……Quarty and Mac were building a sand castle. Or, rather, a sand fortress of some sort. The sand was delightfully soft and moist from the recent beach explosion, which made for wonderful molding. A moat circled the structure, and instead of alligators, it was filled with three rather vicious looking killer whales. As Gammy, Spammy, and Jammy kept vigil, Mac and Quarty carved out the inside. The walls were tall enough to conceal them and their arsenal of water buckets and super soakers, and the only way to get inside was to leap over the wall, or, ideally, to crawl through six feet of tunnel they had dug beneath the ground. The killer whales had decorated the outside with seashells and six pack rings.
……"Quarty?" Royal Blue called from somewhere beyond the moat. "Sweetie, Slugger wants a word with you!"
……Quarty poked his finger through the wall and peered through the new spy hole. The lawyer was standing impatiently next to his pretty wife. Quarty made the hole a little bigger, picked up a super soaker and gave the lawyer a wicked ice water trail across his dress shirt.
……"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!" Slugger squealed, dancing across the sand. Royal Blue watched him curiously.
……"There'll be no consorting with the enemy!!" Mac shrieked from behind the wall.
……"Come on, sweetie, it's just Slugger," Royal Blue said reasonably.
……"Is he going to enforce zoning restrictions on us?" Quarty asked suspiciously.
……Royal Blue looked thoughtful. "I don't think so."
……Slugger came back warily, his shirt hanging open to dry. "It's about Troy!"
……"Troy?" Quarty scoffed, unscrewing the tank of his squirt gun and taking a sip. "What do you want to talk about that pansy for?"
……"You noticed he was gone, right?" Slugger snapped, doubting it. Quarty didn't have a real keen grasp on the act if parenthood. There was an expected amount of apathy that came with raising herds of whiny little babies, but Quarty took apathy to a whole new ball park.
……"Of course," Quarty answered from somewhere inside the massive sand structure. "Haven't you noticed how gay it hasn't been around here?"
……Slugger frowned, and his eyes shifted, then he said: "He's been gone for a while, and Barny and Salty seem to have disappeared as well!"
……"Really?" Quarty said.
……"And Barny's rickety old pirate boat is gone. I think they took Troy with them!" Slugger made that statement as if it was something a little less than maddeningly obvious.
……"Methinks he just had an epiphany," Mac giggled, and hurled a chunk of wet sand blindly up and over the wall. It landed on Slugger's right eye.
……"Nice shot," Quarty said proudly.
……Slugger swiped the sand away and shouted: "There are rumors that they are attempting to make a man out of him!"
……"I know I thought it was stupid too," Quarty agreed.
……"No!" Slugger shrieked. "That's kidnapping! And exploitation!" He shook a fist at the structure irately.
……"But we exploit Troy all the time," Royal Blue said reasonably.
……"And it's not kidnapping if we give them permission," Quarty added.
……"He shouldn't be discriminated against because of his sexual preference," Slugger insisted indignantly. "Any attempt to influence his way of life against his will is against his god given right to be an individual!"
……"Yeah but it's not illegal," Quarty pointed out. "God didn't write the constitution." He peered through the spy hole. "Spammy!" he shouted.
……Spammy leapt up in front of the hole and saluted, snarling viciously.
……"Bite Slugger for me," Quarty said, and settled back comfortably into the sand as Slugger shrieked and ran out of earshot.
……"How long will it take Uncle Salty and Barny to make a man out of Troy?" Mac wondered, slipping on his Ray-Bans and pulling a frosty Mountain Dew out of a cooler half buried in sand.
……"Probably about a day and a half," Quarty said.
……"Really?" Mac looked at him curiously over his shades.
……"No," Quarty said. "Not really."




……Salty, Troy, Howie and Evil Dead Pony were playing go-fish on deck while Barny danced happily around his posh new pirate vessel. His grimy little midget pirate minions fired their muskets with new enthusiasm, until Troy expressed his irritation and the demon girl turned all the muskets into squirt guns. At that point, all Barny's little pirate minions promptly began a water fight that left Troy wetter than a whale spit bath. That gave EDP the idea for the new game they were playing: Strip-Fish.
……"Land Ho!!" Smelly called from the crow's nest. How they got from the ocean back to the Lake was a phenomenon that bypassed Troy. How he ended up in nothing but his boxer shorts was less of a mystery.
……They left their card game and meandered up to the rail as the hazy coast of Quacker County grew in front of them. Neo-Dream Valley was a smudge of brownish green off the port bow.
……"Think they'll be happy to see us?" Salty wondered blandly, taking a swig from his bottle. EDP eyed it curiously.
……"No," Barny sighed sadly, and pointed at Troy. "We failed!"
……Barny and Salty sighed. Troy looked mad. "Dammit!" he shouted. "What do I have to do to prove I'm a man?!"
……"You don't have to prove it to me," EDP grinned silkily. "I know you're a man." She draped her arms around a happy looking Troy. Salty snorted and took a swig from his bottle. EDP adeptly snatched it out of his hand and took a sniff.
……"Hey!" the sailor shouted.
……The demon grinned and took a sip. Her expression changed. She frowned and looked at it funny, then handed it back to Salty. It didn't look like she wanted any more of it.
……The creepy little midgets set down anchor and lowered the dingy full of ponies and one slippery little whale into the rolling waves of the Lake. Howie peeked out from Troy's arms and gave a wet tongue salute to Leroy, who was peering down at them over the rail. Leroy swung his butcher knife, and the dingy full of ponies slapped into the water and tipped over.




……Steamer was sitting on the beach with Chief, and they were playing a game of Tiddly Winks. She got tired of it and ran away, so they ended up coloring in colorbooks that Bright Eyes brought them out. The three of them were defacing the Teletubbies when Bright Eyes happened to glance out over the lake.
……"Uncle Salty's back!" she squealed happily.
……"You know," Steamer said, adding something extra to Tinky Winky for him to color, "You're probably the only one who gets excited about that."
……Chief was curious too, and stood up with Bright Eyes to watch the little white boat row in. Barny always seemed to bring back something illegal, unethical, or fattening. "Hey," he said, shielding his eyes and staring out at the impressive ship looming off shore. "Is that Barny's old tub?"
……"Uh oh," Steamer sighed. "They must have boarded a merchant vessel again."
……"Hey," Chief said, frowning. "Who the hell'd they bring with them?"
……Howie leapt out of the boat and zipped through the water, squealing at the top of his lungs. He flung out of the water and toppled Chief over backwards.
……"Howdy, Howie!" Chief said as Howie slapped him with his fins. The little whale maneuvered across his entire body surface area gleefully. Suddenly Howie noticed the sand fortress.
……"SAND FORTRESS!!" Howie screamed, and zipped across the beach. Sand flung up behind him like a vapor trail, and Mac and Quarty popped their heads above the wall.
……"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!" They squealed and ducked as the little whale rocketed straight through their fortress. Sand flew in all directions, and little killer whales flocked to the site to roll through the wreckage.
……Quarty emerged from the sand and pulled his favorite child out by the tail, picked sand from his teeth, and pounced on Howie as the little whale pranced by. They went rolling across the beach.
……Troy helped the fancy pony out onto the beach. She stepped lightly on the shore and shrewdly surveyed the hokey little backass Florida town. "It stinks," she said.
……"No, that's only Salty," Barny said helpfully.
……Chief, Bright Eyes and Steamer gaped at her. EDP liked to be gaped at, and as more residents of the little town noticed her, she got gaped at some more. Quarty strolled up to them, holding Howie out by the tail. "How you doin'?" he said to them as Howie wriggled in his fist.
……"Who the hell are you?" Chief spluttered, his eyes round as red rubber balls. Bright Eyes frowned and punched his shoulder.
……"Who the hell is right," Salty said blandly. "Stop drooling so much Chief you'll dehydrate."
……"Is that how you made a man out of Troy?" Steamer asked, glancing up from his colorbook.
……Quarty looked at the demon girl, who was hanging on his son like a prep school sweater, and then looked at his son, who was in nothing but his Mickey Mouse boxer shorts. "You didn't make Troy into a man," he said, looking disappointed. "You made him into a butt-pirate."
……"Butt pirate!!" Howie agreed.
……Troy growled at Howie, who slipped out of Quarty's fist and squealed, then bit Quarty in the knee. "AAA!" Quarty yelped, and gave the little whale a solid kick.
……"This is Evil Dead Pony," Troy introduced her grandly to the growing crowd. "She's from Hell!"
……"I thought this was Hell," Quarty said.
……"Well, wherever you're from, it's nice to meet you," Royal Blue said nicely as she yanked the demon clear off her son. EDP was immediately surrounded by a swarm of little land dwelling killer whales, much to her obvious delight.
……"Holy Hell!" she squealed, clapping her hands and dancing around in the sand. "There's hundreds of them!" She sat straight down in the middle and let them crowd around her so that she could pet them.
……"So," Quarty said conversationally, standing outside the circle of whales. "From Hell, eh?"
……"From the very depths of the fire," EDP agreed, and materialized herself a bottle of soap. She started blowing bubbles, and all the little whales began leaping into the air to pop them.
……"Why come here?" Quarty said curiously. "There has to be more interesting places than Quacker County."
……EDP looked at him blandly. "I hang around with eternally damned guys all day. It can get pretty dead down there."
……Doc Lacey noticed the commotion and glanced up from her tube of questionable liquid. She gave it a good shake and set it on a cooling rack to bubble over as she stepped out of the Clinic. Dibbles and Nibbles scampered behind her, and promptly attached themselves to Troy.
……EDP glared at Lacey.
……Lacey glared at EDP.
……Little whales dove for cover as Evil Dead Pony took to her feet. Floating inches off the ground, EDP slid towards Quacker County's only doctor. "Well well well," EDP sneered. "This is where I find you. Wallowing in the filth with these disgusting mortals."
……Lacey snorted smugly. "Why did Master let you out of Hell?" she smirked. "For good behavior?"
……EDP's eyes glowed bloody red, and Lacey's eyes glowed ghostly white, and they bared their fangs and growled viciously at each other. Pony and whalem spectators watched nervously, quivering in the sand and looking about ready to pee themselves and run around in a panic. Then, as black thunderheads began to swirl overhead and sand began to rise on the wind, the two demon ponies hugged each other.
……"Good to see you again!" Lacey greeted EDP warmly, patting her shoulder. "You look devilish!"
……Everyone looked confused.
……"What happened to your horns?!" EDP squealed, rubbing Lacey's pony-ears playfully. Spectators realized that a cataclysmic even was not eminent and randomly lost interest.
……"I was going for the obvious trap look," Lacey replied, fluffing out her pretty curls and yawning. "Everyone knows better, but they still think I'm cute."
……"Mortals," EDP scoffed, and the two demon ponies giggled.
……EDP got the feeling she was being watched, and she glared down. Mac and Howie were staring straight up at her. "Hello, little boy," EDP grinned. "Who are you?"
……"Mac," Mac gulped. He was holding a cooler in his hands that was too heavy for him. Howie was wearing his Ray-Bans. "Troy's my brother."
……EDP's interest perked, and she knelt down next to the little boy. "You know," she whispered. "He really is a man."
……Mac grinned. "I know."
……"So, little man, what's fun to do in this town?" EDP asked.
……Mac shrugged. "Nothing."
……"Oh come on," she insisted. "What's the most recent exciting thing you've done?"
……Mac looked thoughtful for a minute, then pointed to the large, out of place tree growing on the beach.
……EDP looked. "What the hell is that?"
……"Queen Mab," Mac answered.
……"The Fey Queen?" EDP rubbed her chin, grinning. "That could be fun."
……Howie lifted a fin and slapped his forehead. "Howie!" he sighed.
……"What's in the cooler?" the demon pony asked.
……Mac looked at it, then looked at her, then gripped the handle tighter.
……"Oh come on," she said. "What's in the cooler?"
……Mac's eyes shifted nervously. EDP picked off Howie's Ray-Bans and slipped them sleekly on her own face. She could smell that sweet cancer in the air. "Daddy said not to share."
……"Is Quarty your daddy?" EDP grinned sweetly.
……Mac blinked. He set the cooler down and opened it, then handed EDP an ice cold can of Mountain Dew.
……She sniffed the can curiously and slung the ice and water off the lip. She popped the top and her eyes perked as it hissed at her. Remembering what was in Salty's bottle, she was wary of the piss colored liquid in the pretty red and green can, but took a careful sip anyway.
……Years later, ponies would swear it was a squeal heard across the Gulf of Mexico.
……She grabbed the handle of the cooler with her free hand as she drained the can. Howie's mouth clamped around the other end of the handle.
……"Howie," EDP warned sweetly.
……Howie clamped down tighter and settled himself into the sand.
……"Give up the Dew, Howie," EDP snarled.
……Howie glared at her, and she yanked him out of the sand and tried to shake him off. She sent a mild electric shock through the cooler, and the little whale's tail frazzled, but he didn't let go. EDP finally gave up and dropped the whale and the cooler back into the sand. Howie dragged the cooler across the beach and out of sight.
……"Cripes!!" Troy squealed, as his girlfriend Cassidy pounded him across the head with the rolled up copy of Esquire she'd been flipping through.
……"You ratty little pig-dog!" she shouted, smacking him in all conceivable directions as he ducked to avoid the most potentially damaging blows. "How dare you bring home a barely dressed demon pony? I wanted PEARLS!!!!"
……Troy sighed, grabbed the copy of Esquire, and beat himself across the head with it.




……Salty and Barny were plotting in the far corner of Willy's Bar. Whenever Salty and Barny plotted something, it always meant some obnoxious sort of lifestyle deviation for the small, backwoods, hokey Florida town of Quacker County. Evil Dead Pony was lounging at the wet bar, trying every concoction that Willy could mix, and insisting that none of them tasted better than the Mountain Dew in her other hand. Willy looked bored. Troy was cowering in a pink wicker chair as Cassidy explained the word "monogamy" to him. Lacey was below them in the Clinic harvesting souls and engineering various new sorts of biological warfare, and Mac and Quarty were having super soaker fights with a rowdy band of killer whales.
……Salty and Barny descended the steps to the Waterway and took the raft to shore. They found Wiggy smoking his pipe under the awning of his apartment, flipping through legal documents from the Slugger vs Spammy court case. The lawyer glanced up as the sun disappeared behind two mischievous looking ocean boys.
……"So, Wiggy," Salty drawled lazily. "Want to see who really has the fastest ship in the fleet?"
……Wiggy's eyebrows perked. "Grab 'em," Barny said, and the three ponies went rolling through the sand.

The End!!


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