I was introduced to the JWs when I was 11 years old when my mother starting studying with them. Within a year I asked to be baptized but was told I should wait until I was older. Shortly after problems at home resulted in my being placed in a foster home in another city. I lost touch with my family and the JWs for three years.

During that time I remembered what I had been taught and in school acted the part of a faithful Witness girl. Other Witness kids who never saw me at a meeting never asked me why I took the stand I did (refusing to salute the flag etc.) but I joined them in the hall regularly.

At 16 years old I returned to live with my mother who by this time was baptized and immediately became involved again and within a year was baptized and in one more year I was married to a new convert (not my choice but rather "encouraged" by my mother).

I lived for fifteen years in this abusive marriage to a man who slowly rose to elder in the congregation. He was looked up to and was respected by the others in the congregation. My life was spent trying my best to hide the abuse at home (emotional, spiritual and sexual towards me and physical abuse towards the children) and I created the belief that we were the perfect Witness family (2 daughters). Vacations involved trips to Bethel or to visit other Witnesses. My supporting him allowed him to regularly vacation pioneer and spent all his time ministering to the flock and ignoring the family.

I regularly suffered from depression as a result of the abuse at home and the long-term effects of abuse as a child (pre-Witness). Added stress of being an elders wife and trying to be perfectly happy drove me to serious thoughts of suicide.

My husband's sexual demands were perverted and disgusting to me but he insisted on them continually and repeatedly tried to force some of his demands on me. He used the Bible to tell me that it was my obligation as a wife to satisfy his sexual demands and that if I did not he would be forced to commit adultery. I was also reminded that if he did commit adultery it would be my fault and his blood would be on my hands.

I felt dirty and ashamed. Used and abused. And believed no one would listen to me or believe me. So I stayed quiet for many years. I finally realized there were two ways out death by suicide or adultery. We tried a separation for a short period of time but he would come to the house and yell and try to get in demanding that I take care of his sexual needs and then he would leave.

To deal with this my reasoning went like this:

• If I commit suicide I will be dead, my kids will be alone, and God will not forgive me.
• If I commit suicide he will be free to remarry (that way I will not be responsible if he commits adultery and therefore his blood will not be on my hands) and he will have to stop bothering me PLUS hopefully God will eventually forgive me.
• If I just left him he would commit adultery and I would be responsible and of course God would not forgive me.

Sounds convoluted and it was and it took me two years to figure out what to do.

I committed adultery with an almost stranger which turned into a rape -- date rape I suppose. I had the power to be free but was too scared to tell for another year. My suicidal thoughts got worse and worse until finally I had no choice but to tell which of course brought the elders running full force.

Now I wasn't in the best of shape to begin with and the whole ordeal of the Judicial Committee really wore me down. At one point my husband knew I was going to tell the truth about his sexual demands so he "stepped down" as elder on the pretext that he needed to spend more time with his family. When the elders met with us HE told them what he had done to me and about his sexual demands (I think he figured that if he told it would look better).

Well they disfellowshipped me for a one time experience and white-washed the whole thing for his fifteen years of sexual abuse to me. About five years later I went to one of the elders to ask about reinstatement and I was told there was nothing in my husband's file about his statements and he did not recall my husband ever saying such things. (In the meantime my now ex-husband remarried a sister in the congregation) . I never went back.

About five years ago a friend asked me some questions about the Witnesses but I knew nothing about the things she was asking. So I started doing some research. What an eye-opener.

I knew I was treading on dangerous ground to read this material. Does this sound strange -- that I should still be scared after ten years out to read apostate literature. Well I still believed they had the truth even though I had no faith in the elders. So I was scared but I didn't let the fear stop me. I read and read and read -- everything I could get my hands on.

Now during those fifteen years out I had gone back to school and became a counselor working with incest survivors. I became an expert on abuse but most of the literature I read was about physical or sexual abuse -- nothing about psychological abuse or spiritual abuse. As a part of my work I started reading information about cults and found the gold at the end of the rainbow. My ex-husband was a psychological and spiritual abuser and the organization I was in used the exact same techniques as any abuser in any family. Abuse is abuse and it doesn't matter who is doing it whether an individual or an organization. The Watchtower organization is no different than any abuser. They use fear and threats and intimidation and manipulation and perversions of the truth to control their victims.

Well I no longer live with abuse in my daily life and I no longer live with abuse in my spiritual life. I know the truth and it is not what the JWs teach.

I am FREE!