Some problems are tough to solve, and only one man can answer them.  And those who are troubled...

Ask Mr. Manners.

Crack Attack
Dear Mr. Manners,

    My boss has a horrendous ass crack problem.  Every time he bends over, his pants slide down, and half of his ass shows.  We've tried be tactful about it, but he is completely oblivious.  What should we do?  Write him a letter, talk to his supervisor?  I'm at a complete lack of ideas.

Tired of his Ass.

Dear Tired,

    You've tied to talk to him, but he just won't listen.  Someone like that probably lives in his own fantasy world, an you have to broach the subject carefully to not cause it to come crashing down around him- and that's exactly what you have to do to him.  He won't learn a lesson if you don't shatter every single vestige of his reality, crush his ego, and utterly humiliate in every way, shape, and form imaginable.  He'll thank you for it later, after he is well medicated and out of the mental hospital.  First, video tape his ass hanging out, then play it over the security system when his boss, and a lot of other people are around- this should be a nice start.  Photograph his ass crack, and tape pictures on telephone poles in his neighborhood, super glue a blown up poster to his garage door.  If you have the time and money, make a web site called www.horrendousasscrack.com and advertise it where you work.  If this doesn't help with the problem, wait until there are a lot of people then yell at him, really loud.  Let him know how you feel, use visual aides, insult his family.  If you do it right, he'll have a break down on the spot and you'll get promoted.

Next-door Neighbor Blues
Dear Mr. Manners,

    My next-door neighbor is so bothersome.  She always comes over to my house when I have company.  I had a party for my Grandmother last week, and she just invited herself over and tried to steal the spotlight.  Anytime, day or night, she will call on the phone and gab for hours- I'm just too polite to say no.  And she is a gossip to boot.  How can I tell her tactfully that she is annoying?  Please help!

Annoyed by the Neighborhood Nuisance.

Dear Annoyed,

    She probably doesn't know that she is so annoying.  Most of the people that she ever did this to probably avoided her to get away from her noxious behavior.  Let her know that you appreciate her overtures of friendship with an aggressive campaign of stalking.  If she calls you at midnight, skulk outside her window at 2:30AM.  Leave her festive presents, put disemboweled rodents on her mailbox and decorate her car with the intestines.  Follow her to work and watch her all day, to the grocery store, post office, hair salon; when she turns around, try to hide, but not hard, you want her to know you're following her.  If you have kids, let them in on the fun too- make it a family project, the family that stalks together walks together.  Take blurry black and white photos of her and her family, and send her copies.   By this point she will probably move away, if she doesn't cut her brakes, break into her house steal her clothes and dress in them, try to change your look to match hers.  When she finally runs screaming and changes her name, keep tabs on her and every so often send her a reminder; a photo of her new house or maybe even one of her pets in a box.  I know it's a lot of work, but it's a lesson that she'll keep with her for life.

    If you have a question about modern etiquette for Mr. Manners, send it to the Septi-Verse at septy@geocities.com.
 

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