Tongan Jokes 2

"A Lesson in What to say at Faikava"

An old guy from Vaini had been ill for some time and finally agreed to his son's urgings that they should go to a hospital for a checkup. Doctor looked him all over and his tests came through to confirm he had cancer and had only a few weeks to live.

Both were resigned to the inevitable and on the way home, they stopped over at a faikava at the other end of Vaini. When asked how the doctor's visit went, he said that he only had a few weeks to live and that he was prepared and in fact happy to go. When asked what the cause was, he said it was Aids and everyone was shocked - more so his son who accosted him once they left the faikava and out of earshot. "Dad, you're dying but the doctor said it was cancer. Why did you tell them it was Aids? "Son, I don't want those bastards hanging around your mother when I'm gone."

Anonymous contribution

The Two Tongan Farmers

Two Tongan farmers from a small town in the countryside were walking home together after each purchased a pig. One said to the other "How are we going to tell them apart?" The other answered, " We'll cut the left ear off of yours." After a while the pigs got in a fight and after they had both bitten off each other's ears. "Now what are we going to do?" one asked to the other. "We'll cut the tail off of mine." A little while later the pigs got in another fight and at the end of it they both were missing their tails. "What will we do now?" one asked again. After giving it some thought one said "We'll cut the leg off of yours." "That is not humane!" the other cried. So after some more thought he said "Well, lets just call the white one yours and the black one mine."

Anonymous contribution

Jonah with Reporter

When asked by a reporter about how he felt being dropped for the Bledisloe Cup side, Jonah Lomu replied:

"Well it's just up to one person: that's the selectors and the coach."

Contributed by SHWON

Favorite Colors

There was 3 students, a black, a white and a Tongan. The teacher asked them to make a sentence with the colors, green, pink & yellow. The white student said, my favorite colors are green, pink & yellow, and the black student said, my favorite colors are green and pink but I don't like yellow. The Tongan student said, "One day I was sitting at home and I heard a green green and then I pink up the phone and I said "YELLOW!!!!!!"

Contributed by Pua - Yellow Rose of Texas

Da Tongan War Hero

There were three guys who were just going two war for the first time. A palagi guy, a samoan guy and a tongan guy. The leader was trying to pump up the soldiers for the war. So he went up to the palagi guy and shouted,

"DID YOU COME TO DIE?"

And the palagi guy said, " YES I COME TO DIE!!!!"

So the leader went up the samoan guy and shouted, "DID YOU COME TO DIE!!?"

And the samoan guy yelled, "YES I COME TO DIE!!!"

Then the leader went up to the tongan guy and said, " DID YOU COME TO DIE?"

And then the tongan guy said, " NO I COME YESTA DIE!!!!" (yesterday)

Anonymous contribution

Turkey Tail

NA'E 'I AI HA MOTU'A TONGA NA'E 'ALU KI HE NGAUE MO 'ENE LUNCH KO E MUI'I PIPI (TURKEY TAILS). PEA 'I HE LOLOTONGA 'ENAU LUNCH 'OKU 'EKE ANGE 'E HE PALANGI HONO TAFA'AKI PE KO E HA 'E NE ME'A 'OKU KAI. NA'E PEHE ANGE E TAMA TONGA, "SUS (JUST) FOOD". TALAANGE 'E HE PALANGI, " I KNOW IT'S FOOD BUT WHAT KIND OF FOOD?" KI'I LONGO SI'I E TAMA PEA NE PEHE ATU, "HUH, IT'S TURKEY ASS".

Anonymous contribution

Sione & Pua

Sione and Pua were sittin on da porch one day when auntee Tuci asked Sione to go get some eggs and milk at the store. Sione went to the store while Pua stayed at home. When Sione was couple of blocks down the street, Auntee said, "Pua, run and tell Sione to get some buttah too!"

So, Pua yelled but Sione couldn't hear her. So, she ran inside the house and grabbbed the binoculars. She focused on Sione through the binoculars and said, "Sione get some buttah too!"

Anonymous contribution

ADAM n EVE...they got da hingoa from tonga...

ko 'atama mo 'ivi na'a na mohe he lalo fau, na fiu pe he mohe mahalo kuona si'i halofia, kae tautautefito kia si'i 'ivi....'a hake 'a 'ivi...fafangu e motu'a bialekau...'a tama 'a tama 'a 'a....pea si'i fakasiosio hake 'a 'atama...'ivi..'ivi'ivi'i...'ivi..

Contributed by sangone angavaivai

PK

There was an American, an Australian and a Tongan. The American went into a Chinese owned corner shop and asked for some PK chewing gum and the owner said, "If you tell me what it stands for, then you can have one." So the American told the Chinese what it stood for. Then the Australian guy went in and asked for the same thing as the American. The same process happened here that happened with the American. Finally the Tongan went in and asked for some PK. The chinese owner said "If you tell me what it stands for, then you can have one." The Tongan guy, being a kai mu'mu a said "Oooh... that shimple. It standing for Pupple Kum"

Contributed by Fobby Fran, Sydney, Australia

Kapa Pulu

(this actually happened to a friend who moved to Sydney from NZ)

One day, my friend (let's call her "Finau") was asked to go down the corner shop and buy some kapa pulu. Because "Finau" didn't know the palangi translation for kapa pulu, she asked her sisters what it was in palangi. They didn't know either so off she went down to the shop anyway. When she got there she asked the shop keeper "Do you have any ka poopoo?" (meaning kapa pulu... she thought she'd give her translation a try...)

Contributed by Fobby Fran, Sydney, Australia

Fu'u Pulu Vava'u

A town in Ha'apai had only one cow and it stopped giving milk. The townspeople did a little research and discovered they could get a cow from Tongatapu for 500 pa'angas - or one from Vava'u for only 300 pa'angas. So, naturally, they got the cow from Vava'u.

It was a great cow: had a wonderful disposition, and gave lots of milk and lots of cream. Everybody loved it dearly. The people decided they would mate the cow and get more cows like it, and then they would never have to worry about their milk supply again.

So they got a bull and led the cow and the bull into the pasture. When the bull came in from the right to mount the cow, the cow moved to the left. When the bull moved in to mount the cow from the left, the cow moved to the right. This went on all day.

Finally, in desperation, the people decided to go ask the Faifekau what to do. After all he was very wise.

They told him the story. "Faifekau, we've tried all day to mate our cow. When the bull moves in from the right the cow moves left and when the bull moves in from the left the cow moves to the right. What do we do?"

The Faifekau thought a moment and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Vava'u?"

"Faifekau!" they replied as one, "You are so wise! We never said we bought the cow from Vava'u. How did you know that?" The Faifekau said, sadly, "My wife is from Vava'u."

Contributed by The Fanga Pulu Huhu'a Lahi Taha in Tonga!

"Who Speaks Better Tongan?"

There are these two Tongan girls name Sisi and Mele. They were arguing at a church about who speaks better Tongan than who. A Tongan man overheard them arguing and went up to them and asked them what their problem was. "Mele thinks she can speak better Tongan than me" said Sisi. Then the Tongan man said "OK, SISI `ALU KIHE FALE KAI `O `OMAI HA HELE MASILA." So, Sisi smiled and ran to the kitchen and came back with a HELE and MASIMA.

Contributed by xena

"Four Men on a Plane"

There were 4 men on a plane:The captian, a Palangi, a Samoan, and a Tongan. Once they were up in flight the captian says,"If you jump out of the airplane here you can make a wish and it will come true." So his 3 passengers, all of them veli excited about making a wish, lined up at the door. first the Palangi went, being Palangi he says," I wish I were a bird!" So, he turned into a bird and flew away. Then the Samoan, who was veli excited because the Palangi's wish came true, jumped out and said," I wish I was a rock!" So, he turned into a rock and fell into the ocean.
By now the Tongan was veli,veli excited seeing that the first two had their wish come true. so he backs up and makes a run for the door but when he gets there his ta'o vala gets stuck on the hinge of the door, right when he says,"TA'E!!!" he falls out of the plane!

Contributed by Miss Heilala U.S.A.

"Closest thing to God"

Kay.I was asked by my sister to come help her on a lesson she was teaching her 5 and 6 years old class at church. As I was sitting in the class my sister asked the kids what was the closest thing to God, my sister noticed this little boy named Sione. His hand went up and was itching to answer the question so bad but my sister didn't call on him for some reason but, anyway, she called on one of the little boys and he answered, "the prophet." Then my sister said, "good answer." My sister noticed that Sione's hand was still up. Finally, she gave in, "ok, Sione, what do you think is the closes thing to God?" He answered, "Our feet!"
My sister with a confused look retorted, "And why is that?" Sione continued.
"One day I walked in to my dad and mom's room and I saw my mom's legs up in the air and she was yelling, OH MY GOD!"

Contributed by xena

"How many Tongans...?"

question:
how many Tongans does it take to unscrew a light bulb?

answer:
ONE! the world revolves around him so all he does is hold it!!!!!

Contributed by II-A-1 aka Tua'one
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