The Journey 

Inner Healing

A Story of Healing  June 2001

                 I wrote rather frequently during the battle of cancer in 1999 and 2000.  These writings were mainly focused on what I was doing to heal my body of breast cancer.   I have not written since I had a complete exam in April 2000 in which I was given a clean bill of health.  Since I have had several requests for an update, I would like to write about what I have learned and done since then.

                 For a brief explanation, I will recap what has transpired for the past two years. In June of 1999, I did have surgical removal of a large lump from my right breast and a tumor under my arm that was larger than a softball.  When the doctor removed the tumor, he also removed 15 lymph nodes - only one of which was cancerous.   I chose not to have any chemotherapy or radiation, but to rebuild my immune system with nutritional therapy.  Two weeks after the surgery, I went to Tijuana, Mexico to the Hospital Meridian cancer clinic.  The therapy I did in Tijuana was developed by Dr. Max Gerson, a German medical doctor who died in the late 1950’s.  This therapy was very intensive and proved not to be practical for me to follow for more than three months. After the three months, I began working with other nutritionists who modified my diet and supplements.   I followed a very strict diet until May 2000.  In May, I began to add other foods to the diet so that I could eat out a bit more and enjoy entertaining again.   Today, I still eat organic foods as much as possible, almost no dairy and limited amounts of meat.   I feel great and am enjoying being able to do almost everything I did before the cancer.

                 As I read and studied about cancer, I found that it is estimated that 80% or more of cancer patients have very damaged emotions.  This was no surprise to me - I KNEW I had severe emotional problems.  For three years prior to the cancer, I was living the most stressful and horrible existence in my entire life.   I had been deeply depressed several times in my life, but this depression would not leave.  This was aggravated by the fact that Bill and I were complete strangers and the girls were moving away to college.  Just after I returned from Tijuana, my sister died of cancer. This devastated me since she was the only person I have ever felt really bonded to in my life. I groped for a reason to continue to live without her.  The cancer could have been an out for me, but now that I was beyond the toxic state, this did not seem likely. It is truly amazing that I survived this loss at a time when I was the least able to handle a loss of this magnitude. 

                 Many people who know me would question how I could be at such a loss. After all, I was a believer in the living God of all creation.  That alone should be enough to pull me through and give me meaning and purpose to live.........N O T.     I am not even sure what gave me a reason to keep living - maybe I am just a fighter somewhere deep inside.   I have never experienced a more intense black hole in my life - and I have had some really bad years!  Furthermore, in February 2000, my body developed some severe rashes (which I learned six months later was from the latex gloves I used) and this was so awful that I became suicidal.  I felt that God had really turned and abandoned me in my hour of desperation.

                 I knew without a doubt that the next fight to be waged concerned getting healing for my damaged emotions.  I now had a healthy body yet no desire to go on living!   I had gone a couple of times to see Jason Schlabach with the Door of Hope Biblical Counseling, in November 1998. He was using a new tool to help heal damaged emotions. Unfortunately,  I felt really  weird going to talk to him since he was a Mennonite, I am definitely not anywhere close to being a Mennonite.  I was afraid that when he saw that I wore jewelry, had short hair and did not wear a head covering, that he would condemn me to the status of a gross sinner and hopeless. But, he did not see me that way.  Since I was now ready to work on emotional healing, I called Jason again to see if he would work with me.  He welcomed me to return.  

              It was so hard to get started again, because I was such an emotional wreck.  I would cry over the tiniest things and depression was always very near to me.  I was having a harder and harder time even being around Bill.  I was driving both our girls crazy by pulling on them emotionally.  The largest monster of all, was massive loneliness.  In the 4 years we had lived in North Carolina, I had only two friends and one was about to move away.  The other was very busy and I could only see her occasionally. 

           For most of the summer, I went for three-hour counseling sessions, twice a week. At times it seemed that things were getting worse, and not better.  At one point Bill left for a week with the girls and I took down every picture of him in the house and couldn’t even stand to touch his clothes that were in the laundry.  When he returned, I asked him to leave. He wouldn’t. As a result, there were times that I would leave and go stay in Asheville until I got too lonely. Bill went to counseling with me some of the times, but mostly I went by myself since I was so hostile toward Bill. Toward October, we were finally getting some major breakthroughs and I thought everything was going to finally settle down. We did have peace and calm for three weeks, but then “all hell broke lose”. Once again I ran away from home and felt homeless, useless, hopeless and very afraid.   I would stay in touch with Jason during what I began to call my “crash” times.   Jason  at times was as frustrated as I was, but he NEVER took out his frustration on me or shamed me!  He was always excited when I would come in although I felt like hiding from my shame of crashing again.  He said that  “crashing” usually meant God was about to go deeper in my healing, and sure enough God did just that!

            Jason and I have worked together on emotional healing for over a year now.  We have uncovered so much that neither one of us would have ever suspected last summer. We found that I am a non-amnesic dissociator, which means that I had developed multiple personalities at a low level. This is called Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) or Multiple Personality Disorder (MPD) as it used to be called.  Once we discovered these other personalities in March 2001, healing began to take great leaps forward. Bill began to come into some of the sessions in February. Since March he has been in on every session.  We found out why I was having such a terribly difficult time trying to bond to Bill (or anyone except my sister).   Since April of this year, the relationship with Bill has begun to live - after 27 years of tolerating him in my life. We have found why my relationship with God was completely distorted and why fear had free access in my life.  We have worked hard and to fight back the enemies of fear, deception, lies about who God is and the intense loneliness I have always felt.   I am being set free - and life is looking good!

           I have continued to study about all types of healing. I still believe that we are responsible for what we put into our bodies.  I cannot put “junk” food in my body and ask God to bless it for nourishment.  I know that I am to be responsible for eating good 90% to 95% of the time. I can’t do 100% as I did for a year - that is just too strict for me. I find a little freedom is not harmful - as long as it is only done occasionally (like once a month in small amounts).  When I do have a “treat” meal, I will usually fast a day or two to cleanse my system.   I still walk about three miles four to five days a week as I enjoy the fresh air here in the mountains.  I also get plenty of rest and am careful about getting around chemicals as I clean house or work in the garden.  I still use all non-toxic soaps and no makeup except mascara.   I am very conscious about keeping my schedule simple so that I keep outside stress at a minimum.

          The major part that I am now working on healing - and I think the hardest part - has been the emotional healing.   I am very protective of this healing.   Bill and I are learning how to relate to each other in a whole new way now.  He is now working on his emotional healing, which is a challenge for me to now be a giver, rather than a taker, which I have been after such intense two years of being so “sick”.     

          I still work with Jason as needs arise.  I am studying the Bible with a whole new vigor.   The spiritual distortions have been removed so that I can focus on what the Bible really says, rather than seeing God as a liar and deceiver.  I have learned to pray spiritual warfare prayers for my family and me.  Bill is also learning how to pray spiritual warfare prayers for me. Bill, Jason and I are a team now. I am learning to be “transformed by the renewing of [my] mind.” Rom 12:2. This is happening as I memorize, meditate and pray the scriptures without all the lies and distortions put there by a very active spiritual enemy during my childhood.

          Since I have come to the place of stability, I am beginning to help minister to women who need someone to talk to and to pray with them. I love being able to minister in the same way that I was ministered to for so long.  I am also planning on helping Jason and his wife, Fern, to home school their children in the fall. I so loved home schooling and when our girls graduated, it left a big hole in my life for the past three years.  Jason and Fern have five children and four of them are old enough to start teaching, so there is an opportunity for me to help.

         In conclusion, through all of this I have come to understand that to be truly healthy, we must be healthy in our bodies, emotions and spirits. Does this mean that if we have a close walk with God, are eating healthy foods, and are emotionally healthy that health is guaranteed? No. But if any one of these areas is out of balance and unhealthy, it invites problems.

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