To the best of my knowledge, he has never knowingly hurt anyone . He has the gift of being able to make people laugh. He cares deeply for those he loves. He can entertain a three year old or a thirty-nine year old with equal ease. He's accomplished many things in thirty-eight years.

He's also a deeply unhappy man. Past experiences have left deep scars. He has been free of a thirty-one year prescription drug habit for a year now, but it is a constant struggle. He is heavy -- though not disproportionately so. He has struggled for years to reduce his weight, with the usual yo-yo results -- down twenty pounds, up twenty-five, down twenty-five, up thirty . . .

He is convinced that he must weigh what he weighed when he was eighteen, though he was seriously underweight from illness at the time and had not finished growing. He puts off doing things until he loses this weight. He will be happy when he loses this weight. Once the weight is gone, the other demons that torment him will flee.

He's looking for the magic bullet.

Just what IS the "magic bullet"?

The term "magic bullet" is used to denote many things. It was coined by Dr. Paul Erlich, a German bacteriologist who theorized and proved that certain substances could act as "magic bullets", targeting disease-causing organisms in the body. A "magic bullet" was successful if it attacked the cause of disease while leaving the rest of the body unaffected. Dr. Erlich is best known for sucessfully snthesizing the drug Salvarsan in 1910, which was used against the organism causing syphilis. His theories and work led to the development of chemotherapy.

"Magic Bullet" has come to mean a panacea -- something that when applied or attained, makes everything in one's life "all right". Many people see attaining their "right" weight as a sort of magic bullet. They believe that when they attain their goal weight, all wil be right with the world -- they will no longer be unhappy or lonely. They will get a better job and be attractive to the opposite sex. They will "feel better about themselves" and have "better self esteem".

Unfortunately, this magic bullet notion applies to so many things. Some women believe if they have breast implants, they will have better self esteem, that they will be attractive to the opposite sex, that everything will be all right in their lives. Many people are sure that attaining a college degree will assure them of success and happiness. Other people fix their future happiness on procuring a certain house, car, or job. And how many people have a baby believing that it will be an assurance that they will never be lonely again, and that now there will always be someone to love them?

There are no magic bullets.

When we look at the paragraphs above, it does seem absurd, doesn't it? But I think it is part of human nature to want a quick fix -- and this natural tendency is fed by things we see and hear. Problems are solved within sixty minutes on a television drama, in ninety minutes if we're watching a movie. Books proliferate that sell "magic bullets" -- if you just follow this diet/exercise/lifestyle/belief system regimen, all will be well. If you wear this season's fashions, you will instantly be fetching, fashionable and attractive. Wash your hair with this shampoo and you'll make orgasmic sounds in airplane bathrooms, look like a supermodel and incite envy and a desire to be like you in all who see you (come on, you've seen the ad!).

I remember my younger brother at seven, diligently working his way through a box of breakfast cereal that he didn't particularly like, so he could reach the coveted prize on the bottom. The prize had been hawked for weeks on television as the keenest, coolest, ultimate possession any kid could have. The ads implied that you would be surrounded by hordes of admiring buddies if you only had this toy. You would be admired and loved if you had this toy; you would be "cool".

It was a breakfast cereal we never ate, and my brother, a finicky kid, didn't like it. It was purchased after much pleading, with the stipulation that he was to eat his way down to the prize, not just upend the box and leave the cereal uneaten. He agreed, and plowed his way through many bowls on many mornings, to reach the prize which would make him "cool".

He reached it. It was about a quarter of the size it looked on the ads. It was plastic, and had to be "snapped together". It didn't snap together very well . It didn't make him -- bespectacled and clumsy -- "cool". It was a gyp.

His comment? He looked up from the cheap little plastic trinket and sighed, "That's the way they trick kids!"

Funny story.

But not so funny when it strikes you the same way years later, after you attain a long sought after goal, a magic bullet that was going to make your life perfect when you got there -- yet that perfection remains elusive.

I thought I had found a magic bullet once -- you see, I once attained my "right weight", and well below it. Society's answer for all ills! Now I would be happy and successful and popular and attractive and . . .

Except I STILL had to wear "plus" sizes because I'm six feet tall and have an extra large frame! You would have to saw off portions of my pelvis to get me into pants smaller than a size sixteen. And I didn't look so good either. And I was sick, so terribly sick that I didn't even care that I had finally gotten down to a particular weight . When I sat down , my butt hurt from lack of padding. The bottoms of my feet hurt. I had dizzy spells and palpitations. And when I tried to return to a normal diet, the weight went right back on.

"That's the way they trick kids."

It took many more years for me to understand that the unhappiness in my life was not due to extra weight and that losing that weight would not make me happy. It's hard to give up the idea of the magic bullet. But sadly, there is more to it than a magic bullet. Thin people are not automatically happy. People who have babies are not automatically happy. People who buy houses are not automatically happy. No single aspect of your life is going to iron out all the other wrinkles that you might have!

There are books and videos and television programs out there that tell you otherwise. If you only buy and use this product, all will be well. Magic bullets for sale, guaranteed to cure all things that ail you! But remember this -- the folks that hawk them don't know you from Adam. Once your check clears or your credit card is accepted, that's the end of their concern with you. If their product/regimen/theory fails, YOU failed to follow it carefully enough. You can buy their next product, and try again.

"That's the way they trick kids."

I'm hoping that by visiting these pages, and following the links, you will begin to see your way toward inner peace and acceptance. Giving up the idea of a magic bullet is very, very difficult. After all, from our earliest days, the fairy godmother appears, the cavalry rides over the hill at the last minute, the antidote for the poison is found, the kiss of the handsome prince wakens the dead princess. "If you wish upon a star, your dreams come true."

Instead, it's just darn hard work. You'll need to fight inner demons and face memories that are painful. Some people will be unable to understand your decisions to love and accept yourself as you are now, and will try to "help" you. Fat bashing is still acceptable . The present ideal of the female body is a six foot tall, 110 pound supermodel with artificial breasts. The present ideal of the male body is a six foot four, 250 pound, steroid enhanced Hercules.

But this is for you. There is nothing more worth working and fighting for. Once you've found peace and acceptance within yourself, you can work and fight for others. No-one can do this for you, and "magic bullets" are something for fairy tales, like wishing on a star and waiting for the dreams to come true. But support is here -- and in many other places -- while you begin and continue your journey.

And as for my friend, whom I introduced earlier -- until the time that he, like you, will be able to consider looking at pages like this and begin to give up on finding the magic bullet , may the time pass quickly. For him, and for those of us who love him, and loving him, suffer with him.