THE CREATION OF CATS
On the first day of creation, God created the cat.
On the second day, God created man to serve the cat.
On the third, God created all the animals of the earth to
serve as potential food for the cat.
On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could
labor for the good of the cat.
On the fifth day, God created the sparkle ball so that the
cat might or might not play with it.
On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the
cat healthy and the man broke.
On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but he had to scoop
the litterbox.
Rules for being "Permitted" to be kept by A Cat.
Definitions: for purposes of identification I will
henceforth be referred to as Her Right Royal Majesty, Field
Marshall President for Life, otherwise known as Gremlin. Do
not presume on my good nature.
Rule 1: HM is always right.
Rule 2: When in doubt, see Rule 1.
Rule 3: I am easily bored; you are required to entertain me. Rule 4: If I fall asleep, you will tiptoe away quietly and demand absolute silence from the rest of the household.
Running the Hoover at this time is to be vigorously
discouraged.
Rule 5: My permitting you to scritch my ears or rub my tummy is not to be regarded in any other light than my being
temporarily well-disposed toward you, my loyal subjects.
Rule 6: From the time I take possession of any part of your body--top of head, lap, etc.-- that part is my sole property
to dispose of as I see fit. You will neither dump me on the
floor nor attempt to move from whatever position you may be
in when I assume command until such a time as I deign to
release you from your duty.
Rule 7: You will strip all beds daily as many times as I require; that is, until I tire of holding the sheets down
when you try to arrange them, or playing pounce-and-bounce
underneath while you futilely attempt to tuck them in. Do
not trifle with me at this time or try to take shortcuts.
This is one of my major forms of entertainment and must not
be curtailed.
Rule 8: The word "bath" must not be mentioned in my
presence, nor should the act itself be attempted upon my
royal personage. We will not be amused.
Rule 9: You will please refrain from waving your hands
ostentatiously and pretending I have emitted a foul odor. My
farts don't stink, if I were to let one, which I don't, such
vulgar displays of bodily functions being beneath the
dignity of royalty. That is for dogs.
Rule 10: Be afraid: be very afraid. I have ways of
demonstrating my displeasure in ways that are spoken of with
fear and trembling wherever knowledgeable humans gather. You
are not immune just because I tolerate your presence and
allow you to feed me. Which brings us to
Rule 11: You will not, under any circumstances, attempt to feed me anything but the most expensive cat food, which I reserve the right to ignore and to demand to be fed from
your own plate. You will, of course, abandon your own plate
to me and subsist on dry bread crumbs, unless I should be in
a generous mood and condescend to leave you a small portion
of your own repast.
Rule 12: It is absolutely forbidden to evince signs of
unseemly mirth at my expense. Often I do things deliberately
that appear accidental and awkward to uninitiated humans,
and when you display your ignorance by screeching with
laughter and rolling on the floor, you are merely proving
what I've suspected all along; that humans really aren't
very bright. A slight smile at my cleverness is permitted,
but only if followed by a kitty treat of some kind.
Rule 13: Everything not forbidden is compulsory. (Thanks to E.B. White for that rule)
At the first sign of boredom, you will redouble your
efforts.
|Calling in Sick| |Cat Haiku| |Pics of Me| |Cat Bathing I| |Cat One-Liners|
|Cat Bathing II| |Cat Rules| |Cruel Tricks| |Quiz|
|Webrings|
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