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Strengths and Weaknesses
My Diary
Purgatory
Paradise
Paradise Lost
Paradise Regained
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Part I - Purgatory
1923 to 1956 and August 1956 to July 1997 |
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- Pre-Kimistory
- 1923 - My mother was born:
- 1956 - Age 0
- "It's a boy!" Well, they weren't to know..
- 1963 - Age 7
- I am starting to realize something is wrong. I am not allowed to do the
things I want to. I get told that playing with dolls is not for boys.
- I once came home early from school and went to our hut in the army camp.
When I opened the door, my dad was doing things to a black lady who wasn't my
mum. And they didn't have any clothes on. I've never seen my dad like that. He
looks funny. He pulled me aside and told me that she was going to be my new
aunt, but that it was a surprise for my mum and I shouldn't tell. He gave me
some pocket money and sent me to the NAAFI to buy sweets.
- I came home early and found nobody home. So I just wandered about and ended
up in my mum and dads bedroom. I opened the wardrobe and saw my mums clothes
hanging there. They were so nice. Better than my scratchy stuff. I walked in and
swirled the clothes around me. They smelled so much like her. I went to her
dressing table and sat and looked at all the powders and things. I started to
play with them, the way I had seen my mum do so any times. It was wonderful. I
went back to the wardrobe and managed to get a dress down. I put it on and tried
some of the shoes on. Then I saw myself in the mirror. I looked like a girl!
"I'm a girl" I thought and felt so good. I swirled around and danced in front of
the mirror.
- The door opened. My mother was really angry. She just stared at me. I felt
so weak and scared, I started to cry. She just sat on the bed and looked at me.
I shuffled over and tried to give her a hug. She pushed me away and said "Get
changed. Your father will be home soon." I cried out then that I hated being a
boy and could I please turn out to be a girl?
- She walked out. I cried a lot as I got changed and went out. She wouldn't
look at me and I just sat next to the front door. My father came home. They both
went into the bedroom. There was some shouting but they always shout at each
other, and my dad came out and shook me. I just kept saying "I'm sorry" over and
over again.
- They took me to the camp doctor. He listened and said I was just a bit
namby-pamby and needed hardening up. I asked him how I could grow up to be like
the big girls at the school. Nobody said anything and suddenly I knew I better
not say things like that or my dad would get angry again.
- At Christmas we went to the big hut for a party. There were lots of other
boys and girls and Santa. I watched the girl who lived next door get a present.
I wanted to see what it was and moved over. We both opened the paper and it was
a little stove and little pots and pans and things. I thought it was really nice
and we started to play on the bench with it. My dad grabbed me by the collar and
dragged me back to where my mum was sitting. I just kept staring at the little
stove and wished I would get something like that.
- They called my name and I went up to the front to get a present. He said "Ho
Ho A little boy. I've got just the thing for you!" and handed me a present and I
said thank-you. I ran back to my mum and dad and opened it. I wanted it to be a
little stove as well. It was a bag of little plastic soldiers. I thought there
must have been a mistake and looked at my dad puzzled. He said I should be
thankful and that I would grow up to be a soldier just like him. I really,
really didn't want that but didn't say anything.
- My sister, was born then. She was so pink and small. I wanted to hold her,
but mum and dad wouldn't let me. They put her in a little pink dressy thing and
she looked so cute. I was so jealous of her. She got to be a girl. I started to
ask why I couldn't have been a girl. My father hit me.
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