…… Troy blinked. He blinked again, then sat straight up and gave a delightful howl, confused out of the very slush of his pink little brain. Howie, who was nestled snugly in the crook of his arm, blinked twice, licked his eyeballs, and joined in with the howl. Barny and Salty were sprawled on the ground nearby, apparently sleeping soundly. The pathetic spineless wails jerked them out of their innocuous sailor-pirate-sailor dreams, and Salty frowned as he pushed himself into a semi-sitting position. Then he reached across and clapped both hands firmly over Troy’s mouth.
…… “Dammit you flaming crybaby, shut the hell up,” the old sailor hissed, looking around suspiciously. Barny glanced around, confused. The four of them were huddled close in the hazy gray of an endless, formless terrain. The cold of slate gray stone stretched out beneath them until it disappeared into the dull, bleak haze that surrounded them. The scenery looked barren and cold, but the stone beneath their butts was warm. Through the humid haze they caught glimpse of a swirling, dusky red sky. Barny gulped, and his tail shot up 3 inches.
…… “Oh my god,” Troy squealed as Salty let him go. “We’re dead! Dead and in Hell!!”
……Salty looked around. “We’re in hell?”
…… “I thought Quacker County was hell,” Barny frowned.
…… “I’m pretty sure Quacker County is hell,” Salty agreed.
……Barny stroked his chin. “Maybe it’s merely a sublevel of Hell, and we’ve graduated to a more advanced, higher acuity version of the land of the damned.”
…… “Oh my god we’re in HELL!” Troy was weeping, hugging Howie tightly to his chest.
…… “Howie!” Howie sighed, flapping his fins.
……Salty glanced down and picked up his bottle, which was shimmering innocently on the ground next to his bare feet. He popped the glass cork and took a swig. “Nope,” he said. “Not in hell.”
…… “Oh, but you are in hell,” cooed a silky voice behind their backs. They twisted back at once and four jaws dropped to the ground. Lounging back on a shimmery throne of pulsating, fixed flame, there was a sultry lady pony. Long white legs were crossed at the knee, and slim fingers lazily stalked across the throne of fire. Red hair careened like rivers of blood across pure white skin, and blood red eyes regarded them with lazy malice. As their eyes traveled up along the sensuous curves of her body, the last thing they focused on were the smooth horns that sloped from either side of her devilishly pretty face.
…… “Howie,” Howie spoke for them all.
…… “Not dead unfortunately,” the lady sighed, smiling, “but definitely in Hell. Not dead, yet, of course.” She ascended from the throne, hair following like wind.
……Salty sniffed. “I knew it. Hell really does smell like Obsession.”
……Troy sniffed, then pulled out his shirt and sniffed again.
……She wasn’t wearing much: short, salmon pink cutoff jeans that very nearly gave all of hell a peek at her tight white butt cheeks, and a blinding lime green silky blouse that she somehow managed to forget to button. It didn’t seem to bother her. She was also wearing a stunning pearl choker. Opalescent colors of the sea and sunset encircled her graceful white neck, and Salty’s eyes went bugger. “Hey!!” he squealed, bouncing to his feet suddenly and pointing dramatically into her face. “Those are my pearls!!”
……Barny cleared his throat. “Our pearls.”
……Salty shook his bottle at Barny warningly. “Don’t make me use this,” he said. Barny twitched. The sailor shook his bottle at the lady, who eyed it curiously. “Those are our pearls!” he shouted at her.
……She displayed them proudly, smoothing back the collar of her shirt just enough to get Troy and Barny drooling. “I know,” she giggled, smoothing one slim finger under the perfect little round balls. “Aren't they beautiful?”
…… “They’d be more beautiful traded for 2 or 3 crates of Malibu rum,” Salty muttered, annoyed.
……The lady pony swirled her fingers in midair, and within sparkling light a bottle of the sweet, delectable coconut rum materialized. The boys stared at it, their mouths watering at the mere sight of the smooth white bottle. “Like this?” she smirked.
…… “Howie!” Howie exclaimed, speaking for them all again.
…… “You want it?” EDP teased, dangling the bottle over their heads. They followed it like cats sniffing out catnip. “Trade one bottle for another.”
……Salty clutched his bottle to his chest. “No deal!!” he shrieked.
…… “Ah come on, Salty,” Barny whispered in the sailor’s ear, still drooling. “It’s malibu rum!”
……Salty looked at Barny, then back at EDP. “Would you trade Barny for it?”
…… “Hey!” the pirate captain yelled.
……EDP shrugged. “Sure.”
……Barny took a fistful of Salty’s long purple hair. “You promised me you’d never trade me for rum!!” he wailed.
…… “Yeah but I like my bottle better than you.”
……EDP let the bottle go and it shattered at her bare feet. The boys look disappointed. Salty sighed. Good rum gone to waste! “Don’t worry boys,” she grinned at them. “There’s better stuff than that where I come from. We got real firewater down here, gentlemen.”
……Troy shook his head, and Howie shook the drool off his fishy little brain. “What are you?” he breathed.
…… “Well,” she smirked, stepping delicately between their arms and legs where they knelt on her warm stone ground. “I ain’t no unicorn, that’s for damn sure.” She tossed her head and laughed maniacally.
…… “You’re a devil pony!” Barny squealed, turning to follow her as she promenaded around them, stepping lightly across the gray stone.
…… “Demon pony, to be more precise,” she corrected, and squatted directly in front of them. “But my, how rude of me! I haven't introduced myself.”
……Barny looked like he wanted to faint.
…… “I am Evil Dead Pony, esquire,” she said grandly.
…… “Well,” Salty growled, “that’s creative.”
……She glared at him. “And ‘Salty’ will win you an Oscar,” she deadpanned.
……His eyes went buggy. “How do you know my name?” he shouted at her.
……She slipped a hand skillfully down his trousers and gave his boxers a wicked tug, leaving the sailor squealing over his vicious wedgie. “It’s sewn into your underwear, silly!” she howled, and bounced off his back and into Troy’s arms. Troy barely had time to toss the little whale into Salty’s lap before the demon pony inserted herself snugly into his arms. They went tumbling across the floor and she landed on top, giggling like a demented schoolgirl. “Well, aren’t you the lady killer?” she crowed, taking fistfuls of his short hair and locking his face close to her own.
…… “Well that’s not what I would call him,” Salty muttered. He dumped Howie out onto the ground, and the little whale scrambled around the sailor and buried himself under his pale purple tail. Big gumdrop eyes blinked through strands of the sailor’s hair.
…… “Oh?” EDP sounded mildly interested, as she snaked her fingers lightly under the young football star’s chin. Troy giggled nervously. Her tickling fingers felt like spider legs tiptoeing across his chin. “What would you call him then?”
…… “Oh come on,” Salty said, annoyed, and shook his bottle at her. “Look at him!”
…… “He’s gayer than all male figure skating,” Barny agreed.
…… “Wow,” EDP grinned, sniffing him curiously.
…… “The whole point of this damn trip was to fix that,” Salty growled, and took an annoyed swig from his bottle. “To make a man out of him.”
……EDP looked insanely interested in that. “Make a MAN out of him?” she squealed, and began laughing like Salty had just told her a dirty limerick. “Ohhh,” she cooed, dipping her face close and gazing hazily into Troy’s watery pink eyes. “He’s definitely a man.”
……Barny shook his head clear and tugged nervously on handfuls of his bright orange hair. “Yeah, Troy, if you’re still gay after this, there’s no hope for you.”
……Troy broke eye contact to glare at the pirate captain. Evil Dead Pony’s attention was diverted as well, and she pounced on Barny. She lounged like a cat in his lap and began braiding together strands of his bright colored hair.
…… “Eeeek,” Barny squeaked.
…… “Well, hello, pirate,” EDP drawled. “Welcome to hell.”
…… “Thanks,” Barny gulped.
…… “Barny,” Troy scolded. “You’re married.”
…… “Yeah but I’m married to a shrew,” Barny said reasonably. EDP’s eyes meandered across their faces, looking mildly interested.
…… “Well…” Troy scratched his head, laughing foolishly. “I’m not married.”
…… “Yeah,” Salty squealed. “And we all know WHY!!!”
…… “Oh come on boys,” the demon cooed sweetly. “There’s enough of me to share!”
…… “But you’re evil,” Salty said.
…… “And dead,” Howie added from under Salty’s tail.
…… “And questionably a pony,” EDP agreed, as she finished braiding the rest of Barny’s hair. He looked like a Jamaican reject.
…… “What do you want from us?” Troy asked. “Why aren’t we dead?”
…… “That’s simple, really,” she smiled at them. “You are better alive to me than dead.”
……Salty glared at her suspiciously. “For what cause?”
……EDP crossed her legs in front of the sailor. “What difference does it make right now? Right now,” she grinned, leaning back against Barny’s chest and wrapping her arms back around his neck. “You are in hell, gentlemen, can you feel the blood in your veins boil? The flame and the fires that feed off the souls of the damned burn ever brighter as the sins of the flesh consume us all.”
…… “Howie?” Howie quivered.
……Evil Dead Pony settled back into Barny’s arms and angled her head just slightly, so that he got a damn good view of the smooth slope of her neck. “Can you watch these wretched souls writhing in the rage of their own desire?” she whispered, having captivated their full attention. “The flames that swirl and dance around these twisted souls fade from blue to red to orange and shimmer and shine as fireflies, rising up into the ribbony night.”
…… “Okay,” Barny drooled.
…… “There are paths,” the demon lady breathed. “Ways that lead away from the light. You hear the wails inside these flames and feel the blood in your veins beginning to throb. Drink the firewater, feel the flame, consume yourself as I addict you to the fires of hell—”
……Barny’s eyes went wide. “Can you really do that?” he whispered.
……She smiled, and twisted to meet his lips. “Let me show you.”
……Salty cleared his throat. “Uh, Barny…” he warned. Troy tapped his fingertips together, beginning to look nervous now.
…… “Uhm…” the pirate’s tail lifted up a few inches. “My friends don’t think I should.”
……EDP laughed. “Oh come on. Are you the kind of man who lets his friends think for him? Or,” she cooed, “are you the kind of man who lets the devil think for him?” EDP laced her fingers behind his neck.
…… “His friends,” Salty and Troy said together, and yanked the pirate out from under her. She flipped back like a feline and landed gently on her feet, her hair spinning wildly out behind her.
…… “No where to run in hell, boys!” Her voice echoed out across the barren terrain, following them as they tried to escape her. The gray slate stone seemed like a never-ending entity, until it suddenly dissolved under their feet. “CRIPES!!!!!!!” they squealed collectively as they plummeted down through the swirly red haze of absolute nothingness.
…… “I blame yoooooooooooooooooo!!” Howie squealed as he plunged through the clouds.
…… “I blame your father for not raising you right,” Salty said to Troy, who was plummeting beside him.
…… “Why do you name your children after alcoholic beverages?” Troy snapped back.
…… “Where’s my ship?” Barny wept, swiping a tear away.
…… “In the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean by now, Barny,” Salty yawned. “Makes a great place for lobsters to breed.”
…… “Ew,” Troy grimaced.
…… “Howie flying!!” Howie zipped by their heads before disappearing back into the mist. Salty growled.
…… “Where’s a harpoon gun when I need one?”
…… “Why don’t you just uncork your ego and kill us all?” Troy shouted at his uncle, who went spinning through the haze.
…… “We’re going to keep falling forever,” Barny wailed, wringing his hands together. “This is one of those bottomless pits! Meant to torment us!”
…… “You mean we’re just going to fall like this forever?” Troy looked around. Then realized he was falling upside down and tried to right himself. “What miserable freaking mess did you get me into?! I could be in the mansion right now, lounging back with Cassidy and eating ham and cheese croissants!!!”
…… “You know, I bought that mansion,” Salty noted.
…… “Really?” Barny said thoughtfully. “What are you going to do with it?”
……The old sailor shrugged. “Burn it down.”
……The three of them suddenly plopped down into comfortable, silky pillows. They scrambled into sitting positions and looked around to find Evil Dead Pony reclining lazily back on a sensuous, dark purple pillow. She had changed her clothes completely, and now was dressed in a silvery, sparkling gown with a slit in it as long as her legs. Gold bracelets snaked across her arms and legs in strange, intricate patterns. Howie was snuggled in the crook of her arm, and she was slowly rubbing his fishy little head with her other hand.
…… “So nice of you to join me, boys!” she greeted them.
…… “Howie!” Howie agreed.
…… “Traitor,” Salty snarled at the little whale. EDP popped a fat green grape into Howie’s mouth, and being a traitor didn’t seem to bother him much. “What do you want from us, you she-devil?”
……EDP sighed lazily and shrugged, glancing around her villa aimlessly. Pink marble pillars held the roof aloft, and through them that same dreary red haze swam along the sky. Old english ivy snaked along the pillars, and beautiful lady slippers were in bloom all along the garden grounds. “Master takes a fancy to these flowers,” she smiled, plucking one from the dirt and bringing it to her face.
…… “That’s real nice, what are we doing here again?” Salty snarled.
…… “And where’s my ship?” Barny whimpered.
……EDP looked at him askew, then held up an olive poked through with a toothpick. Barny started crying. Troy patted his back sympathetically.
…… “I am but a GateKeeper,” EDP shrugged mildly, and slid the olive into her mouth, pulling it off the sliver of wood with her tongue. “Sometimes the Damned get restless.”
……A dark figure stepped up behind her shoulder, and the boys’ eyes traveled up, from boots to blouse, until they met a face they recognized way too well. Kale stood behind the demon, shedding his pale blue light, his arms folded solemnly across his chest. EDP reached back without a glance and rested a hand along his inner leg.
…… “I believe you boys have met, by the amusing looks on your faces.” EDP sipped a cinnamon whiskey. “As you might have guessed,” she threw a wink at Barny, “I have a thing for pirates.”
…… “I have a want for you,” Kale said to them. His voice was deep and pretty. And creepy. He glared at them with glazed red eyes and said: “Long I searched for a ship of fools, for ones who sail my dark waters living as I do dead. It has been promised to me, that when I find me such a vessel, it will take my place.”
…… “You mean, take your place in hell?” Barny gasped.
…… “Little Boy Blue gets a gold star!” EDP crowed, flinging out her fingers and planting a glittery star on his forehead.
…… “And I and my crew, we LIVE,” Kale said triumphantly.
……They looked at the demon pony, who looked completely disinterested at best. “You’re just going to let him do that?” Troy shouted at her.
……She shrugged. “What the hell do I care?” she grinned, popping another grape into Howie’s mouth.
…… “Does that mean we have to die?” Barny whimpered, his tail as high as his butt cheeks could squeeze it.
……EDP shrugged, and yawned. “They have to get life somewhere,” she said reasonably. “We don’t just pass it out for free, you know.”
…… “Come on,” Salty sighed, directing his irk at Kale. “What do you think you’re getting in to?”
……Kale cocked a dead eyebrow at him. “I am getting into life, sailor, a thing that will soon depart you.”
……Salty chuckled meanly, and lounged back against his comfy pillow. “No, sailor, you’re getting yourself into the Atlantic Ocean. If a hurricane doesn’t eat you alive, the US Coast Guard will laugh your sorry ass out of the water. If you happen to survive them, there’s no way that you and your crew of cockney old fashioned bullshit will survive Generation X. They’ll suck you down like a Jello shot.”
……EDP looked amused. Kale looked pissed. “You speak of witchcraft? I fear no black magic!”
…… “Yeah, right,” Troy snorted. “Just make sure you don’t get caught in the middle of an N’Sync concert.”
…… “You see why we think he’s gay?” Barny said aside to the demon girl. “He mentioned N’Sync. No self respecting man would stoop so low.”
……EDP shrugged. “That was merely to illustrate a point.”
…… “Amazing,” Troy sighed. “The only support I get is from the dead chick from hell.”
…… “Howie!” Howie pointed out.
…… “Oh choke on your grapes you handbag,” Salty snarled.
…… “Howie!” Howie insisted.
…… “Have a drink, boys.” EDP flicked her wrist and fat goblets materialized in their hands. Troy peered into it, and Salty swirled his cup and inhaled gently.
…… “Goldschlager!” he said, impressed. That was some damn expensive alcohol. He couldn’t remember seeing so much of it in one centralized location. He quickly got over his awe and set it aside. “No, thank you!”
…… “Oh come on,” EDP insisted.
…… “Dammit,” Salty shook his bottle at her. “Can’t you see I’m too drunk to be drinking right now?”
…… “Is that what’s wrong with you?” she smiled.
……Kale was growing impatient. “Come, now, My Lady, Let us begin the transference! I long again for life blood!”
…… “Shit, just have a sip of this,” Troy giggled, then belched, then looked like he was going to puke.
…… “Amateurs,” EDP and Salty sighed together. “Kale,” EDP waved the ghost pirate off. “You’ve been patient for hundreds of years. A few more minutes won’t kill you.”
…… “I am already dead, my lady,” Kale growled.
……EDP giggled, and brushed a tear away. “That was funny.”
…… “I want them NOW!!” Kale roared, shaking his fist in the demon’s face. “I have waited for this moment long and now you dare refuse it me?”
……EDP looked at him and smiled. “Choose your next words carefully, Kale. Next time I will give your soul to the fire.”
…… “My lady,” he implored, quieter.
……She waved him aside. “Sit like a good little damned soul and let me spend some quality time with the alive guys, will you?” She looked back at the alive guys, with her mildly curious leer. “So, Troy. What’s this ‘N’Sync’ that you speak of?”
……Troy was sweating around his collar. “Uh… they’re singers. One of those Mickey Mouse boy-boy bands.”
…… “Just you’re kind of music,” Salty snorted.
…… “There are better bands to choose from, if you like music,” Barny said eagerly. “Bloodhound Gang, Jimmy Buffett…”
…… “Ah, good old Jimmy!” Salty sighed pleasantly.
……EDP looked intrigued. “Really?” she said, sitting forward and resting her chin in a hand.
……Troy sniffed. “You think I’m gay? You should meet Celeb.”
…… “Who’s that?” EDP smiled.
…… “He’s Quacker County’s local vest,” Barny explained. “Fruitier than Fruit Loops.”
…… “I think she’d like Lacey,” Salty muttered. “I bet those two would get along wonderfully.”
……EDP’s interest was fired up. “Lacey?” She sat up straight on her frilly pillow. “Doc Lacey, in Quacker County?”
……Four pairs of huge buggy eyes directed themselves at the demon pony. “Uhm… yes,” Troy admitted, and it won him a beating with Salty’s bottle.
…… “How do you know her?” the old sailor asked suspiciously.
…… “KNOW her?” EDP squealed. “When did she get out of hell?”
……Barny sighed, and hid his eyes behind his hands. “Oh I knew it!”
…… “Lacey is one of the Great Apostles of the Master, as am I,” EDP explained thoughtfully. “How long has she been living among the mortals?”
…… “Stop it,” Troy begged. “Barny’s going to wet himself.”
…… “As long as I can remember,” Salty said.
…… “As long as you can remember?” Troy scoffed. “You can’t even remember what happened at the beginning of this story, can you?”
……Salty stared at him blankly.
…… “Hah!” Troy cheered.
…… “If Apostle Lacey can live among mortals, then so could I.” EDP was watching them sharply, a glimmer of mischief in her eyes. That statement won her back their undivided attention.
…… “My Lady,” Kale protested. “I beg of you to reconsider.”
……EDP’s red eyes shifted, and she regarded him with lazy malice. “My interest is perked. The things these boys speak of, I have never seen before in hell.” She absently petted Howie, who was happily singing some little whale song. She looked down at him. “And this thing. It resembles a killer whale, and yet is able to live on land and has low base intelligence.”
…… “Hey!” Howie said indignantly.
…… “There’s hundreds of them in Quacker County,” Troy told her eagerly. “They’re everywhere!”
…… “And they taste like chicken,” Salty added.
…… “Willy makes some of the best mixed drinks on the Atlantic Ocean!” Barny said proudly. “You haven't had a drink until you’ve had a pineapple willy!”
……Kale glared at them, his red eyes glowing angrily. “My Lady!” he roared to EDP. “You must begin the transference now! So that I and my men can walk the earth with living feet once more!”
……“Must?” EDP wondered, smiling with calm malice.
…… “It has been promised me!”
……Evil Dead Pony stood to face the ghost captain. His face was contorting with the intensity of his anger. EDP smiled at him mildly. “That’s why we call it ‘Hell,’ Kale.”
……He lunged for her, and realized that his legs had molded into the floor of the villa. His groping fingers flailed inches from her face. “You bitch!” he screamed at her. “You owe me this!”
…… “I have been called worse,” she shrugged. “And I owe you nothing. I am blessed with free will, a thing you lost the day you died. Maybe things would have been different if you would have stuck with selling pig parts at the marketplace.” She shrugged and meandered off as Kale struggled to break free. The alive boys watched him, looking mortified, but thinking it was kind of a good idea.
…… “Serves him right,” Barny whispered to Troy. “I want my ship back!”
…… “You decided to spend your meager life pillaging and plundering and philandering,” EDP was saying, as she bent and plucked a lady slipper from the garden. “It’s not my fault you made a bad career move. You mortals have free will too. Part of life is chance. Part is coincidence. And the rest is God or the Devil.”
…… “I have waited 300 years!!” Kale screamed at her.
……EDP rolled the flower stem between her fingers. “Then wait 300 more.” She turned to the boys sitting on her pillows. “Will you escort me to the mortal world?” she asked them eagerly. “Take me to the place you call ‘Quacker County’? I offer you life for the opportunity.”
……They gaped at her, even though they saw that one coming form a mile away. “Um,” Troy said eloquently. “Will you give us a minute to confer?”
…… “I have all of eternity,” she shrugged.
……The boys got into a huddle, and Howie squeezed between shoulders to join them. “No,” Salty said firmly. “No no no no no!!!!”
…… “Aw come on, Salt-lick!” Barny begged. “I like her, she’s pretty.”
…… “Pretty damn crazy,” Salty grumbled.
…… “Think about it, Salty,” Troy said reasonably. “It’d be taking the devil into hell. I don’t think anyone would notice the difference.”
……Salty thought about it. “That’s a good point.”
…… “Howie!” Howie added emphatically.
…… “And Howie likes her,” Troy pointed out. “Animals usually have instincts that warn them away from danger. That’s why whales tend to stay away from you, Salty.”
…… “I thought it was because he smells like a dead animal,” Barny wondered. Salty glared at him.
…… “What’ll it be, boys?”
……Troy stood up carefully on his pillow, watching her and Kale cautiously. “If we take you, you will spare our lives?”
……EDP shrugged. “Sure.”
……Troy folded his arms across his chest and gave her a shrewd look. “We need a way to get home. We want our ship back!”
……EDP looked at him curiously. “Ah, the ship of fools. Why do you want that primitive vessel back?”
…… “Primitive?” Barny squealed.
…… “Primitive,” EDP explained, “as in rickety old piece of shit.”
…… “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!” Barny went rolling across the pillows.
……The air surrounding them shimmered suddenly like heat mirage, and as it faded they saw that the garden had vanished. In its place were the black and ethereal waters of the famed River Styx. Damned souls swept by the current gave unearthly howls, and none too elegant thumps as they bounced off the hull of a magnificent sailing vessel. The boys gaped up at it. They were doing lots of gaping lately.
…… “Is that my pirate ship?” Barny gasped, staring up at the perfect rigging, the massive sturdy mast, and the blazing white sail that was billowing in a phantom wind.
…… “With a few modifications, of course,” EDP smiled. “I have to go in style.”
……Barny glanced at her. “What about my crew?”
……As if on cue, the whole crew of smelly, ugly, hairy, stupid little pirates leapt up to the rail and into the rigging to properly greet their captain. “Ahoy, cap’n Barny!!” Ugly yelled down at him. “Thanks for leaving us for dead in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean!”
…… “Pleasure’s mine!” Barny yelled happily, and all the little pirates cheered and fired musket shots out over the river. Troy plugged his ears and sighed.
…… “Howie!!” Howie shrieked, dancing from fin to fin. They looked back and squealed, as liquidy blue creatures emerged up out of the shore to surround them. The skanky smell and the flesh hanging off bone confirmed they were ghosts, and the out of style pirate duds confirmed they were part of Kale’s phantom crew.
…… “Cripes!!” Troy squealed.
…… “Avenge me, my scurvy dogs of the sea!!” Kale roared from the villa. The ghost pirates oozed closer, brandishing nasty sharp things, and surrounding the poor alive guys and the demon girl. Drippy flesh and snarled grins came at them from all angles. “No one will take from me what is rightfully mine!!”
…… “Oh, Kale,” EDP sighed as she flicked her wrist and sent 2 or 3 of the pirate minions shattering to pieces. “You egotistical little bastard.” She spread her arms and every specter to the right and left of her dissolved into dust. “Someday I’ll come back, and you were the one I’d be coming back to. Now,” she shrugged, “your insolence has sealed your fate. Promises made in hell are as sincere as the demons who make them. I promised you nothing, and now I promise you this.” Her eyes began to glow bright, bloody red as she approached the ghost captain. As she sauntered past his minions, they melted into the sand, their souls lost forever into the River Styx. She stepped up to Kale’s face and ran a finger along the slope of his strong jaw. He jerked his head away and snarled. “An existence of eternal damnation. A nameless soul, to drift forever, knowing nothing but that you lost something.”
……He began shrinking before their eyes, his body absorbing into the floor of the villa. “Nooooooooo!!” he shrieked, writhing and twisted, trying to pull out of his fate. “My Lady, please!!”
……EDP smiled. “Back into Hell, Kale,” she murmured, as he faded away forever. She turned away and left behind the wisp of haze that remained of the ghost captain. The scenery shimmered behind her, and disappeared into the swirling red fog. “He couldn’t even damn me as he lost his soul,” she sighed, still smiling.
…… “Damn,” Howie said.
……Troy took her hand and led her up the gangway, and Barny’s midget pirate crew hoisted up the anchor. The ship moved slowly through the River Styx. Salty, Howie and Troy stared over the rail as they skimmed the surface, at the faceless souls that wailed and reached out of the water for a chance to touch the hull.
…… “I’m going to have nightmares for the rest of my life,” Troy sighed. EDP laughed. The demon waved Cerberus away and threw a rubber Elmo out to appease its three heads, and the guardian let them pass out of hell.

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