So many words for the broken heart
It's hard to see in a crimson love
So hard to breathe
Walk with me, and maybe
Night of light so soon become
Wild and free I could feel the sun
Your every wish will be done
They tell me...

He finished the paragraph, nodding to himself.

Placing the sheet of paper lower on his lap, slouching against the chair in the middle of the laundry room, Kevin closed his eyes and repeated the words he was trying hard to remember.

So many words for the broken heart
It's hard to see in a crimson love
So hard to breathe
Walk with me, and maybe
Night of light so soon become
Wild and free I could see the sun
Your every wish will be done
They tell me...

Kevin frowned for a moment. Something was wrong. Something, while saying the words, had felt wrong.

He lifted the page to his sight and reciting the words. It was then he realized he had been mistaken in a word. The third verse from the bottom. It was I could feel the sun, not see. Not see.

Kevin let out a long sigh in frustration. He had a little less than a week to get this done and still, he had about five other songs to memorized. And even the ones he had already crossed out as done, there were times he would get confused. He sighed again.

"I hate this," he whispered under his breath. He paused, and took in a deep breath. He wouldn't say that again.

And so, he recited the paragraph again.

Show me the meaning of being lonely
So many words for the broken heart
It's hard to see in a crimson love
So hard to breathe
Walk with me, and maybe
Nights of light so soon become
Wild and free I could feel the sun
Your every wish will be done
They tell me.

Kevin, finally, finished the song with no other disturbances in his memory. Wherever tomorrow would remember it or not, that was another matter. But, for now, he felt he had accomplished something.

There was a beep and, his eyes moving over to the machine, he thought for a second. Leigh had told him that after the clothes were done washing, it would beep so they would be taken over to the dryer. He could do that.

Standing up from his chair, more like hopping down, he walked over to where both electric appliances stood and squatted before them. Just as his hand reached the handle, he heard something in the back of the house.

"Yeah! I'm the king baby! I'm the king!"

"Oh, shut up Bone!"

Chuckling slightly at the part of conversation he would hear now and then, Kevin opened the washing machine. The guys were, as usual during the few times when they actually didn't have much to do, playing pool. So far, Kevin hadn't had the guts to ask the guys to teach him how that game was played. However, smiling slightly to himself, Kevin thought that maybe, once the tour began and he grasped something along the lines of normality, he would ask them.

Taking the clothes out and managing to place them over to the dryer, Kevin closed the lid before it. Leigh had been rather nice to him, letting him on this and that tip. How to do his laundry was one of them. After all, as Ariadne had nicely put it, they were alone for the during of their stay in Virginia.

"No bodyguards guys. And certainly no help."

She had looked directly at Nick and AJ when she had said that, but Kevin didn't understand why.

When the machine started and he saw, once again, his clothes in circular movements, he tried to recall what else he had been planning to practice.

"The hat routine," he mumbled, not really wishing to remember it. He could still see Fatima's angered and frustrated eyes as she stared as Kevin tripped over himself and drop the hat yesterday. He didn't need to force it to remember it. It just all came to him in one big wave of disappointment.

Standing in the couple of feet of free space in between the van and the appliances, Kevin tried to remember how they started. He couldn't remember the first step of All I have to give. He sighed. He'd start with If you stay, then.

He tried to remember.

"On our sides," Kevin said after a moment, "left shoulder to the crowd."

He did as Fatima had told him. Snap, bend knees; three times. 

He did a little turn, facing the crowd. The hat would be given in his hands, on the back. He didn't need the hat to practice. He would use it later on, probably after dinner while he shaped the last couple of steps in the back of his mind and privacy of his room.

He just moved his arms and body according to what he actually remembered. He did three, four steps before stopping. He couldn't remember the rest for a minute.

Kevin froze in his place, his mind going over and over again, but always getting stuck in the same place. After a minute, he was almost sure he had remembered: he had to lean over and pretend to brush his shoes, then his shoulders.

Doing the moves, Kevin walked over to his chair. Kevin sat, crossing his leg and nodding as he did so. This part was the only one he had never had any doubts about. He stood up once again, changing places with Howie.

When he sat down again, he took a minute to try and recall. He moved his shoulders and then paused. His memory ended there.

Kevin let out a long sigh, running his fingers over his growing hair and grasping it as their short length.

"Damn," he muttered under his breath. "Damn."

He couldn't seem to get it right. He never did. He never got every note right and he never got every step right.

In the back of his mind was this picture, this film, of himself doing the steps flawlessly, each move containing grace and sophistication. He could remember himself doing that in the TV screen as he had watched some of their presentations send by Ariadne. He could see his same face smiling at the camera, sweating, enjoying the dance and giving everything into it.

He could remember doing another, rather different routine, with chairs. He could remember seeing pink coats and leather. He could remember so much. And so little at the same time.

He sighed frustrated, snatching the sheet of paper he had laid on top of the washer and crumpled it in his hand, throwing it against the wall. It hit the wall hard, not making any sound and dropped by the side of the dryer.

Why couldn't he get the steps? Why couldn't he get the notes? What was it about him that he couldn't sing nor dance like he used to? Had everything, every single shred of normality, of instinct and nature erased from him? And if that was the case, was there hope in ever regaining it?

Kevin let himself fall onto the chair he had been occupying until very recently and pressed his closed fit against his eyes.

Sometimes it felt like he was fooling himself, like he knew he would never be the person he used to.

"Oh, come on! That wasn't your call!"

"It was a double, it doesn't count D."

Kevin sighed again. He stood up once again, getting in his position. He had seen himself in one of the videos, doing that very same step like he had been born doing it. He had seen his face enjoying the dance and the song. If he had done it once, if he had achieved that kind of control, then he could do it again.

He tried it again, only one thought going though his mind: he may have lost his memory, but he hadn't lost himself.

*****

He held the book tightly in his hands as he opened the French doors leading to the back yard. It was difficult for him to slid it down, but after a moment, he managed. He walked outside, his eyes focused on the thick forest. He continued walking, reaching the beginning of the same. He chose one of the tress, knowing that if he went deeper, he wouldn't have enough light to see. Sitting by a nice, tall thick old tree that still held some of the light from the bulbs outside the house, Kevin leaned against it.

Placing the book on his lap, he sighed. He only had two more days left here and so far, he hadn't had the time to explore it. He didn't know what was beyond the few trees he could see and he wanted to find out. Somehow, he felt like if he could see what was out there, he would be able to see what his life would be like.

He shook his head. He'd have time for that later. Kevin would make the time before he left. He opened the book slowly, crocking his head as he looked at it.

There were pictures of a dark haired boy with very intense green eyes and Kevin told himself that was him, the very same person only years older looking back at the picture.

There were so many pictures of him. Riding his back, riding a horse -- and Kevin couldn't seem to figure out how he did that --, singing in choir, a couple with a man with green eyes very similar to his and Kevin believed that was his father. There were others with a woman he thought as his mother and two older boys -- his brothers maybe.

Kevin could see himself, could see his body and face growing from just a little boy to the young man that had started in the group. He could recognize his face, the same face he had seen in many of the other set of pictures Brian had showed him -- group pictures.

Kevin sighed again, leaning against the tree. There was so much he would like to remember. He turned the pages back, staring at a picture of three boys and who he supposed were their parents. He tried to memorize his father's eyes and his mother's face, his brother's statures and guess their ages. He tried to see his family.

He passed the pages, getting to the last. There was a small Manila envelope. Kevin had found this among his clothes in his suitcase. He had been planning on taking a peek, but time had come short until now. He opened it, letting whatever was inside fall on his lap.

There were pictures. Not many, barely six or seven. He started going thought them. To his surprise, those were pictures of the guys. He was able to recognize Brian with him in one. There was this other with both Nick and him, arms around each other's shoulders, huge smiles on their faces. Kevin couldn't help but smile back at them. Those two looked so good, so happy. Sighing softly, Kevin wondered if he had always been happy in the past.

There was another one of Nick with AJ draped over his shoulder and it looked like AJ was trying to slap Nick on the butt. Kevin had to chuckle at that one. One was of the five of them in very weird looking clothes, leather kind of clothes, sitting in a couch, looking straight at the camera. Another with Howie all wet, AJ holding a hose in his hands. Finally, there was one of Nick alone, laying down on a small couch on his side, one arm under his head and the other along his long frame, his eyes closed. 

Kevin stared at this one for a minute, his head crocking to the side. Nick was sleeping in this one. He looked so peaceful, Kevin had to accept. Even in his sleep, Kevin could see a small smile on the blonde's slips. It was rather sweet. Was it new? He wasn't sure. Nick didn't look that different from the one he knew at the moment, but there was no way of being sure.

*****

Alex slid the door closed after Howie. He sighed softly, looking around the back yard.

"Do you think he heard us?"

Alex thought about it for a moment. Both him and Howie had been yelling after Kevin for a while now. Dinner was about to be served and they couldn't seem to find the oldest of the group. "I don't think so. If he had heard us, he would have answered, don't you think?"

Howie nodded. He looked outside. "It's dark."

"Of course it's dark, you dufus. You think he's gone exploring?"

Howie thought about it for a moment. "It's dark and I'm sure Kevin knows that if he goes exploring, he could get lost. Kevin has more sense than that."

Alex run his fingers through his hair, nodding as he did so. Kevin had had more sense than that. He just wasn't sure he now did as well.

"Kevin!"

Alex followed Howie into the back yard. He turned slightly around, something catching his eyes. Sitting by one of the tress, just a little out of sight, was Kevin. He nudged Howie, pointing towards where the older man sat.

Howie nodded. He was about to call out again, but realized there was something in his hands. "Pictures," he whispered.

AJ looked closer, seeing exactly what Howie had seen. Pictures on his lap. Light wasn't enough as to see which ones, but they were certainly pictures.

The two of them walked towards the older man. "Hey there," AJ said softly, not wanting to disturb him.

Kevin lifted his eyes, squinting a little. It took Kevin a moment to recognize the faces. "Hey," he said, closing the book.

"What are you watching?"

Kevin followed Howie's eyes as they landed on the pictures on his lap. "Just pictures Ariadne brought me."

AJ walked over, squatting in front of his friend and taking the book in his hands. He opened it slowly and recognize the old pictures of Kevin as a child. He went through some of the pages, not seeing a couple of lonely ones held in between two pages almost at the end. 

He stared at one of Kevin on his horse. Ivory was her name. She was so very distinctive. All black with very pretty eyes. "You used to ride when you were young," Alex stated out of the blue, his eyes still on the picture. "You still do when you get the time. Ivory, your horse, she died a couple of years ago. You've got Minerva now."

"She's in a stable back in Florida." Howie said, nodding. "She's very pretty."

Kevin nodded at the statements. He had guessed that, but it was always better to hear it from a friend. Kevin took the book from AJ's hand, going over to a page in particular where the five he believed his family was stood. "This is them."

It was more of a statement than a question, but Alex still nodded. "Yeah." He paused for a second. He didn't want to turn around and see Howie's sad eyes. He wouldn't let himself think about what had been decided what seemed like ages ago. They had made a decision and they were going to stuck by it -- no matter what. "You've got your father's eyes."

Howie watched Kevin leaning over, green eyes staring at very similar jade ones and sighed. He couldn't do this. Not now and probably not ever. "Dinner is ready," Howie said suddenly, his voice cracking. The only one who noticed was Alex, whose face scrunched up in seriousness, not needing words to reprimand Howie's weakness for the subject.

Kevin nodded, standing up as he did so. "Oh. Yeah, I forgot." He closed the book tightly, holding it in his hand as he turned around. He took a couple of steps before opening it slightly, seeing the single pictures along with the Manila folder still in between two pages of the book. The corner of his lip twitched upwards slightly, a mixture of a grin and a frown.

Alex's eyes followed Kevin's back, then went over to Howie. He wanted to say something, but stopped himself before doing so. He wasn't in the mood for talking about it. Howie had been rather sensitive about the lies and deception -- as Howie so dramatically put it -- and another conversation would probably not change anything. He only shook his head as he caught up with Kevin.

Howie sighed softly, following the two into the house and the dinning room. Nick was sitting in his place at the table as Brian placed the last plate on it. The oldest of the pair was frowning deeply.

"About time you three came back," Brian said rather frustrated.

Anyone would have thought Brian was angry, which he almost was, but Nick only smiled. It was always fun to see Brian frustrated. It was so rare, that the few occasions he could, he enjoyed it the most. 

"It's like you don't wanna eat my cooking."

Alex chuckled at Brian's words. "Oh, Bri, don't be such a wuss. We just went for Kevin."

The oldest of them all just sat the table by Nick's side, placing the book in front of his plate. He didn't say anything.

Brian shook his head. "If the food it's cold, it's your own fault and I ain't warming them up." Being just the five of them now, he had been waiting for his older cousin -- who had gone AWOL -- and his two friends to begin dinner. Next time, he wouldn't wait for them... okay, so maybe he would.

Howie had to laughed at Brian's words. "Taking Kevin's position as mother hen, aren't you Brian?"

Glaring at his older friend, Brian just took a bite of his pasta. It was the easiest and almost the quickest thing to get together. The only thing quicker -- which didn't need much culinary knowledge either -- was tuna with rice and potatoes. "Oh, shut up!"

"What's this?" Nick asked as he realized the dark book by Kevin's plate.

Kevin bit the pasta in his fork, swallowing some of it before answering. "Photos," still, when he spoke, it was obvious his mouth was full, at which Alex chuckled. AJ could remember how many times Kevin had gotten in his case about that exact thing, telling the younger man it was not polite to talk with your mouth full.

Nick frowned slightly as he pulled it over by his side, opening it and almost gasping when he saw pictures of a young Kevin grinning at the camera. Nick's heart soared. He smiled slightly, nodding. He had seen this book before. Kevin had showed it to him a couple of years ago. He could remember the pictures, even recognize some of them. "This was taken at Christmas," Nick said, pointing to a picture in particular. "You were six. And this small guy here barely walking, that's Brian at two."

"Give me that!" Brian took the book from Nick's hand, turning it around and watching the picture with wide eyes. Nick was right. Kevin's mom had taken it. Aunt Ann had thought it was very sweet the way Kevin was down at Brian, his small hand gripping Kevin's one tightly as the older man helped him to walk. He smiled. "That Christmas was a lot of fun. We played on the snow and Jerald got a cold because he stayed out there too long."

"Jerald?"

Brian nodded sadly, congratulating himself silently for not flinching at the question. "Yeah, your oldest brother."

After frowning for a second, Kevin took another bite of the pasta as he nodded. His brother. He should remember his name.

"Oh, Ivory," Brian said softly. He could remember the grand horse and Kevin's devotion for her. The older man had been sad for a long time after her death. "She was so nice. Even I could ride on her, and that's saying a lot. She was always so peaceful."

Nick chuckled as he remembered something from their mutual past. "Yeah, I remember her. She was the only one who didn't throw you onto the grass, right?"

The younger Kentucky cousin glared at his blonde friend. "Shut up Nick. You're just as bad riding as I am."

"No he's not. Even Zeus got along with him," Alex said with a grin on his lips. "He hated you, remember?"

Brian didn't say anything, just continued eating as Kevin frowned. "Who's Zeus?"

"He's Tim's horse. He was always rather temperamental, but to my surprise I got along with him. But Brian didn't, which actually didn't surprise Tim in the slightest."

"Eat Nick. It might be your last meal."

"You're just jealous because I can ride better than you."

"Now Nick, don't go that far," Howie said, his eyes twinkling as he smiled. "The best you could do was sit on him with Kevin pulling his reins, so don't sell yourself so high. I've seen kids doing the same."

"You can't even get on him."

Howie shrugged at Nick's accusations. "So, I don't like riding; I don't have to pretend to. You, on the other hand, always tried to learn how to." He frowned for a second. "Never really understood why, though."

Suddenly, Nick looked down at his plate, not wanting to talk about it anymore. The only one who noticed his change in manner was Alex, but he didn't say anything.

"Was I good?"

The questions surprised Brian, who turned to look at his cousin. "Good? Riding?" Brian waited long enough for Kevin to answer his own question before nodding, a small smile on his lips as he remember Kevin going through the fields back in Kentucky. "You were great. You could ride any horse. You ever rode one without the saddle. It was amazing." Brian let out a soft sigh. "You could learn once again, if you want to. It's so much in you, I think you'd learn pretty quickly. You were amazing Kevin. You could ride again."

Kevin nodded, thinking about it carefully. He could, if he tried. He was already learning the dance steps -- sure, it was hard for him, but he was learning nonetheless. "I could give it a try, right?"

"Of course," Alex said, encouragingly. "If you don't like it, you quit. But you could try it out."