Assignment Four ~ Part 2   ImageQuest© copyright-Gayla L. Pledger
Much like peeling an onion, 
Assignment Four
Having put your fears on paper, the real and imagined, ask yourself why you have them. The definition of rational fear is the response to an immediate, present danger. But aren't most of our fears based in the past and projected onto the future? Are we not afraid that what has happened to us once will surely happen again? Aren't our worries and anxieties nothing more than phantoms, mere ghost stories we tell ourselves? This type of fear is the direct result of our failed perfectionisms and self-sufficiencies. When we try to live a life soley dependant upon our own strengths and intellect, we find that we always fall short. But we are now on a spiritual path, depending on our Creator to do for us what we cannot do for ourselves. To some, this seems like weakness, but the truth of the ages is that men and women of faith have always had the most courage. Do not be mis-lead ~ courage nor faith are the absense of fear, but the ability to forge ahead, despite the fear, having put all our trust in God. We ask God to remove our fears and help us focus on what He would have us to do and be. We then get up and act as if we are not afraid. These are the times I simply take a deep breath and say, "Ok, God... here we go." Despite the problems we've had with other people, most of the time, we see only the other person's faults and how they have wronged us. Some of us carry these grudges for many years. Other times, we have felt so ashamed and remorseful that we believed ourselves to be entirely to blame. Guilt is more of a problem to some than others, and these seem to take the responsibility of every occurance upon their shoulders, thinking they could have or should have done something to prevent the problem. Whether we find ourselves on top of the heap, with pride assuring us we aren't to blame, or if we are buried beneath the weight of guilt, condemning ourselves for causing such problems, we are still struggling with our egos, or "lower self". Guilt is nothing but pride in reverse, both telling us that we are all-powerful gods. There is no question about it, a life filled with resentment or deep guilt produces no real happiness. Our goal with this list is to look squarely at those instances which we feel guilty about and ask ourselves:
(This will be discussed in more detail in a later assignment.)
When unpleasant occurances and mis-fortunes come our way, it is a natural response to feel either angry at another or at ourselves. It is, however, unnatural and unhealthy to carry these feelings with us for long periods of time. For the one attitude gives us a false sense of superiority to our fellows, while the other pounds our self-esteem into inadequacy and worthlessness. Both are signs of mal-adjusted personalities and lack of problem-solving skills. The most common displays of emotional insecurity are anger, self-pity, worry, and depression. Since all of our lives are inter-twined with others, life is not a one-way street, and not a one of us has the power to control each and every occurance in life. Well-adjusted, emotionally-balanced individuals may experience anger or guilt initially, but are quickly able to gain a clear perspective, see the problem for what it is, and take the appropriate action. But most of all, they see themselves as equals to others and they do not view any problem as being entirely any one person's fault.
 The goal of this assignment is to get a realistic view of those things which have caused us the most turmoil and learn what we can do differently now. Just as in the previous list we looked to see where we were truly at fault and where we may have taken on accountablity (through feeling guilty) which was actually out of our hands, we now want to do the same with our resentments.
Looking at your list of resentments, ask yourself why you are angry. Where was your self-esteem, finances, and personal relations (both sexual and non-sexual), hurt or threatened? On this list, write out beside each name what injury occured. Be specific and honest. Along side the name and the cause, write out what area of your life was affected. Was that area actually altered in reality, or did it produce a fear that you might lose something or not gain something you need or want? If the occurance actually did result in the loss of something or prevented you from gaining something, isn't it true that you hang on to the resentment because you fear that you will never gain whatever it was that you lost or did not receive? Again, isn't self-sufficiency the problem? The truth you will realize is that either it was not in your best interest to begin with and something far better will come along; or, the loss or set-back was only temporary and the opportunity will return to you at a better time.
Go back through your life carefully, omitting nothing from the list. Regardless of how long ago it was, or how insignificant you tell yourself it is, if the thing still causes you to experience emotion today, then it needs to go on one your lists. Once you are completely satisfied that you have been honest and thorough, read over it and consider each occurance carefully. In our state of fancied self-sufficiency, we are actually controlled by our own emotions and the people around us. We are not independent and in control at all. Our feelings of guilt and fear, as well as the wrong-doings of others have power over our lives: what we think of life, ourselves, and others; how we feel and what we believe; and decide for us what we do or don't do. Resentment allows the very people we most despise to have free-reign over our lives. We have given them this power over us. To be truly free to choose our own destinies, we must first rid ourselves of these resentments. In a later assingnment, we will look at the issue of forgivness~ what it means, how we go about forgiving ourselves and others, and why forgivness is a gift we give to ourselves, not to the offender.
For now, refer to your list again. This time, you must put the wrongs of others completely out of your mind. You are already fully aware of their faults and mis-deeds. It is now time that you resolutely look for your own mistakes. Though the situation wasn't entirely your fault, you must, for now, disregard the other person(s) involved. In each instance, write down where were you:
"Is it more important to me to be right, or to prove that my faults are not as bad as the other person's -- or is it more important to me to be peaceful and content?"
As you see your faults in each instance, write them down. Avoid the temptation to make excuses and justifications. Don't write down that you did this only because of what they did. This is a list of facts, not reasons. Again, you have been clearly aware of the other guy's actions which caused your reaction. What you need to see now is strictly your own actions, without anything attatched to them. Emotions and opinions play no part in a list of facts.
If you have been completely honest with yourself up to this point, you should see the word "fear" listed out beside each of the instances. Fear of losing something or of not getting something we feel we deserve, need, or want. These fears have set our own actions in motion, controlling our decisions and causing us to react irrationally. Our own actions have then brought about further unpleasant results, often causing what had initially been a fear to become our reality. In psychology, this is a philosophy known as a "Self-fulling prophecy" ~ it is also the
so is he."
We become the things we think about and actually create the things we truly desire and deeply fear. Whatever we give our attention to directs our actions, putting us in specific situations, causing certain reactions from others, and inevitably producing the results. It is in this respect that we are said to be created in the image of God, for we were designed to immitate the Creator in our own little worlds. Just as we create in the physical world, through our creative endeavors, talents, and professions, we also possess the spiritual power to create the content of our lives through our thoughts and feelings. While we have not always been in control of each instance in our lives, for there are certainly times when we truly had no fault in tragedies and personal violations whatsoever, still, the misery we experience today is of our own making. We can choose to allow these things to ruin our lives, or we can work to free ourselves from the harsh dictatorship of injuries beyond our control.
You have made your list of names, and now it is time to take a look at exactly why and how this area has caused you problems. Since this is a particularly sensitive area and is extremely personal and subject to individual morals, there is no set right or wrong standard. It is entirely up to each of us to determine for ourselves what is right in this area. Only you can know how your conduct makes you feel about yourself in the long run. Do not confuse the instant, physical or emotional gratitification of the sex-act with the long-term affects this area has on your self-respect and self-worth, as well as any negative consequences your actions may have produced. As you grow spiritually, the ideas you are now comfortable or uncomfortable with may very well change. But the important thing is to identify what is right for you today, and then to live according to your own standards. You will find that in every area of life, what causes us the most inner turmoil is when our actions do not match our intentions or personal morals.
Despite what others may try to convince us is right and wrong, or what we even may try to convince ourselves of, our true yard stick is built in. We have an internal gauge implanted within us which we cannot dis-engage. This monitor constantly evaluates our conduct for us, rewarding us with good feelings when we have performed well and condemning us with self-loathing when we have betrayed our own principles. Psychology calls this the "sub-conscious"; some religions refer to it as the "God-conscience" ~ but in spiritual terms, it is simply called our "Higher-self". Serious soul-sickness occurs each time we move that yard stick a little further away from what we believe is right. Some of have never really established clear standards for themselves and therefore aren't conscioulsy aware of what is right and wrong for themselves. In this assignment, you will uncover the truth about your own morals.
In reveiwing your own sexual conduct over the years, write out your answers to the following questions:
These questions are merely guidelines to help you identify where you have been at fault, which of your behaviors have caused you problems, what your personal standards of conduct are, and how you might mold and re-shape your actions from here. Ask God to guide your ideals and help you live up to them. Our sexuality is a part of our spiritual-selves ~ a God-given gift which is neither to be used selfishly, nor to be despised.
 
 Self-Acceptance
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