Samoan Jokes 3

Sale's visit to Niu Sila

Sale arrived in NZ and was lucky to get a job at local factory. He borrowed a cousin's bike and was to cycle through the township to work. After his first day, Sale's cousin arrived home and went into the bedroom to change out of his suit. He asked Sale if he had had a good day at work. Sale was sitting sadly in the lounge. He replied, "I no like Niu Sila, effryone dey just laughing at me."

His young fiery cousin was enraged, he called out: "bloody palagis" but sale shouted back: "se, samoa laughing at me fo'i". Puzzled, sale's cousin pondered this as he walked into the lounge. he stopped short.

"No wonder! you're wearing mum's nightie!"

(Sale was wearing his sister's t-shirt style nightie over his commando pants, it was pink and had a big Garfield Cat on it with the huge words: TIME FOR BED: he had thought it was a big T-Shirt)

Contributed by SHWON

The Handicap Kid

One day a handicap kid was getting ready to go to school. When he was done dressing up, he says goodbye to his mother and walks out the door. He starts walking to the bus stop. As he gets there the bus just arrives. As he walks up the steps to go inside the bus he says,

"Ish dish the bus to go to the school?" Then the Samoan bus driver kicks him out of the bus. The next day he goes to the bus stop again. The bus arrives and he steps inside.

He says, "Ish dish the bus to go to the school." Then the Samoan bus driver kicks him out again, but this time the bus driver gets caught by the police.

The police man says, "Why are you picking on this poor little boy."

Then the bus driver replies, "Oh I dot he wash peeking on me."

Anonymous contribution

The Ambulance

One day an ambulance comes with the siren on. It passes right by the Samoan. The Samoan says, "OKA, OKA FEFE!" He starts running after the ambulance. The ambulance stops and guy in the car says, "What do you want." Then the Samoan guy says, "OK, I WANT A BANANA SPLIT, A SANDWHICH ICE CREAM,....OH WAIT.....MAKE THAT 5 SANDWHICH ICE CREAMS, OK?

Anonymous contribution

The 3 Nuns

There were 3 Samoan nuns in Upolu. They never did a crime or a sin throughout their whole life. So, the Head nun said to the 3 nuns, "You 3 could go and commit a sin for the first time in your lives.!" So they did.

When they came back the Head nun lined them up. She said to the first nun, "What sin did you commit?" She said, "I robbed a bank." The nun said, "Very bad! Drink the holy water." So, she did.

Then she went on to the second and asked her the same question and she said, "I shot a man!" The head nun said, "You must be ashamed of yourself." She said to drink the holy water. So she did.

The 3rd nun kept on laughing and so the Head nun asked, "What is so funny?"

The nun said, "Oh, nothing." Then the Head nun asked, "What did you do?"

The nun said, "I peed in the holy water."

Anonymous contribution

David Tua on Wheel-Of-Fortune

When appearing as celebrity guest on Wheel of Fortune, Samoan Boxing Champ, David Tua, wanted to buy a vowel:

"Could I have an O for O-Some (Awesome) please?"

Contributed by SHWON

The Manu Samoa Dietician

A reporter visiting Manu Samoa during training chatted with Samoa rugby icon, Peter "Fats" Fatialofa. Fats explained that the team now had a dietician.

"And what does that mean for the boys?" asked the reporter.

"No more bacon for breakfast. It means we have to eat healthy foods like cereals, poached eggs and yoghurt and other things I don't like." Fats replied.

Contributed by SHWON

Upolu steak!

There was an old man, and he had a lot of servants. One day he told one of his servants from Upolu to go in the freezer, and get the steak to cook for dinner. The servant did not know what a steak was so he asked one of the ladies, but he pronounced it "stage."

Then the lady said, "What stage." "There is no stage."

"Oh you mean steak."

Anonymous contribution

Paracute!

There were three men. Maori, Tongan and Samoan there up in a plane about to paracute down but they realise there's no paracute's so the maori man say's i'm doing this for new zealand and jump's out. the samon man say's i'm doing this for samoa and chaked the tongan man out.

Anonymous contribution

Roy

A farm boy (Simi) from the island of Savai'i finally got a chance to attend one of the top high schools in Apia. He was somewhat apprehensive because he couldn't understand english as much as he would like... A guy named Roy knew that he was new, so he offered to help Simi with the introduction.

Roy: "Simi, 'aua e ke popole fua i se mea e kasi"

Simi: "Se Roy, ou ke le iloa intotuse(introduce)lo'u igoa"

Roy: "Se o le mea ga e 'isi (easy). Just repeat what I say when you get your turn, ok?

Simi: "Ia 'ua lelei..."

Finally, it was Roy's turn to introduce himself infront of the whole class. "Talofa, I WAS Roy!

Contributed by MP

Bp

Two samoan guys had a dispute about who was the smartest between them.

1st guy: "I'm smarter cos I know what WSCB stands for"

"And what is that,?" asked the 2nd guy.

1st guy: "It stands for Western Samoa Central Bank"

"Wow, you are smart! What about BP?" asked the 2nd guy.

"Sole, fa'apea a 'oe o a'u o le vale," murmurs the first guy. That's the easiest one of them all.

2nd guy: "So what does BP stand for then?"

1st guy: "se ake ia 'oe....it is Bum Pensin (Pamu Pegisigi)

Contributed by MP

'XACTLY Symptom

A samoan man was feeling very sick the other day, so he went to the hospital to see the Doc.

"Hey Dog! I fink I'm sikk," complains the samoan man.

"Come closer sir," replies the Doc, "Let me examine your face"

Samoa man: "Whass ta madda?"

Doc: "Oh, you are suffering from the XACTLY symptom"

Samoa man: "And whass is tat?

Doc: "Sir, you're breath smells XACLY like your Ass!"

Contributed by MP

GIANT'S MEAL TIME!

What did the Giant say after he ate Tonga?

"I Want SA-MOA!!" (some more).

Anonymous contribution

FOB DIRECTIONS

So this tourist arrives at Faleolo Airport and as usual there's fobs galore around. The tourist spots a fobsta near by and asks him for directions "Excuse me sir but where can I catch a cab?" The fobsta feeling fiapoko says in a fiapoko voice "Over there" then the tourist goes on to ask " And where is Apia from here?" the fobsta confused on how to say that the city was far said back " Over theeeeeeere"!!!!!!

Anonymous contribution

FAIGA LE PALAGI!

Recently at a special church gathering all the boys decided to bring their palagi girlfriends (bad move). Anyway during the day one of the koeaina's of the church tried to make conversation with one of the palagi's to make here feel welcomed, thinking she knew the basics, he saw that she looked tired and bored so he says "Oh, fia moe oe?" and she replies back (really proud) "yeah fia mea"!!!!!!!!

Anonymous contribution

3 LOST GUYS

There were 3 guys a Samoan, Hawaiian and a Filipino. They were stuck in a strandid town in the west. People said that the town was haunted so the 3 were scared. They were lookin for shelter and seen a town house that was empty. So the samoan guy told the filipino to go and check to see if anybody was in the town house. The filipino had a gun in his hand. He walked in and the placed was all messed up. He walked toward the stairs when he heard,"I'm gonna eat you!" he heard it about 3 times. So he got scared and shot himself in the head. The samoan and the hawaiian were waiting outside thinkin what's taking him so long. So the samoan told the hawaiian to go and see what's wrong. So the hawaiian walked in.He seen the filipino guy on the stairs. So he started to walk up the stairs when he heard,"I'm gonna eat you!" he had a knife so he cut his throat cause he was so scared. The samoan guy outside was wondering what was taking them so long. So he decided that he'll go and check. He only had a flash light. He walked in and saw them dead on the floor. So he started to walk up the stairs when he hears,"I'm gonna eat you!" he starts walking to see where the voice is comin from. He hears it more and more.He seen it was comin from the closet. So he opens the closet and flashes the light on the a tongan in the closet with a buger on his finger sayin,"I'm gonna eat you!"

Contributed by SHAI...FROM FRISCO

SON REMEMBER DADDY!!!!

There was a man living together with his son in their farm,outside one of the small town.The father worked on his farm and the son worked in the town.One day the son told his father,"daddy I have a girlfriend and she really want to come here with me some other day if it that is alright with you."

The father smiled back to him and said"Oh what a very nice idea son,bring her with you tommorrow,and don't worry I will go some where so I will not disturb you and your sweety"

The next day, the father saw his son and the girl were on their way to the house, so he hurriedly climbed up on the roof of their house. On the roof there was a small hole. There, he can see what's going on inside the house.

The son and the girl settle down and talked and then they kissed each other. The father looked through the hole and he saw everything. The son and his girlfriend were in the middle of the movement, when they heard a loud voice saying:

"Sonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn.....rememberrrrrrrrrrrr...daddyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!"

Contributed by Aiga

Fai I Lou Tama A Alu Ma Ave Ona Vae

Sa alu le asiasiga a le faifeau i totonu o aiga taitasi o leisi nuu i Upolu. O le masani la a aiga, o le aulotu a alu atu le faifeau ona ave lea i ai o se seleni aua se tapaa asi faifeau.Sa asia la e le faifeau se tasi o aiga o le tama ma lona atalii ae ua leai nei se tupe o totoe, vaai atu le tama o le aiga ua afe mai le asiasiga ma'ua tatope atu nei i lona atalii.." sole,sau e nofo ii a sau le faifeau ona e fai lea i ai o loo ou alu i le maumaga e aumai se toonai mo le Aso Sa" Ua totolo nei le toeaina ma ua lafi i lalo o le moega,ae o loo aliali mai ona vae i fafo.U taunuu le faifeau ma ua fesili i le atalii poo fea lona tama ae tali atu le tamaitiiti o loo alu lona tama i le maumaga.Ua iloa atu nei e le faifeau vae o loo aliali mai i fafo o le moega.Ua faafetai le faifeau i le atalii ma ua toe fai atu nei "Ua lelei o le a faaauau lau asiasiga ae a sau lou tama fai i ai a alu ma ave ona vae i le maumaga.

Contributed by Aiga

A.I.D.S

(A Tongan RM who served in a Samoan ward, California told me this one...it's actually true)

There was a Samoan kid who's teacher asked his class if they knew what AIDS was. Since no-one knew what it meant, they had to find out what it meant for homework. Well, of course, this Samoan kid had to ask,(out of all the people he knew) his Fresh-as cousin who just came from the Islands. Could you imagine his answer? It was:"Oooh... that meaning American International DiseaseS"

Contributed by Fobby Fran, Sydney, Australia

Seat Belt

My uncle went to Hawaii for the first time to his daughter's graduation. It was his very first time on a plane, (so you can imagine how it's like for a rookie...) The captain announced to the passengers to fasten all their seat belts before take off. My uncle being the type of person who wants to be the first at everything looked around and mumbles to himself, "Wow these people are slow. I've already gotten my belt on nice and tight."

One of the flight attendants went up to my uncle and asked him, "Please, fasten your seat belt." Uncle, being very confused, tighten up his belt again. The same lady came up to him and said, "Sir, please fasten your seat belt" Once again, uncle tighten his belt. This went on until the lady went up to him for the 5th time. And my uncle got really frustrated and said to the lady, "Look here, I'm down to the very last hole of my belt, and I can barely breathe because you keep asking me to fasten my belt!"

The lady smiled and told him nicely, "Tama, sa 'ou fai atu e fa'amau le fusipa'u o le vaalele 'ae le o le fusipa'u o lou ofu vae"

Contributed by MP.

Canoe Skins

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a Samoan were captured by a fierce tribe. The chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."

The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison." The chief gives him some poison, the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and drinks it down. The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out. The Samoan says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The Samoan takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over --the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There's blood gushing out all over, it's horrible. The chief is appalled, and screams, "What are you doing???"

The Samoan looks at the chief and says, "So much for your canoe, jerk!"

Contributed by MP.

Menu Selection

When my uncle got a wedding invitation from his younger brother who lived in California, he was extremely excited to go. He asked one of his sons to help him with what to eat during the flight. (Back in the days when they had the Boeing727, the flight attendants used to pass out the menu for breakfast and dinner, and you have to select what you want to eat...) My uncle, was so thrilled for this wonderful experience of his life. When it was dinner time, uncle saw what people were eating: steak, chicken, pork, vegetables, and so forth. He thought to himself, "Oka, I konna make shua dat I pick the lonkest selection, so I kan ket a lots of foods" Finally, the flight attendant gave him the menu, then uncle started looking for the longest entry. He fortunately found the longest selection, and with a big smile on his face, he ticked the very last entry at the bottom of the menu. The flight attendant looked at him, then asked if that's what he really wanted. "Yes pleeshe!", replied uncle.
He waited patiently, and anxiously for his food...then finally the flight attendant walked up to him with a big bowl of water, and a wash cloth. "Here you go sir. Enjoy washing your hands while everyone's eating, cos that's what you selected"

Contributed by MP.

Fai'ai Fe'e

In my village back in samoa, people love to share with others. This is one of the many wonderful traits of the islanders. My uncle, who was a great fisherman, had a habit of sharing some of what he'd catch with his neighbors. One Saturday morning uncle was too sick to go fishing. He couldn't do anything to provide for his 2 kids and his wife. His wife began to fret. "'Aua e te popole si o'u toolua. O lena sa 'ou vaa'i atu o fai mai le fai'ai fe'e a le totou tua'oi. E vela loa ona 'aumai ai loa lea o se tatou mea'ai," said uncle, as he tried to comfort his worried wife. Uncle waited and waited for his neighbor to share his fai'ai fe'e with him. It was getting really late, and still no sign of the neighbor, so uncle grabbed a lavalava, wrapped it around his waist, walked infront of the neighbor's house and started yelling with all his might, " CHOOOOOO HOOOOOOO...magaia le po i le fusu. E ola lava le 'ai fe'e ola fo'i le le 'ai fe'e. Kao uma oukou i se umu kou alelo"

Contributed by MP.

Nun for Me!

A palagi nun and a samoan priest were traveling across the desert and realized halfway across that the camel they were using for transportation was about to die. They set up a make-shift camp, hoping someone would come to their rescue, but to no avail. Soon the camel died. After several days of not being rescued, they agreed that they were not going to be rescued. They prayed a lot (of course), and they discussed their predicament in great depth. Finally the priest said to the nun, "You know, Sister, I am about to die, and there's always been one thing I've wanted here on earth -- to see a woman naked. Would you mind taking off your clothes so I can look at you?" The nun thought about his request for several seconds and then agreed to take off her clothes. As she was doing so, she remarked, "Well, Father, now that I think about it, I've never seen a man naked, either. Would you mind taking off your clothes, too?" With little hesitation, the priest also stripped. Suddenly the nun exclaimed, "Father! What is that little thing hanging between your legs?" The priest patiently answered, "That, my child, is a gift from God. If I put it in you, it creates a new life." "Well," responded the nun, "forget about me. Stick it in the camel!"

Contributed by MP.

The Typewriter

There was this samoan couple and their upu for "mea" is "typewriter" so everytime the husband wants to "mea" he asks for the "typewriter". So one day he says to his son, "Ei alu e fai lou tina oute fia manao e faoga le typewriter e fai ai se tusi" so the son goes to his mom and tells her "Fai mai Tama e fia manao ile typewriter fai ai le tusi" the mom replies "Fai lou Tama o lae pisi le typewriter" so the son goes back and relays this message to his father. Ten minutes later the father tells his son again to ask for the typewriter and agin the mom replies with the same answer. This happens three times again, same story.
Then about an hour later the mom says to her son "Fai lou tama sau loa faoga le typewriter" the son goes and tells his father and his father replies "Fai lou Tina ua uma na tusi lima le tusi."!!!!

Contributed by PHOENIX.

The Talking Scale

There were three ladies, one Japanese, one Hawaiian and one Samoan....all good friends who decided to join Jenny Craig. Of course, nowadays, they have those scales that talk back to you and tell you how much you weigh!!! After 2 months of Jenny Craig, they decide to weigh in. The Japanese lady gets on the scale and with a loud magical sound the scale says "You weigh 105 pounds". The Japanese lady looks at her friends and says 'Hey cool! I lost 20 pounds!!' The Hawaiian lady gets on the scale and with that same magical sound the scale says "You weigh 124 pounds". The Hawaiian lady looks at her friends and says "I can live with that!!! I lost 10 pounds!!" The Samoan lady gets on the scale and there's a little muffling sound, finally the scale says "One at a time please!!!"

Contributed by temano

YOUR FATHER'S A THIEF

This is an old joke but just in case there are some of you fellow coconuts out there who haven't heard it.....

An Australian, New Zealander and Samoan walk into a bar, each with the intentions of scoring a fine looking lady. They sit at the bar, order some drinks and chat, all the while scanning the place for some talent. Soon the Australian spots a gorgeous redhead and says to his mates "now, there's a sheila I could wake up to" and stands up and approaches her. "G'day, I just came over to say that your father is a thief", says the aussie (australian) bloke. The redhead looks at him suspiciously and the aussie continues, "because he stole the blue from the sky and put them in your eyes." The redhead giggles and they start up a conversation and 10 minutes later the aussie man turns to his friends and winks while he leaves with the redhead. "Wow, he sure is a smooth talker" says the kiwi (new zealander). "O yea, he ish" replies the samoan. Soon the kiwi guy spots a beautiful blonde lady sitting in a nearby table. "Hey watch this", and off he goes towards her. The samoan sits and observes his friend. "Hi, did you know that your father's a thief?" he says to the blonde. The blonde is angry and is just about to say something back when the kiwi intervenes, "because he stole the golden rays from the sun and put it in your hair". The blonde laughs and after a 5 minutes of whispering to each other they stand up to leave and the kiwi guy gives his samoan buddy the thumbs up. The samoan guy thinks "holy povi!!! me am konna use dat line to ket me a fifine too!" He hears a loud laugh (the type of samoan laugh you hear from your grandmother in Savai'i) and turns to see an afro across the room. He sculls his drink and marches over confident he will be as successful as his friends were. "Hallo, your fadda, he ish a fief!" The samoan lady stops laughing, rolls up her sleeves, and stands up so she is face to face with him. The samoan guy, thinking she is ready to leave with him, smiles eagerly and blurts out "becosh he stole da taros from my plantation and puut dem in your legs"...

Contributed by Silent
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