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dirty joke #1

Seduction of the Dark Side...

One morning 2 priests head to the showers and it isn't until they are already in the shower they both realize they did not bring any soap. Father Bob decides he'll run back for the soap, he checks out the hallway, no one around so rather than get dressed he decides to make a run for it. He checks the hall before heading back to the showers, all clear, so he makes a break for it, just as he turns the corner to the showers he spots three nuns walking towards him. With nowhere to go he stands perfectly still, holding the 2 bars of soap hoping the nuns will think he's a statue. The nuns approach, "oh my look at that, isn't that the most life like statue you've ever seen?" the first asks. She steps up for a closer look, reaches out and gives a couple of tugs on the priest's weenie. Startled he drops the 1st bar of soap. "oh heaven's" she exclaims "I got a bar of soap" The 2nd nun amazed at how realistic the statue looks steps closer and again, a couple of yanks of the priest's weenie and he drops the other bar of soap ''my goodness. I got a bar of soap too". The nuns can't believe it. The 3rd nun, overcome by the miracle statue, walks up to it and gives a couple of tugs to the priest's weenie, "my God this is amazing" she says, "I got liquid hand soap!"
Top This woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit. He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?" But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank check to buy one. When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost. He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her.
So... I switched the heads.
Top Bob goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I'm having trouble getting my penis erect. Can you help me?" After a complete examination, the doctor tells him, "Well, the problem with you is that the muscles around the base of your penis are damaged. There's really nothing we can do unless you are willing to try an experimental treatment." Bob asks sadly, "What is this treatment?" "Well," the doctor says, "what we would do is take the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis." Bob thinks about it silently and says, "Well, the thought of going through life without ever having sex again is too much, let's go for it." A few weeks after the operation, Bob was given the green light to use his improved equipment. He planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city. In the middle of dinner, he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being uncomfortable. To release the pressure, Bob unzipped his fly. His penis immediately sprang from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a roll and returned to his pants. His girlfriend was stunned at first and then said with a sly smile, "That was incredible! Can you do that again?" Bob replied, "Well, I guess so, but I don't think I can fit another roll in my ass."
Top There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was of the flirtatious sort, so he thought he had to try to get her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said: "Well I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don' know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except..." and he stopped... "Except what?" the man asked. "Nothing, nothing" "C'mon, tell me! I need something!" "Well, Sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the voodoo dick"! "So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked. The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box, carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed and said: "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!" The old man replied: "But you haven't seen what it can do yet." he pointed to a door and said: "Voodoo dick, the door!" The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more. "I'll take it!" said the businessman. The old man resisted, saying it was not for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The businessman took it home to his wife, told her it was a very special dildo and to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo dick, my pussy". He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone. After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to turn it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo on the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she had been drinking. Gasping twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing. The police officer looked at her for a second and then said:

"Yeah right. Voodoo dick, my ass!"

Top So there's this drug store that specializes in condoms, and in order to work there you must have a lot of knowledge about condoms. One day one of the clerks, which happens to know quite a bit about condoms, is asked by a very large muscular gentleman where the condoms are located. She replies, "What size?" He doesn't know so she tells him that she can tell just by going down his pants. She reaches down his pants and says, "You'll need our large condoms, which are at the end of aisle 4". A couple hours later another gentleman, who has an average size build, approaches the clerk. He asks where he could find the condoms. She explains to him that she can tell him where to go if she can check out his package first. No big deal. She reaches down grabs him and says, "You need our regular size which are in the middle of aisle 4". He is pleased and is on his way. Later on that day while the clerk is stocking the shelves with make-up etc. a fifteen year-old boy approaches her. He has his head down and looks fairly embarrassed. She asks politely if she can help him find something. He very hesitantly and quietly replies," Do you have any condoms?" She replies," Yes but I'll need to see what size you take." She reaches down his pants, pulls her hand back out and announces, "Clean up aisle 6."
Top Q. Who is the most popular man in a nude beach?
A. The one who can pick a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen of donuts Q. Who is the most popular woman in a nude beach?
A. The one who can eat all donuts without using her hands
Top A white man was travelling in a plane, when suddenly the plane stalled and crashed in the middle of the African Continent. He was found by the numia tribe, who looked at him as the son of a god. The chief of the tribe needed some proof of that and set him three challenges:
1. Enter the first hut and drink in 30 minutes, 30 bottles
full of vodka, tequila and rum.
2. Enter the second hut and make love during 30 minutes to a super nymphomaniac woman.
3. Enter the third hut during 30 minutes, pick 30 pieces of fur of the fierce tiger.
If he couldn't deal with any of this challenge, he will be eaten by the tribe. Wondering what else could be worse, he decided to pass the challenges. First he entered the first hut and began to drink bottle after bottle. "This is easy!!!", thought he, "Now let's go to the next hut". Walking dizzy, he entered the third hut. Suddenly a lot of screams, snarls, roars, shouts and grins, filled the whole place. Everyone thought, "This is a very brave man", some of them doubted if he could make it through. When the 30 minutes finished, noise became silent, but no one came out. Suddenly the man, still dizzy, with the body filled with scars and bruises, said "Well, where the hell is the tiger's hut to pull its fur out".
Top A father had two little sons, one of whom was an eternal optimist, while the other was a perpetual pessimist. One Christmas he decided to try to temper both of their proclivities: in addition to their standard gifts, he told them they'd each get something "chosen especially for you!" His plan was to give the pessimist every toy and game he could possibly desire, while the optimist would be directed to the basement filled with manure. On Christmas, after the normal presents were opened, the father sent the optimist to the cellar, while leading the pessimist to the room filled with presents. After the pessimist opened all the gifts, he turned to his father with a sad face and said: "How can I possibly use all these? The TV will wear out, the Nintendo will get smashed, and all the other toys will be broken!" After a few minutes of listening to such woe, the father remembered his optimistic son, and ran to the basement steps. There in the basement was his other son, swimming through the manure with a gleeful smile. The father asked him why he was so happy, to which the boy exclaimed "With this much manure, there must be a pony in here somewhere!"
Top There was this poor soul who couldn't hold a job. Every time he managed to land one, he would get fired for some reason or other. He was explaining his misery to a friend, and his friend told him that he thought he could get him a job that was almost impossible to get fired from. He proceeded to tell him about said job. He explained how he responded to an advertisement in a newspaper claiming he could bring home big bills by selling toothbrushes. Needless to say this poor man couldn't afford to turn down this job, so he found the clipping and mailed away for his kit.
Upon arrival, he immediately opened his package and eagerly went door to door trying to sell his toothbrushes, but nobody seemed interested enough to buy any. He went back to his friend's house and asked how many toothbrushes he usually sold. His friend told him 700 to 800/wk. Astonished, he asked what his secret was. His friend told him that a good businessman would never reveal his secrets. He did however tell him that honesty is not always the best policy. This got our friend thinking. He left with his idea, and returned a week later. Upon arrival at his friend's house he couldn't help but to brag how he managed to outsell his friend, three-fold. His friend insisted he tell him how he managed to pull off a feat like that. He said a good businessman would never reveal his secrets, but he felt he never would have gotten the job if it weren't for his friend. He told him that he went to the airport with bags and bags of potato chips and massive quantities of dip, and a big sign that read, "FREE CHIPS AND DIP." People were all to eager to help themselves and tasting it, would reply,"Hey! This dip tastes like shit!"

He would reply, "It is. Want to buy a toothbrush?"

Top

Some Places Nose Pickers Wipe Their Boogers:

In the car:
-Under the passenger seat
-Above the passenger sun visor
-In the glove compartment
-Behind the rear-view mirror
(all of these 'hiding' places can be blamed on a previous passenger instead of the car owning nose picker) At home:
-Down at the bottom of the shag carpett
-Inside spouses pillowcase
-Hidden in sleeping spouses hair
-Under the bed (spouses side)
-Behind the refrigerator (no one will look there)
-Down in the LazyBoy cushions
-Battery compartment of the remote conntrol
-The dogs nose Outdoors
-Heck with it, Just flick it
Top Q: What's worse than waking up with pubic hair in your teeth?
A: Waking up with a lump in your throat and a string hanging out of your mouth.
Top A man and a woman were having sex one night when the man got up to go get a beer. As he was walking his condom flew off and went out an open window. A little boy picked it up. The man told the boy he would pay him ten dollars for it. The little boy took the money and gave the condom back. When the boy went home he told his father he had met a stupid man. When his father asked about it the little boy replied "This man gave me ten dollars to give him his donut back but I had already lick the cream filling out of it."
Top What do you give an elephant with diarrhea?
Lots of room.
Top A man was approached by coworker at lunch who invited him out for a few beers after work. The man said that his wife would never go for it, that she does not allow him to go drinking with the guys after work. The coworker suggested a way to overcome that problem: "When you get home tonight, sneak into the house, slide down under the sheets, gently pull down your wife's panties, and give her oral sex. Women love it, and believe me, she'll never mention that you were out late with the boys." So the man agreed to try it, and went out and enjoyed himself. Late that night, he sneaked into the house, slid down under the sheets, gently slid down his wife's panties, and gave her oral sex. She moaned and groaned with pleasure, but after a little while, he realized he had to take a leak, so he told her he'd be right back, got out of bed and walked down the hall to the bathroom. When he opened the door and went in, he was very surprised to see his wife sitting on the john. "How did you get in here?" he asked. "Shhhhh!!!" she replied, "you'll wake-up my mother!"
Top Burford goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, you've gotta help me. I eat apples, apples come out. I eat bananas, bananas come out." The doctor says, "It's easy. Eat shit."
Top What did the seven dwarfs say when the handsome prince awakened Snow White? "I guess it's back to jerking off."
Top There was this couple marooned on a small island in the middle of the ocean, the only tow survivors of a shipwreck. She was a virgin, but after a couple of months he convinced her that they were never going to be rescued, so she gave up her cherry. Two years later, though, she became so ashamed of what she was doing that she stopped eating and died. A couple of years later, he became ashamed of what he was doing and buried her.
Top What's brown and fuzzy and lays in the forest? Smokey the hooker.
Top As a hooker was dressing, she turned to her customer and asked, "Have you just gotten out of prison?" "Yeah," the guy replied. "How did you guess? Is it because I wanted to have sex from the rear?" "Partly." She said. "But more because when we finished, you ran around in front of me, bent over, and shouted, 'YOUR TURN.'" Top


 
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