Does it warm
Your cold heart
on 
cold
winter’s
nights?

Does it give
Sufficient reason
To channel
Your anger
Your hatred
For the silent
Disease
That eats at 
Your [beautiful] body?

Do my words
Once thought
So beautiful
Leave the distaste
Of LIES, of now
Meaninglessly
Strung words…
Only words?

Do you have
Any IDEA
Of the 
PAIN
You have brought
Into my life?
…Sure, I know
there are
SO MANY WAYS,
REAL WAYS,
Real reasons
For the way
You turned
Your back
On me

You threw me
To the dogs
Into the streets
(WHY COULDN’T
YOU JUST “KILL ME NOW,”
WHEN I WAS HAPPY,
WHEN I WAS IN LOVE???)

Why, (oh why?)
And HOW
Could you
HATE ME SO
That you could
Break your promise
To me
(as I’d broken promises
to you, so many times
before…)
that you’d
turn off
the love
and the nurturing
that YOU’D PROMISED ME!!!

Did my
Being human,
And making mistakes
Make you stop
Loving me?
Did I slowly
KILL
The love
You once had?

Did it NOT
Still matter
That the love
Burned BRIGHTLY
IN MY EYES??

Did it not matter
That I felt
GUILT
That I felt
WRONG
That I felt
SORRY
When I’d said
Things in anger,
Things without
Thought,
Things 
I might have meant
At the time,
But only for a moment?

Was it that I 
Felt these things
And did these things
That killed your
Love for me?

(Was it ME
that killed
your love for me?)







The words slip from my tongue, as if a purge, 
as if my very soul has broken loose a Pandora’s Box 
I’ve TRIED to keep closed these many long months.  
I have moved on with my life.  At times, 
I am actually happy, but more, too many more than that, 
I am consumed, and broken…so completely broken it’s as if 
the pieces are too tiny shards to even attempt to pick up 
and try to puzzle back together…and I often wonder if 
I even want to??? Why should I bother?

Yes, I have my regrets….so very many regrets
…so many tiny moments that I can freeze in time, 
where I wish I’d done or said something different 
than what spilled from my lips…so many times…I was wrong…
I was HUMAN…but did I really deserve the lifelong punishment 
I’ve been dealt…(and do you?)

Yet I’d thought…I was so sure…that your love was 
as deep as mine…as endless as the seas…as forgiving 
as the gods…perhaps I put you on that pedestal 
you so hated, thinking you capable of somehow more…
again, my mistake.

In retrospect, I can see how my actions, my words, 
never really did express the depth of the love 
I felt FOR YOU, for the person YOU are, and for the PEACE,
the serenity, the true gift you had given me 
at the Wood Ranch…how your presence, the fun we had, 
made my heart feel light….how it all felt so fucking RIGHT!  

But depression, true, severe depression, my love of my life, 
is a cruel companion.  It can squeeze the joy, the very life 
from your soul.  I wondered today if it were physically 
possible to simply lay back and quietly let it consume you.  
I’m convinced it can…the path is now within my sights.  
I recognize it, as I have been at this crossroads oh so 
many years before…First you withdraw from all around you
…stay in your room….talk less and less….watch the patterns 
of the leaves as they dance across the wall as the sun 
moves across the sky….day after day…until that’s all you can see….
you begin to eat less…open the door less…make the motions less…

Even love, true love, is doomed to die in the wake of 
this evil beast, depression.  Oh, if only I had KNOWN 
that my doctors were supposed to watch my meds strictly
…changing them within a few WEEKS rather than YEARS 
if there wasn’t an immediate and noticeable improvement!!!  
If only I had KNOWN that maybe there IS a pill for this….
even if it were only the branch I needed to help me pull 
myself from the quicksand that was so quickly engulfing 
my life, my relationships…I never TRIED to fight 
the demons, that would grab me from within to haunt me….
I never knew I could LEARN to FIGHT!.

I know…
You couldn’t have known
That my own FAMILY
My fucking BLOOD
Would find me
So utterly depressing
So totally down
That they wouldn’t
Want me around
My own grand-children…
(…and yet, a part of me still wondered if you might not 
get some perverse sense of rightness in that, too…
in losing ALL that meant anything in the world to me
…and then there was your banning me from remaining 
in contact with my beautiful girl….who in time 
had come to mean as much to me as my own daughter 
had so many years ago…and I’ve TRIED…gawd, 
how I have tried, even while I KNOW she thinks 
I’ve simply forgotten her…)

In truth, of course,
we all know
The Condition 
from which I suffer

For there is no doubt,
that it is that of a 
broken heart,
for which there is 
no medicine,
no cure

The death,
Is slow,
and painful.
It silently lives,
in your heart,
like a cancer.
Like some
Alien life-force;
A parasite
From within
Feeding on 
Your very soul.

And
When you have
Yourself
Have brought on
All the pain
And your actions
Can never
Be forgiven
The pain
Is simply
More
Than anyone
Should be
Forced
To bear…
It is truly
A sentence
Worse
Than death.

Quietly Choking

It is as if a rug 
is suddenly pulled out 
from beneath my feet

All of a sudden 
it becomes difficult 
to breathe
As if a rope is tied 
around my neck
As if my muscles are 
constricting
Breaths are 
short and timid
As if my body itself
Is attempting to die
To close itself

How is it
That your voice
Your mere Name
Could elicit such response?

How is it...
...that a sunny day 
of smiles and laughter
Could TURN 
as if someone 
turned off the lights?
Sea, 6/02



A [copy of a] letter to (((((((Ron))))))...
subject:  ain't nothin like it...
...a fool in love...gawd, how crazy is it to say
 it was wonderful to hear your voice today???  
How crazy is it to say 
I wish I could hear the words in my ear, 
your breath tickling me as you speak
...your warmth touching me...

I figure since you've got my email blocked 
that it's a great opportunity to pour my heart out 
to you and the world at large, cause I'm assured 
that nobody will ever see my words.

WTF is wrong with me that I can still love you 
after all this?  What kind of fucking 
masochistic fool am I?  
I really DID call this weekend 
to beg you to take me back without the paycheck...
How crazy is that? Why don't I just go 
lay out in the middle of the 405 instead? 
I told *Him I was gonna call you 
and went out behind the garage 
into my little space between the walls...
a half hour later when Billy found me 
I was rolled in a little ball hysterical crying.  
Why is it that you have put me in that position 
more than any other???  Why do you just continue 
to smash my heart in little pieces?

Why couldn't you just have brought me back to CT 
to WORK and not try the rest over?  I KNOW your heart 
wasn't in it!  I mourned the loss of you for SO LONG 
the first time...I couldn't wait to be back in CT 
where I belonged!  And when I got there, your arms 
weren't even waiting for me!  You didn't even seem 
happy to have me there - It was just back to 
business as usual at the Wood Ranch.  
Sure, it felt good to have that much, 
but I WANTED YOUR HEART!  I needed the love, the warmth.  
And all I ever felt that was you wanted me there 
cause I was a better choice than Lindsay as a PCA.  
Somebody said something to me after the first week 
about us still being in the newlywed stage 
and I was so sad, cause we hever even had that...

I failed you in so many ways I can barely count them.  
But the fact is that if you'd really loved me you 
could forgive me; it'd be in your heart to still want 
us together.  But instead you hate me.  You TRY to hurt me.  
But I KNOW I loved you enough...and I KNOW I make a lot 
of mistakes and I'm an emotional mess and hell to try to 
live with, but it would seem if you cared at all 
you'd want to be at my side helping me, like I want 
to be there for you...
You know, like in the Springsteen song!

I have called you so many times just to try 
to say I WAS SORRY!!! I LOVED your comfy blanky!  
I just wanted to maybe hide it underneath a prettier 
one during the day...I don't know...it's a woman thing!  
I'm so so sorry! It turned out to be like the plates 
last time, didn't it?  Just one of those THINGS 
where we both just got stubborn.  And I KNOW how 
I took over your life and your home and 
changed things and I thought I was making them better 
and prettier...I tried so hard to make things the best 
I could and I ended up just fucking them up every time.  
I wanted to give you and the kids all I had to give...
and all I had was money.  And I NEVER usually have money 
so I was so happy to be able to spend some on all of you!

Things between *he and I are so easy.  
We laugh a lot and have fun.  
He can always pull me out of a sad thought.  
We never argue.  

But maybe that 'perfect' life is not what I feel is meant for me...?  
What if I felt you were?  Even WITH life a little harder 
and more challenging.  
DAMMIT, ((((((((((((Ron)))))))))))), 
maybe I just think WE'RE worth it!  
And maybe I know I wish we could talk about things more 
with each other and we never do, but maybe it's WORTH IT 
to have to work a little for something worthwhile?  
And maybe I was a fool to break down and give up 
and come back here instead of 'fighting'...but I did...
and I can't undo it.  I did something rash and I gave up...
I gave up on us...and I shouldn't have!  
I really HAD hoped that up until that last moment 
I was supposed to leave at the end of the summer
 that you would have done SOMETHING...
given me some little tiny CLUE that you wanted me with you.....
but instead you've done all you could to try to cause me pain...
and I don't understand anyone's ability to do something like 
that to ANYONE intentionally...and I guess I'm rambling 
and at the end of my rope because there is nothing left 
for me to plea and nothing left for me to say.  
I have said it all and it hasn't made a difference.

just know, you are the love of my life, and be happy,
randall-rose
7/29/02, 12:12pm


*I'm posting a copy of this on my web page for you...
maybe you'll go there someday?  I am so sorry.  
I will always miss you in my life...
Not a day will go bye that I won't wish I were happily with you. 
Why wouldn't things ever go the way we'd hoped they would???

View the old Log



Fall, 2001

All written materials on this page are SeaDreamz/randall-rose, c2001, c2002. Please get written permission before copying.