Polynesian Jokes - Other Ethnics 2

Q: How can you tell a drummer is at your door?
A: The knocking speeds up and gets louder.

Q: What was the last thing the drummer said before he got fired from the band?
A: "Hey, guys, I've got some songs, too..."

Anonymous contribution

The Blind Pilots

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way. The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses.

At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start, and the airplane starts moving down the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.

Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we're gonna get killed!"

Contributed by The Funny Bone

The guy in the bar

A guy goes into a bar. He's sitting on the stool, enjoying his drink when he hears, "You look great!" He looks around - there's nobody near him. He hears the voice again, "No really, you look terrific."The guy looks around again. Nobody. He hears, "Is that a new shirt or something? Because you are absolutely glowing! "He then realizes that the voice is coming from a dish of nuts on the bar. "Hey," the guy calls to the bartender, "What's with the nuts?" "Oh," the bartender answers, "They're complimentary."

Contributed by The Funny Bone

The Experiment

A science teacher set up a simple experiment to show her class the danger of alcohol. She set up 2 glasses, one containing water, the other containing gin. Into each she dropped a worm. The worm in the water swam merrily around. The worm in the gin quickly died.

"What does this experiment prove?" she asked. Little Johnny from the back row piped up: "It proves that if you drink gin you won't have worms"

Anonymous contribution

Why are Black people so tall?

Why are black people so tall?

Because their knee grows [negros].

Anonymous

The porch Painter

Barbara the blonde was getting pretty desperate for money. She decided to go to the nicer, richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs as a handywoman.

The first house she came to, a man answered the door and told Barbara,"Yeah, I have a job for you. How would you like to paint the porch?"

"Sure that sounds great!" said Barbara.

"Well, uh, how much do you want?" asked the man.

"Is fifty bucks OK?" Barbara asked.

"Yeah that's great. You'll find the paint and ladders you'll need in the garage."

The man went back into his house to his wife who had been listening. "Fifty bucks! Does she know the porch goes all the way around the house?" asked the wife.

"Well she must, she was standing right on it!" her husband replied.

About 15 minutes later, Barbara knocked on the door. "I'm all finished," she told the surprised homeowner.

The man was amazed. "You painted the whole porch?"

"Yeah," Barbara replied, "I even had some paint left, so I put on two coats!"

The man reached into his wallet to pay Barbara. "oh, and by the way," said Barbara, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

Anonymous contribution

The Expectant Fathers

Four expectant fathers were in Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor.
The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, "Congratulations sir, You're the father of twins."
"What a coincidence" the man said with some obvious pride. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."
The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man, "You sir, are the father of triplets."
"Wow, That's really an incredible coincidence " he answered. "I work for the 3M Corporation." My buddies at work will never let me live this one down.
An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around, the nurse came back, this time she turn to the 3rd man - who had been quiet in the corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets. Stunned, he barely could reply. "Don't tell me! Another coincidence?" Asked the nurse. After finally regaining his composure, he said "I don't believe it, I work for the Four Seasons Hotel."
After hearing this, everybody's attention turned to the 4th guy, who had just fainted, flat out on the floor. The nurse rushed to his side and after some time, he slowly gained back his consiousness. When he was finally able to speak, you could hear him whispering repeatedly the same phrase over and over again.
"I should have never taken that job at 7-Eleven..."
"I should have never taken that job at 7-Eleven..."
"I should have never taken that job at 7-Eleven..."

Anonymous contribution

The Priest and the Rabbi

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do.

The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional. In a few minutes a woman comes in and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned. I committed adultery."

Priest says: "How many times?"

Woman: "Three times."

Priest says, "Say two Hail Marys, put $5.00 in the box, and sin no more."

A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says, "Father forgive me for I have sinned."

Priest says, "What did you do?"

Man says, "I committed adultery."

Priest asks, "How many times?"

Man replies, "Three times."

Priest says, "Say two Hail Marys, put $5.00 in the box, and sin no more."

The Rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves. A few minutes later another woman enters and says, "Father forgive me for I have sinned."

Rabbi says, "What did you do?"

Woman replies, "I committed adultery."

Rabbi asks, "How many times?"

Woman says "Once."

Rabbi says, "Go do it two more times, we have a special this week, three for $5.00."

Anonymous contribution

The New Teacher

A new teacher is trying to make use of her Psychology courses. She starts her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up. After a few seconds, little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Johnny?" "No, ma'am," he says, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself."

Anonymous contribution

Gas Pain

Sister Ann, aren't you putting on a little weight?" inquired Father Dan during his visit to the convent, suspiciously eyeing her bulging belly.

"Why, no Father," answered the nun demurely, "It's just a little gas."

A few months later Father Dan put the same question to the nun noticing her habit barely fit across her belly. "Oh, just a bit of gas," said Sister Ann, blushing a bit.

On his next visit Father Dan was walking down the corridor when he passed Sister Ann wheeling a baby carriage. Looking in, the priest observed, "Cute little Fart!"

Anonymous contribution

When Hell Freezes Over!!

A farmer from Utah dies, but, unfortunately, there are a few more debits than credits on St. Peter's ledger and the farmer goes to Hell.

Two weeks later, the Devil is making hi usual rounds and discovers that the farmer isn't that uncomfortable in his surroundings. He asks the man, "What makes you so happy to be here?"

The man replies, "This is just like when I used to plow the fields in June."

The Devil decides, "I'll fix this farmer," he goes back to the thermostat room, finds the temperature at 104 degrees and the humidity at 78%, and cranks it up to 122 degrees and 88%.

When he checks on the farmer again, he's standing there very contented. "This is just like pulling weeds in July," the farmer says.

Back goes the Devil to the thermostat, and he runs it up as high as it can go -- 140 degrees and 98% humidity.

Still, when he sees the farmer, he's just sitting there happy as a clam. "This is just like working in the silo with my friends in August."

That's when the Devil sees the light. He goes back and rams the temperature control all the way to the left, knocking the temperature to 13 degress below zero and turning everyone's sweat to frost.

The Devil throws a heavy coat on and goes to check on the farmer. He finds that the farmer is now dancing around and yelling.

"ALRIGHT!!!! The Jazz finally won the NBA Championship!"

Anonymous contribution

A guy in a pub

A guy comes out of a pub and is drunk. He sees a nun and immediately lays into her. He punches her in the face and kicks her to the ground until she is left there groaning. As he walks off he calls back:

"Not so tough now, are we Batman?"

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The Funny Bone

Dwarf lady at the doctor's office

A little dwarf lady goes into her doctor's office complaining of an irritated crotch. After an examination the doctor sighs, "I don't seem to see any problem. Does it get better or worse at any time?"

"Yeah, its really bad whenever it rains." she replies.

"Well, then," says the Doc, "Next time it rains, get in here at once, and we'll take another look at it."

Two weeks later its raining really hard, and the little lady shows up at the doctor's office. "Doctor, it's really bad today. Please you have to help me!!"

"Well, let's have a look," he says as he lifts her up onto the table.

"Oh, yes, I think I see the problem. Nurse bring me a surgical kit. Don't worry ma'am, this won't hurt a bit."

The dwarf lady closes her eyes in painful anticipation. The doctor begins snipping away and finishes a few minutes later. "There you go, ma'am, try that."

She walks back and forth around the office and exclaims, "That's great, Doc, what did you do?!"

To which the doctor replied, "I just took a couple of inches off the top of your rain boots."

The Funny Bone

Woman with sex problem

A woman went to her psychiatrist because she was having severe problems with her sex life. The psychiatrist asked her many questions, but did not seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems.

Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your husband's face while you are having sex?" "Well, yes, I did once."

"Well, how did he look?"

"Very angry."

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your husband's face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual; how did it occur that you saw his face that time?"

"He was looking through the window at us."

The Funny Bone

"On his death bed..."

An 80 year old man was lying in bed dying. The doctor said he had minutes to live. His first and only wife was by his bedside to hear his last words:

"Honey, do you remember how when we got married, I was a cheerful, handsome, wealthy man? But soon after we were married, I lost all my money on bad investments. Never-the-less, you stayed with me the whole time. Then my first business went bankrupt, and we lost everything we had. You didn't leave me. You were right by my side the whole time. And now I've had a long sickness, which has used up all our savings. I'm a wrinkled, grouchy. old, poverty-stricken, dying man. You're still by my side! So, with my dying breath, I just want to say three little words to you, (With his dying breath) YOU'RE BAD LUCK!!!"

Anonymous contribution

Walking On Water

One day there were four men in a boat -the Pope, a Methodist Minister, a Wesleyan Minister and Joseph Smith (the first Prophet for the Mormon/LDS church).
Anyway the boat was sinking so they decided to walk on water to get to the nearest piece of land.
The Pope volunteered to go first. Unfortunately he sank as soon as he stepped out onto the water.
The Methodist Minister went next. He too sank and drowned when he stepped out of the boat.
The Wesleyan Minister went and he made it successfully to the piece of land.
Joseph Smith went after the Wesleyan Minister and he too made it to the piece of land. On his arrival the Wesleyan Minister asked, "Did you use the stepping stones under the water?"
Joseph replied, "What stepping stones?"

Contributed by Fobby Fran, Sydney Australia

Married 9 times

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