Personal Details
My Resume
Details
Experience
References
Skill Sets
Employment History
Strengths and Weaknesses
My Diary
Purgatory
Paradise
Paradise Lost
Paradise Regained
Links
|
Part I - Purgatory
1923 to 1956 and August 1956 to July 1997 |
|
<< Last
Next >> |
- 1967 - Age 11
- I am trying really hard to be a boy for my dad, but he gets so angry. I came
home once and said I was bad when I wasn't. I asked for him to give me the
strap. He did that to me a lot. He asked why, but I put the studded belt in his
hand and lay across his lap. I started crying. I said I wanted to be good, but
something was wrong because I couldn't do what he wanted and everything I did
was wrong. He picked me up and stared into my face. "What do you want?" he
asked. I felt all hot and said "To be a girl". I then started to get excited and
told him about how I hated being a boy. He grabbed me and held me close and kept
saying "Son.. Son.." I hated that, but it was so good to feel him hold me nicely
instead of hitting me.
- Things have started to happen to my body. I have started to get hair. And my
dick has started to move on its own. I hate all of that. I don't like the hair.
I snuck in to the bathroom and stole a razor blade. I sit in the bath each
evening cutting the hair off. I also try to push my dick out of the way and hate
it when it moves. Sometimes when I sit in the bath with the razor and my dick
moves, I want to cut it off and be a girl. But I get scared. My dad doesn't want
me to be a girl. I don't like what's happening.
- We have to do soccer. I hate it. Even when it is snowing we have to play
this silly game. I can see the room where the girls are cooking. I wish I was in
there. I once snuck into the class and sat at the back. It was so nice and warm
and the smell of cooking food was wonderful. The other girls kept giggling and
looking at me until the teacher noticed. She let me stay for that class when I
said I wanted to cook and not play sport. The next time, the PE teacher came
along and had an argument with the cooking teacher and dragged me out.
- The PE teacher doesn't like me. He keeps trying to make me tackle and stuff,
but I keep trying to get out of the game and go inside. I'm pretty good at
outsmarting him though. The first time we finished a game we had to shower
together. I don't like that at all. The boys snap towels and kick and hit each
other and I just try to be as quick as I can.
- I have figured out that if I do a really nasty tackle on the field about ten
minutes before the end of the game, I will get a red card and be sent off. This
is great because I can go into the showers alone. I can stand under the water
letting it run down me. It feels so nice. I cross my legs and push my dick out
of the way and I can look at my girls body and dream. One day I dreamt too long
and the other boys came in. I tried to run away, but I was too wet. They pushed
me under the water, turned it to cold and shouted "Girlie! Girlie!" at me and
laughed. I huddled under the water very scared. At least they couldn't see I was
crying with all the water.
- The PE teacher came in and pushed the other boys aside. He grabbed my arm
and said to me "This won't happen again!" At first I thought he was saving me,
but then I realized that I would never be allowed to shower alone again. I felt
sick.
- He watched me very closely from then on. I tried lots of ways to avoid
showering with the others. Sometimes I even hurt myself or stay behind and ask
him lots of questions until I think the boys had finished in the showers. After
several games, he got very angry with me and dragged me into the showers. He
made me shower alone with all the boys watching. I just stood under the water
wanting to get away. He used the really gritty soap on me so hard it made my
whole skin hurt.
- My dad pees standing up. I don't do that. I don't like to touch my dick. I
always sit down so I can sit and think and sing to myself.
- I don't like photographs. I always wait until the person is just about to
press the button and turn aside. My dad gets very angry, but I don't like what I
look like, and he can't make me like it.
- I was home one day and found I just HAD to go into my mum and dads bedroom
and play dress-ups. I am almost big enough to fit my mums dresses. I pull them
in at the waist with a belt and dance in front of the mirror. I was dancing and
singing so much I didn't notice my parents had come home. My dad was so angry I
dived under the bed and curled up in the corner. He dragged me out by the ankle
and gave me the strap. It's his army one with little studs in it. It hurts.
- There is a co-op on the way home from school. I go in to buy comics
sometimes when I have pocket money. Once I was wandering around the shelves I
saw womens knickers. I felt all hot and just had to have them so I waited until
no-one was looking and stuffed a pair into my coat. As I went out I was hot and
cold with fear, but when I got down the road I knew I had made it. I went into
the bushes and tried them on. It felt so good. I had my very own pair of
knickers. I hide them in my duffel coat when I get home, and each morning I
leave home, I go to the shed at the end of the long drive and put them on.
Sitting in school feels nicer and I have found that by moving one seat each day,
I can get closer to the girls side of the classroom.
- Mum and dad found them one day and took me to see a doctor in Salisbury. The
doctor kept saying I needed to be toughened up or I will turn out to be "one of
them". I don't know what that means but my dad got very angry when the doctor
said that so it must be very bad.
- We have to do this test called the eleven plus. I thought it was easy and
finished quickly. I had to sit and wait for the others. I drew little pictures
on my pad and hummed to myself. Then a bit later my dad took me to see the
headmaster. The head said I was very special and would probably go to a new
school with special teachers because I was so bright. I thought that would be
good because the boys at this school are very rough. He said I just had to do
one more test and I would be on my way to one of the best all-boys school in the
country. All-boys? No. I don't want that. When I sat the test, I just picked
answers randomly and made patterns down the page with the little squares that I
was supposed to fill in. I dawdled until the end of the test and handed it in.
When the letter arrived at home, my dad came to me, dragged me to his room and
gave me the strap. Each time he hit me with the belt, he said "Why.. Did.. You..
Do.. It!"
- My sister sits alone sometimes as well. She goes to the tennis court and
eats blackberries and sits on the swing. She sings and rocks like me, but I
never let anyone see me doing that, because my dad gets angry at me. She eats
gravel as well. She goes to the front of the house and sits and eats the gravel
with moss on it. I keep trying to stop her, but she waits until I go away and
does it again. When she sits inside she bounces back and forth on the sofa. It
must hurt her head a lot to do that. She bangs her head for ages. I try to stop
her, but she waits until I go away and starts again. I really love my sister and
spend a lot of time with her.
- My brother just sucks his thumb. He just watches what's happening and
doesn't say much. When dad hits me, he just sits and watches. My sister crys and
runs away and Mum keeps saying "Please, just leave the boy alone".
- He bought me a bike once. It was a racer with lots of gears. It was a shiny
orange color and looked like it would go really fast. He put it in the hallway
and said I could ride it when I could ride a bike properly. I asked him how I
would learn to ride a bike and he took me outside. He had got a second bike for
me to learn on. It was a very big black girls bike. It was so big I couldn't sit
on the seat and turn the pedals at the same time. I learned how to ride on the
bike and it was fun even though I got made fun of because it was so big and was
a girls bike. I didn't say anything because it was a girls thing and it was mine
and I was allowed to keep it. I never got to ride the racer even though I walked
past it each morning and evening because when we went to Australia he left both
bikes behind.
- My dad got all excited one day and pulled me into the kitchen. He pulled a
chair out and sat me on it. He then started to ask me questions.
- Q: How do you know you exist?
- A: I can see and feel myself.
- Q: How do you know your eyes and hands are telling you the truth?
- A: I don't. I just have to believe them.
- Q: Do you believe the moon exists?
- A: Yes.
- Q: Why?
- A: Because I can see... Oh.
- Q: Ah! How do you know you are real?
- A: I can feel me inside. I can think about things.
- Q: How do you know that the feelings and thoughts you think you have are not
part of a dream I'm having?
- A: Because when you aren't here I can still feel myself and think.
- Q: How do you know I'm not dreaming that for you?
- A: Erm... Am.. Am I real?
- Q: I don't know. Are you?
- A: I don't know now. Tell me I'm real please.
- Q: But if I tell you that you are real and you aren't, what will you do?
- A: Please tell me I'm real.
- Q: I'll leave you to think about it. Wasn't this fun?
- A: Erm.. I don't know.
- My dad came home one day and said we were going to move to Australia. He
showed us pictures of a little town called Perth. I asked if Grandad, Nanna, my
aunt and uncle and my cousins were coming. "No" he said "Just us." Leaving K and
A? Why? I don't want to go. Grandad and Nanna came over and they spent a lot of
time talking to mum and dad about it. They kept saying I should be left behind
to finish my schooling. I wanted that to happen so much, because it would mean I
would get to stay with K and A but my dad said we all needed a rougher
lifestyle.
- When we left I thought I was going to die. I was so sad I just sat in the
cabin and hugged the pillow. My dad told me my job was to take care of my sister
and brother, so I sat with them in the little kids class and painted and read
books every day till we got to Australia.
|
|
Get your own Free Home Page