堅強了... 一直以來強迫自己堅強著...
不但說服了身邊的人, 連自己都以為自己真的很堅強... but... 是嗎

我是一隻迷途的羔羊. 我不相信上帝, 所以祂不會來救我的.
如果我告訴你, 我相信你, 那你會不會也相信我, 而幫我呢?
你幫的了我嗎...?


2000.10.18.

a couple days ago i was watching "ally macbeal", and i saw
the following dialogue...
John: how do u keep so happy all the time??
Elaine: well, happy is easy. i try to look happy on the 
outside. i smile a lot and act cheerful. then other ppl
think that i am happy, and i look through their eyes,
from their prespective, then i FEEL happy. it doesn't help
with loneliness, but happy is easy. 

感觸好多喔... 是不是最近我一直都這樣的騙別人騙自己, 說我很快樂?
我真的是打從心底的快樂嗎? 如果是話, 怎麼火氣這大? 而且開心了, 
那寂寞呢? 我不應該感到寂寞的, 現在. 可是... ~(o__0)~


2000.10.23.

最近好像很容易沒安全感, 很怕寂寞...

i'm scared... 好怕好怕.. 最近又開始作惡夢...
以"crazy"的理由解釋一切  不願面對問題的核心
是害怕不能承受原因  還是害怕又會迷了路
在每個有雲看不見星空的夜晚  感傷著

少說多做  吃虧的是我  但又有什麼所謂
現實生活中  讓你一步  何必計較代價
我們都在慢性死亡  誰先誰後又有何分別
世界末日的時候  我在終點等你  不必感動


2000.10.24.

又開始一個人住的日子, 有點落寞.
今天收到來自遠方的信, 多少有點安慰
即使遠方的朋友, 也有在遠方的煩惱.
聽著張震嶽的'勇氣', 真的是很棒的歌.
又開始想染頭髮了...

life is good
u gotta want it to be true
and then truly belive in it
dun't ever let ur hope die
dun't ever let ur imagination die
be yourself at all times


2000.10.25.

我感激動便流淚 逛進了花蕾便陶醉
活著是為了像蝴蝶來又去
害怕孤獨便團聚 怕過於迫[劫]便離去
活著未為我為誰

"i'm happy, so shut up." -- the crazy sheep.

我唔會講D 你鍾意聽D o野, 我只會講我的心底說話.
最多我唔答你, 但我唔會講一句假說話來騙你.


2000/10/28

今天晚上
我喝了很多水
讀了很多書.
但是今天晚上
我覺得很空白
很空虛.


2000/11/11

如果世界上的女人多過於男人, 那為什麼那麼多人沒有女朋友呢?
因為那麼多男人都在追同一個女人啊... tsk tsk tsk
*朝夢想的方向努力邁進~ 成功是靠努力, 並非由天才決定的~*

"i am who i am
 who else could i be
 i stand where i stand
 choose to be me
 if u look in my eyes
 u'll get what u see
 understand if u can
 that i am who i am"
-- such a good song~ :)

i once said -- doing what u want is crucial to
achieve happiness, but it's not always possible. 
now i say -- oh bull, u want it? go for it!
開心第一   管他的道德禮貌倫理後果

~work hard, play hard, enjoy~


2000.11.13.

don't u agree that it's so hard to balance all the things in 
your life? school, family, friends, relationships, and personal
space... it always feels like i have so little time, and so much
to do... the next thing i know, i'm loosing contact with those
who were once dearest to me, and i'm drifting further and
further away from the me that i was once so proud of. i'm always
so afriad that i'd loose my roots, that i'd forget all that i've
grown up to believe... i guess i really fear change and all that
comes with it. if i felt happy today, i can't help but to think
that soon, it will all end, somewhere along the line... i will
have to move again, i will have to leave it all behind again,
start yet another completely different life... and in all the
confusion and new busy beats, i will once again drift away...
so, when will i finally settle down? to one country, one city,
one house, one home... get to keep my friends, stay with my
whole family... is this why i always feel empty inside? no
matter how well things are going, is this why i still feel so
empty? because i lack stableness? a secure feeling? and if so,
what solution do i have? what choice do i have... what could i
possibly do about it all...

戒掉了很久很久的壞習慣, 一個一個慢慢的從黑暗的角落中爬出,
準備重新佔領一點一滴我的生活... (我又破戒了... *苦笑*)


2000.11.14.

睡不著的夜, 泡一杯香香的綠茶, 翻開一本書...
讀讀書, 想想事情... 直到ICQ上的人一個一個下了線,
直到天際慢慢開始亮起... 又過了一晚, 又過了一天... 
離夢想有沒有近了些, 離以前的自己是否又遠了點...


2001.december. 

I believe kawariyuku watashi demo
I believe kawarenai mono ga aru
I believe kawariyuku sekai demo
I believe kawaranai mono ga aru

後來發現  事實真的比較醜陋
後來驚覺  曾經被欺騙被利用
後來發現  其實沒想像中在意
後來決定  過去的就讓它過去

用很多的力氣, 很小的聲音, 告訴自己...
everything's gonna be alright...

and u play ur music loud just so you won't feel so alone
and u always keep ur cell open just in case someone calls
and u leave the lights on so u feel better when u come home
and u say it's gonna be okay but u lie to urself and u lie to the world...

the truth is that it don't make no difference at all
wut u say n wut u do don't make no difference at all

我不知道需要用什麼樣的神情姿態語音語言表情態度才能讓你們相信我有
種很無奈不想理的感覺但是我必須抗拒因為那不是對的因為我真的不希望
失去你們但是為什麼心中的聲音在說這一切已不能補救了難道真的是這樣
嗎我不希望這樣子但是我無能為力而我也不能夠道歉因為說真的我一點也
不感覺到抱歉我一點也沒有變我不會後悔也不會感到抱歉如果我的決定傷
到了什麼人我會輕聲的說我不是故意的可是我真不覺得我有對不起誰uknow
唉靠我管你們在想什麼我沒力氣管了算了吧甘我屁事反正我講的你們又聽
到了幾句又相信了多少