…… Salty and Barnacle were plotting in the far corner of Willy’s Bar. Whenever Salty and Barny plotted something, it always meant shameless humiliation of some unsuspecting third party. It was early in the morning, which meant the Bar was relatively empty. Willy was mixing a Pineapple Willy for Howie at the wet bar and Chief and Bright Eyes had apparently spent the night there. They were sleeping soundly, their heads resting on a tabletop along with 24 empty cans of Mountain Dew, a bag of Doritos, a half-eaten Star Crunch and a bottle of Malibu rum. Salty sighed and shook his head. Good rum gone to waste!
…… Barny sighed and shook his head. Good Star Crunch gone to waste! Any fool knew that Star Crunchies and Mountain Dew didn’t mix.
…… The two ocean boys climbed down the steps to the Waterway and took the raft to shore. There was a big ugly tree on the beach now. There was a big damn mess on the beach, too, that some of the unluckier members of the police department were busily taking care of. They scurried around like little rats, trying to clean up the funk before the violent Florida sun rose high enough to make manual labor a foreign concept. It was already a foreign concept to most of them, which was why Quarty had them cleaning up the beach. Salty and Barny meandered up to the captain of the police, who was sleeping on a lounge chair in the sand. A cucumber slice was strategically placed over each eye.
…… “Hey Q-ball,” Salty growled.
…… “Nnnnnn,” Quarty slurred happily.
…… Salty kicked him. “Quarty!”
…… The captain of police lifted one cucumber slice to look at them, irked. “What do you losers want? Can’t you see I’m working?” He replaced the cuke and settled back into the chair.
…… “Right,” Barny cooed. “And Royal Blue only donated her eggs.”
…… Quarty uncrossed his legs and kicked Barny in the knee. The pirate tumbled over backwards and landed in a hole. Tex immediately shoveled sand on him.
…… “We’re going sailing,” Salty said as Quarty sat up and stretched. He placed his cucumber slices neatly aside and they were immediately eaten by a little land dwelling killer whale. Quarty didn’t seem to notice.
…… “You too?” Quarty looked amazed. “Gee, Mother would be so proud.”
…… Salty snarled at him as he began to giggle. He giggled and giggled and giggled. When he was done giggling, he wiped his eyes and said: “So what’s the plan?”
…… “What plan?”
…… Quarty gave his brother a wry glance. “I don’t care if you get lost at sea with Barny, and you know I don’t care, so you must have something delightfully wicked up that grungy sleeve of yours.” Quarty took a whiff of that grungy sleeve and grimaced. “You know, Salt, Tide leaves your whites whiter and your brights brighter.”
…… “So does burning them in kerosene and buying new clothes.” Salty examined his fingernails and considered getting a manicure. “We’re taking Troy.”
…… Quarty yelped and flipped backwards over the lawn chair and into the sand. Salty looked impressed. “MY Troy?” he squealed. “My gay little bastard Troy who won’t ride a merry-go-round because it might mess up his hair?!”
…… Salty nodded. “Yep that’s him.”
…… Quarty stared at him. “Do you really think it’s a good idea to have a young gay man on a pirate ship?”
…… “Sure,” Salty said nonchalantly. “We plan to make a man out of him.”
…… For once in his immoral life, Quarty was speechless. Then he started laughing. He toppled over sideways and laughed so hard that all the police on the beach thought he was going to explode. They all glanced at each other, threw down their shovels and ran away. Salty had to give him several good kicks in the thigh to make him stop.
…… “I take it you like the idea,” Salty said blandly down to his big brother, who was gasping for breath on the ground.
…… “Oh, good luck!” Quarty squealed, and started rolling through the sand, laughing his ass off. Salty lit a cigarette and watched as Barny dug himself out of four or five feet of sand.
…… “Come on, you sandy little butthole,” Salty said pleasantly, puffing on his cigarette and blowing a hazy grey cloud of death into Barny’s face. “Let’s go find the gay boy.”


…… Troy was in the Mansion. He was eating a breakfast of ham and egg croissants with his girlfriend Cassidy and his baby fakie Natasha. Cassidy was a neon pink rock star with perfectly crimped yellow hair. Natasha was a neon pink fakie with a Russian accent. There was something suspicious about the entire scene. It just wasn’t right.
…… Natasha was standing on top of a killer whale. Norman, Willy’s brother (who looks just like Willy, except he’s ugly!) didn’t seem to mind the little pink fakie competing for space with his brain.
…… “Squirrel-moose!” Natasha shouted at Norman, in a thick Russian accent. “There an ugly man looking at me!”
…… Norman’s eyes shifted. “Oh that’s just Salty,” Norman assured her.
…… “He look ugly!” Natasha insisted. “Ugly like you!”
…… Norman beamed with pleasure. “Thank you!”
…… “Ugly!” Natasha shrieked.
…… Troy looked embarrassed. “Hi Uncle Salty, hi Barny,” he greeted them miserably, and offered them a croissant. “Hungry?”
…… “I’d rather eat your heart,” Salty grumbled.
…… Troy stared at them. Salty and Barny stared at Troy, their faces alert with various notions of mischief. “Um…” Troy forced a stupid, weak smile. “Can I help you guys?”
…… “Grab ‘em,” Barny said, and Salty launched himself over the breakfast table. Barny bounced off a chair and pounced, and the three ponies went rolling across the floor. Cassidy lifted her orange juice off the table as it crashed to the floor, spilling ham and egg croissants all over the floor. Norman made good on the opportunity and slapped a couple up with his tongue. His sadistic bimbo Natasha pounded on his head and squealed.
…… “Hey watch the blowhole,” Norman said.
…… Salty got Troy in a headlock, with one arm pinned behind his back. Barny was sitting on his legs. The little fairy was stronger than he looked!
…… “Cripes! What do you nutjobs freakin want?” the football star squealed.
…… “Well, we don’t want a nutjob, that’s for sure,” Barny smirked.
…… “At least not from you,” Salty clarified. “Although I’m sure you could provide us with references.”
……“AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!” Troy squealed. “Dammit why do you think I’m gay?!”
…… Salty snorted. “Look at you.”
…… With Norman’s help, the sailor and pirate managed to get Troy tied up pretty securely with one of 4speed’s expensive Moroccan rugs. They dragged him down the steps of the mansion, through some shallow water, and across the beach, lodging sand in places sand should never see. They eventually had a little parade of killer whales and newborns following behind them, who, much to Troy's chagrin, began to sing. Sweet little voices crooned some obscure Bloodhound Gang melody, that Troy didn’t find particularly soothing.
…… They tossed him into the little white rowboat waiting on the beach and climbed in. Barny grabbed the oars as the baby ponies pushed them out of shallow water, and rowed away as they waved farewell. Little whales swam along side the rowboat, chattering happily and occasionally doing “Free Willies” clear over their heads.
…… Barny’s pirate ship loomed in the darker waters offshore. The impressive nautical vessel was manned by a crew of mutinous dogs, grimy little midget humans that made Troy nervous as they hung off the rigging and yelled down at them with incomprehensible grunts and bellows. Salty and Barny heaved their bundle onto the ship. The knot came loose and Troy flopped out onto the deck, to find himself surrounded by the grotesque looking creatures. Beady little eyes peered down at him through the masses of thick, matted fur that covered their faces. Their short, pudgy bodies were emblazoned with vulgar body piercings and tattoos. Their primitive clothing was bedecked with miniature swords and snub-nosed muskets. The young football hero looked ready to pee himself.
…… “Say hi to Troy, boys!” Barny crowed as he leapt onto deck.
…… “Hi, Troy!” the little pirates chorused gleefully.
…… “Want us to draw and quarter him, and fire his remains from the cannon?” one pirate asked hopefully.
…… “Or make him walk the plank into a nest of electric eels?” another suggested happily.
…… “Or make him swab the deck with his tongue?” another begged enthusiastically.
…… “No, worse,” Salty said blandly, leaning back against the rail and giving his cigarette a nonchalant puff.
…… “We are going to make a MAN out of him!” Barny announced grandly, inserting his captain’s hat neatly on his head. His crew exploded into ecstatic cheers and began firing musket shots out over the water.
…… “Cripes!” Troy squealed.
…… “Howie!” squealed a voice in reply. A sudden eerie silence fell over the ship as they tried to figure out where the fishy-sounding voice was coming from. Salty glanced back over his shoulder and down the flank of the ship, where the rope ladder hung down to the water. The fat little land dwelling killer whale was waiting patiently in the waves, his large eyes staring up at the sailor innocently. The rest of the crew came to look at what Salty was looking at, so that the boat tipped slightly to one side. Troy was turning a marvelous shade of pistachio green.
…… “Howdy Howie!” Barny greeted the little whale. “You want to join our adventure?”
…… Howie considered it. “Do you have cable?”
…… “No,” Barny frowned.
…… “We have dancing pirates,” Salty said.
…… Howie considered it. “Okay.” He clamped his mouth over the lowest rung of the rope ladder and held on for dear life as Salty hoisted him onboard. The old sailor cradled the little whale in his arms, then let him flop onto the deck. Howie landed with a marvelous sound like a thud intermixed with a curious squishing sound and let his tongue roll out onto the deck. The ship’s cook thought he was dead and dragged him to the kitchen below deck.
…… “Ok you smelly pathetic bunch of sea rats!” Barny shouted affectionately. “Let’s get this tub of junk moving!”
…… Ugly little pirates swarmed across the deck and into the rigging. Three or four of them cranked the huge iron anchor back on board while others released the sails and secured the rigging. White cloth fluttered down through the early morning air, and as it was secured, it caught the wind and billowed out smooth. Quacker County began to race away behind them.
…… Troy began to panic. “No, no!! I’m not a sailor!” he shrieked. “I don’t like boats! Boats make me sea sick!!”
…… Salty grinned. Barny, who was standing at the wheel, grinned. Barny spun the wheel like a roulette table and his ship banked hard port, sliding everyone into the rail and skimming the sails on the waves. The ship did a full circle before the pirate captain straightened their course again. Everyone rolled back into place. Troy picked himself up, brushed off his jersey and, with all the dignity he could muster, puked over the side. Salty stood beside him mildly as the green-faced pony hung on for dear life. “Looks like a croissant,” the sailor noted.
…… Troy groaned. “Oh screw you.”
…… “Sorry to disappoint you, my boy!” Barny shouted down at him grandly, as wind whipped through his bright orange hair. “There will be none of that on my ship!!”
…… Two of the ugly little pirates looked at each other, mortified, then jumped off into the water.
…… “Men overboard!!” came the cry from the crow’s nest.
…… Barny looked confused. “That happens every time I say that,” he mused, scratching under his eyepatch. “I need to quit before I lose my whole crew.”
…… “Aren't you going to go back and save them?” Troy wondered as he watched them sink beneath the waves. Barny waved the question off, disinterested.
…… “Nah. If they’re dumb enough to jump, they deserve to drown.”
…… Troy looked mortified. The rest of the pirates began to sing.

…….…… Yo-ho, yo-ho, a pirate’s wife for me!
……….… A kick in the ass, a roll in the grass,
……….… A ship out on the
……………..… Yo-ho yo-ho, a pirate’s wife for me!

…… “Dammit sing something else!” Barny shouted.
…… There was collective whispering before the little men started singing again.

…….…… Doh, a beer, I need a beer!
……….… Ray, I think I need a beer!

…… “Graaaaaaaaar!!” Salty roared at them, and the little men rapidly dispersed.

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