When a child is being abused, the mind is capable
of assessing which method will most effectively protect the child
from danger. For children, most often fight or flight responses are
not available. The child then is left with one response – play dead.
This is important because it can help us understand why we might not
have done anything to stop the abuse from happening. It can also explain
why when we are in present dangerous situations we simply freeze.
When an animal in the wild is attacked, it either
runs away or turns to fight. If neither option is available, or not
working, the animal will then curl up into a ball or lie down on the
ground and pretend it is dead so that the attacking animal will hopefully
lose interest and leave it alone. This is an automatic response to danger
and it serves the purpose of helping the animal survive. Children and
other victims of abuse do the same thing. They play dead. And that is
a NORMAL response.
To understand the response better we need to
look at specific components of the behavior. First there is a freezing
of bodily actions. The animal will drop to the ground and remain immobile.
It will stay in one position without moving as long as the danger
is around. The attacker may come close and sniff or even touch the
victim checking to see if it is still alive. Most animals will lose
interest if they think the animal is dead.
Now part of trying to fool the attacker into believing
that you are dead is to remain immobile. This means that you can’t exactly
have your body moving up and down as you breathe. So the nervous system
sends a message to the lungs – SHALLOW BREATH. Usually this starts with
a huge intake of air and then the body will slow down its breathing and
only allow enough air into the lungs to sustain life but not enough to
tip off the attacker that you are still alive.
Now, stop and think about it. When you were
scared, do you remember doing this? I do. My mind might have been going
a mile a minute but my body was in this frozen state. And since
abuse was a regular part of my childhood, I was in that state a lot of
the time. Shallow breathing became the only kind of breathing I ever
knew.
In fact, just reading this, notice if you are
doing it? Now try to take a deep breath. This used to hurt me. I had
spent so many years not breathing properly, that it would actually hurt
to try to get air down to the bottom of my lungs. Try inhaling . . . and
without letting it out inhale again . . . and again. Keep doing that until
you can’t put anymore air in there. Then slowly let it out. You’ll notice
that as you inhale your body should move up. If you feel pain do this slowly.
The bottom of your lungs may have been crushed down over your diaphragm
for a long, long time. Practice this whenever you think about it. Just breathe
in and in and in and fill up the lungs. Notice how it feels in your body
and your back. Notice too, what might be happening to your thinking.
Your brain needs oxygen to think clearly. Without enough oxygen you get
slowed down - a necessary part of the play dead response.
Ok Now feel your body it its normal state --
little air and probably slouched over if you’re like I was. Breath in
and in and in and let it out in one big whooosh. Let yourself feel this.
What it is like? This is important because when we get scared today
we often get into that frozen play-dead mode. And then we get angry at
ourselves for just standing there and taking abuse from somebody. Well,
first remind yourself that it is an automatic response to danger, that
has been reinforced through a lot of abuse. Now remember that whooosh.
That’s how to unfreeze yourself. You have to exhale and the faster
and louder you do that the faster you will unfreeze. We need to focus
on our ability to resume normal breathing to be able to move and then learning
other ways to deal with danger will become available to us.
So practice. Breathe in and in and in and whooosh.
Yell if you want. A good word to yell to break the freezing is
. . . NO or STOP. The more you practice this in non-stressful situations
the more likely you will be able to think about it when you need it
the most. The reality is that we are not in those abusive situations
anymore. And if there is some form of abuse in your life now remember
you are not a child now. You do have more options today than you had
as a child.
