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Hey, you with the hair...
A pretty young blonde, tired of all the insults about her intelligence due to the color of her hair, decided to take matters into her own hands and change her life by changing her hair color to brown. She thus became a stunning brunette. Early one Saturday morning, while taking a drive in the country, she came upon a meadow filled with a herd of sheep. She was immediately taken with the sheep, thinking they were the most adorable animals she had ever seen. She stopped her car, moved close to the fence, and yelled to the farmer, who owned the herd, "If I can guess exactly the number of sheep that you have here in this herd, may I have one?" Reluctantly, he said, "OK!"
After pausing for a moment, she said, "There are exactly 352 sheep in this meadow." The farmer was amazed that she had guessed correctly, but because of his agreement, he allowed the young lady to take her pick. Slowly she walked through the herd until she spotted the one that she thought was the most adorable and the most frolicsome. She picked it up and started for her car.
The farmer said, "Excuse me, Miss, but if I can correctly guess the color of your hair, may I have my dog back?"
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Q. What does a cannibal woman do after she dumps her husband?
A. Wipes.
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Q: What did the blond say when she looked into the box of cheerios?
A: oh, look, donut seeds!
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Q. Why do doctors smack babies on the butt when they're born?
A. To knock the dicks off all the stupid ones!
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Q. What's the ultimate example of trust?
A. Two cannibals having oral sex.
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Q: Why wasn't Jesus born in Mexico?
A: Because they couldn't find Three Wise Men or a Virgin!!
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An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it."
"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a really nice, tight-looking ass!!!!!!!"
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Q: How did the redneck's wife know that her daughter was on the rag?
A: She tasted it on her son's dick.
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Mr. Perkins, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class, "Miss Smythe, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions." Miss Smythe gasped, then said freezingly, "Mr. Perkins, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this." With that she sat down red-faced.
Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson and asked the same question.
Miss Johnson, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light."
"Correct," said Mr. Perkins. "And now, Miss Smythe, I have three things to say to you.
"One, you have not studied your lesson."
"Two, you have a dirty mind."
"And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment."
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A mangy-looking guy who goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "No way. I don't think you can pay for it." The guy says, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?"
The bartender says, "Only if what you show me ain't risque."
"Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the keyboard and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good.
The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another. "Money or another miracle else no drink," says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog. The guy says, "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar. The bartender says to the guy, "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy." "Not so", says the guy, "the hamster is also a ventriloquist."
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This guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar but says "What the heck, I really want a drink". When the gay waiter approaches he says to the customer "What's the name of your penis?".
The customer says "Look, I'm just not into that. All I want is a drink". The gay waiter says "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis." So the customer asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer and asks "hey bud, what's the name of your penis?". The gentleman with a smile looks back and says "TIMEX".
The thirsty customer asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, "'Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'!" A little shaken, the customer turns to the fella on his right sipping on a fruity margarita. "So, what do you call your penis?"
The other gentleman turns to him and proudly exclaims "FORD". The customer thinks how this naming thing works and says, "Because quality is Job 1?" The gentleman replies, "No. Let me ask you, Have you driven a Ford, lately?"
Even more shaken, the customer has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis. He turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is Secret. Now give me my beer."
The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why secret?" The customer says "Strong enough for a man but made for a woman."
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A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain. "Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor. "You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman. "What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific." The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried.
The doctor looked at her thoughtfully for a moment and asked, "Are you a natural blonde?" "Why, yes," she said.
"I thought so," said the doctor, "You have a broken finger.
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On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her-how could she possibly continue to feed her family now? In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head. Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you." The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river. Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river. The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row." The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?" The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?" Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health." Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"
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A man receives a free ticket to the Superbowl from his company. Unfortunately, when he arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium-he is closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field. About halfway through the first quarter he notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat. As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man replies no. Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, he again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the SuperBowl and not use it?" The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first SuperBowl we haven't been together at since we got married in 1967." "Well, that's terribly sad. But still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or close friend?" "No," the man replied, "they're all at the funeral."
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THE SETTING: A Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man.
Old Man: "Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. Piled it for months. But do they call me McGregor-the-Fence-Builder? Nooo.."
Then the old man gestured at the bar. "Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labour, for eight days. But do they call me McGregor-the-Bar-builder? Nooo..."
Then the old man points out the window. "Eh, Laddy, look out to sea. Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me McGregor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo...
"Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention. "But ya fuck one goat . . . "
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