John Smith
This woman dies, and when she gets to heaven she asks Saint Peter, "Would it be possible for me to get together with my dear departed husband? He died many years ago."
Saint Peter asks, "What's his name?"
"John Smith," replies the woman.
"Gee," says Saint Peter, "we've got a lot of John Smiths up here. But sometimes we can identify people by their last words. Do you happen to remember what his last words were?"
The woman thinks for a moment, then says, "Oh yes! I remember them! He said that if I ever slept with another man after he was gone, he would roll over in his grave."
"Oh!" says Saint Peter. "You mean Whirling John Smith!"
A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his parishioners. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times.
Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20 " and stuck it in the door.
The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was notation "Genesis 3:10" .
Revelation 3:20 reads:
---------------------
"Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he will with me."
Genesis 3:10 reads:
------------------
"And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked."
JESUS and ELVIS - Coincidence, or Cosmic Plan?
JESUS was a carpenter.
ELVIS' favorite high school class was wood shop.
JESUS said: "Love thy neighbor." (Matthew 22:39) ELVIS said: "Don't be cruel." (RCA 1956)
JESUS was part of the Trinity.
ELVIS' very first band was a trio.
JESUS walked on water. (Matthew 14:25)
ELVIS surfed on water. (Blue Hawaii, Paramount:1965)
JESUSS' entourage, the Apostles, had 12 members. ELVIS' entourage, the Memphis Mafia, had 12 members.
JESUS said, "If any man thirst, let him come unto me, and drink." (John 7:37)
ELVIS said, "Drinks on me!" (Jailhouse Rock, MGM:1957)
JESUS said: "Man shall not live by bread alone." ELVIS liked his sandwiches with peanut butter and bananas.
Mary, an important woman in JESUS' life, had an Immaculate Conception.
Priscilla, an important woman in ELVIS' life, attended Immaculate Conception High School.
JESUS H. CHRIST has 12
letters. ELVIS PRESLEY has 12 letters.
No one knows what the "H" in "JESUS H. Christ" stood for. No one was really sure if ELVIS' middle name was "Aron" or "Aaron".
JESUS had his famous Resurrection.
ELVIS had the famous 1968 "comeback" TV special.
JESUS lived in a state of grace, in a Near Eastern land. ELVIS lived in Graceland, in a nearly eastern state.
THE THREE QUESTIONS (PG)
Three nuns were driving to church in a car. Suddenly, the driver, ran off the cliff and all three nuns died. When they got up to heaven, they were surprised to see St. Peter greeting people at the gate. The nuns got at the end of the line.
Every once and a while, people from the very front of the line would walk back and leave. This made the nuns curious. Finally, about two hours later, they reached the gate. The first nun asked St. Peter why people would leave.
"Well", said St. Peter, "heaven is getting really full and to enter, you must answer a question correctly"
"Ok. What is my question then", asked the first nun.
"Who was the first man on earth?"
"Oh, that is easy," said the nun, "Adam was the first man on earth."
"Very good, you may now go on to heaven"
"OK Peter, what is my question?" said the next nun.
"Who was the first woman on earth?"
"Eve was the first woman on earth" she said.
"OK, are you ready for you question?" St. Peter asked the third nun.
"Yes I am" she replied.
"What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?"
"That is a hard one" the third nun replied.
"You may now go on to heaven" St. Peter replied.
The new nun goes to her first confession. She tells the priest that she has a terrible secret and he tells her that her secret is safe in the sanctity of the confessional.
She says, "Father, I never wear panties under my habit. "The priest chuckles and says, "That's not so serious. Say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers and do six cartwheels on your way to the altar.
A man died and went to hell. Upon arrival he met with the CDIC (Chief Devil in Charge).
Devil: We run things a bit differently nowadays, you get to pick your own
personal hell.
Man: That's not so bad, whatcha got?
Devil: Well, I'm going to open a series of doors, look inside, assess the
situation and then tell me if that's where you want to spend eternity. Man: OK. The devil opens the first door and there's a room of people standing on their heads on a hardwood floor.
Man: Ouch, that seems painful. It's not for me, what's next.
The devil opens the next door to reveal the same situation, only on concrete floors.
Man: That looks worse, got anything left?
The devil opens the third door to reveal a room full of people standing knee deep in shit drinking coffee.
Man: Well, the shit smells but I could stand the smell and drink coffee all
day. I'll take this one.
Devil: Are you sure this is the one you want?
Man: Absolutely!
The devil then escorts him in the room shuts and locks the door. As soon as the door closes, a whistle blows and a loud speaker says "Alright, coffee break is over, back on your heads.
3 Guys in Heaven
Three guys die and go to heaven. The first goes up to St. Peter who says, "I have only one question before you go into heaven: Were you faithful to your wife?"
The guy answers, "Yes, I've never even looked at another women."
St.Peter says, "See that Rolls-Royce over there? That's your car to drive while you're in heaven."
The second guy gets the same question, and answers, "Once I strayed, but I confessed to my wife and she forgave me and we worked it out."
St. Peter says, "See that new Buick over there, that's your car to use in heaven."
The third guy answers the same question, "I have to admit, I've chased every girl I saw, and was with a lot of women."
St. Peter says, "Okay, but you were basically a good guy, so that old VW Bug over there is yours to use while you're in heaven.
The three guys go off on their separate ways.
A few weeks later, guy #2 and guy #3 are driving along when they see guy #1's Rolls Royce parked outside of a bar. They stop and go into the bar andfind guy #1 with empty bottles all around him, face down with his face in is hands on the bar. They come up to him and guy #2 says, "Bud, what could possibly be so bad-you're in heaven, you drive a Rolls Royce, and everything is great!"
He says, "I saw my wife today!" The other two answer, "That's great! What's the problem?"
He answers, "She was riding a skateboard!"
There were two evil brothers. They were rich and used
their money to keep their ways from the public eye. They
even attended the same church and looked to be perfect
Christians.
Then, their pastor retired and a new one was hired. Not
only could he see right through the brothers' deception,
but he also spoke well and true, and the church started
to swell in numbers. A fund-raising campaign was started
to build a new assembly.
All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining
brother sought out the new pastor the day before the
funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to
finish paying for the new building.
"I have only one condition," he said. "At his funeral,
you must say my brother was a saint." The pastor gave
his word and deposited the check.
The next day at the funeral, the pastor did not hold
back. "He was an evil man," he said. "He cheated on his
wife and abused his family." After going on in this vein
for a small time, he concluded with:
"But compaired to his brother he was a saint"
Men
It seems that when the Lord was making the world,
he called man over and bestowed upon him twenty years
of normal sex life.Man was horrified. "Only twenty
years of normal sex life?" but the Lord was very
adamant, that was all man could have. Then the Lord
called the monkey and gave him twenty years. "But I
don't need twenty years", he protested, "ten is plenty for
me." Man spoke up eagerly, "Can I have the other ten?"
The monkey graciously agreed.
Then the Lord called the lion and gave him twenty
years, and the lion,like the monkey wanted only ten.
Again the man spoke up, "Can I have the other ten?"
The lion said of course he could.
Then came the donkey and he was given twenty
years- but like the others, ten was sufficient-and
again man pleaded, "Can I have the other ten?" The
donkey said yes he could.
This explains why man has twenty years of normal
sex life, plus ten years of monkeying around, ten years
of lion about it, and ten years of making an ass of
himself.
Two Irish nuns we're on their way to a new convent in the US and on the plane ride over, one nun told that other that she had heard that Americans eat dogs. The other nun was rather aghast, but she said, "When in Rome, do as the Romans do..."
After getting settled, the more adventurous nun said to the other that they should go try one of those dogs. So they they set off and found a local hot DOG stand
Each nun ordered one and the took their "dogs" to the park to eat under the trees
Finally one nun bcame brave and opened up the wrapping on hers.
She looked at it and her face turned bright red. After what seemed like an hour, she finally looked at the other nun and said,"
"So what part of the dog did you get?"
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