-- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
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-- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle |
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jokes 
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2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.. 3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.. 4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.. 5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.. 6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.. 7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.. 8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.. 9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say "He was stoned off his ass." 10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T! 11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said,"Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me." 12. The Virgin Mary is not reffered to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".. 13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God" 14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St.Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.. Top One fine afternoon, a farmer was plowing in his field, and he sees a bum approach. "Sir, I was wondering if you'd be so kind as to give me shelter for the night," asked the bum. "Alright," said the farmer, "just as long as you don't fuck my daughter." "Sure," said the bum, and he left to return at nightfall. Not long after, another bum approached, and asked the farmer the same question. "Sure," said the farmer, "just don't fuck my daughter." "No prob," said the bum. Then, a third bum came along and asked the same question. The farmer replied the same as he had to the first two, and continued his work. Later that evening, the farmer place razor blades up his daughter's crotch to ensure that she wouldn't have sex with the bums. The next day, the farmer approached the three bums before they left. "Okay, for letting y'all stay in my barn for the night, I've got one little favor to ask of you," the farmer explained, holding a shotgun. "You," he said to the first bum, "drop your pants, now." "No way! Fuck this shit, man. I won't do it!" he protested. "You sure as hell will," growled the farmer, "or I'll blow your ass off." "Alright, fine," said the bum. He dropped his pants, only to reveal that his dick was covered in blood. So, the farmer shot his head off. By now, the second bum was scared out of his mind, but remained standing there. "Ok, now you do the same," said the farmer. "Please, come on. Don't do this," pleaded the bum. "You'll drop your pants now, or you'll look a lot like your buddy there." "Ok...." stammered the bum. He dropped his pants, also revealing a bloody dick. So again, the farmer blew his head off. When the farmer came to the third bum, he ordered him to drop his pants. "Ok," said the bum, and his dick was fine. As he began to leave, the bum turned to say 'thank you', but his tongue fell out. Top Q: How many men does it take to change a light bulb? A: Who cares, let the bitch cook in the dark! Top This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for breakfast. As he approaches the diner he sees a big sign on the door saying "NERDS NOT ALLOWED - ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!" He goes in and sits down. The waitress comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The waitress says OK, truck drivers are not nerds,and serves him breakfast. As he is drinking his coffee, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The waitress, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks her why she did that. The waitress said not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You don't even need a license, she said. So the truck driver finishes his chow, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the diner, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, killing several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season." "Well, sure," said the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em." Top A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety of the human experience could be found there. After the service, he was approached by a woman who said, "Preacher, I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS." The preacher replied that he was sure it must be in there somewhere and that he would look for it. The following week after service, the preacher called the woman aside and showed her a passage which read, "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem." Top When APOLLO Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind" statement but followed it by several remarks, usual com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck Mr.Gorsky." Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled. Just last year, (on July 5, 1995 in Tampa Bay FL) while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question. When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed in the front of his neighbor's bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr.Gorsky. "Oral sex! You want oral sex?! You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!" Top Two Texans were standing at the bar, drinking shots, when a woman at the other end of the bar started to choke on a small piece of Bar-B-Que Chicken she had ordered. Tex said to Slim, "That gal looks like she's chokin' to death. Think we should help her?" Slim said, "Yes siree bob!" So Slim runs down to the lady and says, "Can you speak?" She shakes her head no. "Are you choking to death?" he asks. She nods her head yes. The lady is turning blue by this time. Slim spins the lady round and slams her chest into the bar top. Bending her over he rips off her skirt. Then he rips off her panties. Then Slim runs his tongue up the crack of her bare ass. With this she gasps loudly, spitting out the chicken. She begins to breathe. Slim walks back to the end of the bar and picks up his shot glass of whiskey and proceeds to take a drink. Tex says, "That's great Slim." "Ain't nothing kid," said Slim. "That old 'Hind Lick Maneuver' works every time." Top Six blondes walk into a bar and sit down together at a table. They are talking giggling and patting each other on the back. After their first round of drinks come, they slam them down and yell "52 days!". When their second round comes, again, they toast and yell "52 days!" and knock those back too. Well, the waiter who was bringing the drinks was very curious about the whole situation so he decided to ask them when he brought the next round. After the toast, the waiter interrupted and said "ladies, may I ask why you toast to 52 days"? One of the blondes grins proudly and replies "We were working on a puzzle and on the box it said '4 to 6 years'. We finished it in 52 days!" Top A woman once asked her husband, what do you love about me most, my good looks, my vidacous personallity, or my ravishing body? Her husband said, what I love about you most is your unlimited imagination. Top Why were men put on Earth? Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn Top What did one lesbian frog say to the other? "We DO taste like chicken!" Top Top |
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