There has been quite a bit of confusion, and many lives lost over the D.A.N.G.E.R. pets policy. And rather than killing any more D.A.N.G.E.R. employees that receive Cat Fancy magazine, we decided it would be more prudent to spell out the rules about pets.

Let me start out by saying that I think pet owning is the stupidest thing that I have ever heard of, and would prefer to shoot the whole lot of you. However, Schmick said it was good for morale to allow pets, or something. I stopped listening after a while. You know how Schmick gets. Anyway, I decided to make a list of the acceptable, or evil, pets that are allowed by D.A.N.G.E.R.

Dogs and cats are allowed at D.A.N.G.E.R., but only certain breeds. St. Bernards are evil. Wiener dogs are not evil. Doberman pinchers are quite evil, however poodles are not. Blood hounds are counterintuitive, they are not evil, as are the evil Scotch terriers. Bulldogs and boxers are evil, but Dalmatians are not evil, and any found on D.A.N.G.E.R. premises will be destroyed. All other breeds will be denied on an individual basis.

Allowable cats breeds include: Siamese, tabby, calico, and Manx. Unacceptable cats include: Persians, Burmese, Rex, and Abyssinian. Kittens, of all breeds, are not only allowed, but encouraged.

Among other mammals, mice, badgers, wolverines, hippos, rhinos, and capybaras are D.A.N.G.E.R. quality pets. Rabbits, rats, guinea pigs, chinchillas, prairie dogs, meerkats, ibex, and water buffaloes are strictly forbidden.

Birds are popular pets for the moronic, but we have a listing of which birds are allowed, anyway. Blue and gold macaws are quite beautiful and would make wonderful pets. If any are found in D.A.N.G.E.R., they and their owners will be shot. Cockatoos are evil and welcome, however cockatiels are not welcome, except in the fiery pits of Hades! Love birds and canaries are fine.

All fish are strictly prohibited except for lion fish, piranha, sharks, and guppies.

Anyone dumb enough to own any herps should have their heads examined. However, instead of having these people shot, Schmick suggested that we do allow these horrible creatures within D.A.N.G.E.R. headquarters. What next, allowing Quebecois? Turtles are the scum of the Earth, and as such are allowed here at D.A.N.G.E.R. Only certain lizards are allowed: geckos, skinks, iguanas, komodo dragons, and gila monsters. Chameleons are the most worthless thing to ever slither about on four legs. Well, mostly their freaky eyes bug me! Augh! Snakes are not only allowed but encouraged. Frogs? What’s the point? Newts and salamanders are A-Okay.

Well, I hope this answers any questions that you may have. If not, you may email Mike and Schmick at gotohell@biteme.com.