June 98 - Jokes 

 One day, a man comes home from work and finds his blonde
wife leaning over the kitchen sink and crying.

He said, "Honey, what's wrong?" She said between sniffles,
"I...I dropped the ice cubes on the floor, and then I rinsed
them off in hot water, and now I can't find them."

A Needed Change

A guy walks into a bar and orders a triple martini.  Thirty seconds later a
lady walks in and ordered a triple martini.  The bartender says, "Wow!  Two
back-to-back triple martini's!  Are you celebrating anything?"

She says, "Yes, for ten years, I've been trying to get pregnant and this
morning I left the doctors office and he said I was pregnant!"

The bartender looks at the guy and says, "Are you celebrating anything?"  He
responds, "Yes.  I breed peacocks.  And for ten years, I've been trying to
breed a peacock with blue eyes.  I walked out from the birdhouse this morning
and there was a beautiful, blue-eyed peacock!!"

The bartender says, "Congratulations!  How'd you do it??"

He said, "I changed cocks."

The woman replies, "Really?  Me, too!"

  A man was carrying two babies, one in each arm, while waiting for a train.
  Along came this woman seeing the two cute babies started asking the man,
  "Aren't they cute, what are their names?"

  The man gave the lady an angry look and replied, "I don't know."

  The lady asked again, "Which is the boy and which is the girl?"

  The man looking angrier than before replied, "I don't know."

  The woman then started to scold the man, "What kind of a father are you?"

  The man replied, "I am not their father, I am just a condom salesman and
  these are two complaints that I am taking back to my company." >>

    A young woman experienced car trouble late one afternoon but luckily, an
old man in a tow truck stopped and offered help. Not knowing the area, she
asked if he could repair the car. He agreed to do it and after hoisting the
car up on the truck, the two of them took the car back to the old man's
garage. He looked at the engine and made an estimate about one hundred dollars
more than she could pay at the time. "Darn. Just one hunderd dollars? If you
weren't such an old guy," she said, "I'd fuck you for the remainder of the
bill."

   "Hell, I'll show you whose old!" the old man retorted. "Take off that dress
and get on the car." She giggled as she slipped off her dress and eyed the old
man after he dropped his pants. He was hung like a mule! "Oboy!", she thought.
"Not only am I going to get a great discount on the repairs, I'm going to get
screwed out of my brains." At that time she noticed the old man placing
washers on the base of his dick. "Hey, what are you doing?" , the woman asked.
"Hell", the old man replied, "You think for just a hundred dollars, you're
gonna get all of this?"

 A spoiled little girl wants everything ever made for Barbie for her
birthday, so Daddy takes her to the toy store, where the little girl
tells the clerk: "I want every Barbie ever made, all her friends, and every
single thing that Barbie comes with."

An hour later, the frazzled clerk lays the final item on the pile...a GI Joe doll.

  "No!" whines the little girl, "Barbie comes with Ken."

  "No honey," the clerk says, "Barbie fakes it with Ken.... she comes with    GI Joe!"

FINALLY,  The Blondes Get Revenge...!!!

  Why do brunettes like their dark hair color ?
  It doesn't show the dirt.

  Who makes all the bras for brunettes ?
  Fisher-Price

  Why didn't Indians scalp brunettes ?
  The hair from a buffalo's butt was more manageable

  Why are most brunettes flat-chested ?
  It makes it easier for them to read their T-shirts

  Why are brunettes so proud of their hair ?
  It matches their mustache

  Why is the color brunette considered evil ?
  When's the last time ya saw a blonde witch ?
 

  How can you tell a brunette is lonely ?
  Check her for a pulse

  What is the most frustrated animal in the world ?
  A brunette rabbit

  What did the frustrated brunette say to her uninterested lover ?
  " What part of 'yes' don't you understand ?"

  Why did God create brunettes ?
  So ugly men wouldn't feel left out

  What do brunettes miss most about a great party ?
  The invitation

  Where do brunettes get the hair for a transplant ?
  From their underarms

  Why do brunettes have to pay an extra $2,000 for a breast job ?
  Because the plastic surgeon has to start from scratch

  How do you describe a brunette whose phone rings on Saturday night?
  Startled

  What do you call a good-looking man with a brunette ?
  A hostage

  How did Revlon come up with it's brunette hair color ?
  By studying what oil spills did to seaweed

 How is sex like riding a bicycle?

    1.  You have to keep pumping if you want to get anywhere

     2.  It's best to wear protective head-gear when going into unfamilar  territory.

    3.  You can do it with no hands, but it's best not to try it until you have a lot of  experience.

    4.  It's easier to learn with the help of someone who has a lot of  experience.

     5.  You can do it by yourself, but it's usually not as much fun.

     6.  It's usually hard to control your speed the first few times you  try.

     7.  It's best to have a soft place to land.

     8.  You don't need any special clothing, but you can get some if you
          are  really into it.

     9.  If you're with someone who is having trouble keeping up, it's
          usually  best to slow down and wait for them.

     10. Most people think it looks easy until they try it for the first
           time.

     11. Once you learn, you never forget how.

     12.  If you fall off get right back on.

     13.  If you get a flat, try pumping it back up.

     14.  Remember to signal before you change direction.

     15.  Make sure that you've got a firm grip.

     16.  Sometimes it's nice to have a cushy seat.

     17.  Once you're over the top, you can just coast the rest of the way.

     18.  That's why some of them are called Mountin' Bikes.

Age Old profession

Just then the granny walked by and saw her granddaughter.  She asked the
girl,  "What are you lining up for?".

The granddaughter, not willing to tell the truth, told her grandmother
that she was lining up for some free oranges.

Well, grandma, not one for for passing up something free, joined the
back of the line.

A policeman who was going down the line taking information from each
girl, soon reached the grandmother.   He was stunned and bewildered to see
her.
So, he asked carefully,  "Ma'am, you're rather old to be out here, how
do you still do it?".

Grandma proudly replied, "Oh, it's easy, I just take out my teeth and
suck 'em dry.".

   This woman and her husband have this
   really bad fight.  He goes
   off to work the next day without talking
   to her but she doesn't care.
   She is busy doing her thing around the
   house.  All of the sudden,
   around 1:00 in the afternoon, the
   doorbell rings.  She goes to the
   door and opens it and there is a
   young delivery guy from the local
   florist shop with an enormous, beautiful bouquet of long-stemmed red
   roses...the expensive ones...from her husband.
     She says to the delivery guy with disgust,
   "Oh SHIT!"
     The delivery guy says, "What's a matter lady?  You don't like roses?"
     She replies, "Yeah, I like roses,
   but do you know what this means???"
    He says, "No, Lady, what does this mean?"
    She answers, "It means for the next
   two weeks I'll be laying on my
   back with my legs in the air."
     He replies, "Geez, Lady, don't you
   have a vase???"

Men are like:

Q. Why is life like a penis?
A. Because when it's soft it's hard to beat, but when it's hard you get
screwed.

   After a few days on the new Earth, the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is
   time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth, so I
   want you to kiss her."
   Adam answered, "Yes, Lord, but what is a 'kiss'?"  The Lord gave a brief
   description to Adam, who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush.
   A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you Lord, that was   enjoyable."
   And the Lord replied, "Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that. Now, I'd
   like you to caress Eve."
   And Adam said, "What is a 'caress'?"
   So, the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the
   bush with Eve.
   Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "Lord, that
   was even better than the kiss."
   And the Lord said, "You've done well Adam.  And now, I want you to make   love to Eve."
   And Adam asked, "What is 'make love', Lord?"
   So, the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind
   the bush, but this time he re-appeared in two seconds.
   And Adam said, "Lord, what is a 'headache'?"

A husband and wife are celebrating their 50th anniversary.  That night the
wife approaches her husband wearing the exact same sexy little negligee she
wore on their wedding night.  She looks at her husband and says, "Honey,do
you remember this?"
He looks up at her and says, "Yes dear, I   do.  You wore that same negligee
the night we were married."
She says, "Yes, that's right.  Do you remember what you said to me that
night." He nods and says, "Yes dear, I still remember."
"Well, what was it?" she asks.
 He responds, "Well honey, as I remember, I   said, "Ohhhhhhhhh
 Baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those big tits   and screw
your brains out."
She giggles and says, "Yes honey, that's it.  That's exactly what
you said. So, now it's 50 years later, I'm in the same negligee I
wore that   night. What do you have to say tonight?"
Again he looks up at her and looks her up and down and replies,
"Mission Accomplished."

Fashion Statement

This man is at work one day when he notices his male co - worker is
wearing an earring. This man knows his co - worker is normally a
conservative fellow and is curious about his new found "fashion sense."
     "Yo Bob, I didn't know you were into earrings."
     "Oh yea, sure," says Bob sheepishly.
     "Really, How long you been wearing one?"
     "Ever since my wife found it in our bed."

Q.  How does a man take a bubble bath?
       A.  He eats beans for dinner.

Mrs. Smith

Mrs. Smith is not feeling well, so her husband takes her to the hospital for
some tests. After a week, the husband comes back and is met by the hospital's
president.

"I'm terribly sorry to tell you this, Mr. Smith, but we made an awful
mistake. The nurse who checked your wife in just checked her in as 'Mrs.
Smith'. A day earlier she checked another woman as 'Mrs. Smith'. Now we have
two sets of results, but we don't know which one is your wife and which is
another woman. "To make matters worse, one woman has Alzheimer's and the other
AIDS..."

The husband begins to cry, "Oh my God! Alzheimer's, AIDS! AIDS, Alzheimer's!
One of them is my wife, but I don't know which one - what do I do?!?"

"Well, our distinguished committee of doctors met yesterday and we have the
solution. Take your wife home and have her walk around the block.  If she
comes back, don't fuck her!"

Women's Wear

Several years ago, the Catholic Church required women to wear a head covering
in order to enter the sanctuary.  One Sunday a lady arrived without her head
covering.  The priest informs her that she cannot enter without it.

A few moments later, the lady reappears, wearing her blouse tied to her head.
The shocked priest says, "Madam, I cannot allow you to enter this holy place
without your wearing a blouse."

"But Father, I have a divine right," she informs.

"Yes, I see.  And your left one isn't bad either, but you still must wear a
blouse to enter this church."

A Fate Better Than Death...

Three dogs are sitting in the waiting room at the vet's: a Poodle, a
Terrier and a Great Dane.  They're all discussing what they're in for.

The Terrier says, "I can't help but bite the postman, every time he  turns
up I'm after him down the path. The Post Office have complained to my
owners and they've agreed to put me to sleep."

All the dogs agree that this is a great shame.

The Poodle then states why it's at the vet's. "Every time I see a car I'm
over the fence and chasing after it. It's really great fun -- but the
problem is that a car I was chasing yesterday swerved to avoid me and
crashed, killing the driver. My owners have decided that I have to be put
down so that I don't cause any more accidents."

The Poodle and the Terrier turn to the Great Dane to hear his story.

"Well, my owner had just had a bath," says the Great Dane.  "She was
bending over in the bedroom drying her legs.  Well, boys, I just couldn't
resist it!  I climbed aboard and had my way with her."

"So are you here to be put to sleep as well then?" asked the Poodle.

"No" smiled the Great Dane, "I'm getting my nails trimmed."

 A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused.  A man
comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"
Farmer:  Some things you just can't explain.
Man:  So what happened that's so horrible?
Farmer:  Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her.  Just as  got
 the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the  bucket.
Man:  Ok, but that's not so bad.
Farmer:  Some things you just can't explain.
Man:  So what happened then?
Farmer:  I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.
Man:  and then?
Farmer:  Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her.  Just as I got
 the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the  bucket.
Man:  Again?
Farmer:  Some things you just can't explain.
Man:  So, what did you do then?
Farmer:  I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.
Man:  and then?
Farmer:  Well, I sat back down and began milking her again.  Just as got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.
Man:  Hmmm...
Farmer:  Some things you just can't explain.
Man:  So, what did you do?
Farmer:  Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt
and tied her tail to the rafter.  In that moment, my pants fell down
and my wife walked in.....

You know it's time for a diet when:

   * You dive into a swimming pool so your friends can go surfing.

   * You have to apply your makeup with a paint roller.

   * Weight Watchers demands your resignation.

   * You step on a pennyweight scale that gives you your fortune and it
     says, "One at a time please!"

   * Your face is so full that you look like you're wearing horn-rimmed
     contact lenses.

   * The bus driver asks you to sit on the other side because he wants to
     make a turn without flipping over.

   * You're at school in the classroom and turn around and erase the
     entire blackboard

   * They throw puffed rice at your wedding.

   * You hiccup in your bathing suit, and it looks like someone adjusting
     a venetian blind.

   * You fall down and try to get up, and in the process rock yourself
     to sleep.

BINGO

There was a man who had a very attractive wife, who was always  wanting
clothes, jewelry, etc., but he was not too well off and he  couldn't provide
her with the things she wanted, so he made do by doing everything she asked
around the house. One night the wife came home late, wearing a diamond
necklace. Knowing that he hadn't given her the money to buy such expensive
jewelry, he asked., "Where did you get that from?" The wife quickly replied,
"I won it at bingo, now go draw my bath." He did as she commanded and said not
another word about it. The next night the wife came home late, wearing a mink
coat. Once again, the husband became suspicious and asked, "Where did you get
that from?" The wife replied: "Same place as the necklace.  I won it at bingo.
Now go draw my bath."   Once again, he did as he was told and said not another
word about it. The next night the wife came home late again, this time driving
a brand new Mercedes Benz. The husband, overcome with suspicion asked, "Where
the Hell did you get that from?" His wife, still trying to maintain her cool,
and her control over her husband, answered, "Look!! Don't keep asking where I
get my things from!!   I told you where I get this.  I won it at bingo.  Now
go upstairs and run my  bath for me, and not another word about it!" The man
quietly went upstairs. A few moments later the wife came upstairs to find a
small amount of water  in the tub. The wife yelled from the bathroom, "How
come you put so little  water in the tub?" The husband yelled back from the
  bedroom, "I didn't want to get your bingo card wet."

TALK ABOUT CHEAP!!!

 An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman went for a round of golf and their
wives went along as caddies. While walking around the course the English Man's
wife caught her foot in a rabbit hole, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the
ground with her skirt over her head revealing that she wasn't wearing any
knickers! The Englishman stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her
state of undress. "Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little
allowance that I have to make the odd sacrifice.  Usually no one notices."
The Englishman thrusts his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a ten, go
to Mark's and Spencer's and get some knickers." Two holes further on the Irish
Man's wife caught her foot on a molehill, tripped up and landed in a heap on
the ground with her skirt over her head revealing that she wasn't wearing any
knickers either! The Irishman was livid and he angrily demanded a reason for
her lack of undergarments. "Well darling." she explained, "you give me so
little allowance I cannot afford to buy undergarments." With that the Irishman
thrust his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a fiver, go to Woolworth's
and get some knickers." Three holes further on,  the Scots man's wife caught
her foot on an exposed root, tripped up and landed with her skirt over her
head revealing that she too, did not have knickers on!  Her explanation to her
irate husband was the same as the others.  Simply a lack of allowance. So the
Scotsman thrust his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a comb, at least
you can tidy yourself up a bit."

 A woman asks her husband to buy her a fur coat for their 25th anniversary.
"HA," he snorted, "The day I buy you a fur coat will be the day you can grow
hair on your chest!"
On that she hikes up her skirt, drops her panties, and thrusts her pubic area
forward.
"There! I have hair on my chest, now buy me a fur coat."
"That's not your chest!" he roars back.
"Damn right it's my chest," she argued, "Before we got married, this was your
hope chest.  On our honeymoon, it was your treasure chest.  Afterwards it
became our family chest.  AND IF YOU DON'T BUY ME A FUR COAT, IT WILL SOON
BECOME THE COMMUNITY CHEST!"