Survivors of abuse generally have a wide
range of difficulties establishing and maintaining long-term relationships.
Not having a healthy role model for a healthy relationship they frequently
fall into situations that closely mirror the marriage of their parents.
Each person in the relationship brings with them
a model of the parents’ relationships. Even when people consciously decide
not to repeat their parents mistakes they often unconsciously do just
that. Each person brings their own needs, wants, expectations, desires
and fantasies into the relationship. People are also attracted to what
they are familiar with even when it is toxic or abusive. So many survivors
find themselves in unhealthy relationships as adults and can’t figure out
how this happened to them again.
Frequently when I see people in my office one person
in the couple starts counseling. They become identified as the one with
the problem while the other person presumably is OK. This is rarely the
case. Most likely both have come from dysfunctional families and both
bring their own unhealthy patterns into the relationship.
It is very common for communication problems to
abound in these relationships. Most often their families of origin had
major problems communicating effectively with one another. Fear, anger,
silence were often the methods used to control members of the family. These
get carried into the new relationship and both parties must work to develop
healthy communication.
Learning how to deal with feelings in an open and
honest way is also very important for survivors. To be able to do this each
person must overcome their past learnings about expressing feelings and
talking about them.
Learning about boundaries, intimacy, conflict resolution
and commitment are all essential for learning how to have a healthy relationship.
No relationship is perfect but there is a lot that
can be learned to improve the health of the relationship and happiness of
the couple.
