Have
some good jokes E-mail them to WildOne
Throughout his career he had some comical moments, but one sticks out
in my
mind. It was towards the end of a Cubs game, and the camera showed
a young
couple kissing. They went back and forth between them and the
game two or
three times. They kissed each other a few times each -- first
he kissed her
and then she kissed him and back and forth. As four or five pitches
went by,
Harry thought he saw a pattern forming. In classic fashion, he
turned to his
partner Steve Stone and proclaimed on the air, "Steve, I think that
I figured
it out, He kisses her on the strikes, she kisses him on the balls!"
1. You have to keep pumping if you
want to get anywhere
2. It's best to wear protective head-gear
when going into unfamiliar territory.
3. You can do it with no hands, but
it's best not to try it until you have a lot of experience.
4. It's easier to learn with the help
of someone who has a lot of experience.
5. You can do it by yourself, but it's
usually not as much fun.
6. It's usually hard to control your
speed the first few times you try.
7. It's best to have a soft place to
land.
8. You don't need any special clothing,
but you can get some if you are really into it.
9. If you're with someone who is having
trouble keeping up, it's usually best to slow down and wait for
them..
10. Most people think it looks easy until
they try it for the first time.
11. Once you learn, you never forget how.
12. If you fall off get right back on.
13. If you get a flat, try pumping it back
up.
14. Remember to signal before you change direction.
15. Make sure that you've got a firm grip.
16. Sometimes it's nice to have a cushy seat.
17. Once you're over the top, you can just
coast the rest of the way.
18. Some of them are called Mountin' Bikes.
1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item
that she doesn't want.
2. A woman worries about the future until she gets
a husband.
A man never worries about the future
until he gets a wife.
3. A successful man is one who makes more money than
his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who
can find such a man.
4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot
& love him a little.
To be happy with a woman you must
love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.
5. Married men live longer than single men - but married men are a lot more willing to die.
6. Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to Bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the
night.
8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change
& she does.
9. A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after
that is the beginning of a new argument.
10. There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman, before marriage & after marriage.
Some people are sitting in a bar when one guy says, "My name is
Larry, and
I am a SNAG."
Another guy says, "What's that?"
The first guy says, "That means I am a Single, New Age Guy."
Another one says, "My name is Gary, and I am a DINK.
A girl asks, "What's that?"
He says, "That means I am a Double Income, No Kids."
A lady says, "That's nice. My name is Gertrude, and I am a WIFE."
Larry says, "A WIFE? What's a WIFE?" She says,
"That means, "Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."
Frank was walking down the street one day, when he runs into his
buddy Joe.
Joe asks Frank how he's doing and Frank replies: "N-N-Not b-b-bad,
b-b-but I've d-d-developed th-th-this s-s-stutter from a c-c-car
accident I was r-r-recently involved in. N-N-Now my l-l-love life
s-s-sucks, and I c-c-can't f-f-find a j-j-job."
Joe tells him of this speech therapist he knows and recommends he go
see the guy. Frank agrees and thanks him. A couple of weeks later,
they run into each other again, and Joe asks Frank how he made out.
"Thank you for the referral. He cured
me just by making me
talk slower. Now I have a good
job and I'm engaged to the
boss' daughter."
"That's excellent! Congratulations!" replied Joe, and off they went
their separate ways. Another two weeks or so pass, and once again
Frank and Joe meet on the street.
"Hey, Frank, how's it going?" asks Joe.
"Terrible," says Frank. "I'm no longer engaged and I lost my job."
"Why? What could have happened in two weeks Frank?"
"Well, the other night I was having dinner at the boss'
house
and the cat was scratching behind his ear. I said "Look,
Honey!
That's what you do to me," but by the time I finished what
I was
saying the cat was licking his balls..."
A fellow walked into his doctor's office, complaining that he thought
he
might have a tapeworm. The doctor examined the patient and listened
to the
symptoms. He concurred with the self-diagnosis.
"I want you to come back tomorrow, to start treatment.
And bring a banana and a cookie with you,"
said the doctor.
Despite the seemingly odd request, our hero complied, and returned
the
next day with a banana and a cookie. The doctor said, "Okay,
now drop your
pants and bend over. This is going to hurt a bit." Although
leery about the
turn of events, the patient dropped his pants and bent over. The doctor
peeled
the banana and with one deft motion rammed it up the guy's butt.
The doctor
consulted his watch as our hero danced around the room shouting at
the
physician. "Okay, one minute is up, and we have to complete the
second part
of the treatment if your truly want to get rid of this tapeworm," advised
doctor. Despite the pain, the patient did want to be cured, so
complied with
the order to bend over again. The doctor took the cookie and
rammed IT up the
patient's butt.
"Okay, tomorrow I want to see you here at the same time, and
bring
another banana and a cookie," ordered the doctor. The now humbled
patient,
with tears of pain in his eyes, nodded his head.
The following day, the same routine ensued. First the doctor
rammed up a
banana, waited exactly one minute, then rammed up a cookie.
And the next day, and the next day and the next!! Every
day UP went a
banana, and then after one minute, UP went a cookie.
After one full week of treatments, the doctor finally said, "Well,
tomorrow is the LAST day of treatments. I want you to bring in a banana
and a
hammer."
"Not a cookie?" asked the very frightened patient, trying to
imagine what
a hammer was going to feel like. "Nope, a hammer," confirmed
the doctor.
The last day the doctor said, "Okay, you know the routine."
So the man
drops his pants and bends over. UP goes the banana. The
doctor looked at his
watch and picked up the hammer.
One minute passed. Then two minutes. Three.
Four minutes pass.
Suddenly a little head poked out of the patient's butt, "WHERE'S
MYCOOKIE?!"
**WHAM**
Andy and Vinny golfed every Thursday for the last 12 years. They
played $100 a hole skins and would double every time there was a tie.
On this day they tied every hole up to the 7th making it worth $6400.
Andy
parred the hole and Vinny had a 14 foot putt for birdie to win, or
two putt to
tie, but three putts and he would lose the $6400. He took about
ten minutes
to line up his putt. He inspected every blade of grass between his
ball and
the cup. He cleaned up every speck of debris, and stood over his ball
for
almost two minutes and slowly started his back swing. Suddenly a funeral
procession started passing.
Vinny took off his cap, lowered his head, and when the cars had
passed
he made a sign of the cross on his body and then stood over the ball
again. "
Vinny !" Andy said,"that's the most gracious thing I'' ve ever seen."
and Vinny replied, "Well, we were married 25 years last Tuesday!"
Did you hear about the woman who was married to a succession of three
Microsoft employees and still died a virgin? Her first husband was
in
Training, and kept teaching her how to do it herself. The second was
in Sales,
and kept telling her how good it was going to be. And the third was
in Tech
Support, and kept saying "Don't worry, it'll be up any minute now...."
We demand speed laws that will stop fast driving, then won't buy a
car if it can't go over 100 miles an hour.
We know the line-up of every baseball team in the American and
National Leagues but mumble through half the words in the "Star
Spangled Banner".
We'll spend half a day looking for vitamin pills to make us live
longer, then drive 90 miles an hour on slick pavement to make up for
lost time.
We tie up our dog while letting our sixteen year old son run wild.
We whip any enemy in battle, then give them the shirt off our backs.
We will work hard on a farm so we can move into town where we can
make more money so we can move back to the farm.
We run from morning to night trying to keep our "earning power" up
with our "yearning power."
We get upset we're spending over a billion dollars for education, but
spend three billion dollars a year for cigarettes.
In the office we talk about baseball, shopping or fishing, but when
we
are out at the game, the mall or on the lake, we talk about business.
We're supposed to be the most civilized Christian nation on earth, but
we still can't deliver payrolls without an armored car.
We have more experts on marriage than any other country in the world
and still have more divorces.
We're the country that has more food to eat than any other country in
the world and more diets to keep us from eating it.
One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner came down from
the
mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town. "I'm
lookin' for
the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!" he said to
the
bartender.
"We got her!" replied the barkeep. "She's upstairs in the second
room on
the right."
The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the whore and
two
beers. He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked open the
second
door on the right and yelled, "I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest
and
toughest whore in the Yukon!"
The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, "You found her!"
Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles.
"How do you know I want to do it in that position?" asked the miner.
"I don't," replied the whore, "but I thought you might like to open
those
beers first."
A minister was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners who he knew
as
being an unkempt housekeeper. When he sat down at the table, he noticed
that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life.
"Were these dishes ever washed?" he asked his hostess, running his
fingers over the grit and grime.
She replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them".
He felt a bit apprehensive, but blessed the food anyway and started
eating. It was really delicious and he said so, despite the dirty
dishes.
When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and barked,
"Here Soap! Here Water!"
A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping
on
Rodeo Drive and said "I haven't eaten anything in
four days."
She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I
had your willpower."
Attempt the following questions on "WHO IS BIGGER?" before scrolling
down for
the answers. If you answer the first question correctly, your IQ is
of Mensa
standard. If you answer the second question correctly, your IQ is above
average and could run a country. If you have both the answers wrong
-
Congratulations! You are normal!
Question 1
==========
There is a man whose surname is BIGGER. His name was John
and he was known
as Mr John Bigger. Mr Bigger met a gorgeous lady, Lucy and decided
to marry
her. They soon have a kid and they named him Mikey.
The question: WHO IS BIGGER? Is it Mr Bigger, Mrs Bigger or
Mikey???
Answer: Mikey - because he is a "little" Bigger.
Question 2
==========
It was tragic that Mr Bigger got into an accident and he passed
away leaving
behind his wife, his son Mike. Mrs Bigger subsequently met a new man;
dashing
and caring towards both of them. The best part was that this
man bears the
same surname as her ex-husband which was "BIGGER". She decided to marry
him.
The question: WHO IS BIGGER? Is it Mrs Bigger, Mike Bigger or
the new man in
Mrs Bigger's life - the new Mr Bigger?
Answer: Mrs Bigger - She is now "twice" Bigger.
NOW, WHAT ARE YOU?
Was that fun or what???
A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking
to his lawyer.
“If I lose this case, I’ll be ruined.”
“It’s in the judge’s hands now,” said the lawyer.
“Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?”
“Oh no! This judge is a stickler or ethical behavior.
A stunt like that would prejudice him against you.
He might even hold you in contempt of court.
In fact, you shouldn’t even smile at the judge.”
Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision
in favor of the defendant.
As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer,
“Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!”
“I’m sure we would have lost the case if you’d sent them.”
“But I did send them.”
“What?? You did???”
“Yes. That’s how we won the case.”
“I don’t understand,” said the lawyer.
“It’s easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but
enclosed the plaintiff’s
business card.
An Arab has spent many days crossing the desert without finding a
source of
water. It gets so bad that his camel dies of thirst. He's
crawling through
the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of
a sudden he
sees a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of
him. He
crawls to the object, pulls is out of the sand, and discovers that
he as a
Manischevitz wine bottle. It appears that there may be
a drop or two left in
the bottle, so he unscrews the top and out pops a genie. But
this is no
ordinary genie. This genie appears to be a Chasidic rabbi, complete
with
black alpaca coat, black hat, side curls, etc.
"Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You
have three
wishes."
"I'm not going to trust you," says the Arab. "I'm not going to
trust a
Jewish genie!"
"What do you have to lose? It looks like you're a goner anyway!"
The Arab thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie
is right.
"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."
***POOF***
The Arab finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen.
And he
is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
"OK, kid, what's your second wish?"
"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."
***POOF***
The Arab finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare
gold
coins and precious gems. OK, kid, you have just one more wish.
Better make it
a good one!" After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab
says: "I wish I were
white and surrounded by beautiful women."
***POOF***
The Arab is turned into a Tampax.
The moral of the story is:
If you do business with a Jewish genie, there's going to be a string
attached.
The farmboy goes to the big city for a better life. A hooker picks him
up and
they go to a cheap motel for the night. As they are about to go to
bed, she
hands him a condom and asks him to put it on. He looks very confused,
so she
demonstrates on her forefinger. They are well into their lovemaking
when she
suddenly realizes he's not wearing the condom, so she turns on the
light and
asks him, "Aren't you wearing the condom, like I showed you?"
He replies,
"Sure am, ma'am", and he shows her his forefinger with the condom on
it.
Did you hear about the lesbian swimmer who was thrown out of the Olympics?
She kept lapping the other swimmers.
Two kids were having the standard argument about
whose father could beat up whose father.
One boy said, "My father is better than your father."
The other kid said, "Well, my mother is better than
your mother."
The first boy paused, "I guess you're right. My
father says the same thing."
Did you hear that Captain Hook died from jock itch?
Snow White saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up behind him,
knocked him flat on his back, and then sat on his face crying, "Lie to me! Lie to me!"
Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods when suddenly
the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree. Holding a machete to her
throat, hesaid, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!"
To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic
basket and pulled out a .44 magnum and pointed it at him and
said, "No you're not!
You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book!"
Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court and the judge
said to > Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy."
Mickey replied, "No I didn't. I said she is fuckin' Goofy."
Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain
about splinters
whenever they had sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto
to see if he could help.
Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated
and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.
A couple of weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily
through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?" Pinocchio
replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?
A woman works in an office setting. Every morning
a man she works with
comes in and sticks his nose in her hair, backs away and exclaims "Boy,
your hair smells GREAT!". This became a regular occurrence, and
began to
annoy the woman. Day after day this went on.
Finally she decided to report him to the Director of Human resources.
She said to him," I would like to file a sexual harassment charge!"
"What do you base this on?" replied the HR Manager.
"Well, you see, every morning a man she works with comes in and sticks
his nose in her hair, backs away and exclaims "Boy, your hair smells
GREAT!".
"I'm afraid that this doesn't sound like much of a case." said the
HR.
"Well, would it bolster my case if you knew the guy was a midget?"retorted
the woman.
A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when
they came upon a cave. Written on the wall of the cave
were the following symbols in order of appearance.
1. A dog
2. A donkey
3. A shovel
4. A fish
5. A Star of David
They decided that this was a unique find and the writings
were at least more than three thousand years old. They
chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the
museum where archaeologists from all over the world came
to study the ancient symbols.
They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to
discuss what they could agree was the meaning of the markings.
The President of their Society stood up and pointed at the
first drawing and said, "This looks like a dog. We can judge
that this was a highly intelligent race as they knew how to
have animals for companionship. To prove this statement you
can see that the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they
were even smart enough to have animals help them till the
soil. The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort,
which means they even had tools to help them.
Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish
which means that they had a famine that hit the earth whereby
the food didn't grow, they would take to the sea for food.
The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means
they were evidently Hebrews."
The audience applauded enthusiastically and the President
smiled and said, "I'm glad to see that you are all in full
agreement with our interpretations."
Suddenly a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of
the room and said, "I object to every word. The explanation
of what the writings say is quite simple. First of all,
everyone knows that Hebrews don't read from left to right,
but from right to left... Now, look again... It now says,
"HOLY MACKEREL, DIG THE ASS ON THAT BITCH
One day a twelve year old walks into a bordello dragging a dead
frog on a string behind him, slaps a hundred dollar bill on the counter
and
says, "I want one of your women."
The madam looks at him and says, "Don't you think you're a bit young
for
that?" He slaps another hundred on the counter and says, "I want one
of your
women." The madam says, "Okay, have a seat, she'll be down in about
thirty
minutes." He slaps another hundred on the counter and says, "She has
to have
active herpes." The madam starts to sputter and ask why, but he slaps
another
hundred on the counter and says, "Active herpes." She responds, "Okay,
have a
seat - it'll be about five minutes." Two minutes later, a woman comes
out, and
they go upstairs (dragging this dead frog) and do their deal...
As he's leaving, the madam asks him, "Okay, why did you want someone
with
active herpes?"
The twelve year old replies, "When I get home, I'm going to sleep with
the
baby-sitter, and when Mom and Dad get home, Dad will take the baby-sitter
to
her home and sleep with her on the way. Then, when he gets back, he
and Mom
are going to go upstairs and do it. And tomorrow morning after Dad
goes to
work, the milkman will come in and Mom will sleep with him..."
"And he's the bastard that ran over my frog."
The next day she went into the room, and she saw, in larger letters,
the word 'penis' again on the blackboard. Again, she looked around
in
vain for the culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the
day's lesson.
Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and
found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day's
word, larger
than the previous day's word.
Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same
word on the board, but instead, found the words:
"The more you rub it, the bigger it gets"
An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall.
He
called in a famous artist. Describing what he wanted, the billionaire
said, "I am a history buff and I would like your interpretation of
the last
thing that went through Custer's mind before he died. I am going
out of
town on business for a week, and when I return, I expect it to be
completed."
Upon his return, the billionaire went to the library to examine the
new
mural. To his surprise, what he found was a painting of a cow
with a halo,
surrounded by hundreds of Indians in various stages and positions of
making love. Furious, he called the artist in.
"What the hell is this?" screamed the billionaire.
Why, that's exactly what you asked for." said the artist smugly.
"No. I didn't ask for pornographic filth! What I asked for
was your
interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer's mind."
"And there you have it," said the artist. "I call it: Holy Cow. Look at all those Fucking Indians!!!"
The newlyweds were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night.
As
they undressed for bed, the big, burly husband tossed his pants
to
his bride and said, "Here, put these on."
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her
body. "I can't
wear your pants," she said. "That's right," said
the husband, "and
don't you forget it. I'm the man and I wear the
pants in this family!"
With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these
on." He tried
them on and found he could only get them on as far as
his kneecap.
"Hell," he said, "I can't get into your panties."
"That's right," she said, "and that's the way it's going
to be until your
attitude changes!"
A small boy was awakened in the middle of the night by strange
noises from his
parents room, and he decided to investigate. As he entered
their bedroom, he
was shocked to see his mom and dad making love. "DAD!" he shouted,
"What are you doing?"
"It's OK." replied his father. "You're mother want's a baby,that's
all.
The small boy, excited at the prospect of a new baby brother, was pleased
and went back to bed with a smile on his face.
Several weeks later, the little boy was walking past the bathroom
and was shocked to discover his mother sucking furiously on his father's
member.
"DAD!" he shouted "What are you doing now?"
"Son, there's been a change of plan." his dad replied.
"Your mother did want a baby, but now she wants a BMW."
Q: What's so good about an Ethiopian blowjob?
A: You know she'll swallow.
Q: Why don't they teach driver's education and sex education on the
same day in Iraq?
A: They don't want to wear out the camel.
Q: What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A: A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
Q: What are three words you dread the most while making love?
A: "Honey, I'm home."
Q: What do you get if you cross a Hell's Angel with a Jehovah's Witness?
A: Some one who knocks on your door on a Sunday morning and tells YOU
to fuck off!
Q: Do you know why women fake orgasm?
A: Because men fake foreplay.
Q: What's the difference between white fairy tales and black fairy tales?
A: White fairy tales starts, "Once upon a time....". Black fairy
tales
starts, "Yo, you motherfuckers don't believe this shit....."
Q: What's the difference between getting a divorce and getting circumcised?
A: When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick!
Q: A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think
of?
A: Dating children.
Q: What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golfball?
A: A guy will actually search for a golfball.
Q: Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?
A: She knows she's given her last blow job.
Q: Who is the most popular man at the Nudist Colony?
A: The man who can carry two cups of coffee and 12 donuts.
Q: Who is the most popular woman at the Nudist Colony?
A: The woman who can eat the last two donuts.......
Q. Why do mice have small balls?
A. Because so few of them can dance.
Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A: It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?
A masked man walks into a sperm bank, points a gun at the woman
behind
the counter and shouts, "open the safe!"
"But this is not a real bank!" the woman replies "it's a *sperm*
bank."
"Open the safe or I'll shoot!" the man shouts.
The woman, now terrified, opens the safe.
"Now take one of the bottles and drink it.", he says.
"But sir, these are sperm samples!" the woman replies.
"Just drink it or I'll shoot!"
The woman opens the bottle and drinks the lot. "Now take another
bottle and drink it."
"But sir, I just drank one!"
"Drink another one or I'll shoot you!"
The woman has no alternative and drinks a second bottle. When
she has
emptied it the man now takes off his mask and the woman is surprised
to see the robber is her husband.
"Now you see, Honey", he says, "it isn't so difficult, is it?
A truck driver came upon a couple making passionate love in the
middle
of the road. He blew his horn, blinked his lights and yet the
couple
never missed a stroke! The driver stopped, got out and shouted at them,
"Are you crazy, didn't you here my horn, see my lights, didn't you
know I
was coming?" The horny young man said, "Yes, I knew you were coming!
I knew
she was coming and I knew I was coming! I also knew you were the only
one
here with brakes!
Two elderly Scottish nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat and one
says
to the other, "I hear that the occupants of this country actually eat
dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America,
we
might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically,
the mother
superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards it.
"Two
dogs, please," says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige
and he
wraps both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurry over to
a bench and
begin to unwrap their 'dogs.' The mother superior is first to
open hers,
then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers
cautiously, "What part did you get?"
A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, come in on
a fairly regular basis.
After the second week, he made his move. "No thank you." she said politely.
"This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping
myself pure until I meet the man I love."
"That must be rather difficult." the man replied.
"Oh, I don't mind too much." she said. "But, it has my husband
pretty upset "
One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts.
I guess I should see a doctor.
His friend offered, "Don't do that!!! There's a computer
at the drug store that can diagnose anything, quicker and cheaper
than a doctor.
Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose
your
problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only cost $10.00."
Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a
urine
sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer,
he poured in
the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making
some
noises and the various lights started flashing. After a brief
pause,
out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak you arm in warm water. Avoid heavy
labor.
It will be better in two weeks."
Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology
was and
how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder
if this
machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try.
He mixed together some tap water, stool sample from his dog,
and urine
samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated
into
the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located
the machine,
poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine
again made
the usual noises and printed out the following analysis:
Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog
has worms. Give him vitamins.
Your daughter's using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
Your wife is pregnant--twin girls. They aren't yours. Get
a lawyer.
And if you don't stop jerking off Your tennis elbow will never get better.
An old Jewish man was once on the subway and he sat down
next to a
younger man. He noticed that the young man had a
strange kind of
shirt collar. Having never seen a priest before,
he asked the man,
"Excuse me sir, but why do you have your shirt collar
on backwards?"
The priest became a bit flustered but politely answered,
"I wear
this collar because I am a Father."
The Jewish man thought a second and responded, "Sir I am
also a
Father but I wear my collar front-ways. Why do you wear
your collar
so differently?"
The priest thought for a minute and said "Sir, I am the Father for many."
The Jewish man quickly answered, "I am the Father of many,
too. I
have four sons, four daughters and more grandchildren
than I can
count. Still, I wear my collar just like everybody
else. Why do
you wear it your way?"
The priest who was beginning to get exasperated thought
and then
blurted out, "Sir, I am the Father to hundreds of people."
The Jewish man was taken aback and was silent for a long
time. As
he got up to leave the subway train, he leaned over to
the priest
and said, "Mister, maybe you should wear your pants backwards."
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