|
|
|
Many of
the women that I talk to have spent a lot of time looking for a good
therapist. Sadly, many have not been helped by the professionals they
have seen (See:
Needs Assessment for Adult Incest Survivors)
or worse still, some have been abused
by therapists. Finding good therapy and support as you heal is important
and can require effort on your part to find someone you can feel comfortable
with, safe and with whom you can work.
You will be talking about things that are highly personal and perhaps you have never told some of these things to anyone before. Having your trust violated and betrayed in the past can make it difficult to try to trust anyone again. You may have told people before only to find it thrown back at you or have found out that your secrets have been told to others. Or you made have been made fun of or your experiences minimized. Finding help to deal with your abuse experiences is important to your healing. Building a good support system is essential to help you through the process. A good support network can include a lot of different elements. Supportive friends and family, perhaps a self-help group or group counseling and individual counseling can provide the needed help when things get difficult. Reading information about the type of abuse you have experienced as well as information on the recovery process will give you an idea of what to expect and make the process less overwhelming and scary. A lot of people are intimidated by therapists. Usually we go see a therapist when we are feeling most vulnerable. That makes it difficult to feel like an equal when meeting prospective therapists. The reality is that you are hiring somebody to do a job for you. You want somebody who is qualified, knowledgeable and understanding. You also need somebody who will see the therapeutic relationship as a partnership. You do not give up your rights to make decisions for your life. The therapist is a guide not a dictator (those are the abusive ones). Together you work as a team trying to deal with the various problems and issues that have been created as a result of the abuse. You need to interview this person to whom you are going to tell your innermost secrets to. Some therapists hate this. They think that since they have the education, they are the best judge of what you need. If you meet one like this RUN . . . FAST. A good sense of humor helps too, since there is so much pain. A little humor can help relieve the tension a lot of the time. Ever notice how when you're really nervous you start laughing inappropriately? Another really important thing to know about is how much does this person understand about abuse issues. Some people (therapists) included blame the victim, or think you should keep the family together no matter what. Some therapists think they know what's wrong with you and start telling you how to run your life or decide for you what kind of abuse you've been through. Some want to get everybody on pills to hide the problems. While there might be situations where medication is necessary, it should never replace good solid counseling. Some therapists are survivors themselves. This can be an excellent choice of therapist IF the person has dealt with their own issues. If they haven't then it is very likely they won't be able to help you. But a therapist/survivor who has done their own healing work, can understand the process in a way that many others cannot. This does not mean that a person who has not been abused cannot be a good therapist. Many are. They just bring different things into the process. Either way, it can be helpful. Some therapists won't disclose their personal history. Then it depends on your comfort level about knowing or not knowing. If it becomes an issue then perhaps you need to find somebody else. Therapy is a place where you get to practice new skills for dealing with problems and situations. You should be able to tell a good therapist when you are uncomfortable with something that is happening in the therapeutic relationship. Some therapists will always place the blame on the client. This is abuse. Nobody is always right, therapists included. If you are feeling uncomfortable, you need to talk about it. If the therapist does put the blame on you (You misunderstood; That's not what happened; That's only your past talking) leave. This is your opportunity to take back your power. Anybody who refuses to admit they make mistakes is a potential abuser (emotionally) and that's what you're there to learn to change -- how to take care of yourself and how to get out of abusive relationships. You might also want to ask how much experience they have in dealing with abuse issues, how long they have been working and how long they have been working with the kind of abuse you have experienced? What books have they read? Do they recommend reading, journaling, art therapy, self-help groups? Do they do family or couple counseling when needed? What are their fees, cancellation rules, contact outside of office hours? Can you contact them in an emergency? How? What is important here is that you both understand how you will work together. It is something you negotiate together. Problems get discussed. Slowly you learn that you have a voice in the therapeutic relationship. After that you go out into the world and use what you have learned on relationships in your life. Good Luck and take good care of yourself. |