"Forgive me Father, for I am not myself..."

Just caught that Josh Hartnett movie, 40 Days and 40 Nights. Not that I'm a regular movie reviewer, but this flick is ripe for it. In case you are a Luddite, this movie stems from one young stud on the rebound and his desire to embrace his Catholicism and abstain from all forms of sexual activity for Lent. And of course, during that time, he meets the girl of his dreams. Blah blah blah, you can guess where this one's going...

This was painful to watch. Not just because everyone in it was so annoying and the worst stereotype of dot-com-Cali captured on screen, but because no man should ever punish himself to those extremes, especially a tomcat like the main character. It's one thing if one forgoes their sexuality for medical or religious reasons, or even decides to never-ever for enlightenment (like starvation), but swearing off sex... ?

The good thing was that they correctly categorized everything from masturbation to foreplay to orals as just plain sex, folks (aspiring Clintonites, take heed. If someone gets off, it's sex. Even that orchid-blowing-no-touching-thing. Besides, she faked it). In addition to the no-brainer concept of male sexuality and repression (I thought it hysterical and apt that he reverts to pre-adolescent obsessions like model planes and stickers) it also brought up misconceptions about the other half.

First off, women do have sex drives. Though some may parlay sex as a bargaining chip for some sort of power over men or see it as something they have to endure to satisfy their partners, some of us girls simply gotta have it and that's all. The only potential difference is that we've been brought up and built with the idea that there's got to be some connection forged outside of sweatin-and-grindin. Hence having standards.

And also, we don't always have to in-out to be happy. That's why we have one up on the fellas. Sometimes a simple sit-and-spin cycle is all it takes. Or some really good chocolate. We're blessed with 101 ways to orgasm that may involve any of the five senses, so men take heed. And with no hydraulics, we don't have to show - oops, there I just came right now and didn't even bat an eye. So there. Men need more obvious signs - that's where all the noise comes in...oh...keep...up....the....good...work! (emphasis on the UP, please).

So the long 40 would suck for anyone. As Father **** from the Boston archdiocese would way, "God gave us sex drives...and hands, after all... (rest edited out)"

Today's gem: It takes very little to get a man naked. All you have to do is ask...and count to 3. Men enjoy timing themselves (how fast this...how long this...you get the drift). Keep a stopwatch handy so he can record his at-bats.

Next week: Goo coo ca-choo...

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