Used and Tested by generations of Cats
Get plenty of sleep so you can play at 4 am.
When fat, arrange self in slim pose.
Reserve hairballs for shag carpets.
Add roughage to human's food by shedding on it.
Cats mean it when they kiss you.
Cats must act as if being tortured when being flea-powdered.
Cats must act like they are dying of hunger in front of Daddy.
Cats must activate "the paw" when there is food within snagging distance.
Cats must attack another cat when their head is sticking out of the litter box.
Cats must attack incoming faxes and chew them so that the humans can't read them.
Cats must attack Mom and Daddy's feet while they're making whoopee.
Cats must attack their human's shoelaces when she is tying them.
Cats must balance their 25 pound body on their human's full bladder.
Cats must barf up hairballs on their mom's computer keyboard.
Cats must beg for food until they have eaten what already in their dish.
Cats must bite their human's feet when she is using the computer.
Cats must bite their sister's butt until she hisses.
Cats must blame Mom when cat falls in a tub full of water.
Cats must bring live snakes into the house.
Cats must catch and eat lizards.
Cats must catch mice to give to the dog to eat.
Cats must charge themselves with static electricity and zap their sleeping Dad at 2 am.
Cats must chase the humans while they are carrying a full laundry basket.
Cats must chase the other invisible cats across Dad's belly and groin.
Cats must chew holes in the bags of clean kitty litter and spread it on the floor.
Cats must chew on the antennae of the cordless phone.
Cats must chew the buttons off mom's bathrobe.
Cats must claim the cream cheese and lox bagel on the kitchen table as their own.
Cats must claw a hole in the sofa/box spring to make a nest.
Cats must climb into their Daddy's dropped briefs while he is sitting on the toilet.
Cats must climb on top of the fridge and knock the magnets off the front.
Cats must climb their human's leg to get tuna fish or pancakes.
Cats must cling to the outside of the screen door at eye level howling.
Cats must commence biting their human's toes when she exits the shower.
Cats must crawl into open suitcase to help Mom pack.
Cats must crawl into the dishwasher when it is full of clean dishes.
Cats must cuddle mom's dress shoes and drool in them.
Cats must destroy a toy the first time they play with it.
Cats must display their worm collection on the kitchen floor on a rainy night.
Cats must drag dirty socks out of the laundry basket and bury them in the litter box.
Cats must drag Mom's knitting around the house, unravelling it in the process.
Cats must drag the apple peels out of the garbage to play with them.
Cats must drag their butt on the carpet after exiting the litter box.
Cats must drink the bathwater while their human is taking a bath.
Cats must drool in their sleeping human's ear.
Cats must eat all of mom's plants and then barf them up while Mom is not home.
Cats must eat all random things they find on the floor.
Cats must eat all the baby's breath out of mom's birthday bouquet.
Cats must eat styrofoam meat trays and then barf up white bingies.
Cats must faithfully chase the cursor around the screen.
Cats must fall asleep on Mom's back or chest.
Cats must fart in front of mom's friends. Nobody ever believes it is the cat.
Cats must groom Daddy at 2 am.
Cats must groom their private parts in front of company.
Cats must growl and hiss at the German Shepherd next door causing him to pee.
Cats must gulp down their dinner at lightning speed, and then barf it up.
Cats must gut their Bill Clinton catnip doll on the living room rug.
Cats must hack up a *huge* hairball on mom's brand-new futon.
Cats must have one of the freshly-baked cookies cooling on the table.
Cats must have urine wars with the new cat in the house on the kitchen counter.
Cats must head butt the control pad/joystick when the human is 10 seconds away from winning.
Cats must help Mom with the jigsaw puzzles.
Cats must help their sister "recycle" her barfed-up food.
Cats must hiss and spit at the vet because it pleases their Mom greatly.
Cats must hold the pen in their mouth while their human is trying to write.
Cats must hook a claw into mom's nostril to wake her up on weekends.
Cats must ignore their new toy only to suddenly find it interesting at 3 am.
Cats must interfere with the broom when their human is sweeping the floor.
Cats must jump into the chair after their human gets up to do something.
Cats must jump into the refrigerator every time Mom opens it.
Cats must jump off the top of the cat tree onto the bed and/or its occupants.
Cats must jump on mom's lap immediately prior to the commercial breaks.
Cats must jump on the break key when their human is on the modem.
Cats must jump on the kitchen counter and make off with the roast chicken.
Cats must jump on the toilet seat just as their human is sitting down.
Cats must jump onto Dad's stomach when he is taking a nap.
Cats must knock Mom's Cheerios off of her spoon as she brings it to her mouth.
Cats must knock over the kitchen garbage can to get at the chicken bones.
Cats must knock over the stacks of CDs.
Cats must knock pennies off the nightstand at 3 am in order to get Mom's attention.
Cats must knock the area rugs all over the hardwood floor.
Cats must knock the brush Mom uses on me into the garbage can just because.
Cats must knock the kitchen trash can over EVERY NIGHT scavenging for scraps.
Cats must knock the phone off the hook just to hear the neat BEEP-BEEP-BEEP noise.
Cats must knock their toys under the refrigerator or sofa.
Cats must knock things off the coffee table so they can lie down more comfortably.
Cats must leap from great heights on to their seated human's genital region.
Cats must lick all the glue off of all of the envelopes.
Cats must lick mom's eyes while she is trying to sleep.
Cats must lick the cheese from the grater when the human's back is turned.
Cats must lick the faucet to encourage their human to turn on the drinking water.
Cats must lick their human's armpits while she is sleeping.
Cats must lick their mom's legs when she comes out of the shower.
Cats must lie directly behind their human when she is putting on her makeup.
Cats must lie down with their butt in the human's face.
Cats must lie next to their human's ear and purr loudly.
Cats must lie on clean laundry just after its been folded.
Cats must lie on their human's face in the middle of the night.
Cats must lie on their human's girlfriend's chest with their butt in her face.
Cats must lie under the coffee table and hiss at all of mom's guests.
Cats must meow pitifully when their humans are having sex.
Cats must meow to be let out when there is a foot-plus of snow on the ground.
Cats must need to use ALL the kitty litter to bury their poop.
Cats must not beat the dog up because he's stupid.
Cats must open all the presents before Christmas.
Cats must pee down the back of the television, causing its innards to short out.
Cats must pee in the hole in the carpet where the key to the gas fireplace goes.
Cats must pee on Mama's boyfriend's wallet when they have an argument.
Cats must play "Charge of the Light Brigade" with the other cat in the hallway at 3 am.
Cats must play "find the mouse" on the bed at midnight.
Cats must play "hockey" with a shampoo cap in the bathtub in the wee hours of the morning.
Cats must play attack cat in the middle of the night when Mom moves in her sleep.
Cats must play attack Daddy's toes when cats want to be fed in the morning.
Cats must play in the toilet and get the seat wet so Mom will yell at Daddy.
Cats must play the game "tiger attack" when Mom is weeding the garden.
Cats must play trapeze artist on the curtain rods.
Cats must play with the ribbons when Mom is wrapping Christmas gifts.
Cats must play with their new rubber ball in the bathtub at 3 am.
Cats must pounce on the sheets and crawl under them when Mom is making the bed.
Cats must press the buttons when the human is on the phone.
Cats must pull the phone cord out of the back of the modem.
Cats must push the VCR off the top of the TV.
Cats must put their head in their human's mouth while he is trying to eat.
Cats must put their paw in Mom's mouth to get food out while she's eating it.
Cats must put their paw into the boiling water to snag a cooking shrimp.
Cats must put their tail/paws in places where they can be stepped on.
Cats must raid the ashtray for used pipe cleaners.
Cats must refuse to eat their food until it has been piled into a pyramid shape.
Cats must remove mom's stuffed bear from her dresser and kill it EVERY SINGLE DAY.
Cats must reset their human's alarm clock by walking on it.
Cats must ride on the string mop while Mom is cleaning the floor.
Cats must rush out from behind the couch and bury their claws in Daddy's leg.
Cats must shred the kitchen sponge all over the carpet.
Cats must shred the newspaper while someone is reading it.
Cats must shred the packaging on all prepackaged food so that they can do a taste test.
Cats must sink their claws into Mom's shoulder to get better traction for a jump.
Cats must sit in mom's pants/underwear when she is on the throne.
Cats must sit on Mom's hand and purr while she is using the computer.
Cats must sit on the key marked "Del".
Cats must sit on the newspaper while Daddy reads it in the bathroom.
Cats must sit on top of the kitchen cabinets playing 'vulture'.
Cats must sit under the table and beg for scraps while clawing at Grandma Ethel's socks.
Cats must slam-dunk their tail into mom's first and *only* cup of coffee in the morning.
Cats must sleep in the middle of the bed. The corners are not as comfy.
Cats must sleep INSIDE the back cushion of the sofa.
Cats must sleep on Dad's face & lick his nose while he tries to sleep.
Cats must sleep on their human's freshly washed and waxed car.
Cats must sleep under the blanket on the couch so that people can sit on them.
Cats must slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium.
Cats must slurp the human's iced tea, whether she's looking or not.
Cats must stare at the humans while they are making whoopee.
Cats must steal Mom's Cheetos and leave them all licked but not eaten on her bed.
Cats must steal the olives/mushrooms/cheese off the human's pizza.
Cats must steal the roast pork out of mom's fried rice bowl.
Cats must step in mom's *open* contact lens case.
Cats must step on the 'alt', 'cntl', and 'delete' keys simultaneously.
Cats must stick their paw into mom's mouth while she's sleeping.
Cats must stick their paws under the bathroom door when it is closed and snag anything.
Cats must stick their tail in the little human's lollipop.
Cats must stomp on the stereo remote and increase the sound level to 120 decibels.
Cats must suck on the afghan/sweater Mom is trying to make.
Cats must teach the parrot to meow in a loud and raucous manner.
Cats must tear into the bag of cat food just to see if it the same as what is in their dish.
Cats must terrorize their older and less active feline roommate. His tail is a toy.
Cats must toggle mom's word processor from insert to overtype mode.
Cats must topple the spice rack going for the catnip.
Cats must toss their poop out of the litter box and play hockey with it.
Cats must try to dig to China from their litter box.
Cats must track kitty litter all over the apartment.
Cats must trample their paws on Daddy's keyboard when he is e-mailing.
Cats must trip Mom or Daddy on the way to the kitchen.
Cats must try to bat a sandwich or Fudgesicle out of mom's hand.
Cats must try to bite Mom's pen when she is writing.
Cats must try to climb on the human's lap when he/she is using the laptop computer.
Cats must try to kill the curlicues of ribbon on the finished packages.
Cats must try to nibble the comb/brush when their Mom grooms them.
Cats must try to pick fights with cats looking in the house through a door or window.
Cats must try to taste the gerbils when Mom is holding one.
Cats must turn over every glass just to watch the liquid pool.
Cats must unroll all the toilet paper off the roll.
Cats must use car windshields as slides when cats have muddy feet.
Cats must use mom's brand NEW overstuffed sectional as a giant scratching post.
Cats must use mom's new leather purse as a litter box.
Cats must use mom's perfume bottles for bowling pins.
Cats must use the keyboard as a springboard trying to catch the pretty flashing cursor.
Cats must use the ninja kitty paw strike to snag mom's dinner entree for theirself.
Cats must use their female human's chest as a springboard.
Cats must wake their human up at 3 am for breakfast.
Cats must walk in on a dinner party and commence licking their butt.
Cats must whine (with their mouth full) if they get dry food instead of canned.
Cats must wrestle Mom to the floor for chocolate.
Cats must yowl during Dad's bagpipe records.
|Calling in Sick| |Cat Haiku| |Pics of Me| |Cat Bathing I| |Cat One-Liners|
|Cat Bathing II| |Cat Rules| |Cruel Tricks| |Quiz|
|Webrings|
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