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Our Child-Minding philosophies when we borrow kids...It was put to us in an ugly email (from someone in the US we didn't know) that "people like you shouldn't allowed near children" (sic). They went on to claim the girls were in mortal moral danger, that they would probably "turn lesbian" and that we were "no doubt extremely indulgent so that you promote your lifestyle to them". Yeah, sure... and you are an idiot.The question of the girls sexuality is absolutely a non-issue with us. We know that the research is very clear and has disproved any influence factors. Even children with mothers living entirely in a lesbian relationship (or adoptive gay fathers etc) are gay in the usual proportion. The only difference seen with such children is that they grow up with a better understanding of people's differences and more tolerant attitudes (ie they are less racist, sexist or homophobic). The one thing we do work for is that the girls never experience any anguish should they actually be gay later in life. No-one in this family is going to put them down or make them feel unable to talk about it and they are growing up with both gay and straight role models (on both sides).We are also quite happy to support the girls in their gender identification as girls and to help let them see that gender has nothing to do with what hobbies they should like or - later- what subjects they should study or what career they should choose. That will be entirely up to them, our job is to see they get the opportunity to safely try new things and to support them if they show talent or a desire to further it. Our attitudes to boys are the same.On the question of indulgence this can be answered in two parts. Firstly we are extremely indulgent when it comes to making them feel loved and secure. If they want a hug or a kiss then they will get it. If they want to snuggle up in our lap, they know we will not push them away. If they want to read a book with us, we will do it. If they want a horse-back ride, then (providing the moment is appropriate) we will get down on our hands and knees and give it to them!On the other side we are far from indulgent when it comes to buying toys or junk-food. They have sufficient of both, but not frequently or as a substitute for our own laziness. Keeping two young kids "amused" takes a lot of time and can become very tiring - but that's our problem and not theirs. There's time for games, and there's time for fun; but there's also time to help clean the house and to help prepare the meals. Provided it is done with the right spirit from us the girls seem to enjoy (nearly) all the things we do together.Of course, there's another aspect to raising children and that's directing them into "correct" social behaviour.Some people feel they need only ram religion down a child's throat and that is enough to ensure they will be a "good" person. No, it is not. Of more basic importance is that they learn the twin attributes of both standing on your own feet and being mindful of others. Independence without caring for others is self-centred. Caring only about what other's think and not having a mind of your own would do nothing other than make you a life-long victim. Later they may well find a religious code that helps them balance these twin attributes, but firstly they must know what those attributes are. Any religion without understanding those basics is mere brainwashing, suitable only to establish cults.So, there's "no tolerance of intolerant behaviour"! If another child is behaving badly toward them the girls are taught to firstly give the child an opportunity to desist and then to stand up for themself. Using violence - of any form, or even garnered from others - is taught as a very poor way to deal with situations, no matter how frustrating the situation may be. Defending oneself must be both measured and controlled; and only to the point of no longer being required.On this we do not take a hypocritical stance. We do not use abusive language, or put-downs and we certainly do not hit the girls. We would only consider doing so if there was no other approach and if they were in great physical danger through us failing to hit them. Calling it "smacking" or "chastisement" is to our minds a cop out. It's hitting, pure and simple. And it's using violence to achieve your own wishes.[Often forgotten in all the nonsense about "tough love" and "spare the rod, spoil the child" is that so-called "tough-love" rarely comes across as anything but to either the recipient or to outsiders and that the rod referred to is the shepherd's crook. Shepherds do not use their crook to hit their sheep, it merely being used to guide the sheep's direction or to restrain it.]Sure, the girls may temporarily alter their behaviour and they would learn we can hit hard (and come to fear that) but resorting to violence is a bad lesson for anyone to learn and it usually overwhelms the real lesson. We have never hit them, never had occasion to hit them and - frankly - would consider ourselves as having failed in some other way if we were to ever have to hit them.- If Shannon insists on wearing stupid slippery shoes out shopping, then it is her look-out when she falls over in the Supermarket. Falling flat on her bum is her problem - no real harm done (except to her dignity!) and maybe next time she won't think the tap-shoes are suitable street shoes. Until then, we will ignore the annoying and attention seeking tap-tap-tap.
- If we know Rebecca will have a turn because we won't put the TV on during the day then it is up to us to ensure other activities are possible. It's amazing how many hours you can spend on a wet day with nothing more than a few blankets, chairs and the kitchen pots and pans! Hey girls - let's make our own play house! Bored? Then do something!
There is so much to do in this great big World and so much we, as their Uncles, can enable them to experience. Even the simple pleasures of visiting a cafe in Prahran, or taking the tram down to St Kilda can be a wonderful adventure and it gives us so much pleasure (and pride) to see the joy on their faces whenever a "new thing" happens and they master it.In ending, we are both strict in some ways and utterly indulgent in others. Some things are not allowed, some things are allowed at the right time and some things are freely available. Through this we hope to model good behaviour and to encourage them to likewise behave well. Producing honest, happy and caring fellow citizens is the ultimate aim.The truth be said - they are both well behaved kids and give us little cause for grief.
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Above: Only four other people are permitted to touch Dale's hair - Grant, Dale's haircutter and the girls. Here they are doing him over at their Salon on Xmas day, 1997. You should try get hair clips stay put in short and waxed hair...
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