Movie Quotes (M)

Mad Love

Jed (Alec Baldwin): So I ask you; when someone goes into that chapel and they fall on their knees and they pray to God that their wife doesn't miscarry or that their daughter doesn't bleed to death or that their mother doesn't suffer acute neural trauma from postoperative shock, who do you think they're praying to? Now, go ahead and read your Bible, Dennis, and you go to your church, and, with any luck, you might win the annual raffle, but if you're looking for God, he was in operating room number two on November 17, and he doesn't like to be second guessed. You ask me if I have a God complex. Let me tell you something: I AM God.

Brodie (Jason Lee): One time my cousin Walter got this cat stuck in his ass. True story. He bought it at our local mall, so the whole fiasco wound up on the news. It was embarrassing for my relatives and all. But the next week, he did it again. Different cat, same results, complete with another trip to the emergency room. So, I run into him a week later in the mall and he's buying another cat! And I says to him, "Walt, what are you doing? You know you're just gonna get this cat stuck in your ass too, why don't you knock it off?" And he said to me, "Brodie, how the hell else am I supposed to get the gerbil out?" My cousin was a weird guy.

Brodie: Usual vault rules apply: Touch not, lest ye be touched.

Brodie: Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned for Sega.

T.S.: Woah, she calls you callow in here.
Brodie: You say that like it's bad.
T.S.: Well, it means frightened and weak willed.
Brodie: Shit, that was the only part of the letter I thought was complimentary.
T.S.: Really? Well, you're lucky. Unlike you, I didn't even get a letter filled with obscure adjectives.

Brodie: Let me ask you something, did you ever fart in front of her?
T.S.: Why do you ask?
Brodie: I never farted in front of Renee, not once all right? Then last week, I let one slip, today she dumps me.
T.S. You think that that's why Renee dumped you? Come on, she's not the shallow type.
Brodie: She was going down on me at the time.
T.S.: Shut up!
Brodie: What? What can I say, I was feeling very relaxed, when I'm relaxed, I squirt.
T.S.: If all she did was dump you, you got off light.

Brodie: I love the smell of commerce in the morning!

[Shannon runs into Brodie]
Shannon (Ben Affleck): What you wanna say something?
Brodie: Yeah about a million things, but I can't express myself monosyllabically enough for you to understand them all.

Brodie: The force is strong with this one.
Jay (Jason Mewes): Don't encourage him. submitted by JDwhiskers

Jay: Motherfucker's like MacGyver, no motherfucker's better than MacGyver!

Jay: Silent Bob here stole a schematic of the stage from some foolish carpenter and found a weakness just like the fucking Death Star. We figures here you pull this crossbeam out, fuckin' bickety bam, the whole stage comes crashing down.
Brodie: Well we were thinking about something simple, but if you want to destroy the stage, hey we're all for that.

[looking at magic eye pic]
Child : Wow, it's a schooner!
Willum: You dumb bastard. It's not a schooner, it's a sailboat.
Another child: A schooner is a sailboat, stupid head.
Willum: You know what?! There is no Easter Bunny!...submitted by JDwhiskers

T.S.: But they're engaged.
Brodie: Doesn't matter, can't happen.
T.S.: Why not? It's bound to come up.
Brodie: It's impossible, Lois could never have Superman's baby. Do you think her fallopian tubes could handle the sperm? I guarantee you he blows a load like a shotgun right through her back. What about her womb? Do you think it's strong enough to carry his child?
T.S.: Sure, why not?
Brodie: He's an alien, for christ sake. His Kyrptonian biological makeup is enhanced by earth's yellow sun. If Lois gets a tan the kid could kick right through her stomach. Only someone like Wonder Woman has a strong enough uterus to carry his kid. The only way he could bang regular chicks is with a kryptonite condom. That would kill him!

Brodie: Cookie stand's not part of the food court.
T.S.: Of course it is.
Brodie: The food court is downstairs, the cookie stand is upstairs it's not like we're talking quantum physics here!
T.S.: The cookie stand counts as an eatery, the eatery is part of the food court.
Brodie: Bullshit! Eateries that operate within the designated square downstairs qualify as food court, anything outside of said designated square is considered an autonomous unit for mid-mall snacking.

Renee (Shannen Doherty): Brodie, I have always taken you with a grain of salt. On your birthday, when you asked me to do a striptease to the theme from "Mighty Mouse," I said okay. When we were at that hotel, prom night, and you asked me to sleep underneath the bed in case your mother bursts in, I did it. And even when we were at my grandmother's funeral and you told most of my relatives that you could see her nipples through her burial dress, I let that slide. But if you think I'm gonna suffer any more of your shit with a smile now that we're broken up, you're in for some serious fucking disappointment!

[T.S. and Brodie are on the escalator and pass a child who is sitting on the escalator]
Brodie: I hope his pants get caught and a bloodbath ensues.
T.S.: What is with you today?
Brodie: Don't get me wrong, I don't wish the kid harm, but his mother should suffer that horrific ordeal so she'll learn how to manage her child!
T.S.: Sort of a harsh lesson, don't you think?
Brodie: Man, there's not a year goes by, not a year, that I don't read about some escalator accident involving some bastard kid that could have been easily avoided had some parent, I don't care which one, but some parent, conditioned him to fear and respect that escalator! submitted by JDwhiskers

Brodie: That kid is back on the escalator again!

Brodie: You fuckers think that just because a guy reads comics he can't start some shit!?

Jay: Fly, fat ass, fly! submitted by JDwhiskers

Brodie: My grandmother always said, "Why buy the cow...when you get the sex for free."

Brodie: I would've made a sexy chick.

Brodie: How many chances do you get to see Smokey fuck The Bandit?
Gwen: Didn't I look just like Burt Reynolds? submitted by JDwhiskers

Brodie: Have you ever slept with somebody?
Gwen (Joey Lauren Adams): Uh, yeah.
Brodie: No, I mean really slept with somebody, beside them not just fucked them on a gaming table.
T.S.: We slept together one time, remember in high school, that ski trip?
Gwen: That was you? submitted by JDwhiskers

Jay: The guy in the Easter Bunny suit kicked his ass! submitted by JDwhiskers

Jay: Where do you get those wonderful toys?

Brodie: You're going to listen to me? To something I said? Haven't I made it abundantly clear during the tenure of our friendship that I don't know shit?

[At the Dating Game show.]
Brandi: Second suitor, if we were making whoopee...
Brodie: What's whoopee?
Brandi: Um...uh...well, being intimate.
Brodie: What? Like fucking?

Brandi: Suitor number three, is your kiss most like: a soft breeze, a firm handshake, or a jackhammer?
Gill Hicks: Definitely a jackhammer. I'm in there with some pressure, and when I'm done, you're not the same as before. You're changed.
Brodie: Where do you come up with this shit? That is the cheesiest response to an honest question I've ever heard. I saw you kiss and it wasn't anything like that.
Host: Suitor number 2, you have to wait until you're addressed before you respond.
Brodie: Richard Dawson just go back to your podium until it's time to play the feud, all right?
Gill Hicks: Who the hell did you see me kiss?
Brodie: Some dude backstage. I don't know who he was, but he seemed unimpressed.
Gill Hicks: I didn't kiss any guy backstage, I swear. I'm not gay.
Brodie: Hey suitorette, this guy's a homophobe. You heard how repulsed he sounded. I this the kind of guy you want to spend a vacation with? This hate monger?
Gill Hicks: I don't hate gay people!
Brodie: So you love them.
Gill Hicks: Yes! I mean no.
Brodie: Textbook closet case self loather. Can't be comfortable with his own...sexuality.

Jay: Snootchie Bootchies!

Brandie: Second suitor, would you ever make whoopie in public?
Brodie: Already did once today! But my cousin Walter jerked off in public once. True story. He was on this plane to New Mexico when all of the sudden the hydraulics went. The plane started spinning around, going out of control, so he decides it's all over and whips it out and starts beating it right there. So all the other passengers take a cue from him and they start whipping it out and beating like mad! So all the passengers are beating off, plummeting to their certain doom, when all of the sudden, the hydraulics kick back in and the plane rights itself and they land safely and everyone puts their pieces or, whatever, you know, away and deboard. Nobody mentions the phenomenon to anyone else.
Gill: Well, did he cum, or what?
Brodie: Jesus Christ, man! There's just some things you don't talk about in public!

Brodie: Boy Wonder? I'm all man, lady!

Brodie: You're both retarded for each other.

Silent Bob (Kevin Smith): Adventure, excitement...Jedi craves not these things.
 
 

Hannibal Lecter: Save yourself, kill them all!

Hannibal Lecter: If one does what God does enough times, one will become as God is.

Will Graham: I know that I'm not smarter than you.
Dr. Hannibal Lecter: Then how did you catch me?
Will Graham: You had disadvantages.
Dr. Hannibal Lecter: What disadvantages?
Will Graham: You're insane.

K (Tommy Lee Jones): Congratulations! You have a... squid. submitted by Kristen

J (Will Smith): You know the difference between you and me? I make this look good.

K: Five thousand years ago, everybody knew that we were the center of the universe; five hundred years ago, everybody knew that the earth was flat; and fifteen minutes ago you knew that people were alone on this planet... imagine what you will know tomorrow.

J: Looks like big bad bug got a bit of a soft spot! submitted by Nicole

Charlotte (Winona Ryder): Mrs. Flax doesn't believe in ritual tradition.

Mrs. Flax (Cher): How do I look?
Charlotte: Like a woman about to go forth in sin.
Mrs. Flax: Oh good, exactly the look I was hoping for.

Mrs. Flax: Life is change, Charlotte. Death is dwelling on the past or staying in one place too long.

Charlotte: Dear God, please don't let us be leaving right away. Please let me stop lying all the time. Please don't let me fall crazy in love so much and please let someone fall crazy in love back and please send me a sign. Amen.

Mrs. Flax: You know what? I'll make you a deal; you stop being a little bitch for let's say, oh I don't know an hour or two and I won't knock the religion of your choice for a week.

Audrey Rouget: People see the harm in what excessive candor can do.

Fred Neff: Men are dates, date substitutes or potential dates. I find that dehumanizing.

Nick Smith: Rick Von Slonecker is tall, rich, good looking, stupid, dishonest, conceited, a bully, liar, drunk and thief, an egomaniac, and probably psychotic. In short, highly attractive to women.

Michael (John Travolta): You gotta learn to laugh. It's the way to true love.

Michael: Whatever they say, you can never have too much of earth.
 
 

Jim Williams: Truth, like art, is in the eye of the beholder. You believe what you choose and I'll believe what I know.

Greek Chorus: Of all human weaknesses, obsession is the most dangerous, and the silliest!

God: Every time I try to talk to someone it's "sorry this" and "forgive me that" and "I'm not worthy"...

French Soldier: I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough water! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt ofelderberries!

Arthur: Is there someone else up there we could talk to?
French Soldier: No, now go away before I taunt you a second time.

There's a Mister Grim or something here. Something about the reaping? I don't think we need any.

Johnny (Danny Aiello): In time, you'll see that this is the best thing.
Loretta (Cher): In time, you'll drop dead and I'll come to your funeral in a red dress.

Ronny (Nicolas Cage): Loretta, I love you. Not like they told you love is, and I didn't know this
either, but love don't make things nice - it ruins everything. It breaks your heart. It makes things a mess. We aren't here to make things perfect. The snowflakes are perfect. The stars are perfect. Not us. Not us! We are here to ruin ourselves and to break our hearts and love the wrong people and die.

Charlie (River Phoenix): Once I had believed in father and the world had seemed small and old. Now he was gone and I wasn't afraid to love him anymore. And the world seemed limitless.

Doug (Michael Keaton) talking to his two clones: I'll hit you so hard I'll kill him. submitted by Renee

Vinny (Joe Pesci): What's a matter with you?
Lisa (Marissa Tomei): I don't know...
Vinny: You're actin' like you're nervous or somethin'.
Lisa: Well, yeah, I am.
Vinny: What are ya nervous about, I'm the one that's under the gun here... trial starts tomorrow.
Lisa: You wanna know what I'm nervous about? I'll tell ya what I'm nervous about. I am in the dark here with all of this legal crap... I have no idea what's goin' on. Alls I know is you're screwin' up and I can't help.
Vinny: Ya lent me your little camera, didn't ya?
Lisa: Oh, Vinny, I'm watchin' you go down in flames and you're bringin' me with you, and I can't do anything about it.
Vinny: And?
Lisa: Well, I hate to bring it up because I know you got enough pressure on you already, but, we agreed to get married as soon as you won your first case, meanwhile, 10 years later, my niece, the daughter of my sister, is gettin' married. My biological clock is tickin' like this, and the way this case is goin', I ain't never gettin' married!
Vinny: Lisa, I don't need this. I swear to God, I do not need this right now, kay? I got a judge that's just achin' to throw me in jail, an idiot who wants to fight me for two-hundred dollars, slaughtered pigs, giant loud whistles... I ain't slept in five days, I got no money, a dress code problem, and, a little murder case, which, in the balance, holds the lives of two innocent kids... not to mention, YOUR biological clock, my career, your life, our marriage, and let me see, what else can we pile on!?! Is there anymore shit we could pile on to the top of the outcome of this case?!?!..... Is it possible?
Lisa: ....maybe it was a bad time to bring it up. submitted by Fen

Vinny Gambini: You're in Ala-fuckin-bama. You killed a good old boy. There is no way this isn't going to trial.

Vinny Gambini: I'm here to collect.
J.T.: How 'bout I just kick your ass.
Vinny Gambini: Oh a counter offer. That's what we lawyers, I'm a lawyer... we call that a counter offer. This is a tough decision you give me here. Get my ass kicked or collect two hundred dollars. I could use a good ass-kickin', I'll be perfectly honest with you... no I think I'll just go with the two hundred.
J.T.: Over my dead body.
Vinny Gambini: You like to renegotiate as you go along. Well here's my counter offer... do I have to kill you? What if I were just to kick the ever loving shit out of you?
J.T.: In your dreams.
Vinny Gambini: Oh no no... in reality. If I kick the shit out of you, do I get the money?

Mrs. Brown (Brenda Fricker): A broken body is nothing to a broken heart.

Christy Brown (Daniel Day Lewis): Every cripple has his own way of walking.

Ben: First, let's get one thing straight. You don't scare me.
Andre: Too bad. Would you like a drink?
Ben: You really make me sick.
Andre: I feel a bit nauseous myself right now.
Ben: I mean, look at yourself. You're old enough to be her father.
Andre: The truth is cruel. submitted by Kristen

Mike Waters (River Phoenix): I'm a connoisseur of roads. I've been tasting roads my whole life. This road will never end. It probably goes all around the world.

Tom: Isn't that illegal?
Craig: Tom, never let the law stand in the way of a good time.

Geena: We spend hours making ourselves look completely different, and then we go into some dark place where we really can't see each other anyway, and then we drink so we don't know if the other person is really interesting or just seems interesting 'cause they're pretending to be interested in the person that we're pretending to be.
Tom: Uh, right. So I guess there's no getting around it. We're gonna have to lie to each other.

Daisy (Julie Roberts): Wipe your conscience.
*Means this film has been corrected and is in chronological order
 

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