Selected ramblings

History: bits and pieces from my diary, page 1

page 2
page 3
page 4
page 5
page 6
page 7

Awakening

Autumn 1993: I'd found I wasn't one of a kind (what a relief!) and before the New Year, I'd developed a crush on a girl (I'll just call her "G") – who I knew was bi. There were other bi girls, but this one was... different. Exciting. Wild. And... beautiful (hey, I'm just an aesthete). That crush developed into something more serious, but I was never more than a friend to her; I didn't want to be more... and more importantly, didn't have the guts to even try to be more.

Winter 1994:

'...I was sitting there quite comfortably when all of a sudden she came to me, hugged my shoulders from behind and began to talk. She was drunk – I figured she was feeling shitty and maybe wanted to ease her mind. I wasn't really paying much attention; I said some comforting words and put my hands over her arms. Then I heard her say, "...and you know, I really do love you."

'I was startled and my thoughts began to race. She kept going about it – how, when, why – and I couldn't say anything appropriate; I was too confused. Hell, sure I liked her, a lot, but I'd never thought about it that way... and now I didn't know whether I should have been glad or told her I didn't love her. In any case, to hurt her feelings was the last thing I wanted to do, so I spent the rest of the night with her – talking, drinking, holding hands, kissing... For the first time she didn't kiss me so hard that my lips bled – and man, she tasted good!

'We got back when the little pub closed and I went to my room after we'd said good night. My roomie was fast asleep, so she didn't hear when K knocked and I let her in. She wanted to sleep with me and asked me to go to her room. I said it was OK, but that I really wanted to sleep (it was almost three in the morning) – nothing else.

'So... we climbed into her bed – her roomie was still awake but we didn't care – and I held her tightly until she fell asleep. She held on to me, lightly caressing my hands and arms. Her feet were ice-cold and my thoughts were still racing frantically.'

Uncertainty

1994: Of course I fell for K. She was cute, sexy, funny... and after that incident, she told me once, sober, that she loved me. What a fool I was! When she saw she'd got me, it started. One day she was all lovey-dovey, the next she completely ignored me. And what's worse: she got herself a new boyfriend and still flirted with me. When she got me all hot and bothered, she pushed me away again.

I didn't want to love her. I wanted things to be back to "normal" and not love anyone. It was just too painful and – well, I've never enjoyed pain. I don't have an on/off switch in me, though, so getting over K took a long, long time. I wanted to be her friend despite everything; that was another mistake.

1995: G and I were still good friends, probably because I wasn't pushy with her... and because I'd never told her about the huge crush I had on her. Somehow I managed to keep that thing under control; I enjoyed the friendship but I don't know what might have happened if I'd done the same mistake with her as I'd done with K.

That winter G and I had sex... and it was, in a word, great (great for me, that is – I don't know how she felt about it). For the next two years I was celibate. Confused, troubled and angry at myself.

Spring 1995:

'She's nicer and more considerate these days – maybe she's growing up at last – but she's still most of all interested in herself.

'We've spent some very pleasant evenings and weekends together – going to the cinema, eating out, drinking, talking... All of a sudden she's really nice to be around! Well, occasionally she flirts with me and that's when I get upset again. I don't like it. She knows what I want from this friendship – and she knows how I fight to suppress these unwanted feelings /#8211; and yet she still flirts!

'G has told me that she wants K really bad (as bad as I do, I bet). I've got nothing to say about it – told her I wouldn't mind at all, because I've given up. I might try and set them up together, as long as I won't need to go along.'

I came out to my parents in October 1995 – mom first. She took it quite calmly, but later confessed to having spent a couple of sleepless nights over my revelation. Dad, on the other hand, approached the whole thing in his typical way – took in the news, stayed silent for a bit, and then changed the subject.

At first, they both seemed to ignore the whole thing, but as time passed, especially mom kept talking about how nice it would be if I "met some nice boy". They also didn't like me talking about things related to my sexuality, but then again, dad doesn't like to talk about any sex-related things. Mom's reaction still puzzles me – she thinks it's quite all right to kiss her female friends on the lips when saying goodbye, yet she doesn't want to hear about any of that from me. She even resents my gay and lesbian friends – i.e. the ones she knows are gay or lesbian.

1996: K took me to a couple of gay bars, but I didn't feel at home there. It was nice to see, though, that one could just go to one of those places and hang out and nobody minded. Most people there looked like regular people, which was a relief. Of course, by then I already knew you couldn't tell if someone was gay just by the way he/she looked, but it was nice to have that affirmed.

Later on, I used to go to one of the bars alone, preferably after a movie, and have a couple of glasses of red wine and maybe a chat with someone. The first time I did that, though, the movie had been so good I was "high" from it, and when a woman approached me and asked if I'd like to join her and her friends at a table (I always sat or stood at the end of the bar), I politely declined.

I joined the local gay/les/bi organization, mainly to get more information about local queers. For a long time I merely read their magazine and newsletters, and paid my membership in time. I also joined a women-only mailing list but lurked most of the time. Some of the discussions were too high-brow for me, and the people there all seemed to know one another.

In December, one of the women from the mailing list suggested a meeting – for the list members to get to see each other for real. I jumped at the opportunity.

Continued in part 2

Back to the bi page
To the front page

To the gallery
Matsu71