One of the hardest parts of recovery is taking an honest hard look at ourselves. Many of us either blame ourselves for everything that has ever gone wrong around us or we blame everybody else. Neither is healthy -- for others or for ourselves.

While as children we were not responsible for what happened to us, recovery as adults is about learning to make choices and learning from the mistakes we make. Recovery as an adult is about trying new things and acknowledging when the old ways just keep us stuck in the same old situations. It also means learning to look at how we sabotage ourselves and how we continue to get into the same type of situation over and over instead of learning what it is we need to know to stop the patterns from repeating themselves. We are not responsible for somebody else’s abusive behavior but we are responsible for staying there and not learning to protect ourselves.

Does this seem harsh? It is. That is because it is so difficult to be really honest and recognize that we have done everything we can, that we cannot change others and that the only one we can change is ourselves.

Looking at a situation from the perspective of  Why did I stay there so long? What did I do to contribute to the problem? How did I get into this to begin with? What part of my ego got stroked by being in this situation? What needs was I hoping to get  met? How much did I have to sacrifice? And what did I get in return? And has it been worth it? Really?

Hard questions all. And the focus has to be on ME not on the others involved.

Too often people think that recovery is something that you do once and it is over. Recovery is like peeling an onion. There are many layers and as we peel through each layer we cry a bit or a lot. Each layer can be a feeling or particular memory. It can be a life stage. (For example I could not deal with my father’s death until he actually died. I can not deal with parenting problems until I am a parent). And with each layer we get closer to that core. But eventually we get to the  inner core. Then we get to sculpt a piece of art --  the fine tuning of recovery.