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This is not even funny...
THE SETTING: A Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man.
Old Man: "Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. Piled it for months. But do they call me McGregor-the-Fence-Builder? Nooo.."
Then the old man gestured at the bar. "Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labor, for eight days. But do they call me McGregor-the-Bar-builder? Nooo..."
Then the old man points out the window. "Eh, Laddy, look out to sea. Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me McGregor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo..."
Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention. "But ya fuck one goat . . . "
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There's this guy who's in the market for a used motorcycle. Always wanted a nice big hog. So he's shopping around, answering ads in the newspaper, and not having much luck. One day he comes across a beautiful classic Harley with a for sale" sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint condition. He inquires about it with the owner: "This bike is beautiful! I'll take it. But you gotta tell me how you keep it in such good shape. "Well," says the seller, "it's pretty simple. Just make sure that if the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. In fact, since you're buying the bike I won't need my tube of Vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it." and he hands the buyer a tube of Vaseline.
So the guy buys the bike and off he goes, a happy biker. He takes the bike over to show his girlfriend. She's ecstatic (being a Harley fan).
That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his girlfriend's parents' house. It's the first time he's going to meet them and figures it will make a big impression. When the couple gets to the house, the girlfriend grabs her boyfriend's arm.
"Honey," she says, "I gotta tell you something about my parents before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes." "No problem," he says. And in they go.
The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the family room, another huge stack of dishes. Piled up the stairs, dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, the boyfriend decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses his girlfriend. No one says a word. So he decides to reach over and fondle her breasts. He looks at her parents, but still they keep quiet.
So he stands up, grabs his girlfriend, strips her naked and they make love right on the dinner table. Still, no one says a word.
"Her Mom's kinda cute", he thinks. So he grabs his girlfriend's Mom and has his way with her right there on the dinner table. Again, total silence.
Then, a few raindrops hit the window and the boyfriend realizes it's starting to rain. He figures he'd better take care of the motorcycle, so he pulls the Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father stands up and shouts: "All right, all right! I'll do the damn dishes."
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A wife arriving home after a shopping trip, was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about.
Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator. Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn't wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wear because the color didn't suit you. Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't fit into anymore.
"Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, 'Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore?' So, here we are!"
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A man and his wife had been stranded on a deserted island for many years. The morning following a bad storm, a new guy washes up on the shore. The new guy and the wife are very attracted to each other right away, but realize certain protocols will have to be observed. The husband, however, is very glad to see the second man there. "Now we will be able to have three people doing 8-hour shifts in the watchtower, rather than two people doing 12-hour shifts."
The second man is only too happy to help and in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tower and stands watch, observing the ocean horizon for any ships. Soon the husband and wife start placing stones in a circle in order to make a fire to cook supper. The second man yells down: "Hey, no screwing!"
They look at each other and yell back: "We're not screwing!"
A few minutes later they start to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again the second man yells down: "Heeey, no screwing!"
Again they yell back, "We're not screwing!"
Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof to their shack to patch leaks. Once again the second man yells down from high above: "Hey, I said no screwing!!"
They yell back "We said we're not screwing!!"
Finally the shift is over and the second man climbs down from the tower and the husband starts to climb up. He's only half-way up and the wife and the second man are screwing their brains out. Once there, the husband looks out from the tower and says: "Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they're screwing."
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This guy comes home to find his wife packing, "Were you going?" he asks. She says, "I'm going to Vegas to be a Hooker, they get $400.00 for blow jobs". 5 minutes later the husband starts packing, the wife says "were you going?" He says, "Vegas I want to see you live on $800.00 a year."
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Why do you duct tape hamsters?
So, they don't explode when you fuck them!
Top
INSIDER'S GUIDE TO THE MALE VOCABULARY
"I'm a Romantic."
( "I'm poor.")
"I want a commitment."
( "I'm sick of masturbation." )
"I'll give you a call."
( "I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again.")
"You're the only girl I've ever cared about"
( "You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me." )
"I really want to get to know you better."
( "So I can tell my friends about it." )
"Haven't I seen you before?"
( "Nice ass." )
"She's kinda cute."
( "I want to have sex with her till I am blue." )
"I don't know if I like her"
( "She won't sleep with me." )
"I miss you so much"
( "I am so horny that my male-roommate is starting to look good." )
"Was it good for you?"
( "I'm insecure about my manhood." )
"How do I compare with all your other boyfriends?"
( "Is my penis really that small?" )
"I had a wonderful time last night."
( "Who the hell are you?" )
"Do you love me?"
( "I've done something stupid and you might find out." )
"Do you 'really' love me?"
( "I've done something stupid and you're going to find out sooner or later.")
"How much do you love me?"
( "I've done something really stupid and someone's on their way to tell you by now." )
"I have something to tell you."
( "Get tested." )
"I've been thinking a lot."
( "You're not as attractive as when I was drunk." )
"I've learned a lot from you."
( "Next!!!!" )
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A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do. The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional.
In a few minutes a woman comes in and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned."
The priest asks "What did you do?".
The woman says "I committed adultery."
Priest: "How many times?"
Woman: "Three times."
Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more."
A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says "Father forgive me for I have sinned."
Priest: "What did you do?"
Man: "I committed adultery."
Priest:"How many times?"
Man: "Three times."
Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more."
The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves. A few minutes later another woman enters and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned."
Rabbi: "What did you do?"
Woman: "I committed adultery."
Rabbi: "How many times?"
Woman: "Once."
Rabbi: "Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5."
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A lady, taking a ride in a cab, suddenly realizes she has no money. "I have no cab fare" she tells the driver, "but will this do?"
As the driver glances in his rear view mirror, she spreads her legs.
"Oh God lady, don't you have anything smaller?"
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A man and his family are out driving in the country. The man stops the car and gets out. His 2 year old daughter walks around the corner of the car and sees him taking a whiz.
"How many of those do you have Daddy?"
Surprised, he answers, "Why only one, honey?"
"Oh yeah! What did you do with that big fat one you stuck in Mama last night!."
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There was once a woman who loved the Beatles. She loved them so much that she decided to have the faces of John Lennon and Paul McCartny tattooed on each of her inner highs. After the tattoos healed, she was not impressed with the likeness. She returned to the place she got the tattoos and confronted the artist. The artist felt that they were both good likeness. To prove his point he offered to get a third opinion from someone who did not work there. The woman agreed to these terms. The artist rushed out into the street and grabbed the first person he found, a wino. After talking the guy into it, he brought him in to view the tattoos. The wino studied both pictures carefully and then gave his opinion by saying, " I don't know about those two guys on the sides, but that guy in the middle with the ugly beard and bad breath has GOT to be Willie Nelson.
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A deaf couple are lying in bed and trying to decide how they can tell their spouse as to whether they want to have sex or not. In the dark, they can not read sign language. The wife says "I have an idea, if you want to have sex, squeeze by left boob once, and if you don't squeeze it twice". The husband thought that was a great idea. His wife said, how will I tell you if I want to have sex. The husband thought about it and said, "I know, if you want to have sex, squeeze my willy once, and if you don't squeeze it 75 times"
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